My progression and the melting away of fears

[Amanda22]

Lately, I've pondered the progression of my outward femininity over the past year and a half. What used to terrify me is now so normal. This isn't a new topic, I'm sure, and we can all identify with it to some extent. My point is that I think it's remarkable how my brain adapts and my emotions change as I explore pushing the envelope.

For example, I've started wearing very bright nail polish 24/7 a couple of weeks ago. Oddly, I just don't care what anyone thinks about it. I wouldn't have done that months ago. I'm 52, so it's not like I'm latching on to some kind of youth-driven trend, if there is one. I'll also wear makeup in guy mode and it just feels normal to me. The first time I did these things, I didn't force myself to do them. Instead, it suddenly just felt OK and safe. Which left me thinking, "what happened in my head?"

I'm uncertain how much my progression of displaying obvious signs of femininity stems from mental/emotional adaptability, or just feeling like, "oh what the hell." Maybe it's the same thing. Regardless, I'm amazed at how fast I become comfortable with things which used to scare me. It's significant that I don't expect to encounter anything down the road which I won't quickly turn from "I'd never do that" to "of course I do that."

Question: Does everyone follow some sort of progression like I've described, or do some people get to a point and just don't go further? I'm not implying there's anything wrong with boundaries or fear. But in my case, at times I think my only persistent "fear" is that every other cross dressing-related fear melts away automatically.

[kimdl93]

Hi Mandy, Good question!

I have often wondered if the progression I've made, especially over the past year, has been as you say - a reflection of my brain adapting or a matter of overcoming fear and getting comfortable with doing things I've always wanted to do. I know that a number of boundaries have fallen for me, and with each passing day (ok, blending day) going out en femme feels increasingly "normal" for me.

I may be inaccurately paraphrazing something Reine once suggested - that each step in the progression may in fact be rewiring our mental circuitry so that we are more receptive, willing or motivated to dress and express femininity. It parallels the nature vs nuture views of behavior. Are we expressing something that we were born and genetrically or hormonally programmed to do, or by CDing are we rewiring ourselves to become more female. As Forest Gump said: " I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floatin' around accidental-like on a breeze. But I, I think maybe it's both."

[Laura912]

More, for me, like a point beyond which I choose not to go.
Laura

[Barbara Ella]

We all reach points in our progression beyond which it does not feel right or safe for us at that moment. We have fears and concerns that must be analyzed. This is where the rewiring comes in to play. We remain at our boundary point while we are analyzing the ramifications of the step beyond. For some, that analysis is never complete, or it continually comes out with more negatives than positives. Both of these scenarios do not allow the brain to begin rewiring to elevate acceptance and motivate action to take control.

Remaining at a boundary point is perfectly natural, just as it is natural to stop, pause, evaluate and move beyond that boundary to another. I call these boundaries my closets, and I am amazed how rapidly I have torn through so many closet doors in my short time. For each of us the realization that we can cross the boundary is different. For some it is a sigh of relief and a slow movement. For others it is a WTH moment accompanied by a rush to get across to begin the search for that next boundary.

Either way, it is a wonderful journey, wherever you end up. For me, if I never cross another boundary, I will pass away happy. Heck, I am so happy to be doing what I am doing that i am not looking for that boundary yet. Who could really ask for more?

Babes

[Marleena]

Good topic Amanda!

I'm a late bloomer (late 50's) and embracing this fully wherever it leads. It has been a pleasant experience for me. My "guy mode" is only important as survival mode to family and is taking a back seat on this ride. I've booked an enfemme vacation in Vegas with my wife for the Spring and plan on getting out and about. Girl mode just feels so right for me I have to go with it.

[Krististeph]

Hi Amanda.

Yes, the changes are ‘interesting’. Scary sometimes. But typical.

You are 52? You look great! I bet you exercise! -what is good for the heart is good for the brain.

As to the changes- neurochemistry. There are a few great book out there you should read on this. All accessible to non-medical types.

