Why is crossdressing so frightening?

[sarahcsc]

I don't understand...

I was frightened because other people were frightened yet I never knew why people are so afraid of it. And it wasn't strangers who are affected but the closest people. It almost seems as though coming out will "destroy" this image of ourselves in their eyes.

But why is it frightening?

It isn't a terminal or debilitating disease...
We do not ask that our SO take on the role of a caregiver...
We don't need to go for rehab like Charlie Sheen...
It isn't illegal...
I don't think the bible forbids it (not sure about other religions, correct me if I'm wrong)
We are still heterosexual males...
We can still unclog the toilet, hammer a nail, and bring the kids to school...
We can still dress in male attire when going out to see other friends and family...

AND ABOVE ALL, WE ALL LOOK GORGEOUS!!

So honestly, what is the problem?

[Jacqueline Winona]

Sarah, your points are all absolutely correct, it's just that peo[ple have other ideas about what we should be, or should do, and our dressing affects their expectations about us. I can't answer for everyone, but that has been the prevailing issue with people I know.

[Lynn Marie]

[SIZE="4"]I don't know of any women who's dream date also cavorts around in a dress. Sorry, but that just seems to be the way it is. The same goes for family and friends. It's just extremely hard for non CDs to understand why we do such silly things. It really sort of scares them.

Sure, every once in a while one of us finds a girl friend who actually seems to enjoy the girl in us, but it is extremely rare. I'm sure that most of the people who know about us just feel and hope we'll grow out of it. Maybe they're right.[/SIZE]

[Princess Chantal]

The only fear that I have is losing control of the healthy and satisfying balance that I have maintained through the last few years.
I do acknowledge and respect the fears that many others could have when it comes to their or their SO's crossdressing.

BTW
With being engaged with and gaining knowledge of the LGBT* community via my crossdressing, I had open my mind on sexuality and changed from a strictly heterosexual preference to being a pansexual. So in otherwords I'm not still a heterosexual.

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Sarah that's a very simple question but unfortunately the answer is incredibly complex and multi- faceted

to give you just a few of the reasons from my point of view

fear that its not going to stop at just dressing -
fear that maybe your husband actually loves his femme side more than you
fear of the neighbours, friends, loved-ones finding out and the potential for ridicule, rejection, ostrasisation - eve n if the wife accepts it herself, others may not to and can make their life a misery
fear that if the kids find out they will disown you
fear that the spending attached to the pink fog will rin your finances

I know that these things have happened to couples/wives/CD'ers so its no real surprise that the wife fears some or all of them and many more feelins besides.
I know a few weeks after I found out I kept feeling like there were 3 people in my marriage, 1 of which I didnt know, and that my husbsnd was having an affair with himself!
I know that in the cold light of day, I dont really think I have anything to worry about but when I lie awake ay night not able to sleep, these fears creep up on me uninvited and they are not esasy to dispell.

Can I liken it to a fear of spiders? (here in the UK we have no venomous ones) I know they cant hurt me, I know they are probably more afraid of me than I of them, and they mean me absolutely no harm but...... it doesnt stop me getting a terrible panic attack when I see a biggy and running from the room in fear and panic. Irrational fear but nonetheless very common and valid.
xxS xx

[freeindress]

When going out as a shy beginner CD and far from passing, fear of being hit on by possibly drunk guy without being prepared to react wisely like a sober girl ? One fondled my small tits showing under my dress. Another forced me to dance with him. Unpleasant experiences. Also drawing police attention, even if it was just a curious female officer spotting your dress, asking where you're going, then her male colleagues laughing openly.

[Foxglove]

Hello, Sarah! As Silentpartner has just shown, some people have very specific reasons for fearing CDing, reasons that certainly need to be taken into account. But I have the impression that you were asking a general question: why do people in general fear it?

I look at it this way: we all have expectations as to the way the world should be. You get used to seeing things happen in a certain way, and when you see something out of the ordinary, it can be unsettling.

Gender perceptions are a very important aspect of our psycholgies. I read somewhere that babies at a very early age cop on to the difference between Mommy and Daddy. That is, they perceive the differences between the genders. (Sorry, I can't give you any reference here. I'm very bad about noting the sources of my information.) I think that gender expectations are a very important factor in our perception of the world.

LGBT people are a direct challenge to people's perceptions, and I think that how someone reacts to us is to a great extent determined by how secure they feel in themselves. I think some people are very tied to their expectations, because it helps them define themselves, it helps them know where they stand. If someone reacts harshly to us, they're saying, "That's not the way the world should be!" Because of their own insecurities, they're unable to be flexible. The world isn't always the way we'd like it to be. Sometimes you have to adjust. But people who are insecure have a very small comfort zone, and when they're pushed out of it, they react very strongly.

