Gender counselling

[Kate T]

I am curious to know how people feel gender counselling may or may not have helped them.

I will admit that counselling is not really my "thing" so to speak. A very loving family and upbringing, beautiful and caring wife and family and a healthy dose of self confidence (it's either that or arrogance, depending a little bit on who you ask and when!) have meant that I rarely seem to struggle particularly with issues of anxiety, depression or low self esteem.

Additionally our society (Australia) doesn't really do "therapy". "Shrink" is still a fairly derogatory term in Australia. The "fair go" mentality of many Australians SEEMS to result in a culture where those who seem to be in need of assistance will generally receive that assistance in spades from the general community.

All that being said I am still curious. What made you go and see a counsellor, rather than say talk to a close friend or your dog? (Very good listeners dogs. Not so great on the advice though. Unless of course you count "you need a cuddle and a snack" as advice.) How did you trust them? (This one I find particularly interesting, because I wouldn't take advice from anyone I didn't trust, not about personal stuff). And finally how did they help you? (If we could avoid the relatively obvious answer of they helped me to accept myself but maybe exactly HOW they helped you accept yourself).

Thankyou.

[AndrewJenny]

I've been seeing my therapist for about 4 years. A lot of my issues involve trauma, but there is obviously gender counseling going on as well.

Friends are great, but it's a different kind of relationship. Sometimes you need to be the caretaker with your friends and put your needs aside. Also, there are things you wouldn't say to your friends for fear of upsetting them or not having them like you. And generally, your friends aren't trained to separate how they feel about what you're saying (their own issues) from how you feel.

It takes some time to build trust with a therapist, but the benefit is you can tell them how you feel without worrying about them not liking you, and they can respond to what you need rather than try and work out their own conflicts on you. At least, the good ones can!

I hope this helps, and good luck!

[LeaP]

I haven't been in therapy long enough to answer all of your questions, but I can speak to acceptance. One of the things my therapist does frequently is simply provide reassurance: that's it's OK to talk about, the things she's hearing aren't unusual, that people my age in her office is common, acknowledging the difficulties I'm experiencing, etc. Coupled with a no BS attitude (she doesn't entertain excuses), it puts things on a strong reality basis. I don't think the dog will provide that, though the acceptance will certainly be unconditional!

Lea

[Laura912]

Having been the counsellor in many situations, I am a little biased. The trust builds from the nonjudgmental nature of the counsellor. Often the counselor asks more questions than actually giving advice. The questions serve to help the patient work through the problems at their own pace. In the relationship between the counsellor, it is better if the patient does not try to second guess the counsellor but take the questions at face value. A friend will more likely try to second guess and figure out what their role is supposed to be. The dog, or cat, will be mute but give you a good lick. By structuring the questions properly, one can usually get even the most arrogant patient to start responding, probably because the patient subconsciously accepts the challenge and wants to compete with the counsellor a bit. Think of the counsellor as a mirror that helps you see who your are, what the problem may be, and possible ways to deal (cope?) with the issues. Now go give the dog a snack.
Laura

[Badtranny]

A friend might listen, but it's unlikely they would take notes.

The counselor cares, but they are being paid to care so that makes the process completely neutral. All they know is what you tell them, and they have a responsibility to call BS so you're not likely to mislead them like you would a friend.

I needed some answers about my gender issues before I proceeded. I didn't need someone to tell me how I felt, I needed someone to put how I was feeling in perspective.

[Stephanie-L]

Adina, the one problem I have with your thoughts is that I can tell my counseller things that I am not ready to tell my friends and family yet. I know she isn't going to tell people that I am not ready to talk to about things, and I know that she isn't going to take sides with someone else for emotional reasons. Yes, talking to friends and family is great, but they have an agenda too, they are friends of my wife, or they are part of the problem themselves. Also, she spots problems in relationships that people closer to them can't see. As to the gender aspect, it does help me accept myself, and more importantly it helps me check off the boxes in the formalities of transition. And for therapy I generally prefer cats, my dogs are a bit too active to talk much too, but petting a cat that is purring at you is an extremely calming experience for me. Good luck to you................Stephanie

[Elizabeth Ann]

I have had counseling, though the gender issues were only a small part. As others have said, therapists generally don't give advice. Rather they ask questions that lead you to a better understanding of the issues involved. This approach is so ancient, it is generally referred to as the Socratic Method. Socrates generally annoyed people by never answering a question, just asking them. As my favorite philosophy professor used to say, answers are easy, it is asking the right questions that is hard.

