How Deep Are You HIDING?

[Anne2345]

Until joining this forum, I had spent the entirety of my transgendered life in the closet. Over the past several months, however, I have slowly but surely taken positive, measured steps to expand and open up my closet. In this, I feel compelled to do so by desperation, need, and intense desire. I am 42 years old, and can no longer hide myself in the manner in which I had become accustomed prior to joining this forum.

In this regard, among other things, I have come out to certain friends and family over the past several months. Thankfully, doing so has released a tremendous amount of pressure and a heavy burden that I did not fully recognize and appreciate that I carried at the time. My personal burden was more than I could handle, however, and it was quickly and efficiently destroying me. In so coming out, as I came to recognize, I was basically begging for a life line to be thrown my way. I could no longer keep my head above water, and I was drowning.

But why was this so? Why was it so important that I let others in on my deepest secret?

To date, I have been fortunate - each and every confession has been met with acceptance, compassion, and love. Each confession has been a tremendous cathartic experience unto itself that I simply cannot properly describe with words. The relief I have enjoyed has been palpable, very much appreciated, and needed. I have cried much throughout these confessions, and my pain has been met with love, comfort, and reassurance.

Since coming out, though, I have further discussed my transgendered nature with those I have come out to. Without exception, and without judgment, none saw this coming. The consensus is that they thought I was one hundred and ten percent masculine, to a fault. Apparently, through over compensation, I was quite proficient at hiding Anne.

But make no mistake, these people are people that I have known and loved for many, many years. Yet, these very people, these people that I love, had no true idea of who I really was because of my deception. The thought that I was transgendered was simply inconceivable to them.

How, though, is such deception over the course of a lifetime even possible? How is it possible to maintain such a facade for so long? I was so good at it, in fact, that I even managed to deceive myself. It is no wonder I was so tired, worn out, depressed, and desperate by the time I crumbled and thankfully gave in.

Regardless, the thing is that no one except my wife knew about me. In this, Anne was an unknown person, a secret person, and a complete stranger to all. But Anne is also me and I am her. Without knowing of Anne, without knowing the female within, knowing only the masculine facade, how could any of my close friends and family truly know me? They could not, of course, because they did not.

And this knowledge has been like a slap in the face to me. Except for those I have come out to, my friends do not truly know me. Other than my one sister and my wife, my family does not truly know me. And to those I have come out to, in many ways, it is as if they are meeting me for the first time, after all of these years gone by. After all of this time wasted.

In so coming out to some, however, I have been able to let my hair down to a degree, so to speak, with others. I have softened the contours, and become a more genuine person. I am not out to all, and I do not plan on coming out to all, but I do desire to become more well-rounded, more myself, and I believe, even if I do not know the path I currently travel on, that I am on my way to becoming so.

Circumstances, however, differ among individuals. For some, this is a non-issue, and the closet is an acceptable and appropriate place of residence. For others, they may be out to anyone and everyone that will listen. But to those that have made the decision to remain disguised, how deeply have you hidden your femme identity from those that you know? Does she peek out from time to time? Does she manifest herself in other ways? Does your femme self even constitute a sufficient amount of your identity to warrant disclosure or discussion among friends and family? Do you have any desire to let them in on the secret, assuming it is a secret at all?

[Debglam]

Hey Anne,

I know what you are saying. Do I ever know what you are saying! Coming out, even to the few people I am out to, was like dropping a backpack full of rocks that I had been carrying around my entire life! Everything is sweeter!

Prior to that. . .

[whowhatwhen]

I've stopped putting up a fake masculine front so I get a bit of ribbing whenever I do something or express interesting in something that isn't stereotypically manly.
I haven't told anyone because even I don't know, some things I've said have made my mom ask me if I wanted to change my sex for some reason. I almost wish I had the balls to say "I don't know".

So, it's more of a feminine personality leaking as a masculine one is being less forced.
Other than that no one knows but me and this forum, which in a way sucks because I have no one to talk to who would understand.
A million kudos to those brave enough to be out though!

[Alice B]

I've been exceptionally lucky. When I came out to my wife she accepted it. There were constraints, but they are now gone with time. All my extended family and children were openly accepting and both my daughters in law gve me subtile gifts for Alice. The one that did not know was my grand daughter and now she knows and wants to go out with Alice. The guilt of hiding this part of me was greater than I could ever have imagined, once I had acpeted to myself that this is who I really am. There are still those that I want to tell and other that I could never admit this part of my life to. So, I'm out of the closet, but still in it. I feel like Alice in Wonderland.

