Oh No, it's a trap!

[Aloha Jayne]

[SIZE=2]Ok, I really want to come out to my wife, and probably will this week or next. It’s time I shared with her who I really am. But I think it’s a trap. After 23 years of marriage I know how she will react to this, I can almost answer her questions before she asks them. She is not going to like it and, she shouldn’t have to like it. She will belittle this and tell me it’s all in my head, and I’m just being crazy and stupid. And yes, I know how to handle all of those objections. But in a way she is right. Jayne is very real, has been with me most of my life and is not going away. But, for now anyway, she only exists in my head. So this is a true statement: She is real….but she doesn’t exist. Now, I can put on clothes and dance around and go to parties and be who I feel like. But it’s still just the drab me doing crazy things. I can try to act like her and look like her. But it is only a personification of her. And as hard as I wish, hope and pray, will never be the real her.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=2]But what if this is just a trap. What if she is intentionally trying to break up my marriage. Jayne would love nothing more than to have me all to herself. To be just her whenever she wants, with no boundaries and no limits. What if she is just telling me that coming out to my wife is what’s best and something I have to do. Our marriage has been a good one. I love my wife and she is my reason for living. And as tempting as it is sometimes to entertain thoughts of being on my own, my life would be pathetic without her. And isn’t it always the mistress that says, “you have to tell her, you can’t keep secrets, she needs to know and you’re living a lie.” And then what? My marriage becomes strained. She loses her trust in me. She worries about what I’m up to any time we’re not together. I actually lose what little freedom I once had. And at best, I begin to wish that I could just go back to a time before I came out and put the genie back in the bottle. And isn’t it always the mistress that becomes the biggest loser in these situations and ends up crushed and all alone?[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=2]Sorry, this is beginning to sound like an episode of Sex in the City.[/SIZE]

[Marie-Elise]

I think you have to understand your priorities first. Do you want to live full time as Jayne?

Also, everything you say above is pretty back and white (are you an engineer?). Consider compromise. Life is full of shades of gray.

[Karren H]

7 year after the reveal day.... I still working to regain the trust lost that day. I know I will never get it all back.... It's a trap and everyone you tell will be snared in it...

[sissystephanie]

You have been married, and been a crossdresser, for 23 years and you haven't told your wife yet?? This is not a trap, this is a man with a very unstable mind!! Sorry if that offends you, but it is how I feel about your problem. I have been a CD for over 60 years, and was married for almost 50 of those years. But I told my late wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her and she accepted me "as is!"

Who runs your life, you as a man or the figment of your imagination you call Jayne? Sounds like you have let Jayne take over your life almost completely. If you really love your wife you won't let that condition continue!!

[Kittykitty]

OR, it could be the thing that saves your marriage and your soul.

[KarenCDFL]

You have been married, and been a crossdresser, for 23 years and you haven't told your wife yet?? This is not a trap, this is a man with a very unstable mind!! Sorry if that offends you, but it is how I feel about your problem. I have been a CD for over 60 years, and was married for almost 50 of those years. But I told my late wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her and she accepted me "as is!"

Who runs your life, you as a man or the figment of your imagination you call Jayne? Sounds like you have let Jayne take over your life almost completely. If you really love your wife you won't let that condition continue!!

Steph, I think you need to back off.

I, like you told my wife well before we even discussed anything about getting married.

But even then it was extremely difficult. I can understand why Jayne has kept putting this off.

Its really easy to put the female side of your personality back deep in the closet in the beginning but as the years go past you come to realize that it is a time bomb getting ready to go off.

I could not live my life if I had to keep Karen a secret from my wife. Not all of us had the forethought or opportunity to be that open 20. 30, or even 60 years ago especially since it was a taboo subjet.

Things are so different now with the people in their teens and 20's that it is much easier to express your feeling to your partner and not feel like your life was going to come to an end if you did.

You really have to show some compassion for the people who have not had the opportunity to express themselves for years on end and think about the "What If" that was you.

[STACY B]

TELL HER !! She aint going no where . An I will bet ya she already knows !!!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Jayne what do you want to tell her? Who are you?
Make sure you are certain of how you want to describe these things.

Telling her you crossdress is different than telling her you "are" someone else...see what i'm saying? it may sound irrelevant to some, but its not to the person hearing this...

