delusion.....friend or foe?

[Noemi]

Oh Inna I feel for you, for us. I understand what you are saying, and I also have had this experience. I work in the arts and have a feel for truth....so when I see, I really see, with no filters hardly.
I see the man in the mirror...BUT I feel like such a girl and dress often and under dress all the time. Shaved my legs today and that just feels so good....

Well I think we choose to be this way to experience life this time around as both genders. I can feel truth in that, and see the perfection in my life. The drive and single mindedness of a man with the heart and sensibilities of a woman is a potent mixture. We are blessed to be this way to have these strong bodies...but I am getting older and would like to resolve the tension and just be a woman for the second part of my life...well I have not figured the physical aspect out yet either. Look in the mirror and see the perfection that is you.
I love your post, you are wonderful.

[Inna]

Actually, I have posed the question because of my own observation when I discovered that I simply , for years on end, omitted image of my face, subconsciously! Such action was a necessary ingredient of me feeling feminine in the attire of opposing sex, I was A Crossdresser and yet I was a Transsexual as well. Such mechanism made my life bearable to some point until I could no longer keep it up. But I am interested in seeing others reaction to the question. It isn't that I feel everyone should get FFS SRS and who knows what else, NO NO NO, I want to know if such subconscious mechanism seems automatic for all, or is it just occasional self delusion.

Obviously if most CDers would comment they are quite content with the image they see and that is where the need stops then it shall be obvious. As I said before in many a threads, I dig deep into understanding of psyche of transgender and want to know everything there is to know, and perhaps will continue my studies in just that direction.

It is a mesmerizing subject, made of struggle, joy, pain, and happiness, if we can understand it better we stand a chance of easing pain and suffering for new generations of inevitably trans folks as this subject seems not going anywhere soon

[SusanCACD]

ReineD,
It is hard, many of us have responsibilities that we would never ever shirk, and living like this is so defeating and demoralizing it makes me wonder if I am truly crazy. I only wish I could get away with a brow wax, maybe even piercing my ears, but no, just can't do it. But I still want to be me, even if it is in hiding. Life sucks, then you die. By the way, who is Melissa?
Susan

[kimdl93]

inna, your point is well taken. I wish I could answer more confidently, but delisions, if they exist, have a way of conveniently clouding perceptions... idont think I'm deluding myself, but who knows? And there's a fine line between contentment and resignation, isn't there?

[SusanCACD]

Wow, 2 post while I was typing, it's a really good question Inna

[KimberlyJean]

I thought for the longest time that all I would see or that all anyone else would see would be the man staring back, but recently I have started going out in public and just yesterday a woman looked me dead in the eyes and didn't bat an eye. I thought she and the others around had read me but I had a large item in my cart and she was around the counter scanning it before I could even attempt to lift it out. As a man they always wait for me to make it easier on them. I guess what I am trying to say is it helps when the world sees what I see.

[ReineD]

ReineD,
It is hard, many of us have responsibilities that we would never ever shirk, and living like this is so defeating and demoralizing it makes me wonder if I am truly crazy. I only wish I could get away with a brow wax, maybe even piercing my ears, but no, just can't do it. But I still want to be me, even if it is in hiding. Life sucks, then you die. By the way, who is Melissa?

Melissa is BadTranny. And you may not feel as if you can get away with waxing your brows, but you can certainly (slowly over a period of a month or so) pluck away the bushiness to obtain a more androgynous brow. Same with pierced ears. You can get them pierced at the beginning of a vacation and they should be healed enough for you to get away with not wearing studs in them during the daytime at work. My SO has trimmed eyebrows (not a high arch, but still trimmed), and pierced ears and no one notices in guy mode.

Actually, I have posed the question because of my own observation when I discovered that I simply , for years on end, omitted image of my face, subconsciously! Such action was a necessary ingredient of me feeling feminine in the attire of opposing sex,

I wonder if we all do that to some degree, that is see what we want to see in the mirror. I think I do it and this is why I HATE seeing pictures of myself. lol I swear when I look at myself I see a woman who is 20 years younger, because this is how I feel inside.

I remember reading a story about the artist, I think it was Andrew Wyeth. He continued to paint his wife as if she was a young woman even when she was in her 60s. This is how he saw her.

Also the reverse phenomena is true. I'm thinking of anorexics who see a fat reflections of themselves.

[Inna]

I get what you are saying about seeing or in fact not seeing what we want, but I am going back to the topic at hand, I did not look directly at my face! And after years of dressing only when I somehow confronted my self did I ever glimpse into my reflected face for the first and real time. I was dumb found as to the mechanism which prevented me from seeing this face in the first place, so many years so many times delusional image of a woman that wasn't there but a pigment of my imagination or a survival skill so many of us use to go on in life being satisfied with the illusive image of a woman in the mirror.

As to seeing what we want, since my transition started every time I have looked and believe me I have looked at lest once every 25 minutes, NO KIDDING! All I could see was face of a man whose image became the most dreaded reflection of all. And even though changes were occurring, time that it took for those changes occur seemed eons before anything visible registered in my mind. If not promise of FFS I don't honestly think I could had gone on, and that is the truth!

