Ready to come out, but she left

[Aloha Jayne]

I had made up my mind to come out to the wife today. She is really getting suspicious and the elephant in the room is eating us out of house and home already. So I made up my mind last night. I'll get out the bottle of tequila and two shot glasses and say: We need to talk. I was looking forward to getting this off my chest and moving past it.

But she left. Well,,,,,,she'll be back; just went to visit the grand kids. And I sure didn't want to bring this up and then not have an opportunity to have a follow up conversation and answer her questions. I mean, it would be: "Ok honey, see you, miss you, I like to wear a dress, hug the grand kids for me."

And she would go: "What did you just say?"

"I said, hug the grandkids."

"No, before that."

"Miss you?"

So I have to wait until she returns in a week, and work up my courage all over again. Mean time, I get to dress for a week.

[Cheryl T]

I would suggest putting the tequila back in the cupboard and just having the discussion.
That's basically what I did. I said, "We have a problem". She asked what it was and I went from there. It may be viewed by many as "my problem", but since it does have such an impact on us both I chose to phrase it that way.
We talked for days...not just hours. I brought her here to read what others say and see that I am not "alone". We also joined a Tri-Ess chapter and have made many friends and it helped open her eyes to see me as me and not as some freak.

[~Joanne~]

It is best that you waited. You didn't want her to leave with that knowledge to formulate her own answers to whatever fears she may have concerning the new information you gave her. Look at it as time to ponder exactly what you want to say and try to prepare yourself for any negative reactions she may have.

Good luck

Joanne

[Karren H]

Personally I'd spend the next week preparing for her response.... Anything from "that's nice" to "I want a divorce you pervert!". I'm betting it closer to the latter..... Good luck!

[kimdl93]

Don't know your wife, but you do. How do you expect her to respond?

[JenniferR771]

Good point, Kindl,

Try in your mid to predict how she will respond.
The be prepared for an optimistic response and a worse response.
And be ready to answer the usual questions and any questions you can predict from her particular point of view.

Are you old enough for grandkids?

[NicoleScott]

I think that starting the conversation off by defining it as a problem is unnecessarily defensive. You are what you are.

[mbmeen12]

Alcohol, never solves anything but you know that. Problem solving 101 here.
Do you want to stay married? Y/N
Does/will wife support you Cding? Y/N
Does/is CDing worth your marriage if she says burn everything? Y/N
Cause and effect my friend...
If you want to continue you can keep writing questions out while you wait for your wife to return. Any CD-TG support groups around you and "IF" she willing to attend them Y/N? Good luck and there are plenty of nice warm people to talk too here and much wiser than I... Kara

[Laura912]

You might want to prepare for best case and worse case scenarios...total acceptance and total rejection. Nicole is correct in that you need to present this as something that you do and not as a problem. Teach her what cross dressing means and what it isn't. You will need some thoughts prepared to answer the question, "Why are you telling me this now?" You have a week. Rehearse your delivery and responses. You could consider writing the initial part down and sitting with her while she reads it. Also, if you come to an agreement and you accept her terms, be willing to stick to them.
Laura

[Aloha Jayne]

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts, suggestions and support. I do know my wife, and I'm 99% sure about how she will respond. That's part of the reason I have waited so long, I know it won't be pleasant. Yes, I want to stay married, and yes she is more important. But I have rehearsed this 100s of times and know how to answer anything she will ask. I want to give her a little information, and then open it up for questions, to see how she is taking it, then give her more info. I want to have her tell me how much she already knows, or what she thinks she knows. And then fill in the rest.

The tequila drinking is just me being a drama queen. I understand that over indulging would not be a good thing. However, it has been a tradition in our marriage of 23 years to have a shot or two and talk. It helps us relax and say what we are really thinking. When we both worked 9-5, we would always have a couple on Friday after work, and talk about our week. It has helped our marriage, and might help in this situation. And btw, we keep it in the freezer.

[BRANDYJ]

I am one of the fortunate ones that has an SO that is very supportive and does not have an issue about my being a CD. In fact, she enjoys some aspects of it. I had 2 past wives that also were very supportive.
I think the first thing to consider is how much you know your wife and how accepting she might be of any alternate lifestyles or gender/sexual issues. How does she feel about gays? as she ever been exposed to anyone that is in anyway TG and how dod she respond to it. Would her religious beliefs cloud her thinking and feelings about knowing her husband is a CD?
For every person i ever told, with the exception of one ( my brother), I had a very good sense of how they might accept it and not cause any issues. I have shared this with 2 male friends and about half a dozen GG friends and not a one had an issue. But again, I either felt them out, or based on what I knew about them and how they felt about any and all kinds of sex/gender issues, I had a very good idea how they would respo0nd or react. if anything it made my friendship bond stronger with allof them. So all I'm saying is, have you done your homework on how you think your wife will respnd based on what you know of her core values and perceptions on issues like this? What I do know after talking to some of my GG friends is that they are OK with it when it comes to friends, but most would not be able to handle it if it was their husband.
I wish you well and hope it goes smoothly for you. Telling her is only the beginning. Dealing with it and living it can be totally different if you push it, or get lost in the pink fog with that weight off your shoulders shoud she be OK with it. You have to make her the most important thing in your life and consider her emotions and what limits she may express.

EDIT: I was writing this while the OP posted her response to this thread. Aloha, I'm glad to hear you seem prepared. Again, good luck.