There is no magic to it...you have a long time secret, its something that matters...this happens in relationships... look at it like any other thing if you can..
if you don't tell her, there are real risks ..if you do tell her there are risks...the die is long cast..

You can't predict the future, but you can assume no one is happy to find out secrets, especially if they are controversial ...and you can assume that once you discuss this, the next secret is likely the last...

the feeling that you WANT to tell her is pretty compelling and it won't go away
....if you don't tell her, your ACTIONS will put you more and more at risk, and you are likely going to start taking more risks, knowing you may get caught...this happens all the time..

[docrobbysherry]

Jayne, u seem to have tried to imagine ALL the possible eventualities in your situation. Unfortunately, it's OFTEN the ones u HAVEN'T IMAGINED that come back and bite u in the behind!

Since u know your wife and yourself better than anyone else here, I don't think our advice will be of much help.

Maybe others who have gone thru the experience of telling and living with the results of that decision, like Karren, mite be the MOST help to u!?

Sherry is clearly an illusionary character in my life. However, that DOESN'T MEAN she hasn't become a huge part of my life! Any SO would have to know and accept that. As difficult, maybe impossible, as that may seem!

[Debra Russell]

You don't really know what reaction she will have - try a little at a time to ease into letting Jayne into her life - it's hard but maybe a little will be more acceptable, like show her you like fem clothes or.........whatever...........................Debr a

[larry]

Sounds more like an episode of "NO-Sex in the City" to me. Tread carefully and give lots of thought to what you really want and expect.

[Elizabeth Ann]

Jayne,

My circumstances were very different, as I did not start cross dressing seriously until I had already been married 30 years, but I would urge you to think carefully about this, and to not assume that there are any hard and fast rules. My wife and I have a great marriage, but we recognized from the beginning that we are two individuals with our own thoughts, desires, dreams and disappointments. Our marriage is the bedrock upon which we both stand, but we also respect each other as individuals with our own lives.

How many of us know everything about our spouse, or even feel we have the right to? I don't lie to her, but I don't feel that I have to share every aspect of my life that does not involve her. She does know of my cross dressing, and occasionally she will ask a question. But she has enough respect for me not to interfere with a part of my life that we both acknowledge is neither immoral nor illegal, and in which she has no interest.

I suppose that this sounds like a rationalization for secrecy, but it really isn't. It's an argument for respect. I have mentioned before on this forum that our marriage ceremony included a poem from Kahlil Gibran on marriage, which said in part:

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

There are times still when I lie in the dark, spooned up against her in the bed, wondering just who this woman is. I can't imagine it any other way.

Liz

[Kate Simmons]

The bottom line is that the CDing tends to take on a mind of it's own if we allow it to. This is where the so-called "pink fog" comes in. To truly be one's self one needs to take responsibility for their own decisions and actions and accept the eventual outcomes whether positive or negative. We are here to learn after all.

[Laura912]

There is some good and not so good advice here. I told my wife of 45.5 years of marriage after 35 years of being married more consistent with the thoughts of KarenCDFL. It is a quiet issue and one she accepts and sometimes teases me about in a loving way. No one can tell you how your wife will react. Take a look at your last paragraph. Have you wondered why you are setting things up to fail and already placing the blame on Jayne? And even if you are an engineer we have your back. Some of my best friends are engineers.

[Kathy Smith]

Jayne, if you have a happy, stable marriage then the chances are that you'll have no trouble with her acceptance when you tell her. OTOH, if you are always at each others throats (metaphorically speaking of course!) then telling her is almost like handing her a loaded gun after painting a target on your chest.

If you do tell her then remember that she will need all your support, as her MALE partner, for a while. It may be difficult for you to tell her, but it's also a very big thing to ask her to accept your crossdressing. There are a lot of sites on the web with useful info to give her and you can always point her to this forum. Be ready with all the info you can reasonably get before you tell her.

Steph, we don't always have the luxury of realizing that we are crossdressers for life at the time we start a relationship. It doesn't work that way in a lot of cases. The best we can manage is to tell our girlfriend/spouse as soon as we realize that this thing is a part of us that isn't going to go away.

