To be honest, I don't know *what* I'm angry at or why. I just am.
Lea
To be honest, I don't know *what* I'm angry at or why. I just am.
Lea
Well, it's good that you are facing the feeling, instead of suppressing it. Sometimes when I or others don't know what it is, I say "Just guess". Usually you can figure it out.
Joni
"Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free" Bob Dylan
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I don't think the ability to cope has much to do with gender.
What I mean is this; I think there are more TS that repress memory and simply have not got to a point their 'inner self' is comfortable with release. Or to another point, their 'inner self' is busting out whether or not the body lives past the trauma that is sure to result from that action.
Memory or lack of control of it is not part of gender, so it makes sense that not all TS have repression issues. For me, I don't know why, at lest to all of the repressed memory issues, but I do know that, when the 'inner self' feels safe, more memories surface. It is work.. hard work, but I like having to deal with these types of memories when they surface. For me this means I am healing and it would be great if I get to heal all of them prior to dieing.
Hi Lea, You are fortunate in that you acknowledge to yourself that you are angry because unacknowledged anger causes blindness of self.
"Freedom from the desire for an answer is essential to the understanding of a problem."
Jiddu Krishnamurti
IMHO...anger is about helplessness. our dysphoria is somewhat a product of the same helplessness...it is a feeling that displaces the emptinessOriginally Posted by Lea Paine
btw...its often in the context of anger at your helplessness to change others that people talk about anger this way (think of parental abuse, cheating/alcoholic spouse)
in our cases it may be kind of the same thing... your helpless "real" self raging at your "fake" self (thats too metaphysical for my taste but it makes some sense)
its a life or death feeling sometimes...this life or death feeling is very often the final straw for those of us that transition....
Kelly is right...anger is blinding..it masks your lifetime of built up wisdom.. why is it everytime i've punched the wall i've regretted it?? (outside of it hurts my hand)
The "chink" in my armor came in the form of a question from my sister. After I really started working it over in my mind, the revelations slammed into my mind. After that, I couldn't lie to myself any more. The biggest obstacle has been my fear of change but that is slowly being dealt with.
EDIT:I just remembered a memory as I was re-reading a few posts. I had crossdressed a few times as a child around the time puberty started. Only once did I stop to ask myself why. The answer chilled me, a child at the time, to the bone. "Because it's natural. It's right. More natural than being a boy." Needless to say, that was when my complete repression started. Repression became impossible once the "chink" described above happened.
Last edited by Asako; 02-26-2012 at 06:52 PM.
If I don't make changes happen for a better tomorrow, then who will?
If ya think about it older chix are way more of the majority than younger ones . An I think its all about oportunity an convenance ,,, Think about what Im saying when your young ya have to work an conform to requrments but the older ya get the more free time an liberal jobs an self employment jobs an parents are gone an siblings and kids are moved away so no direct everyday in an out judgment. An when I say kinda like weight lose think for a second when you were PUSHED at work physical labor you could an would lose weight like hell . But the older ya get an ya realy dont have to work like hell an usualy get the superviser jobs an management spot an we get lazy an are not pushed so its harder to lose weight see. so that being said if you have no one pushing ya to be a man an act a certain way at work orhome all the time you can let go an be yourself finaly , Just my thinking ,, An PLEASE this is not for EVERYONE just some of us
Yull Find Out !!! lol,,,,
I tend to think of the emotionalism and drama as having a lot more to do with survival, to preserve myself as I have been, than about what is emerging. That is, the emerging identity might be the threat, but it's not the source of the reaction. I'm feeling like a complete and total drama queen these days - waaaaay over the top for me. The emotion feels self-indulgent.
[edit] - It occurred to me after re-reading that it might not be clear how this was a response to your comment. It's this: Anger out of the current persona is an assertion of control. As far as it masking build-up wisdom, it simultaneously invokes it (or tries to) as well as tries to bury the threat. The latter is where blindness comes in.