The detached, non-judgmental nature of therapists is sometimes disconcerting, and if you are looking for sympathy or validation, your friends may be more useful. If you are trying to understand yourself and your place in the world, then someone who isn't worrying about their friendship may be invaluable.

Liz

[Kaitlyn Michele]

No doubt that there are bad therapists, overly opinionated therapists..etc...as all things in life, there are risks, and its simply up to you to figure out if the person across from you (friend, family, therapist, dog) is trustworthy and knowledgeable enough to help you... in the day to day world, this is accomplished by homework and observation...if you don't study and you are a poor judge of people, then thats gonna haunt you in everything..

Among other things, therapists can ...

Introduce to other people that share your problems..(join groups...which is a huge positive step for SO MANY of us)
Bring resources to bear from their own experience...giving you outside inputs which you may have been unaware by just searching the internet
allow you to speak freely with no judgement.
point of coping mechanisms and thought patterns that impair your ability to think logically.
help you put abstract and troubling thoughts into words, giving your inner dialogue an understandable voice, allowing real action to replace circular unproductive thinking.
honestly detail out the roadblocks in your cd/tg/ts life in a realistic way.
put your thinking in the larger perspective necessary to have a high quality of life. (as melissa said)
point you in directions that you may have never thought of (or refused to think of).
teach you ways to lower anxiety and combat depressing and hopeless thoughts..

Other than that, they really can't do much..

[KrystalA]

I've never been in therapy. I see no need for it. Why pay someone to tell me why I crossdress? I already know the answer to that. I do it because I love doing it, and that's a good enough answer for me.

[Rachel Mari]

I've been in therapy for about 1.5 yrs. What I like about it is I don't feel like she can, or would, hurt me emotionally, that I won't be judged, or crititized (sp) for how I feel. We end up talking 1/2 about gender issues and the other half about my (I guess I can now say failed) marriage.

She too, more or less, just asks questions, but she also gives me ideas for a: Better communications with my wife. b: Different groups located locally that I would have a lot in common with. c: Support, major support, for me to try and figure myself out. d: Other therapists that my wife and I could both go together to help us deal with the change in our marriage and co-parenting.
For example: She told me about a local trans therapist and a book he had written. I purchased the book and started reading it and I was amazed at the insight and similiarites (sp) between me and his patients in the book. I ended up reading it in two sittings. She also told me he was going to have a book reading and so I went (first time I've ever gone to a book reading) and the reading was great! It was so interesting and I felt such a connection between the people around me, having so much in common. I would have never known about the book or the reading if she hadn't recommended it to me.

I trust her fully and can tell her anything. I really look forward to our meetings.

[Miranda-E]

All that being said I am still curious. What made you go and see a counsellor, rather than say talk to a close friend or your dog? (Very good listeners dogs. Not so great on the advice though. Unless of course you count "you need a cuddle and a snack" as advice.) How did you trust them? (This one I find particularly interesting, because I wouldn't take advice from anyone I didn't trust, not about personal stuff). And finally how did they help you? (If we could avoid the relatively obvious answer of they helped me to accept myself but maybe exactly HOW they helped you accept yourself).

Thankyou.

Counselors are a necessary evil at some points in the process. As for them helping, not one single bit on a personal level. Luckily in 2008 we managed to get counselors out of the states requirement loop for name changes based on HIPPA compliance and civil rights grounds. They still are required for various letters that ones friends and dog can't write.

[NathalieX66]

I didn't do gender counselors, though I have a bucket list of close to a dozen to call on. I'm, happy as I am now. What do I need a gender counselor for anyway?
Instead, I went the way of attending a couple of different TG support groups and made a lot of friends, and compared life stories. That actually worked out pretty well.

[Shananigans]

Each individual person will have different experiences in counseling. It sounds like you have preconceived notions on what counselors do and the type of people that see them. I can tell you that most people who receive counseling and even most people admitted to a psychiatric hospital are like you or me...but, are dealing with an issue in their lives inappropriately. When these issues are mild and self-controllable, seeing a counselor can help you. Counselors aren't there to "socialize," which is what you friends do. They are trained in therapeutic communication to help you progress or deal with whatever issue(s) brought you to them. I am not sure about Australia, but in America we see a pill as an answer to every problem. Unfortunately, a pill does not fix most problems on its own where psychosocial issues are concerned. We finally are moving away from just throwing a pill at things and seeing value in therapy.

In the end, you must be the person to decide if seeing a counselor will be beneficial or not to you. And, if you have these preconceived notions about the type of people who need counseling, maybe that would be something you could address in your first session.

[Badtranny]

And, if you have these preconceived notions about the type of people who need counseling, maybe that would be something you could address in your first session.

Doh!

