Surrender is essential

[Frédérique]

[SIZE="2"]"I looked back and glimpsed the outline of a boy
His life of sorrows now collapsing into joy..."
(from "I Surrender" by David Sylvian)

I came across the title for this “essay” quite by accident, tucked into a delicate pamphlet like a quiet whisper. I nodded in acknowledgement, for I know all about surrender...

I’d like to talk about this concept of surrender, and why it’s such a beautiful thing, at least in regards to crossdressing and the feelings that surrender may release. This is not about surrender in military terms, where you may be surrounded, running out of ammunition and food, at your wit’s end, and seeking help for the wounded that are suffering in appalling circumstances. In that case, surrender may be a last resort, or a foregone conclusion...

Nor is this about the kind of “surrender” that may take place in a marriage, where the husband surrenders to the wife, and the wife (theoretically) surrenders to the husband. Also, I’m not talking about surrender in a religious context, whereby one would surrender to Divine Will – the song lyrics quoted above relate to both concepts outlined in this paragraph, but I digress...

This is about being a male, or a boy, willingly surrendering gender expectation or a sense of male “self” in favor of a more incorporated persona, all because he tried on some VERY different clothing one day. I think in many of us who become MtF crossdressers, there is an internal conflict going on, whereby we’re trying to justify the need to dress with the need to be MALE. Personally, I don’t subscribe to this idea of a “woman within,” or “my other self,” preferring to see the truth of a whole being, regardless of what I choose to wear...

To reach this blessed state of incorporation, surrender is essential. Surrender literally means to yield or resign oneself to any influence, passion, or power. It can also mean to return, or restore. I believe the genders are not very far apart, but, throughout life, everyone does their level best to pry them apart and keep them separated – this strange, exhausting reality is reinforced daily in the media, and boys are expected to be boys, charged with a mission to obscure their own innate sensibilities. The further you go, the more difficult it is to “return” to the original truth...

“Stand and deliver” is an interesting phrase to contemplate at this point, because surrender also means to deliver – to transfer, to free, to release, or to set at liberty. When we dress in the wrong clothes, are we not surrendering to ourselves and releasing the “self” that has been torn asunder? Think of it in a masculine context, if you will, and “rescue” the girl that you have turned your back on, to put yourself back in HER (i.e. your) possession. Deliver means to pass from one to another, much like the prefix “trans-” we are all so familiar with. When you put on your pretty frock and stand before the mirror (into your soul, in this case), you have begun the process of surrender...

Of course, it may be difficult for some males to abandon their masculinity, but the clothing you have chosen to wear is evidence that you wish to return to your original incorporated state. Why not just surrender, and get it over with? Live to NOT fight another day, in this case, and enjoy the difference you had forgotten about. I should mention that I identify as a male, and I harbor no pretensions of ever “becoming” a female, so I believe in this condition (for lack of a better word) where boy and girl are the same being. I visualize myself as the two genders locked in an endless embrace, passionate at times, and neither one wishes to break the spell. It feels GOOD...

I think a lot of people have problems with MtF crossdressers because of this “surrender” aspect. I mean, it’s not manly to give yourself up, so they say, unless you are aware of this need to be together and not apart from your own precious reality. I surrender daily, and SHE becomes more visible, even though it’s just me in different clothing, clothing that is more appropriate to the situation at hand. In this case I yield in favor of another, the true “self” that I was born with – how did we ever get this far apart? "We" used to be so close together, but the world insists that we pick a gender and get on with it – getting back to square one involves surrender, or a tacit acknowledgement that all has not been well. Comfort sounds a lot better than discomfort, so I surrender to the inevitable...

So, I’m not waving a white flag, but I may wear a pretty white dress and indicate that I have most definitely surrendered. I give up, in fact I gave up a long time ago. I’m not interested in bolstering my maleness to please everyone and put them at ease, any more than I can force a square peg into a round hole with brute force and gain satisfaction from the act. Better to give up and enjoy life, yield to the passions within, bring them to the surface, and adorn myself with all the trappings of an incorporated self. I resign – thanks for a very enjoyable game, but being 100% boy was not my cup of tea. I’ve gone back home where I belong, and I’m truly happy...

How beautiful is this act of surrender? Have you surrendered to your “self”?

PS – even though I go by the name Frédérique (or Freddy) for convenience, I don’t have a separate, female persona. We are together, hand in hand, endlessly surrendering... [/SIZE]

[LeaP]

There's currently a cease-fire in place while the treaty is being negotiated. The terms of the cease-fire are regularly abrogated. The goals of the treaty are uncertain and may not bring peace. The timeline is not set.

As with so many conflicts, this one was brought on by assumptions and expectations that were never well-understood to begin with and, when inadventently undermined, triggered an insurrection. At confict's end and when a treaty is signed, there will be only one army and one set of uniforms. It's hard to predict which.