By the way, don't punch pictures on the wall with cover glass. The amount of blood was unbelievable ...
And speaking of anger, this time without regard to persona, threat, or considerations of blindness ...
Stacy, I'll keep this in mind as I face a senior management meeting stuffed with some of most brilliant, accomplished, driven, competitive, and political people I've ever known. Yeah, none of us have to work anymore. it's easy and things just sorta work for us as we sip cocktails and flog the underlings occasionally. I have plenty of time to devote to my emotional issues - after all, I only typically work a 12-15 hour day, 6 days/week ... when I'm not traveling, on calls with Europe or Asia, or dealing with some problem in the middle of the night.If ya think about it older chix are way more of the majority than younger ones . An I think its all about oportunity an convenance ,,, Think about what Im saying when your young ya have to work an conform to requrments but the older ya get the more free time an liberal jobs an self employment jobs an parents are gone an siblings and kids are moved away so no direct everyday in an out judgment. An when I say kinda like weight lose think for a second when you were PUSHED at work physical labor you could an would lose weight like hell . But the older ya get an ya realy dont have to work like hell an usualy get the superviser jobs an management spot an we get lazy an are not pushed so its harder to lose weight see. so that being said if you have no one pushing ya to be a man an act a certain way at work orhome all the time you can let go an be yourself finaly , Just my thinking ,, An PLEASE this is not for EVERYONE just some of us
Just WHAT did you think a comment that insinuates gender identity issues are the province of fat, lazy, old people cruising by on the minimum added to this? Get a f'in clue. This is my life at stake. Now with THAT I know what I'm angry about.
Lea
Last edited by LeaP; 02-26-2012 at 09:48 PM. Reason: Added clarifications to first part of response. Toned down (yes) response to Stacy.
It DID happen when I was a child and a teen...
I am one of the "classic" girls who ALWAYS knew. I fell asleep almost every night of my childhood praying, begging, bargaining God to change me, to make me right, to make me the girl I knew I was. And every morning I woke up dismayed at my lack of results. How THAT experience mapped into my decision to become a member of the clergy I will likely never figure out.
And I can remember very distinctly the moment in 7th grade where, after shooting up from about 5'0"-6'1" in about 4 months time, and having suddenly woken up one morning with a radio announcers bass voice, (instead of the vagina I had been asking for) I KNEW without question or hesitation that I would never be able to be presentable as a girl. I KNEW that I would NEVER be able to be a girl. And I can't tell you how that knowledge crushed my soul. I am suppressed I survived the day - not because I would have taken my own life, but one's soul can simply not take that sort of destruction and continue... The fact that I didn't just stop living seemed like little more than a sick joke.
But I did keep living. And I knew that I wasn't ever going to be a girl. That door had been closed to me by my rebellious body. And so I started to build the appearance of a normal male life. If I couldn't have what I wanted, i would at least have something "nice." I closed the door on the girl and NEVER looked in that room unless I HAD to. Looking in there would only bring pain and longing, and it was easier to deal with if I never seriously considered it ever again. Testosterone helped a lot with that.
At one of my first sessions with my therapist she asked me a question that still haunts me to some extent. She asked me if I had any insight into "why now?" Why was I seeking her out at this point in my life? I didn't have a good answer, I told her I didn't really know, and I asked her if she had any insight. Her response has made a lot of sense to me in the last few years: "You have reached a point where you have the resources and time to deal with it."