[RADER]

My wife knows for sure, and approves; beside the Cat, only my friends here on the forum.
I could never pass, I am just built to big, shoulders, hands, arms, size 14WWW shoes,
Just to big, so I stay in the closet. My wife says she is OK with that, But she will let me under dress
as much as I can, as long as I do not embarrass her.
Case in point, I was dressed up on Monday, and I had to go and get the mail in from the mail box.
I jump into the truck, back down the driveway, pull by the mail box, get the mail and return.
I come into the living room, and she asks me "You didn't go out like that, I said, no, I took the truck.
She laugh for an hour over that one, said that I was resourceful. Well where there is a will, there is a way.
Rader

[sandra-leigh]

My mother has been the only one to express any surprise, at least verbally. At most one person has appeared surprised to see me in a skirt or dress. So whether people "knew" or not, apparently it is well within peoples' conception of what I might do.

I never was into punk or goth or anything like that that might have "primed" people to expect random fashions from me. I was, however, certainly not known for wearing Suits or Jackets, creased dress pants, or the like. Hand-painted T-shirts, sweat-shirts with nature themes... a variety. And if some of them weren't traditional hetro male colors, I didn't worry about that.

My first student work terms were with a "management consulting firm", with me working on-site most of the time. I tried to drift away from suits, only to be told that they were required That was the last job I ever wore suits at... 30 years ago.

[Miriam-J]

Thanks for sharing so thoughtfully, Anne, and for provoking my own thoughts and feelings. I'm so glad that you have been able to discover yourself so well in the eyes of others with whom you've now shared.

In recent years I've softened in many ways, losing the intensity and judgment of younger days. If this were just aging I would expect to see the same softening in so many of my peers. But instead I see so many of them hardening in their prejudices, seemingly convinced that beliefs held for 50+ years couldn't possibly be wrong. So, perhaps it is indeed the softer, fem side of me that has been allowed so much of a role in the 3 1/2 years since I met my current wife. I do wonder how much further these attitudes would go if I were to open to more family and friends, and think it would certainly be worth opening up more. Your words inspire me further in this direction, so thank you again.

Miriam

[rachaelsloane]

Anne,
I love your posts as they truly make me delve deeper into my femme side which has been greatly expanded over the past year. The only person I feel really comfortable telling would be my daughter as we are very close and it sometimes pains me not letting her know.
Always,
Rachael

[Jacqueline Winona]

Anne, you're one of the deepest thinkers I've ever encountered- truly thoughtful, and I'm happy to hear that you're taking the weight of the world off of your shoulders.

I'm certainly peeking out of the closet, but i haven't let anyone outside of my family look in. It's just not something that comes up, but I do have several friends who wouldn't care. They've seen me dressed for Walk a Mile, seen me in heels, but only when it's socially acceptable to them. I played the I don't really care role pretty convincingly, as nobody has ever treated me any differently after I was done. It hasn't been all that hard for me to hide Janice and recently I have let some see bits of her, so it is easier now for me. I wouldn't have a problem letting some people that I have known for years in on my "secret," but the issues it might create with others is just not worth it.

[Barbara Ella]

Being so new, I am buried so deep i could be a geothermal heating unit for the house. Out to my wife, who is supportive, but no one else. At one time wife insisted we tell the daughters, next day she reversed course, thankfully. With time I am sure I will get nearer the surface, just got to hang on that long.

Babes

[Frédérique]

Why was it so important that I let others in on my deepest secret?

[SIZE="2"]If you’re like me, you feel that crossdressing is, at least, interesting in its apart-ness. Also, you feel that some people (let’s call them females) might appreciate such secretive undertakings. Ha! However, it is VERY difficult to find individuals who dream, who are in touch with themselves, or see the world as a magical playground – I guess that’s why you’re HERE…[/SIZE]

How is it possible to maintain such a facade for so long?

[SIZE="2"]The façade is for purposes of self-protection, pure and simple… [/SIZE]

But to those that have made the decision to remain disguised, how deeply have you hidden your femme identity from those that you know? Does she peek out from time to time? Does she manifest herself in other ways? Does your femme self even constitute a sufficient amount of your identity to warrant disclosure or discussion among friends and family?

