Is there balance?

[ReineD]

In my opinion, I do dress fem everyday but some days I dress "less" fem. Meaning jeans not skirt. I felt that was a compromise but I don't feel my wife agree's with that. She's extremely supportive and wants me happy. But like she said "sometimes I miss seeing you dress like a man".

I see your wife's POV. Maybe she just wants to know that you still like being her husband (as opposed to her wife). I remember in the beginning, feeling as if my SO had the chance, he'd dress femme every single opportunity available, which to me meant that if he could, he would reject his guy self in a flash. This isn't what he was thinking, but all I knew was one or the other gender.

This just goes to show that your wife, like me, has NO CLUE how you feel in your gender identity. We're not transgender (your wife and I) and we have absolutely nothing in our internal landscapes that we can use as a benchmark. So when she sees you put on "just one femme thing" all the time (and it doesn't matter if it is jeans, or a skirt, or a cute top, or a pair of earrings), she thinks you are not happy when you are a guy, ever. If this makes sense.

It took awhile for me to learn that my SO is always who he/she is internally, there is no switch to turn off the guy and turn on the girl and vice versa. In other words, he doesn't fit the binary gender paradigm, in the same way as cismen, ciswomen, and TSs. His gender ID is like the ocean with waves lapping onto the shore. Each alternating crest is one of the two genders. The point is, sometimes he feels more one gender than the other, the femme clothes do help him to fully experience the femme feelings since he is a guy through his physical self and social conditioning, but the waves are always there lapping onto the shore, a constant stream of alternating male and female crests.

When I finally understood this, I got to the point where it didn't matter to me what he had on. But until then I needed to understand in my heart that she wasn't on her way to rejecting his guy self and transition (despite his constant assurances that he wasn't). It's a learning process for us GGs too. I'm perfectly OK being in a relationship with someone who experiences dual gender but I can't see myself in a relationship with a woman. My SO also is not prepared to travel that route, and he does strive for balance, so we are well matched. In other words, you wife needs time to rethink the gender constructs we were all taught (either male or female), and you can help her along by showing her through deed and not just words, that you do quite like being her husband too. You asked about balance. Balance means enjoying your femme presentation, but also enjoying your male presentation in a world that becomes anxious faced with androgyny. This would not apply if you are TS, of course, but you did say you do not feel you are a woman.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, but for your own inner happiness, if you want to reach a point where you are not constantly wanting to put on something femme at home, start going out dressed fully femme in the next town over on a regular basis. Do this for two years. If you are like my SO, eventually it will get boring to put on a few femme things just to stay at home. And you won't need to. You'll know who you are despite the clothes. If this makes sense.

[Delila]

Where do you stand on underdressing? I have found that I can balance my dressing with the fact that I only own about 2 pairs of men's underwear. The less visible garments are hardly noticed by my wife though obviously she knows they are there we have come to an understanding long ago that I will not wear men's underwear. I find that wearing panties is somewhere on your scale in the 4-5 region. I have recently shunned dressing for personal reasons but when it comes down to it there is no option for my undergarments. This in my opinion is a small change that can make a world of difference in my personal comfort. You can also wear tights or pantyhose under clothing with little notice it's really about finding the best balance without giving up all of the things that make you feel good.