Previously I had been in college, or grad school, or I was getting married, or I was starting my careers and trying to get my bearings. But in my early-mid thirties at some point... I came to the point where I could finally relaxant focus on something other than building that "nice life" I had been trying so hard for since Jr. high. And when I did that - along with relaxing and taking a breath for a second, came the shudder inducing, soul crushing, whole-body-scream-inducing, agony, of that day when I first knew I couldn't ever be who I was. Only this time I wasn't a scared adolescent without social or familial support (my mother had been particularly hard on me when I behaved in gender variant ways as a "boy"). I was an adult, an emotionally competent (more or less) adult, with a supportive wife, a set of car keys, and health insurance that could be used to purchase things like therapy. And so when I went to therapy to figure out what I was, and how to live with myself, and how to make the pain go away, I learned that my adolescent self had bought into a lie built on fear and fed by insecurity - two things in ample supply to every adolescent. I learned, very slowly, very timidly, VERY cautiously through experimentation, and through meeting some other girls that I COULD do this. That I COULD be the girl I knew I was. Even at 6'2", even with a bass voice, BIG paws, and a receding hairline.
And my soul sang. For the first time in 20 years I knew joy. There was light, and hope in the deepest darkest pit of my being, a place where all hope had been taken away for a very long time. There was no way I was ever going to go back, I survived it once, but if I had to do it a second time, it would kill me, there is no way I could endure that a second time.
"I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it." — Marilyn Monroe
OMG!!!!!!!!! did you ever hit the nail on the head with me , thank you for your threadthank you thank you very much
Hope, that was an extraordinarily personal response. Thank you. This line in particular is visceral:
The time and resources points differ for all of us. I'm in my 50s and make less than I did 15 years ago when I was a rising star instead of an experienced hired gun. Divorce and the recession decimated my retirement savings and I don't have 20-30 years to make up the difference. On the time point, I may have fewer family needs to attend (children are grown), but again, job demands are extremely heavy.... the shudder inducing, soul crushing, whole-body-scream-inducing, agony, of that day when I first knew I couldn't ever be who I was.
For me the urgency - the identity crisis - started with feeling the need to crossdress more, and more openly. Coming out at home blew Pandora's box wide open and the consequences of what seemed like such an innocuous action are still flowing. Really, it just poured out and it has *nothing* to do narcissism, taking advantage, or any of the myriad things that are often accused on this site (usually in the CD section). It hasn't been fun. It's been dismaying and destructive, with emotional consequences that are worse for me than even my wife at least in one respect.
I turned to therapy in large part because of memories coming back. The other major therapy factor was flashes of feeling female. Not thinking, not imagining. Feeling. My therapist tells me all of these are common experiences. She mentioned, however, that for all the differences among her patients, there is exactly one thing ALL those who are trans have in common: at some point in their lives they start seeing life through a female lens. For me, it also means coming to terms with the realization that that perspective has always been there but that I've brutally (yes indeed, Kaitlyn) decapitated it at every opportunity. You can take pleasure in pain and self-denial, thinking you are doing it for things like self-discipline, not realizing that you are killing yourself.
Would that I had gone into a more humanistic discipline, Hope. I was encouraged by people close to me to go into counseling or the clergy when I was younger. Perhaps it would have led me to a better place, earlier in life.
Lea
thank youIf ya think about it older chix are way more of the majority than younger ones . An I think its all about oportunity an convenance ,,, Think about what Im saying when your young ya have to work an conform to requrments but the older ya get the more free time an liberal jobs an self employment jobs an parents are gone an siblings and kids are moved away so no direct everyday in an out judgment. An when I say kinda like weight lose think for a second when you were PUSHED at work physical labor you could an would lose weight like hell . But the older ya get an ya realy dont have to work like hell an usualy get the superviser jobs an management spot an we get lazy an are not pushed so its harder to lose weight see. so that being said if you have no one pushing ya to be a man an act a certain way at work orhome all the time you can let go an be yourself finaly , Just my thinking ,, An PLEASE this is not for EVERYONE just some of us
i consider this an advertisement for safe haven
Just WHAT did you think a comment that insinuates gender identity issues are the province of fat, lazy, old people cruising by on the minimum added to this? Get a f'in clue. This is my life at stake. Now with THAT I know what I'm angry about.
Lea[/QUOTE] { I SAID IT WAS NOT } FOR !!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYBODY ,,,,, SEE cant help somepeople ???