I love j allen hobson’s “consciousness” (amazon from $3) Hobson is chair of sleep medicine at Harvard. Great book- not just about sleep. You can learn a heck of a lot from this book- I was a senior biomed engineer, and a sleep doc contacted me to rig up some custom bio-sensors. 80% of what I knew about neurodynamics was from this book. I turned him onto studies and concepts he never heard of. Took to calling me “Dr. #####” in private. (At the time, I did not even have a two year degree (but I had done conservatively over 200 credit hours of self study)). It will help you learn about your brain. Awesome book.

and if you like it, consider:
“Wet Mind”; “The Three Pound Universe”; and “The Dying of Enoch Wallace”-

This will get you to the point you can do college level research on your own.

To answer: Yes, most people do. Fears are good, but you have gotten to the point all the fears consider for contingency planning have not been reinforced- therefore the brain shuts down or segregates the automatic and immediate fear response mechanism for this aspect. You are becoming proficient. In martial arts- this would be the ‘black belt’. Now you have the base or core knowledge. It’s not over yet though- after the black belt, the REAL learning begins.

You are just much more comfortable with it. J

Good job, Amanda-San!

-kristi

[DonnaT]

I reckon it can be said we all progress, to a point. It is that 'point' which is different for everyone. It can be the small step of just wearing hose to a step of going out fully enfemme.

I'm uncertain how much my progression of displaying obvious signs of femininity stems from mental/emotional adaptability, or just feeling like, "oh what the hell." Maybe it's the same thing.

Could be one leads to the other.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Lately, I've pondered the progression of my outward femininity over the past year and a half. What used to terrify me is now so normal.

This is so true, and its true for transsexuals and crossdressers alike...

Its a natural progression in all things to learn as you go... because of the social and cultural stigma around this stuff, it can be painful to start learning though..

Its no fun to be stared at or laughed at, but once you do it, you realize the benefits are worth the risk...and soon you don't care about the negatives..

[STACY B]

This is so true, and its true for transsexuals and crossdressers alike...

Its a natural progression in all things to learn as you go... because of the social and cultural stigma around this stuff, it can be painful to start learning though..

Its no fun to be stared at or laughed at, but once you do it, you realize the benefits are worth the risk...and soon you don't care about the negatives..

Put one foot in front of the other !! Same here KIM said it to did not think a year ago I would be this far ? Its human nature to want instint gratifacation,, The worse thing yopu can do is try an rush it ,,, Yull just get discouraged , Try an take a small step everyday ,,, An they will be BIG leaps at the end .

[Karenmarie]

Amanda
You're not fooling me....you really are a lady, right? Quit kidding around and admit it. If somewhere in that picture there is a man, there's no way I could see him.
You are SOOOO pretty and feminine looking, you really are just perfect. Good for you.

[BRANDYJ]

Yes, we are all so very different. Some are very deep in the closet and even their wife has no clue. Others are so out that thy might as well dress 24/7...and some do.
Sure over the years there have been minor progressions. I will go out to events or places where I kow we are accepted and even expected to be. But I will never progress to where I don't care what people think, be it my SO, friends, family co-workers and the general public. I would hate to think I have embarrased anyone that knows me by being so public.
I am happy with the extent of my progression and have no need to push the envelope and display my lifestyle to those that do not want to see it. I have to live and work in the town I live in. I keep my dressing as private and protected from laughs, jeers, snide remarks and loss of respect of those that do not, and never will understand. If I were to display any sign of crossdressing, be it polished nails or hints of feminine clothes, it could make many that would see it feel very uncomfortable around me. So part of my caring what others think is out of respect for others that just don't want or need to see it in public. I know this is not a popular response for those that feel they need to be pushed out of the nest, but it's the way I feel and I can't sugar coat it for the sake of those that think it's OK for a man to to display his feminione side in public unless he can pass or blend beyond most people's scrutiny and has a reason to do so. I can get away with my shaved legs, chest and pits since it is not unusual or that noticable. I can simply resond, if anyone asks, and say I just like it better and I hate body hair. Which is not a lie at all. But makeup and polish in male mode? Not gonna happen with me.

[Nancy (PA)]

The application of this "pushing the envelope" concept is no different for crossdressing than it is for any other aspect of our lives, and the situations that arise in our everyday lives. We all started out getting our toes and feet wet in the ocean, then wading out to our knees, then to our chest, and finally under water. And many have chosen to go out farthe than this and ride the big waves in. Just an example.