It is interesting that so many seem to be anti therapy. I would still be struggling with my gender AND sexual identity if it weren't for those few months of therapy. I didn't need a lot, but boy did I need it.

[elizabethamy]

Counseling has been so critical to me these last few months. I wish I had found my present therapist years ago. I can't imagine how much better my life would be.

But if you get the wrong therapist -- ouch. Run. I have struggled over whether to get a "gender specialist" or a more general therapist. Primarily for insurance purposes, I chose the latter and have not regretted it. She puts things in context -- for example, where a gender specialist would see my mental health/anxiety issues as totally due to repression of gender expression, and might urge me to get the transition rolling, my more general therapist contextualizes things, talks about multiple causes (while never denying the importance of gender). Where the exploration and the counseling will lead is unknown.

But it makes me wonder a little bit -- does a "gender specialist" risk becoming an advocate for a position as opposed to a wise reflector and assessor of what you yourself are saying?

Therapy and yoga, therapy and yoga, therapy and yoga.

Elizabethamy

[Elizabeth Ann]

. . .
But it makes me wonder a little bit -- does a "gender specialist" risk becoming an advocate for a position as opposed to a wise reflector and assessor of what you yourself are saying?

Elizabethamy

This is a question I have been wondering about as well. I have been seeing a therapist about depression and some relationship issues. The cross dressing is dealt with in a non-judgmental, straightforward way: simply an aspect of who I am and how it affects relationships.

For a number of reasons, I have recently become interested in how specific gender therapists operate. Could those of you who are seeing a gender therapist please comment on whether they are, in a sense, advocates. Did they take as a given your own statements of gender orientation, and assume that some degree of transition is recommended?

I keep thinking of that old line: when your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.

Liz

[cindi cinnamon]

I don't know if gender counseling has helped me or not, because I've never been able to afford to go. If I could afford it, I'd go in a heartbeat.

[LeaP]

... please comment on whether they are, in a sense, advocates. Did they take as a given your own statements of gender orientation, and assume that some degree of transition is recommended?

For me, in a word: no. My therapist has already drawn a clear distinction between gender issues and other issues (which don't need detailing here).

There is no assumption of transition. It's not off the table either, and has been broached a number of ways, not the least of which was to point out a self-imposed block. it's a good example of a therapy point. This one was about age. In short, I was complicating questions of identity and transition with premature angst over *possible* complications and considerations for transition before a decision *to* transition had been made. She untangled that and pointed out the BS aspect deftly, in a sentence or two. Did she then launch into a transition discussion? Nope, she wanted to discuss over-thinking (Kaitlyn is undoubtably laughing at this point). Very helpful and very skilled.

It's about clarity. Treating strictly non-gender issues as separate issues doesn't mean they aren't interrelated, it just makes the nature of the relationship clear.

Lea

[Kate T]

I am not sure about Australia, but in America we see a pill as an answer to every problem. Unfortunately, a pill does not fix most problems on its own where psychosocial issues are concerned. We finally are moving away from just throwing a pill at things and seeing value in therapy.

In the end, you must be the person to decide if seeing a counselor will be beneficial or not to you. And, if you have these preconceived notions about the type of people who need counseling, maybe that would be something you could address in your first session.

There is a lot of " pill throwing" in Oz as well. I have a particular dislike of that for various reasons that I am sure you are aware of ( I.e. Inappropriate prescribing, lack of follow up, nasty side effects).

You are correct. I definitely have preconceived notions of what a counsellor may or may not do or be capable of. Hence this thread!

Thank you everyone for your responses too. They have been VERY enlightening. The idea / point that a counsellor Does not bring relationship or emotional influences to the table is a valid point. I am interested in how one develops that level of trust with a counsellor to actually take heed of their advice?

[Shananigans]

There is a lot of " pill throwing" in Oz as well. I have a particular dislike of that for various reasons that I am sure you are aware of ( I.e. Inappropriate prescribing, lack of follow up, nasty side effects).

You are correct. I definitely have preconceived notions of what a counsellor may or may not do or be capable of. Hence this thread!

Thank you everyone for your responses too. They have been VERY enlightening. The idea / point that a counsellor Does not bring relationship or emotional influences to the table is a valid point. I am interested in how one develops that level of trust with a counsellor to actually take heed of their advice?

Well, first off...if it is therapeutic communication, the counselor shouldn't be "advising" you. If someone were to ask, "What do you think I should do about my marriage?" The appropriate response would not be, "Well, I think you two need to go on more dates and communicate better?" The appropriate response WOULD be something like, "Well, what options have you considered that you think might be helpful to your marriage?"