[Alice Torn]

Sometimes i see a man with a womans heart. Sometimes i see a balding, sad man, that life has kicked down. Sometimes i see the devil, sometimes i see a god. Sometimes i see a gorgeous woman, had i been born one, but gorgeous anyway. Other times, i see a fool trying to look like something he cannot be.

[Michelia]

I do not like looking in the mirror. Nor taking pictures. I do not like the way they look. So I avoid it. I use my small mirror for my make up where I can rarely see all my face.

I know I am totally delusional. I think I am beautiful. And I do not like mirrors bringing me down. So yes... I have looked in the mirror...but it does me no good.

So I go out in this world thinking I am one beautiful special girl. When that switch turned on in my brain and I was able to see myself that way, my self-image problems were left behind.

Now lately I have been getting fat...and I am having a hard time making my delusion work. But I will recover.... So far no one has told me anything to the contrary. And there are those few out there that agree through charity or otherwise with my self-assesment ...by telling me how gorgeous I look. So I must be, right?

[ReineD]

As to seeing what we want, since my transition started every time I have looked and believe me I have looked at lest once every 25 minutes, NO KIDDING! All I could see was face of a man whose image became the most dreaded reflection of all. And even though changes were occurring, time that it took for those changes occur seemed eons before anything visible registered in my mind. If not promise of FFS I don't honestly think I could had gone on, and that is the truth!

The mind plays tricks. I have a GG friend who had breast augmentation surgery. She came to me in tears a few weeks after her surgery. She had been looking at herself in the mirror and she couldn't see any difference. She's a psychologist so she's certainly not delusional, she could see that she was fitting into an increased bra size, yet to her eyes she saw no difference in breast size from before. She came over and asked me to look at her naked to see if I could tell any difference. Of course I could. She felt better after this, but I guess it took awhile for her mind's eye to catch up with the reality.

When I look at myself (closely with glasses on), all I see are the lines, my hooded, tired eyes, the patchy red spots on my face, my sagging jaw line. Yuk! These things are particularly salient in pictures. But I gather this is not what others see. I gather they see my soul and my spirit shining through all the facial imperfections.

[catriona36]

So here is my question to you: [SIZE="4"]"have you ever, really looked at the reflection in the mirror?"[/SIZE]

I dont know if i dont like my reflection, or if my reflection does not like me :|
I have no chance as either man or woman, but its fun trying, Tho i admit that I am not trying all that hard.. YET

[LeaP]

So here is my question to you: [SIZE="4"]"have you ever, really looked at the reflection in the mirror?"[/SIZE]

The mirror and I have a long and deteriorating relationship. Yet I'm drawn to it at times despite the fact that I can't stand my appearance and, to a point in the OP, mostly to what I see in my eyes. Mostly I see ... a consciousness or awareness that doesn't seem to be me. Occasionally, though, I get flashes of something else. Once in a great while, I actually see myself as someone else. It sounds dense, but it well-describes how it feels.

Lea

[sherri]

She's a psychologist so she's certainly not delusional,

I'm going to let you slide on that one. :-)

[kendra_gurl]

Even a 70 lb anorexic looks in the mirror and thinks they are still fat. So we delude ourselves a little.. its all part of the illusion

[sherri]

As someone who has no intention of ever fully transitioning, I can't speak to the motives of those who do, but for the rest of us, I think that moment of disillusionment is actually constructive, as long as we don't beat ourselves up too much about it. I don't think delusion or self-absorption are attractive traits for anyone, but especially for TGs. Mind you, I know full well that sinking feeling of seeing myself as I really am, knowing I will never outwardly be that beautiful, seductive female that lives in my head and heart, but I know that becoming obsessed about it in front of the mirror is the wrong answer, at least for me. Like Kendra inferred, that's a long and dark rabbit hole.

I have a better idea: like the song says, you gotta accentuate the positive. What I mean is, we need a different sort of mirror -- actually, a couple of them. For one thing, it can be enough, more than enough, to focus on the gratification and enlightenment of expressing our sense of self honestly and genuinely, even intelligently. Sure, we can certainly make an effort to be as physically attractive and personally expressive as possible. After all, that's part of the fun. But past that, sooner or later it occurs to you that maybe it's time to concentrate on cultivating this creature inside you, and discovering what life is like from that perspective.

And too, it is possible to see yourself as others see you. I'm talking about people who are open enough to accommodate a TG, maybe even become friends. It can be very illuminating -- and validating. I have a small group of gay friends, for example, who have welcomed me into their world. They do not understand why I have the need for this sort of gender expression, but they not only accommodate it, they embrace it. The time I spend with them and their larger circle of friends has been extremely enjoyable, and has taught me a great deal about myself and the people I'm around. Even casual acquaintances can be quite positive, even flattering. I highly recommend getting out there and mixing it up.

