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Thread: My Wife Avoids Talk of CD'ing

  1. #76
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    I'm sort of in the same place. years ago in my computer stupidity phase she found the history of this forum. She asked me why "I said i 'm interested in it." Reply "Well it is late, I'm going to bed." I had a sleepless night (as I should have) and in the morning there was no mention of this. he dropped it. My thoughts were that if she wants to involve herself she would ask. I didn't think my desire to talk about it trumped her choice to let it drop. We live happily under the don't ask don't tell concept. would i like you love to have her participate but that would be asking more of her than I'm willing to do. if you push it she may say, "Stop or I will leave." if you want her to be a part of it, isn't that the same as if she asked you to stop??? Consider the risks of pushing her into an uncomfortable position, she may leave. If that option is better than what you have now, you decide. Do remember it is tough to put a lid back on a can of worms you opened.
    You mention that she is conservative so how could you think it would be easy for her to accept this. She has probably done a heck of a lot of tongue bitting over 9 years. Let sleeping dogs lie unless you are willing to accept her answer to your crossdressing. Why does she have to be accepting and not just have you stop. Another option is for you to see a counseler who knows these issues very well.
    Good luck!

  2. #77
    Psyco Roller Derby Doll. Katesback's Avatar
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    See a counselor? Ya think that the wife wants to go to a counselor? Or more importantly what if the wife refuses to go to a counselor? I mean there is really nothing wrong with her and the CD really has nothing wrong with him.

    If I had to take a bet here I would say the wife would not have any interest in going to a counselor.......... except if say the CD said he was going to five for divorce or something. Perhaps that would wake her up. Of course the CD LOVES his wife and does not want a divorce so I doubt anything will happen anytime soon.

    Katie







    Quote Originally Posted by Sarasometimes View Post
    I'm sort of in the same place. years ago in my computer stupidity phase she found the history of this forum. She asked me why "I said i 'm interested in it." Reply "Well it is late, I'm going to bed." I had a sleepless night (as I should have) and in the morning there was no mention of this. he dropped it. My thoughts were that if she wants to involve herself she would ask. I didn't think my desire to talk about it trumped her choice to let it drop. We live happily under the don't ask don't tell concept. would i like you love to have her participate but that would be asking more of her than I'm willing to do. if you push it she may say, "Stop or I will leave." if you want her to be a part of it, isn't that the same as if she asked you to stop??? Consider the risks of pushing her into an uncomfortable position, she may leave. If that option is better than what you have now, you decide. Do remember it is tough to put a lid back on a can of worms you opened.
    You mention that she is conservative so how could you think it would be easy for her to accept this. She has probably done a heck of a lot of tongue bitting over 9 years. Let sleeping dogs lie unless you are willing to accept her answer to your crossdressing. Why does she have to be accepting and not just have you stop. Another option is for you to see a counseler who knows these issues very well.
    Good luck!

  3. #78
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    Rose's advice is good. it would be better to try to discuss her fears and perhaps try to debunk any misconceptions she has about CDing generally, before getting into specifics.

    If the conversation is primarily about what you want, then her issues are never addressed or resolved and you come off as self-centered.

    Finally, if your wife is ultra conservative, then you're are fighting against some deeply entrenched ideas, ideas that are often resistant to change. Good luck with that.

  4. #79
    Gold Member Marleena's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Katesback View Post
    See a counselor? Ya think that the wife wants to go to a counselor? Or more importantly what if the wife refuses to go to a counselor? I mean there is really nothing wrong with her and the CD really has nothing wrong with him.

    If I had to take a bet here I would say the wife would not have any interest in going to a counselor.......... except if say the CD said he was going to five for divorce or something. Perhaps that would wake her up. Of course the CD LOVES his wife and does not want a divorce so I doubt anything will happen anytime soon.

    Katie
    I think this pretty much sums everything up. The only hope seems to be a counselor to get the two of them talking with each other.

  5. #80
    Psyco Roller Derby Doll. Katesback's Avatar
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    What I think some of you are overlooking is the fact that some people do not change. Some people have rock solid convictions. A counselor will do noting to change this. I am unyielding on religion. I have no interest in it. I dont want to hear about it, and a counselor will not change my convictions.

    Let me tell you a story. When I began transiton I lost all the people I knew before. I have not talked my my Sister in years. She has her convictions and I dont have any reason to believe a counselor can help her. Theres nothing wrong with her! I have not talked to my parents in years also. Same story.

    People are not easy to re-program thier minds. Thats probably one of the reason I preach to TS girls to learn to keep thier mouths shut about trans stuff with no trans people. Non trans people generally dont want to hear about us. A better form of activism is to just live your live in the eyes of the world and let them see you as a normal person. Same applies to the Cds that have some idea of telling people about being CD. I tell you what if your not intending to show them the girl, theres no point in talking to other people about it. Talk to your trans friends but not non trans people. They dont want to hear about it.




    Quote Originally Posted by Marleena View Post
    I think this pretty much sums everything up. The only hope seems to be a counselor to get the two of them talking with each other.