[SIZE="2"]Oh, “she” peeks out, according to who or what she is about to encounter. Any disclosure I have made is based on my relationship to a person, usually a female, who I feel may welcome such a disclosure – so far, I’m batting about .333 in the disclosure arena. I hide my female identity (if there is such a thing) from any and all males, but, since I affect an effeminate stance, they are free to make assessments based on how I appear, or how I am, or how I’m NOT like them… [/SIZE]

[Kirsty_D]

Anne, I'm exactly the same position as you only a month or two away from where you are now. I've come out to a few friends this week and they have been fine about it. The weight that has been lifted from me is amazing and last night was the first full nights sleep I've had in a longtime. I feel great now and fully focused on the future. Keep posting your story as you move down the road… I'd love to hear more about your experiences.

[elizabethamy]

What a wonderful and thought provoking post, Anne. I'm way behind you -- only out to my wife, who's really suffering over it though she wants me to be happy. The changes in me aside from when I dress in secret are tiny yet profound. I've stopped trying to consciously be manly, which, though I didn't think about it much, I have sort of forced myself to do all my life. The way I carry my books and cross my legs, the hand gestures, occasional compliments on a pair of boots or a sweater that I would have consciously not said for fear of lack of manliness...these are all the changes I have made, or rather, I have simply allowed them to happen and thus at least in part have dropped some of the facade without actually coming out. It feels wonderful to let these small changes happen, which is part of the process of discovering all the hundreds of ways we have built the wall behind which we hide...

[Foxglove]

Anne, for me you've touched on the big question, the real question here: what exactly is it to be TG? Quite frankly, I don't know. I've never found out. You say that other people don't know you. No surprise. My guess is that most of us here don't know ourselves.

All my life I've lived in a certain way, tried to be a certain person. But suppose that from my childhood I could have been what I really was. Who would I have been? What would my life have been like? I have no idea. For me this is the real problem with being TG: you're forced to be fictitious.

I don't know how many people have to hide like we do. For most people, if you're female, you can be female. If you're male, you can be male. If you're black, you can be black, express yourself and your culture. If you're Latino, you can be Latino, etc. This isn't to say that you'll necessarily be liked or appreciated. There are bigots of every stripe everywhere.

I've sometimes wondered about ethnic minorities who live in places where ethnic minorities aren't liked at all. They don't hide because they can't. If there were some way for them "to be in the closet", is that where they'd be? Perhaps. Is it worse to be deeply in the closet, or to be out and hated and despised? Not much of a choice, is it?

But this is why we TG's are under so much pressure. And it doesn't get any easier as the years go by. This is, I think, the main reason to come out--at least to people that you know and like and trust--so that in a corner of your life at least, you can relax and try to find out who you are. You can just be yourself without any fear or guilt or shame. All the pressure's off. I wonder what that's like.

And what does being in the closet do to you long-term? I've always had a quick, hot temper. Could that be the result of some deep frustration and resentment I've always felt within? Who knows? But now that you're coming out, you have a chance to discover the real you. If I could find the real me, I wonder what I'd think of me.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[kimdl93]

And what does being in the closet do to you long-term? I've always had a quick, hot temper. Could that be the result of some deep frustration and resentment I've always felt within? Who knows? But now that you're coming out, you have a chance to discover the real you. If I could find the real me, I wonder what I'd think of me.

Best wishes, Annabelle

I would guess that most of us have buried this part of themselves for the majority of thier lives. Annabelle's comment above reflects something I suspect some of us also may share - a deep seated anger borne out of the early life expereinces of feeling forced to hide, to deny or to suffer the indignities of teasing and bullying. I felt that anger and it expressed itself as flashes of temper well into adulthood. Coming to grips with who I am has helped me break the habit of reacting with anger. (its not totally resolved, but improved).

To Anne's question, I'm still hidden to those that I work with through various professional relationships. I doubt that will change. And even though I was outed by my ex-wife to most family and friends, I don't make a point of being in their face about it. I'm grateful that I haven't lost anyone as a result. So, I live my life witthin certain limitations, but largely on my own terms.

[Laura912]

With the exception of my wife, so deep in that ocean that the fish generate their own light. Noticed that at least two responders have felt that their anger was related to the frustration and I would agree with that. However, many of the traits one would attribute to the feminine served me well in my career.
Laura

[TGMarla]

I don't know if I'd refer to nondisclosure as "deception". There are things in everyone's lives that people prefer to keep to themselves - personal things that aren't necessarily anyone else's business. My very best friends in the world have no idea at this time that I like to crossdress, and I prefer to keep it that way. And it's not a case of "they don't know the real me", either. They do know me very well; I just don't share this part of me with them. So am I hiding it? I suppose I am. But I prefer to not share this with them. It adds no burden to me to to keep this to myself, and I'd find no "relief" by disclosing it to them. These are my personal moments, and I choose not to share them with my familiars.