You've given a list above of reasons why CDers aren't a threat to anybody, and as far as I'm concerned you're absolutely right. And yet I've seen people on the net expressing absolute contempt for us. I think they're people very strongly wedded to their expectations of the way the world is. I think they're just so deeply insecure that they can't stand a challenge to their expectations because it constitutes too great a personal challenge to themselves.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Jenniferathome]

More people are afraid of public speaking than they are of death. Crossdressing is public speaking on steroids, so to say. It is simple embarrassment that no one wants, CD or non-CD alike. Overcoming this fear should be liberating but getting there is all the challenge.

[Karren H]

More people are afraid of public speaking than they are of death. Crossdressing is public speaking on steroids, so to say..

Never thought of that. My wife and kids both hate public speaking and I love it! People are also afraid of change and hate when things do change. Been that way forever and boom... You changed everything they thought they knew about you!

[Beth Mays]

For me the fear is not so much the crossdressing as it is the way I see myself when dressed. I "WANT" to look good, classy, in tasteful clothes.. makeup looking like it should. My fear is looking like a dude that forgot to wake up before he got dressed, and the makeup was applied with a broken hack-saw blade, not a brush. I do see however, I have progressed and hopefully that progression will be good, knowledge and understanding of style and colors takes away some fear, same as the fact that more people know me as a CD removes fears that I will be discovered.

To open up to others on YOUR TERMS really helps!

Beth

[sarahcsc]

fear that its not going to stop at just dressing -
fear that maybe your husband actually loves his femme side more than you
fear of the neighbours, friends, loved-ones finding out and the potential for ridicule, rejection, ostrasisation - eve n if the wife accepts it herself, others may not to and can make their life a misery
fear that if the kids find out they will disown you
fear that the spending attached to the pink fog will rin your finances

Thank you for enlightening me. I don't mean to be rude but I still have other questions to ask... Those are all very valid concerns you've brought up and I want to be as sensitive as I can silentpartner, but would those be any worse from your SO cheating on you? or having a drinking/gambling problem? The risk is always there and yet we never stop to think about it.

When you say there is a fear that it won't stop at dressing... I can certainly understand that. But if you took a step back, you'd realize that any behaviour can potentially lead to something. Crossdressing may lead to a sex change just like unhealthy eating habits can lead to coronary heart disease. Would you worry about your SO eating a grilled cheese sandwich the same way you would worry about him putting on a pair of silk panties? At least the silk panties won't kill him.

And when you say you are worried about him loving his feminine side more than he loves you... This is a hard one. I wonder if women feel that they have failed as a wife/partner in this instance. There is always a worry that your SO might be in love with another woman and that can be devastating. But why would you worry about him loving the woman inside him when there are so many women out there he could set his eyes on? And not to mention the constant struggle I find between married couples and the in-laws. It is well known to most men that there exist an invisible tension between his wife and his mother where they both demands his attention but he could only be at one place at one time. Would you worry about his attachment to his mother the way he is attached to the women inside of him?

I could go on and on about these examples... But these are not to spite you, but it just shows how much thought I've put into it and I am desperate for answers...

LGBT people are a direct challenge to people's perceptions, and I think that how someone reacts to us is to a great extent determined by how secure they feel in themselves. I think some people are very tied to their expectations, because it helps them define themselves, it helps them know where they stand. If someone reacts harshly to us, they're saying, "That's not the way the world should be!" Because of their own insecurities, they're unable to be flexible. The world isn't always the way we'd like it to be. Sometimes you have to adjust. But people who are insecure have a very small comfort zone, and when they're pushed out of it, they react very strongly.

I would agree with you on the insecure part and that they won't just react to crossdressing, but an insecure person would react to anything that would drag them out of their comfort zone. lol.

[Contessa]

This is the part of learning we need as people, we only have us and we are all a bit different. Yet we might just be the same when it comes to thinking. Though if we talked to each other like we are doing here then it would help us resolve all those fears. And instead of talking we just make up our minds and believe what we want without asking one question. All of your answers are correct. We just need to stop and smell the roses, or just ask that question. I am expressing my feminine side. I like this or I love this.

Why are you wearing a dress? I think it fits me. I think I look good in it. If we talked to each other more then we could feel better or easier about things. After all we all have mouths they are not only to eat with. We can surely overcome our fears, I know I have. I use to have a fear of my death but I know it will happen and it won't change how I lived my life. I love people and I love to express my view and hear the views of others. Some people won't open up and are not free speaking or thinking, and don't want to change their view because of what they have more knowledge of.