Surrender in any voluntary sense that you are using it doesn't seem so apt as does capitulation in the face of hopeless odds and a dawning sense of certainty about the facts of the situation.

[edit] Seriously, in response to the question, there is something undamaged within that is more a wonder than beautiful. To allow it to live would not be a blending with what I am, it would be the end of what I am in many respects. That doesn't feel like the giving, or sweet type of surrender you've described.

Lea

[Miriam-J]

[SIZE=2]As always Frédérique, you've beautifully expressed thoughts and emotions that are very close to me as I consider my place in the guy-gal spectrum. I learned a wonderful lesson a few years ago that I must accept my reality and make the best of it, carefully distinguishing between what I can change and what I can't. I cannot and do not want to force myself to one end of the spectrum, and both sides are too much a part of me to remove. Instead, I must focus on channeling, expressing, and balancing. For this, surrender is a very apt term that I will remember. Thank you.

Miriam
[/SIZE]

[Marleena]

Thanks for the post Freddy!

I started a thread similar to this but the wording threw some people off as if it was a case of split personality. Yes I am still in the process of surrending. I have not achieved a balance yet though. The female personna is not satisfied yet with the state of surrender.

[TGMarla]

I visualize myself as the two genders locked in an endless embrace, passionate at times, and neither one wishes to break the spell. It feels GOOD...

This is the blessing one receives when one learns the art of compromise and acceptance of self, rather than the daily gender war that so many of us talk about with each other. I run in guy-mode every day for the benefit of my clients. This demand of me to choose the other gender, my birth gender, as presentation. When all is done, and my obligations as him are met, I enjoy the sweet surrender of a few hours as the lady of the house.

There's a part of me that likes to manifest itself as female. She ain't going away, or she'd have done so years ago. Can't really fight every day, so it's best if both sides surrender, and agree that they're both going to live here. Once that happens, everything gets a whole lot easier.

Maybe surrender really is the best way for those of us with dual-gender syndrome.

[Ineke Vashon]

It does not seem so much like a surrender. It appears to be more of an acceptance. Acceptance of a growing fountain of new, previously unknown, knowledge. Awareness. Like suddenly comprehending French for the first time.

Ineke

[NathalieX66]

I think The term surrender implies giving something up. Frédérique, what exactly are you sacrificing?
I like what Marla and Ineke said about acceptance. I think the issue is more about self acceptance.

And FYI, Frédérique, if you ever find yourself outside of Kansas, beware if you ever see this....always travel with red sequin shoes.

[MissMarcie]

High femme drama. Frédérique never disappoints.

[AlanaG]

Thanks for the post Freddy!

I started a thread similar to this but the wording threw some people off as if it was a case of split personality. Yes I am still in the process of surrending. I have not achieved a balance yet though. The female personna is not satisfied yet with the state of surrender.

Marleena, I'd like to read that thread. Can you provide a link?

Frédérique, I do understand where you're coming from and appreciate your skill at writing about it.

[Marleena]

Marleena, I'd like to read that thread. Can you provide a link?

Frédérique, I do understand where you're coming from and appreciate your skill at writing about it.

Here you go Alana: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...quot-in-charge

[KellyJameson]

It must be difficult to be a man, I think often of this. In nature I watch the price the males pay and I see many parallels for men. Nature is at war with the male of all species, he is disposable. Millions of sperm and only one egg, nature has made the male redundant through the shear numbers of sperm he creates.

I stand outside of both sexes, I do not want to be either and I suspect this is because I do not want to be one of natures victims. I look like a girl or I look like a boy but I'm something else. I do not want to accept natures limitations, I am spirit encased in animal flesh, the pleasures of the flesh are enjoyable but I'm a creature of the mind, I have gone back to the beginning and like a new born I live fully in the moment.

My body is not me, it is so much clay that I form into whatever mold amuses me at any given moment. Usually in the form of female because this matches my spirit so my spirit is than inclined to accept taking up residence in this animal flesh whose limitations frustrate me.

I would surrender but there is nothing to surrender, I am vapor and my body an illusion. I delight in beauty in all it's forms but I have moved beyond wants and now I just am, I live to learn.

I think the appearance of cowardice is the males curse, this is what they are running from, cowardice invites attack. Perhaps surrender to fear is the first step toward becoming fully human. Fear is half of life born from the animal and love the other half, born from the spirit. To find love you must move through fear because love is on the otherside. We leave the physical world behind and become pure spirit, we live within our finite animal bodies but yet are removed from them, this is true surrender. We walk the edge of the razor balanced between being in the world and yet not attached to it. We love without attachment, we are able to let go without pain.

