I joined this forum one year ago. When I did so, I was wide-eyed, innocent, and naïve. I had no idea what to expect from the forum, and I had no idea what to expect from myself. I thought I was but a mere, simple, happy go lucky crossdresser.
More than 110 original threads later (sorry for putting y'all through that), some intensive introspection, and with many therapy sessions now under my belt, I realize now just how out of touch with myself I actually was. In fact, reading some of my earlier posts, I actually cringe now. Was I really that way? Was I really that person? Was I really that blind?
Even though it has only been a year, it has been a year of complete turbulence, evolution, and discovery. I have change radically from the person I thought I was. In this, I do not even recognize the person I was a year ago. The person I was was in serious denial. The person I was had suppression down to an absolute art form.
The irony is that I knew myself better when I was a teenager and in my early twenties than I did for the next two decades that followed. Back then, I knew I wanted to be a woman. I dreamt of it. I planned for it. I wanted it more than anything. And it scared the hell out of me. I ran from it, and I ran from myself for the next two decades.
But alas, since joining the forum, I have torn down the mental walls and barriers, pushed through the denial and suppression, and attempted to rediscover the essence of who and what I truly am. In this, I have much to thank the forum for, and its members. But for joining, but for participating, but for proactively seeking out my true self, I would not have the understanding of self that I currently do. Clearly, in so joining the forum, I was at a crossroads, even if I did not recognize it at the time.
One year ago, though, in the grand scheme of things, is not so long ago. Yet, for me, it seemingly was a lifetime ago. That person, the person that I was, is now dead, never to return. That person was unsophisticated, and had no conception of reality or self. Regardless of the pain, of the uncertainty, of the confusion, and of the fear, I much prefer to have finally evolved into a genuine person, than remain the false shell of a being that had no true understanding or conception of my own inner being. That person was a victim of deep suppression and massive denial. The person I am now may have decisions to make, fear to overcome, but at least has the ability to do so with knowing, seeing eyes.
Hopefully, the next year will be a better, easier year. Although I have come far on my journey of late, I still have yet to discover the path I am meant to take. At least I now know that I have left the false path behind, and am in search of the path that is right for me. Regardless, although change has not been easy, it has been necessary. Without it, I would still be naught but a lost soul.
Last, I just want to take an opportunity to express how much I appreciate and love you all for being there. This forum is a fantastic, wonderful place composed of many wonderful, caring, and genuinely decent members. Opportunities for growth, learning, fun, and friendship abound. I have benefited much from my stay here, and I hope that I have contributed at least some small amount to the forum in return. Thanks for being so amazing!
But now on to the questions (you knew they were coming). Has the past year been active for you? Has it been life changing or eye-opening? How much have you changed over the past year? Have you changed at all? Would you even recognize yourself from a year ago, or are you pretty much the same person?
Originally Posted by Anna Lorree
[/SIZE]