Contessa Marie

[kimdl93]

well, honestly, I dont think that cross dressing is particularly frightening. I've been out en femme on a nearly daily basis, since last july. I haven't had any unpleasant encounters...no one has grabbed their children and run away, called security or even said anything I could construe as offensive.

Actually, the analogy with public speaking is perfect. I hate public speaking, but am obliged to do it occassionally. Guess what - I survive every time.

The fear is in ourselves.

[moondog]

When I was still closeted I feared my wife discovering what I was doing with her clothes. The thought of her reaction was terrifying because at that time I honestly thought I was some kind of freak. The idea of going outside dressed was there, but it never manifested into a strong enough desire to actually consider making it reality. Then something clicked within me and the desire to see the world dressed as a woman became overwhelming. The desire began overpowering the fear and I wound up here and in therapy.

My wife knows because I told her everything and now I have no fear regarding that and, thankfully, she is accepting and supportive, even helpful, toward my dressing and wanting to go out in public. Like I said, the fear regarding my wife is gone. Her fear, however, is another story.

During our talks she has expressed her fear of the possibility that I might want to live full time as a woman and possibly transition. I have explained that right now I don’t know what I want and that I’ll tell her everything as we proceed together. I know that does not mitigate her fear of losing the man she married, but it’s the best I can do right now.

To sum up my experiences the fear of crossdressing was being caught, ridiculed, and losing my wife over my dressing. For the loved ones in my life I can only speculate, and so far only my wife knows.

For them I would think it’s the idea that they’re losing the man they knew.

[GeminaRenee]

As much as I hate to say it, I fear being treated differently because of it.

More than anything, I fear my parents finding out about it. I have a good relationship with them. It's something that they could never understand or accept. From the moment they found out, it would be nothing but a drive on their part to change me. That, of course, would be absolutely futile, and drive a wedge in their waning years. Most others that I fear knowing are people in the neighborhood, people that I might see at the grocery, at the mall... essentially people that might see and tell my parents. Most of my friends are decent enough that if they knew, it wouldn't be a big deal. Some already know! But it's a secret I am still very careful with for that reason.

My other fear is that co-workers might find out. I just feel as though I might be treated differently at work if people knew - silly, of course, because the things that make Kali a part of me also make me the person that I am. But most of them are too simple minded to comprehend that. Most of my co-workers fit the dumb guy or judgmental christian woman stereotype, so that's fairly a given. Actually, the last time the fog rolled in, I was dating a girl I worked with (my boss, actually ), and I had to break up with her. I did this because I knew I had to be Kali, and whether or not she was able to accept, I felt like I couldn't afford to let people know.

It's hard for me to admit all of this, that I am still so worried about what others think of me. But, it's the truth. Fear is astonishingly powerful for something that we ourselves construct, and it certainly is efficient in terms of self propagation!

[Laura912]

"All we have to fear is fear itself..." or something along those lines. The source of the fear need not be rational (spiders for some, not for me). In a stable marriage, either spouse most likely fears/dreads the loss of the other. Bringing in crossdressing adds a third party..."the other woman" to whom the wife will possible loose her spouse. I once asked my wife and several GG friends which of the following would be the worst thing to find out about their spouse: 1. They were gay. 2. They were having an affair. 3. They were a cross dresser. In all cases (N=10), cross dresser was the worst and affair was the least. All commented that with an affair at least the husband was "normal" and that they could accept being gay as something over which one had no control. This answer probably reflects minimum knowledge about cross dressing as well. Fear is also derivative...one thing leads to the other.
Laura

[Alice Torn]

In 2005, I was out for the third time, walking down sidewalks, sitting on benches. A man parked right next to my car, at this little park. After about 45 minutes, i finally went back to my car, and the man asked me if I could give his car a battery jump start. I said yees, and got in the trunk, got the jumper cables, and then, he told his kids, who were in his car, to not look! I got his car strted, he thanked me, and left. I am sure he was torn, on whether to ask a man in a dress to help, but, my car was right next to his. I am sure i was the last person he would have wanted to have to ask for help, as he told his children not to look.

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Sarah, no problem - I dont think you are being rude at all - questions are always good if they are put in the right way.

In principal no - crossdressing isnt worse than finding out about an affair - and I would know as my Oh had an affair which was particularly painful for me - but thats another story, tbh an affair is much worse from the wife's point of view. However, to the outside world, if a man has an affair others will sympathise and shake their heads and say "oh well, he's a man, they cant keep it in their trousers" or stuff like that - but, he is considered normal - its what men do. Whereas if neighbours etc. see your husband going out in a dress -not all but a lot will think "weirdo - fancy staying married to that"
I'm not saying thats my attitude, far from it, but its the idea that, as a wife, people are going to think that and because you stay with your husband you, by association are labelled as "wierdo" too.