[BRANDYJ]

The application of this "pushing the envelope" concept is no different for crossdressing than it is for any other aspect of our lives, and the situations that arise in our everyday lives. We all started out getting our toes and feet wet in the ocean, then wading out to our knees, then to our chest, and finally under water. And many have chosen to go out farthe than this and ride the big waves in. Just an example.

I respectfully disagree Nancy. The results can be devastating to some of us, our friends and family. Some could even lose their jobs and respect in our communities by pushing that envelope to far.
For many it would be like your analogy of stepping in and over their heads to ride the big waves in, IF they did not know how to swim!

[NathalieX66]

Four years ago, I never thought I'd take this to where I am today. I've always been a crossdresser......just not a very honest and accepting one to my self. Once I started going to TG events and support groups, then out in the public eye either alone or with friends , I had to figure out exactly where I was going with all this. I had to struggle with some very key issues of my own identity, and figure out where I would be most happy.
Yes, I've grown out my hair for 15 months. Yes, I've gone through some permanent hair removal (laser & electrolysis). ye's I've gotten professional pedicures. Again, 4 years ago, I never thought I'd even be doing such things. This is the road I'm taking for now, and if I decide I need to make adjustments to the course of my journey, I will make them. Right now I just sail wherever the prevailing winds go.

[susangirl]

Yes, I agree we grow and things become normal. I'm a man and enjoy being a man but I also love dressing in womens clothing. Over the last year going out in public dressed as Susan has become very normal. The mind is very powerful and so is the desire to cross dress. Being confident in yourself is so important.

[sandra-leigh]

Well, for me going through HRT (13 months now) changed a lot of things. I Go Out less, I don't "Dress Out" (to coin a phrase by analogy to "Act Out"), I haven't worn my forms more than perhaps twice, most of my clothes are too small and I haven't bothered to shop -- and so on. But it isn't from "losing interest" as such: it is that the HRT reduced my GID (Gender Identity Dysphoria) quite a bit by moving my inner body and mind toward female and so I don't need to go out in public and "test myself" or "prove myself" or "demonstrate my identity" to everyone.

Barriers and fears: well, I still would quite rather be free to wear skirts and dresses to work at will, but the changes that are happening at work make it a really bad time to be a squeaky wheel. That is fear of losing my job, but the fear is a grounded one.

With my GID reduced, other steps don't seem so important. Later, maybe. I don't "need" them right now.

[Miriam-J]

Amanda,

Wow. I'm among those amazed that you're 52. This 51 year old is quite jealous.

As to the topic at hand. I agree with the many who expressed that our minds seem to adjust as we push our limits. We learn that many of our fears are based on assumptions that turn out to be false and too limiting. Many of those we love turn out to be more understanding than we could have hoped (but unfortunately there are many exceptions). I've also found that just sharing with other girls and hearing their assurances helps me to feel more confident in taking a few risks. Still, I'm not about to risk problems for my family, co-workers, or close friends - it's not their burden to bear.

Good luck as you continue to grow.

Miriam

[Jacqueline Winona]

Until I came here . . . Never thought I'd buy a dress from a store, for myself by myself; never thought I'd meet another CD, or have the courage to reach out to any; Never thought I'd ever tell a GG her shoes were nice (at least while still married and without having ulterior motives) . . .Never thought I'd have no fear of buying makeup . . . Never thought I'd have the courage to tell my wife that I don't just want to dress occasionally, but need to (ok, I'm still working on the last one).

[cdtraveler]

This is indeed a good topic and I can tend to agree and identify with most of the commentary and experiences. As others have tought me, fear is a valid emothion and is there to remind me to assess danger and protect myself - yet I can mayurely assess fear and in certain circumstances over come it, proceeding only after carefully weighing positives and negatives. In this fashion I too have been progressing along my vrossdressing journey, especially in this past year since joining this forum. Yet am still not willing to cross certain lines for what I could lose family and professionally. Still never would have immagined I'd be openly girl shopping in grab, over coming those fears for example. Will be interesting to see where I level off and assess if I take things further or not.