[taís]

This is about being a male willingly surrendering gender expectation or a sense of male “self” in favor of a more incorporated persona

not sure if I'd say willingly, but I feel like I surrendered there. I never wanted to be a stereotypical male, but I once thought the guy side would be prevalent with time. when this failed I tried to give the male self a push, see if things would fit somehow. and eventually I gave up. wanting the easy route was making my life too hard. I'm not sure if my persona is incorporated already, or in the right way, or in balance, or how much self-acceptance... but when I start to spin out of control question my identity too much I read the sign I have hanging in the left side of my brain... a Z. Bauman quote that says "Asking 'who you are' makes sense to you only once you believe that you can be someone other than who you are."

and it comforts me. [SIZE="1"](and the comfort makes me smile — because it shows I still love and respect myself, or at least didn't lost track of me in the questioning road. just gotta keep tweaking.)[/SIZE]

[Misti]

[SIZE="2"] How beautiful is this act of surrender? Have you surrendered to your “self”?

PS – even though I go by the name Frédérique (or Freddy) for convenience, I don’t have a separate, female persona. We are together, hand in hand, endlessly surrendering... [/SIZE]

As always, Frederique, your "still waters run very deep." This is yet another of your very well thought out, thought provoking, exceptionally well written treatises on life, as well as, a CD. I will have to spend considerable time and effort digesting what you are proposing herein to come to a satisfactory conclusion as to what I am supposed to do now that is different because of it; if anything at all, other than what I am currently doing, to wit, just being and finding out about the new "Me?"

I don't expect "anyone to understand this," but just this very morning I found the perfect personification of the "Yin-Yang of Misti" (an exceptionally long story for another time, perhaps). I think there was a large measure of "surrender" on both sides (as you describe it) in the discovery process, but I'm not altogether sure? In this case, it is definitely not a problem. For the very first time in a very, very long time; I awoke without any pain “anywhere in my perpetually pain-wracked body.” I just laid there and went with the flow of the extended moment. Completely unfettered by time and/or consequence, I basked in the sheer luxury, the "heaven," of being both perfectly matched, ideally compatible, and incredibly in love with both the "male and female of Misti!" At that identical moment in time, I not only ideally "felt" (i.e., male), but simultaneously "Received" (i.e., female) the feelings and sensations of the perfect exchange of total love between those perfect mates. An incredible, unimaginable experience, which caught me totally off guard, to say the least, which is why it undoubtedly happened the way it did, I can well imagine and hypothesize? Anyway, I now have two (2) "Things" to ponder over tonight: your "Post" and my "Post-Sensational, Excitingly, Yin-Yang Experience" upon waking this morning?

Sleep tight, everyone, may you, too, experience the grandeur, love and exhilaration of your own "Yin-Yang! It's what I think Frederique may be saying here? And, I found “it” this morning!

Yes!

[diannecourtney]

I always thought that I had surrendered to the female mistique and I could never had explained why? Dear Freddy you have explained it so well, you are THE most articulate on our situation and girl I do love you for it.

[Veronica27]

Being raised as a boy, I was instilled with all the societal expectations of manhood. For the most part I enjoy that way of life, but my adventurous spirit has always craved many of those life experiences that were denied to me for one reason or another. Lack of time, insufficient financial resources, responsibilities etc. are a few of those factors that may limit our abilitiy to experience everything that life has to offer. In addition to these factors that have an impact on most aspects of our lives, being male means that we are faced with an additional limitation to the enjoyment of certain specific experiences of life - inhibition. This is bred into every male child, to a much greater degree than it is to female children. Being female means that every woman is entitled to experience various sensations, created solely by our society, that are strictly forebidden to men by this training called inhibition. At one time, males were allowed certain privileges that were forebidden to women, but that is no longer the case to any appreciable degree.

I look at the freedom to crossdress and explore all these sensations, not so much as surrendering to something, but more like conquering something. Perhaps it is my male upbringing coming into play, but overcoming the societal taboo for me has been a process of learning how to conquer my male inhibitions. Perhaps in a strange twist of irony, conquering and surrendering are really the same thing.

Great topic and thread.

Veronica

[Debutante]

I have felt this surrender of the masculine to receive in the feminine. It can be very upseting to those of us who have
learnt masculine ways. Crossing borders into the other's territory is fearful.... yet it is beautiful once it is done.
Then, one can lose one's fear, and accept and receive in the beauty of feminine being.
But it takes surrender first........

[LilSissyStevie]

It's not difficult to surrender something you never had much of in the first place. I remember an incident at the bus stop in the first grade where one of the older boys from down the street was lighting matches and dropping them down my pants. I told him to stop and he beat me up. I surrendered. My older sister, who was smaller than me, punched the thug in the face and made him stop. My emasculation was complete. It wasn't beautiful.

[Michaella]

Hello Frederique,

You are so thoughtful and so articulate! I wish I could respond properly to everything you write.

Alas, where you are positive in your outlook and can make surrender a goal to long for, I tend to be negative, and think in terms of giving up. It is a term you used, but for me it is a sign of failure. I can't fight the fact that I am feminine while being male, and have given up trying to do so, but still cannot embrace it.

I wish it were otherwise.

Michaella