Sadly having an affair, being an alcoholic, obesity etc. are looked on as fairly "normal" whereas CD'ing is looked on as being strange, weird,disgusting even - by certain elements of society. But I hasten to add, these are not my opinions - I am ok with my husband's CD'ing. We have some issues but not really regarding the CD'ing.
The fears I expressed in my previous post are not all my own fears, just those that I know many women feel.

[Barbara Ella]

Such wonderful comments to this thread. i agree that there really is nothing to fear in the act itself but society is programmed for certain expectations, and to fear things which do not reinforce those expectations. This topic can be approached from two viewpoints, is it frightening to us, or is it frightening to others. Our cross dressing can have unexpected consequences for which we are frightened of facing. Our cross dressing steps outside the boundaries accepted by others, and this instills an unknown factor, which can frighten them, but not everyone for certain. All of these have been talked about most eloquently here by others who have experienced these happenings over a much longer time than me, so i am speaking from a youthful naivete - which is frightening in itself.

Babes

[Cheryl T]

It's frightening to others because "It's Different".
Human beings fear that which is "different" from the "norm" as it threatens the foundation of their beliefs.
Men see it as a threat to their masculinity, a form of homophobia.
Women see it as a threat to their femininity and as competition, as well as a concern for relationship they have with this man who dresses as she does. They fear he's gay, they fear he's transsexual, they fear they aren't fulfilling enough for him, and they fear losing him.

Flight or Fight is the human instinct.

[LeaP]

Think of what the average person knows about anything related to (cross/trans) gender:

Well-known examples of transsexuality like Christine Jorgensen or Renee Richards.

Drag Queens, associated with gay parades and shows

RuPaul and Dennis Rodman

The "transsexual" psycho in Silence of the Lambs.

Transvestite portrayals in movies generally - there's quite a list, but most of the characters are comic to clownlike

Jerry Springer

News stories about pervert exhibitionists

etc.

One might as well reveal they are an alien, for all the average person knows. Once you get past that, you still have to deal with the uncanniness, as someone in another thread recently put it so well.

Lea

[franlee]

I have given your question a lot of thought, not only now but over the last 40 years. The answers that I come up with are from my experiance. But the Fear is only a issue to you in the beginning, before you accept who you are. Ater that, it is what it is, a concern. Fear is caused by having to deal with the unknown or something that has proven to be hurtful/damaging to you or the people you care for. And CDing can certainly do that, but it is only an emotional hurt for them, there is no pysical harm from CDing. Now what some criminal act causes is another story and the CDing can be used as an excuse but so can being availible for them when they go off for anyother reason. I know there is nobody that you can't find some issue with, if you want to. And they want to so they can put a distance between themselves and you. Atleast until they get a grip on it. I think furnishing them plausible deniability is not fear of the CD issue but you trying to protect them as well as yourself.
All the usual questions from the person you are dealing with is due to ignorance or anger. The anger is a defensive reaction generated from selfishness and some hurt, retaliation if you will. And if you are heterosexual to them before what differance does a style or piece of cloth change? And if you are intending to make great lifestyle changes such as going full time or SRS you couldn't keep it secret anyway.
I have used the fear to enhanse my adventures, if you took out all the risk how much fun would any game or life itself be. The fear I refer to is only real to me, I'm to a point in life where should I get caught I'ld still eat, drink and be Fran. But I don't want to for my friends and familys' sake, they are ignorante of this lifestyle and narrow minded, I know I'm one of them. LOL
So my final thoughts on this issue is if you do share this with your SO's they should embrace it, if they love you for the person they are involved with. This has made and infulanced you who as much as any other core value and part of yourself. And that is YOU!
Fran

[sissystephanie]

well, honestly, I dont think that cross dressing is particularly frightening. I've been out en femme on a nearly daily basis, since last july. I haven't had any unpleasant encounters...no one has grabbed their children and run away, called security or even said anything I could construe as offensive.

Actually, the analogy with public speaking is perfect. I hate public speaking, but am obliged to do it occassionally. Guess what - I survive every time.

The fear is in ourselves.

The last sentence of Kim's remarks is the one that really tells it all. Most of the fear is in ourselves!! The crossdressers who fear going out in public do so because of their own fears. Not anything that has been generated by others! They think people are going to ridicule them, or whatever, when this is very rarely the case. For over 6 years I have been going out almost daily dressed totally enfemme, but looking exactly like the man that I am. No makeup or wig! I have never had a single problem and have not heard any negative comments. The majority of people just don't care!!

[Dawn cd]

I think many people fear crossdressers because they're afraid it might be catching.

[sonna]

well, honestly, you scare me, you all scare me!!!!!!!! omg..............just scaired myself