  6. #81
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    Quote Originally Posted by kimdl93 View Post
    Rose's advice is good. it would be better to try to discuss her fears and perhaps try to debunk any misconceptions she has about CDing generally, before getting into specifics.
    Do we have any reason to believe that "fears" are involved, especially debunkable ones? Do we have any reason to believe that her objections are rooted in ignorance? My impression is that she simply wants no part of renea's CDing, and the more she learns about it, the less she likes it. The friction comes because renae keeps asking her to participate in his CDing, despite her very clear message that this is a hard limit for her. The talk of "discussing her fears" comes off, frankly, as patronizing.

    If I were in her position, I would also be unwilling to talk about it, because I would assume that the purpose of any conversation would be to talk me out of my feelings. I'm sure she feels at a disadvantage in the situation, because she can't stop renea from doing what he wants, or even get him to take her feelings seriously. Furthermore, if she has grown up in a conservative culture, she's probably learned that a woman's feelings and needs don't count for much when measured against a man's.

    I can't help remembering how, every now and then, someone posts an article asking the CDs here how they would feel if their wife/SO decided they wanted to "be a man" part-time. Most of the CDs have indicated they would not be very accepting of it.

    So it seems to me that there's no small amount of sexism and sense of entitlement in the idea that all it takes is to really explain to a woman how important her SO's/husbands CDing is to him, and she will simply put aside her objections and distaste and learn to at least be a good sport about her hubby's new "hobby."

  7. #82
    Gold Member Marleena's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Katesback View Post
    What I think some of you are overlooking is the fact that some people do not change. Some people have rock solid convictions. A counselor will do noting to change this. I am unyielding on religion. I have no interest in it. I dont want to hear about it, and a counselor will not change my convictions.

    Let me tell you a story. When I began transiton I lost all the people I knew before. I have not talked my my Sister in years. She has her convictions and I dont have any reason to believe a counselor can help her. Theres nothing wrong with her! I have not talked to my parents in years also. Same story.

    People are not easy to re-program thier minds. Thats probably one of the reason I preach to TS girls to learn to keep thier mouths shut about trans stuff with no trans people. Non trans people generally dont want to hear about us. A better form of activism is to just live your live in the eyes of the world and let them see you as a normal person. Same applies to the Cds that have some idea of telling people about being CD. I tell you what if your not intending to show them the girl, theres no point in talking to other people about it. Talk to your trans friends but not non trans people. They dont want to hear about it.
    I totally get it. I just hate telling people a situation is hopeless, in this case the OP. It's one of my quirks I guess..

  8. #83
    Silver Member BRANDYJ's Avatar
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    The OP has not responded and has not even been to this site for 2 days, so I guess he got the suggestions he needed and has moved on. So it looks like the OP is the one that does not want to talk about it.

  9. #84
    Silver Member Joanne f's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Katesback View Post
    What I think some of you are overlooking is the fact that some people do not change. Some people have rock solid convictions. A counselor will do noting to change this. I am unyielding on religion. I have no interest in it. I dont want to hear about it, and a counselor will not change my convictions.

    Let me tell you a story. When I began transiton I lost all the people I knew before. I have not talked my my Sister in years. She has her convictions and I dont have any reason to believe a counselor can help her. Theres nothing wrong with her! I have not talked to my parents in years also. Same story.

    People are not easy to re-program thier minds. Thats probably one of the reason I preach to TS girls to learn to keep thier mouths shut about trans stuff with no trans people. Non trans people generally dont want to hear about us. A better form of activism is to just live your live in the eyes of the world and let them see you as a normal person. Same applies to the Cds that have some idea of telling people about being CD. I tell you what if your not intending to show them the girl, theres no point in talking to other people about it. Talk to your trans friends but not non trans people. They dont want to hear about it.
    I agree with you in that some people can never change their convictions and it would be wrong to try to do that but what if there was another way in that a third party might help them understand why the other person needs to do what they have to , you may then get some dialogue going on between them about the situation .
    By the way i am English so i must admit that i do not understand this therapist/counselling thing .
    I also agree with this as the only people who will understand are the one`s who have or are going thought it but that should not stop some others from trying to understand it .
    Last edited by Joanne f; 02-28-2012 at 03:58 PM.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne

  10. #85
    trans punk Badtranny's Avatar
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    I'm going to say something that I want everyone to forget immediately; I agree with Kate.

    I guess it was only a matter of time before the "Voice of Experience"tm took a position that I can't argue with, but at least she still did it in her patented take no prisoners style.

    It takes guts to live an authentic life. Winners blame themselves, losers blame their circumstances.
    Quote Originally Posted by STACY B
    At least there is social acceptance in being a drunk in our world. Hell I was good at it too.
    Melissa Hobbes
    www.badtranny.com

  11. #86
    In transmission whowhatwhen's Avatar
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    Iono, sometimes it's better not to rock the boat in shark infested waters.
    Wait, what the hell am I thinking anyway?

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