Does your SO feel "trapped"?

[Fran Moore]

Well put Kathi, and very sad as well, but these are the cards we, (and they) have been dealt, for better/or worse.......I personally just hate it.

Yes, I am sadly sure my wife does feel that way - not that she is trapped in a marriage with me, but trapped in a life that she did not necessarily understand and/or accept. I believe she wants to be married to me as much as I certainly want to be with her, but I do think she is trapped in the sense that she feels that she has to try to accept something she does not understand, does not agree with, and does not want. As a woman and a wife, however, she wants so much to love her husband and be a source of strength and support, but probably feels that by blindly supporting "that thing I do" that she would, in effect, be giving up some of herself in the process.

It's sad that in in trying to be who we are that we cause others pain. I know that I have hurt my wife greatly, and my heart aches for her. Here is a woman that is trying to love me, and constantly sees reminders that I'm not the "normal" man that she wants, and thought she had - shaved legs in the colder months, and other hair removal - and she is expected to just smile? So basically in order for me to "win" she must "lose." That really, really sucks.

And, speaking of the "one must decrease in order for the other to increase" model, here's another way I have hurt my wife, and trapped her in this thing that we here tend to do; Sometimes I will say something on here that makes it sound as if I were the most feminine one in our relationship (totally BS, by the way!), as if that made me better than others by virtue of being the better "woman." Basically, I still go back to the typical male, "Oh yeah? I can top that!" game. Sad.

So, do we trap our wives? Yes. Some of us do. God willing, we make that place a place where they still want to be. This marriage is one "trap" I never want to get out of.

Kathi

[jaglover]

I just wanted to say, without going into personal details, that it can get a lot more complicated and difficult if there are other, unrelated problems in the relationship - such as money, kids, bedroom etc. Two things seem to go wrong in these circumstances.

(1) The SO, faced with an unrelated problem that deeply upsets her but she can't do anything about it, may 'get back' at us by dissing the cross-dressing (and anything else she can), making it impossible to know what her true feelings would be if everything else was OK.
(2) We, faced with something unrelated about our SO we're pissed about, can feel reluctant to speak up and fight our corner because of our guilt about the unwelcome 'guest' we brought into the relationship.

I salute all you SOs who are cool with all this; I suspect your relationships as a whole are in pretty good shape to be able to bear the extra load.

[Stephanie47]

Cross dressing is not my wife's cup of tea. She knows! She tolerates! I keep it private. She does not understand. I don't either. Yes, if there are other issues in the marriage, cross dressing may become an excuse for a marital break up. After all, who would side with the cross dresser? Poor wife! How did she put up with it for sooooo long? She's a saint. Poor girl. Blah blah. My wife said she would reveal my (our) secret to all and destroy me. Then she said she would never to that, if we split. Once said, it cannot be retracted. As I've said before, the wife hold the ultimate weapon of mass male destruction. Somehow the level of trust is never the same. She may not trust you because she was not told of the secret life. And, we may always have that little fear in the back of the mind.

[kimdl93]

[QUOTE=Stephanie47;2760586] .... Yes, if there are other issues in the marriage, cross dressing may become an excuse for a marital break up.... My wife said she would reveal my (our) secret to all and destroy me. Then she said she would never to that, if we split. Once said, it cannot be retracted. As I've said before, the wife hold the ultimate weapon of mass male destruction...QUOTE]

My ex wife at one time said "I have too much class to reveal your cross dressing out of spite." And then in the midst of the divorce, she did just that to our children, her family, my family, her coworkers, my coworkers, her friends, our friends, pretty much anyone who would listen. Oddly enough, if this was the supposed to be the ultimate weapon of mass destruction, it turned out to be a dud. I can't think of a single family member, friend or co-worker that rejected me or distanced themselves in any way as a result of this episode. I think, in the end, most people don't want to get dragged down into the gutter by the ill-intended remarks and actions that come out of a divorce.

[Kathi Lake]

From your posts Kathi it seems fairly obvious that you are a very caring and loving person and would go out of your way to minimise the impact your CD'ing has on your wife's happiness. No wife can or should expect their partner to be a martyr to her needs and wants - that would be her taking her happiness at her partner's expense.

Thank you so much for those words. I try so, so, so hard to be the husband - the man - my wife wants me to be. I try to place her needs before my own - and that works, for a time. . .

IMO discussion has to be the key.

Yes. It is. But what about when you both know that the stove is hot, and talking about this can only stir up trouble? What about when you are both mutually embarrassed and hesitant to talk about it? What about when life seems to be going swimmingly - and then I go and want to get dressed up. How can I bring her newfound happiness crashing to the ground yet again?

We talked.
We forged forward. She knows how I feel, I know how she feels.
We talked more about the what and why, she understands it a little better.
We set limits.

I managed to obtain some more info and even some boundaries.

Ginger, this is wonderful!! Congratulations on talking things through with your wife. I would say that you are in a wonderful place - even with the boundaries.

Even still, I can't help but feel a bit ridiculous when I dress in front of her.

I can understand totally! My wife once asked me if I wanted her to be involved at all. I'm sure I blew it (yeah, I know - typical guy) when I said no. She must have thought that it was an area that I wanted her to stay out of. I said no because I thought of the embarrassment of her from seeing me that way. Of course, with the way I look, it may bring her a sense of peace, knowing how ridiculous I do look.

Well put Kathi, and very sad as well, but these are the cards we, (and they) have been dealt, for better/or worse.......I personally just hate it.

Agreed, Suzanne. And sorry for the sadness. I've been kind of a Debbie Downer lately.

Kathi