[Marie-Elise]

You have been married, and been a crossdresser, for 23 years and you haven't told your wife yet?? This is not a trap, this is a man with a very unstable mind!! Sorry if that offends you, but it is how I feel about your problem. I have been a CD for over 60 years, and was married for almost 50 of those years. But I told my late wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her and she accepted me "as is!"

Who runs your life, you as a man or the figment of your imagination you call Jayne? Sounds like you have let Jayne take over your life almost completely. If you really love your wife you won't let that condition continue!!

I need a "Like" button for this post.

[kimdl93]

All I can add to the varied comments above, is that there are risks if you tell her and there are also risks - pretty much the same ones - if you don't; becasue despite keeping this a secret for 20+ years (or so you believe) there's a strong probability that one day she will find out. Regardless of whether she stumbles upon the evidence or catches you, her reaction is likely to be worse than if you attempt to have an honest conversation. Best of luck.

[Joanne f]

Yes it`s a trap , built by you and set by you and now you have to fall in it and hope that your wife will pull you out but she may get hurt in the process of setting you free.

[Being Paige]

I have to agree with Karen on this! I say what she said.

[Jenniferathome]

There is no analogy in your daily life, over decades of marriage, like this. So, can you really say you "know" how she will react? When I told my wife, I hoped she would be ok and I thought she would deal with it rationally, but she blew me away with how she addressed it and accepted my crossdressing. I think all of us who came out to our loved ones, did so when not telling was more onerous than telling. Are you there?

[suchacutie]

The one thing I would like to add: be prepared for the worst...and be prepared for the best. When the discussion starts, listen a lot before responding. Having thought ahead of time you will easily start assuming from a few words she might say. Be slow and considerate and calm, no matter what she does.

The big issue here is that you have not told her before. Make sure she knows that you know that up front.

At that point you will have to trust the strength of your relationship.

my best to you,
tina

[BRANDYJ]

You have been married, and been a crossdresser, for 23 years and you haven't told your wife yet?? This is not a trap, this is a man with a very unstable mind!! Sorry if that offends you, but it is how I feel about your problem.

KarenCDFL said you should back off with offensive statements like this. I will go one better and ask you to apologize. How would you feel if I, or anyone else said that the way you dress and go out in public is a man with an unstable mind? It's just rude and helps no one.

Jayne, You have read some good advice and opinions. All I want to add is be sure your marriage is otherwise stable and that you know your wife truly loves you as much as you love her. Yes, she may be hurt at first. But if you are gentle and understandng to her being kept in the dark all these years, the love and respect will bring you both through. It's always a tough call about how she will react. As much as I think I know my SO, sometimes she leaves me dumbfounded on how she responds to some things. If you trust her and her love and loyalty, then it's long over due to tell her...in my opinion. Like many others, your biggest fear is losing her. I understand that. You need to do this in as open and honest way that you can. And whatever you do, doon't make the conversation all about you. Show concern for her feeling above all. I wish you well.

[SuzanneBender]

Dear its not a trap Jayne set. Its a trap that you built. Many of us have been there. We build the trap for what we believe are all of the "right" reasons. You want to protect her, you love her, its easy for her not to know. Explain that to her. There is great advice in some of these posts especially Kaitlyn's. Ease her into this. Karen is also right. Expect to loose all trust in your relationship and never recover all of it back.

I know it sounds gloomy, but its a lot less gloomy than not telling her.

[audreyinalbany]

The only thing I'll add is: don't separate yourself from 'Jayne'. "What if SHE is intentionally trying to break up our marriage." Try to OWN your crossdressing, don't pawn it off on 'her,' as though Jayne were a different person. The only way through this is to integrate the masculine and the feminine aspects of your own personality. Your wife will either deal with it or not, in which case you will need to adjust to whatever set of circumstances you're dealt. Regardless, it seem better than having to try to slug your way through all by yourself. I always figure that my wife is the one person in the world who I want to accept me the way I am. She may not be happy about it. She may not want to participate in your dressing, but at least she needs to acknowledge that it is part of who you are.

[BRANDYJ]

Jayne, listen to what others are saying. In simple terms, do not believe Jayne is a different person from your male self. Get over that notion and man up and realize you are one and the same. Whatever you do, don't speak to your wife as if you are anyone other then her husband that when dressed calls himself Jayne. In my opinion, that would be a kiss of death in trying to get her to accept and hopefully support your need to be fem sometimes.