Now mind you, if you just cannot stand what you see in the mirror, if it's a deal-breaker for you, then by all means do something about it. You might elect to take it all to another level, or ... you can just walk away. I think that if I found myself at that crossroads, I would base my choice on an honest assessment of what I see in the mirror. Here's the thing: transitioning is an enormous commitment -- at no little cost, mind you -- and personally, I would have to believe there would be a dramatic change to be worth the tab. I mean, I've seen TSs who've gone through all the therapy and drugs and surgeries, as well as all the trade-offs, and they still look like linebackers. Know what I mean? It makes me wonder, if it's all about how you look, was the result worth the cost?

[ReineD]

I mean, I've seen TSs who've gone through all the therapy and drugs and surgeries, as well as all the trade-offs, and they still look like linebackers.

Sadly, so have I. A friend of my SO's. She began the process after her divorce, while she was in her late 40s and now she is post-op. She has no choice but to move forward now, and she is kind, sensitive, intelligent, and very strong internally, but it didn't turn out the way she thought it would. Physiognomy is a huge factor in this. There's just so much that FFS and HRT will do. It's difficult for people who are very tall and have broad shoulders, and large hands and feet.

[Inna]

I get it, but somehow can't accept it as an absolute, I was for the lack of better word, average looking bloke, of huge frame (so it seemed) thick neck, built like a locomotive, old angry and then a dream could not be held anymore. And this

"of seeing myself as I really am, knowing I will never outwardly be that beautiful, seductive female that lives in my head and heart"

was it, she was beautiful, sensual, wholesome, woman and to think I will get what I wish for........Nooooo Waaaaaay Hooooosaaaaaayyy!
Reality right, wrong! I wanted this more then life and I did get what I asked for, and I really believe that if anyone else needs it as much, they will get help from this universe just as I did!

[ReineD]

How tall are you, Inna? My SO's friend is 6'2", or 6'3".

[Inna]

I was 6'1'' when I started 3 years ago......now 5'10 1/2'' yes, I know, nothing makes sense here, because I didn't ask for it to make sense, I just asked "please help me be ME"

You will have a laugh here:

3 years ago:

[ReineD]

You shrank 3 inches? Wow! You need to determine how you did this and post the results. I'm sure others can benefit from it.

Also I must say your male face was handsome. I was discussing with someone just today, about the fact that it is the most handsome men who turn into the most beautiful women. The facial symmetry, proportion, and pleasing features are already there!

[NCAmazon]

Sadly, so have I. A friend of my SO's. She began the process after her divorce, while she was in her late 40s and now she is post-op. She has no choice but to move forward now, and she is kind, sensitive, intelligent, and very strong internally, but it didn't turn out the way she thought it would. Physiognomy is a huge factor in this. There's just so much that FFS and HRT will do. It's difficult for people who are very tall and have broad shoulders, and large hands and feet.

You probably can't do much about hands and feet, but its the body weight that sets off the Big Tranny look. If someone is still 6-2 and 220 lbs after transition it will look odd. Regardless of height getting to a modest weight makes a huge difference in perception. At 6-2 someone should be under 180 lbs at least.

[Inna]

I personally know of girl who are 6'4'' and there is no way in this world she could be mistaken for a male, but YES she is 145lbs
she didn't start her transition until late 20's

Honestly, I believe that the power of will, blunt and blind force to become indistinguishable from genetic girls is what drives girls like us to do absolutely everything and as I said before, "all it takes, is everything" and I wasn't lyin'
for the older folks such drive may be obscured by life lived and they settle for middle road, such was not my intention and I would had not gone into transition otherwise.

[kimdl93]

The mind plays tricks. I have a GG friend who had breast augmentation surgery. She came to me in tears a few weeks after her surgery. She had been looking at herself in the mirror and she couldn't see any difference. She's a psychologist so she's certainly not delusional, she could see that she was fitting into an increased bra size, yet to her eyes she saw no difference in breast size from before. She came over and asked me to look at her naked to see if I could tell any difference. Of course I could. She felt better after this, but I guess it took awhile for her mind's eye to catch up with the reality.

When I look at myself (closely with glasses on), all I see are the lines, my hooded, tired eyes, the patchy red spots on my face, my sagging jaw line. Yuk! These things are particularly salient in pictures. But I gather this is not what others see. I gather they see my soul and my spirit shining through all the facial imperfections.

Isn't it strange that we often see the worst in ourselves while being much more charitable to others.

Reading this thread, again brough to mind this old proverb from Bobbie Burns.

O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us
It wad frae monie a blunder free us
An' foolish notion
What airs in dress an' gait wad lea'e us
An' ev'n Devotion

It seems, we'd might see something much more positive, closer to reality and avoid many a blunder, if we could just see ourselves as others see us.

[docrobbysherry]

Maybe that's why I wear a mask, Inna!? If I don't like what I see in my mirror, I can switch it 10 seconds. And, seeing what I want to see there avoids all those inconvenient thots and difficult to answer questions that tend to pop up!