[STACY B]

Croossdressing is the same as being naked ?? WHAT !! OHHHH ,,, YEA ,,,, Ya wife sees ya ,, Sometimes ya kidds get just a glimpe ,,, Being there in the house ,, Maybe close friend or someone that comes over alot ,, Maybe some other place ,, Doctors office, Gym,, But for the most part all folks dont -wont see unless your out fully ,,,, A.K.A. A streaker ,, So your a tiptoe girl or a streaker ,,, Not a sneaker a STREAKER ,,,,,,,, So if ya dont want anyone to know just be a sneaker ,,,,,,,,,, Buttttt if ya want EVERYONE to know be streaker ,, Ya see ,

[Kate Simmons]

Anne, Once we control the process rather than vice versa, all kind of opportunities open up.

[Ally 2112]

Not nearly as deep as i used to .The last 4 years or so i have become braver i have been forming my eyebrows shaving my whole body and my hair is pretty much cut in a girls style .The last month i have also kept my toenails painted .Most of this i can hide but for me it is a transition that help keep me more balenced inside and out

[Karren H]

I have no burning desire to tell anyone. I could care less if they know... But my wife does. So her burning desire to not tell anyone trumps my apathy.

[danielle3]

I don't know who knows what. I have never had any indication from anyone I know that there is any suspicion of my other self. My wife knows but wishes she didn't. I have never met anyone I have been suspicious about either.
It's not like there aren't clues if you sit down and think about it. I have had my hair no shorter than 2" for at least 20 years. Due to the size of my feet, even though my shoes look ordinary, they are all purchased in women's sizes. Mostly all of my pants and jeans are also women's sizes. I have the most brittle nails imaginable so I use a clear nail strengthener in order to have any nails at all. My watch is androgenous but is a ladies size.
I have never used any kind of make-up or done anything to my face or eyebrows.
Really I don't know how to answer the OP. I'm guess I'm definitely hiding in plain sight, and it is working.

[LeaP]

Hiding - coping - hiding - coping. Or irrelevant?

It comes down to this:

Your dressing or identity is irrelevant where you don't have a personal need to be or express yourself. Neither hiding nor coping apply.

Coping and hiding apply where there is such need and it can't be accommodated. (Personal need in this case may be presumed to include such things as SO considerations.) Hiding is just a special case of coping, the difference being that it's deceit by definition.

Pain comes from need. This, in turn, is the lever on which others push to induce guilt by intimating that addressing need is selfish. That's easy to do in western culture, where religion-based morals stress sacrifice, and with males because they are *always* expected to self-sacrifice. There may even be a sexist twist. A common word used to denigrate certain female behavior is to label a woman "needy." Men are rarely labeled that way.

If, then, a male addresses need, is the accusation of selfishness then the equivalent of a feminine slur against his masculinity? This is subtle but I think particularly applicable to the accusation when it comes to dressing and other feminine identity needs. These are trivialized as "just" clothes and externalities, emotional fluff, performance and emulation, and so on.
The worst thing, after all, is for a male to become feminine. Don't believe it? Go read the GG posts. Sometimes they would rather you die, have an affair, or even be a criminal.

Male Need = Selfish = Less Than Masculine = Feminine

Sexist.

Second point: Our commitment to hiding, and therefore our pain, is correlated to how much we are invested in cultural norms. There's no one to blame but yourself in a free society. Not having courage, feeling social pressure, and even risk don't change this. If you wish to be, you *must* own the responsibility for acting.

In the end I'm hiding from myself.

Lea

[elizabethamy]

You are fierce, Lea. Fierce but absolutely right. We hide from ourselves most of all.

I suppose we could debate how "free" the society is. In the arts, where I live, there is absolute freedom to create whatever you want, but you can't get it produced, shown, published, whatever if it's offensive to those who pay the bills. And even if you do, hardly anyone cares. Whereas in less "free" societies, what you do has an enormous impact and people pay attention.

How this applies to our "freedom" to throw our lives away and follow our bliss in a society that is likely to fire (or not hire) us, to discriminate against us in a variety of overt and covert ways, is something I'll have to think more about.

But Lea is right: you can't be free if you are hiding from yourself.

[minalost]

I have no burning desire to tell anyone. I could care less if they know... But my wife does. So her burning desire to not tell anyone trumps my apathy.

I can't say I'm as apathetic about others knowing as you Karren, but my main reason for not being more "out" is also my wife.