[Marlana]

Well AJ, it sounds like you've thought it out and are ready for any questions. This is truly commendable that you want to slowly inform her and give her time to absorb the info. It's always been MY experience that the route I have chosen goes to crap as soon as I get it out. I would love to have this same conversation with my wife, except that once the door is open and you've stepped through, there's no goin' back. I tell myself, if she said "I've been having an affair for the last year", how would I react. Not to well. I really wish you the best of luck when you tell her.

[RADER]

I agree, put the tequila away; I have some 16 year old single malt Scotch.
Give her a shot of that, and she will be dressing you.
I hope all goes well, My wife is OK with my dressing and it sure is a relief for me.
Rader

[Tina B.]

35 years ago, I told my wife, it was the best thing I ever did.
Tina B.

[Miriam-J]

But I have rehearsed this 100s of times and know how to answer anything she will ask. I want to give her a little information, and then open it up for questions, to see how she is taking it, then give her more info. I want to have her tell me how much she already knows, or what she thinks she knows. And then fill in the rest.

But, are you prepared for no questions at all? What if she says she doesn't want to hear another word? Shutting down can be even more painful.

If you're nearly certain she's going to respond harshly, then you might want to start by keeping it third person and building foundations over a period of days or weeks. Discuss "others" who have such issues to live with, other husbands and wives, ... After she has a chance to assess her feelings about it, she'll probably suspect you might have more to say. Might be safer than straight and more effective than straight on.

Miriam

[Kaz]

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts, suggestions and support. I do know my wife, and I'm 99% sure about how she will respond. That's part of the reason I have waited so long, I know it won't be pleasant. Yes, I want to stay married, and yes she is more important. But I have rehearsed this 100s of times and know how to answer anything she will ask. I want to give her a little information, and then open it up for questions, to see how she is taking it, then give her more info. I want to have her tell me how much she already knows, or what she thinks she knows. And then fill in the rest.

The tequila drinking is just me being a drama queen. I understand that over indulging would not be a good thing. However, it has been a tradition in our marriage of 23 years to have a shot or two and talk. It helps us relax and say what we are really thinking. When we both worked 9-5, we would always have a couple on Friday after work, and talk about our week. It has helped our marriage, and might help in this situation. And btw, we keep it in the freezer.

Worry lines for me... not the alcohol...

"I do know my wife"... alarm bells! No you don't... you know how she is in other situations... this is new territory.

I admire your self-confidence and sense of control, but this could be a very different scenario and as has been said, playing the possible scenarios is to me second nature... be prepared for the unexpected?

But it sounds like you have it all buttoned down... good luck!

[Deanna77]

Let us know how it goes! Hoping it will be well

[Aloha Jayne]

The only scenerio that I am unprepared for would be if she said, "I know all about it, and I think it's great! Let's go shopping." That would leave me speechless. Other than that, I do know what to expect, and the silent treatment would be the hardest to deal with. But what she will do is belittle and trivialise my situation, telling me it's all in my head, and I am a strong person I and shouldn't need it. I know everyone here knows how untrue that is. But it will take time to get her to listen to me. And I'm not asking for acceptance, tolerance, understanding and certainly not participation. I just want to be honest and not have to have secrets anymore.

Thanks again to everyone and their wonderful suggestions. It is so nice to have a place to say what I'm thinking and not be judged or critisized.

[BillieJoEllen]

Years ago my wife was seeing a therapist. She was depressed and blamed my CDing for a lot of her problems. She did a complete 180* and turned from being accepting to being totally against what I did. She started talking about my CDing almost everytime we talked. She was very angry with me. Just out of spite one night when she came home I was fully dressed. She was visibly upset but we talked for hours.This was only the second time she ever saw me dressed. I thought we had good communication together that night and I asked her one day shortly after if we could talk again with me fully dressed. She nixed the idea and a few weeks later she and I separated for a year. She continues hating CDing to this day.

[Jessica86]

Most are upset because it has been hidden for a long time, not because of the dressing. I believe 95 percent of women fall into the categories of accepting or accepting but not participating. Any woman will take honesty over content any day. I told my wife just over a year ago. She looked at me, and said "Ok.....why? Do you want a sex change or something?" I said no, and she asked if I was gay. After another no, she hugged me saying she loved me for who I was and was glad I told her. You never know how someone is going to react. Now, we hang out together and it progresses more and more each day. She browses the site, and wants to take me shopping. Problem is...she's pregnant...and we don't want her going into labor while I'm dressed. That's the last thing my family needs to walk in and see. Another woman helping my wife through child birth....lol. Good luck with it, and remember...patience is a virtue. It took a while before my wife stopped coming home with questions every day. I didn't mind. It just helped her understand.

[Chickhe]

What are you going to tell her... that you like CDing or you want to live life as a woman? ... If its the first, I say, ask her if she wants to do something fun....tell her you have been watching faceoff and saw how the amazing the male to female transformation was and you always wanted to do it to see how good you can look ( laugh, or how bad)... Say you don't want her to tell anyone, but could she help you? ...if not, tell her you are going to try anyways and she doesn't have to see it... if she says no way in hell...just say, what's the big deal?...just a costume and you thought it would be something a little crazy and fun to do...

[Kerigirl2009]

I would think long and hard before revealing your deepest secret. I thought I knew how my wife of 15 years (at the time) would respond and I was right the first night until it set in and totally destroyed how she views me as a man. It has been 2 years and 9 months since I did the big secret reveal and she still views me as less of a man. So in her eyes I have failed her, as a man.

I am not saying don't tell her but be prepared for heartache and be prepared to crush her illusion of you. I wish I would have kept it to myself because I see no benifits of telling her verses being caught. Now she looks at me and is always looking for some suttle changes about me.