The point is to teach the client how to appropriately come up with their own options and strategies to deal with particular issues in their life.

All counselors are not created equal, and I think the best thing you could do is go to a counselor that specializes in TG issues. If you have insurance, look at your plan and see if there are certain counselors in your network that are covered. I know that I only have like a set number of sessions that are covered by a certain number of counselors in my network haha. I'm not sure about how things work in Australia (I am a stupid American), but I know this DEFINITELY restricts my options for who I go to in the States.

And, you are smart to be weary of the prescription medications (especially, the psychopharmacological medications). I think that some of the psychopharm drugs are absolutely beautiful and help so many people IN CONJUNCTION to therapy. However, I don't think everyone and their dog needs to be on an SSRI or benzos. And, here, everyone and their dog is on an SSRI and a benzo. Diazepam (Valium) is a schedule IV drug here, meaning it has low abuse potential, low potential for physical dependency, and low potential for psychological dependency. We know through extensive clinical research that this is just not true. In fact, we know that coming off of this drug causes withdrawl symptoms that can include seizures and death. However, in schedule I (high abuse potential, high psychological/physical dependency), we have drugs that through clinical research, have shown no major abuse potential or withdrawl effects. And, we are supposed to take the government seriously on their data...it's pretty precious, actually.

ANYWAY, I can get off on a whole tangent on that after watching people detox...but, I'm off my soapbox. So, yes, I think counseling would be an option for you if you need to explore gender issues. These issues can definitely cause people a lot of anxiety and feelings of being alone....so, I think a counselor could help in exploring those feelings and options for coping. (Not to imply these are YOUR feelings...just giving an example). I would think this would be lightyears more appropriate than going to a practitioner and having a pill shoved down your throat when you express your feelings. It may turn out that chemical therapy might be appropriate for you WITH counseling, or you might be fine without it either. You may find after a few sessions of counseling that you have covered everything that you needed. Or, you may need to keep coming back.

Part of establishing rapport with your counselor is having multiple sessions. Some people can sit straight down and be comfortable putting everything on the table, and others may need time to get to a comfort level. You also have to realize that counselors are aiding you without judgement and without bias...so, they are the guiding hands to you examining your own emotions and options. I have found this type of guidance EXTREMELY helpful in the past. And, though I am not a counselor, I am finding my experiences in nursing psychiatric rotation to be extremely rewarding and I look forward to the one hour sessions talking to the clients. It's enough to make me consider the career of a psychiatric nurse practitioner.

So, I recognize that I am a little biased. I have positive experiences from both ends of therapy. But, at the end of the day, it is up to you!

[kimdl93]

to ad a note on drugs - for individuals with mild to moderate depression, cognitive therapy has shown to be more effective in acheiving lasting relief. And large scale studies show that in mild to moderate depression, placebos were effective in 75% of cases, while serotonin inhibitors, like Prozac, Paxil and Zolof, were effective in 76 % of cases. Not much of a benefit over a sugar pill!

[elizabethamy]

kim,

i must be the one percent. no one wants to take drugs for life. i've tried and tried not to take prozac or equivalents, but when i lay off it's as if a heavy gray fog descends between me and the world, and i'm just paralyzed with depression. regardless of what the studies say, if anyone saw the super bowl in the newly beautiful indianapolis, i'm here to tell you that i and all the other prozac users built that city (Lilly drug profits funded much of the new downtown, the museums, etc). So it must work -- I swear!

[Shananigans]

kim,

i must be the one percent. no one wants to take drugs for life. i've tried and tried not to take prozac or equivalents, but when i lay off it's as if a heavy gray fog descends between me and the world, and i'm just paralyzed with depression. regardless of what the studies say, if anyone saw the super bowl in the newly beautiful indianapolis, i'm here to tell you that i and all the other prozac users built that city (Lilly drug profits funded much of the new downtown, the museums, etc). So it must work -- I swear!

What you are describing is called SSRI Withdrawl, and it's a very real phenomenon.

[elizabethamy]

"What you are describing is called SSRI Withdrawl, and it's a very real phenomenon."

...which implies that at some point it lifts? when?

[Marleena]

Just a word of warning about anti-depression drugs. I was prescribed Cymbalta for pain and depression issues resulting from a workplace injury. This stuff is nasty, I had all kinds of side effects, avoid it all costs. They need to keep upping the doseage on it to keep it's effectiveness. The withdrawal symptoms are nasty and you have to be weened off it (no cold turkey). Just google withrawal symptoms from Cymabalta to see what I mean. My doctor tried to keep me on it for chronic pain, but I weened off of it and suffered for months with withrawal.

Please read side effects of these drugs before taking them.