Yull Find Out !!! lol,,,,
I had it in reverse. I was me, and I knew I was a boy, and I knew from my parental education and my reading that my natural behavior pretty much matched the model polite boy (be nice, don't be destructive, avoid rough-housing, be helpful, don't interrupt, listen when people are talking, etc..) And especially considering that I really did like the forest, I was like the natural boy scout (except that I wasn't a leader.) I was doing things right, I knew, but why do all these other boys have to be so strange and insensitive? I didn't try to fit in because what the others were doing was wrong. I didn't belong with the others, but that didn't mean that I wasn't a boy. I didn't question my identity, I questioned theirs.
And eventually, not very long ago, my sense of present identity changed. What-ever I might have been then, I am as I am now.
At times I have wondered whether I was (or am) insane, to maintain my relatively firm sense of acting properly (or reasonably) when my behavior appears to be fairly different than other people's. I am told, though, that No, my grasp on reality is unusually good.
Yup, I've definitely left the barn. But I didn't move into the next barn over either. I'm wandering out alone, thinking about staying out and pondering what life would be like in the other barn.
I seldom initiated or volunteered for hair cuts. Someone would take me and get my hair cut short because my hair had grown long and shaggy: left to myself I would grow it long. I usually didn't really want to go, not unless my hair was really getting into my eyes (sweaty hair against eyeballs is not comfortable.) And my hair would get pretty short, and after the haircut my hair would feel so light, and would look good, and I wasn't carrying around all that heavy hair in hot weather, and I would say, "Oh, I feel so free, I wonder why I resisted?!"
I remember that I would argue, "But I like long hair." In those days, I never knew why, I just did. No, I wasn't aware of feeling any more feminine with long hair. It was just a preference that to me didn't have to be justified any more than someone would have to justify preferring one kind of food to another.
Okay, so I didn't act like the other boys. Playing jump rope and hopscotch didn't make me feel like a girl, even if it did differentiate me from the boys who would never do that.
It's sort of like this: left to themselves in small groups away from the peer pressure, boys and girls will often play together. Brothers will play with sisters and friends because they are there, and it's something to do, and maybe there is some fun in the skills. Games will get played together in privacy that would not be admitted in crowds. Except that I would play those games in school. Not because I felt like a girl, but because I didn't make nearly as much distinction between what was "acceptable" at home and at school; if it was not wrong at home, then it wasn't wrong at school. And the guys were doing something uninteresting or that I wasn't welcome to join (not athletic enough)... and the girls were there and it was something to do, and there was some fun in the skills.
So perhaps rather than an unresolved Identity struggle being the key, perhaps an unresolved sense of difference is a key. Or maybe that's just me being different again
Lea,
supression of memories is a survival mechanism for transsexuals. without it very few of us would live long enough to transition. I know I wouldn't have made it without it.
Stacy,
your comments about gender issues being predominatly among the older ones of us here is completely in error. there are more in their 20's and 30's to mid 40's than there are over 55+. the older ones of us are just more vocal and open about our status than the younger ones normally.
issues of GID manifest at different times for different people, some younger and some older. it all depends of each persons individual circumstances in how it expresses itself and to the extent it interferes with your "normal" life. no two people react the same, and no two lives are the same. Gid is something that none of us ever wanted or desired,it just is.
dealing with it is hard and time consuming, occuping more and more time and emotional capital. robbing each and everyone.
maybe a dose of reality is needed for those who think that this is being a "DRAMA QUEEN" .
GID is a serious condition and deserves all the attention that can be brought to bear on it from the medical profession. Both from therapy to handle the stress it causes to medical intervention when necessary. be that in the form of hormone therapy up to and including surgery. this not only is a disease of males but also of females. listen to the FTM here and you will hear identical stories as you do from the MTF, there are no differences. we will sink or swim together, one can't make it without the other. we are all born with one or the other, male or female bodies, do they always match with our gender identity, no and they never will.
Danni
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