Don't Ask, Don't Tell --- What does it mean?

[GingerLeigh]

DADT is more for the American military. Don't tell them and they won't ask. I think in this case it's more of KBDWSI which is "Knows But Doesn't Wanna See It". In other words fine, but not in front of me.

[JamieG]

I'm gonna jump in here and say something - I dont want to sound confrontational as its not meant to be so, I just want to put a different perspective across.

Say for instance you have been married for 10 years - you never told your wife before you were married and now, 10 years down the line, you come clean and say you are a CD'er. Your wife is understandably shocked, worried, frightened and feels betrayed. She wont discuss it with you, she doesnt want to see it or hear about it - she effectively goes into a DADT mode

Now here's my point - you chose to keep it a secret before marriage and well into your marriage, you chose when to come clean, now you want to discuss it as and when you choose. Your wife has had no choice about knowing or not, no choice about when to find out or be told, and now she's getting no choice as to having it out in the open or not - other than to just shut down and go into DADT mode. Maybe, just maybe, its the wife's way of taking some sort of control over a situation that, up until now, she's had absolutely no control over whatsoever.

I'm not saying this is right, wrong or anything in between - I'm just trying to put another perspective across - so please dont shoot me down in flames because I'm fine with my OH's dressing, and its sweet FA to do with me what any of you do or how you want to run your lives, but I can see where some wive's may be really pi**ed off about having no control about the timing here, especially if it all come out when you have little kiddies and she feels that, even if she wants to just run away and think it all through, she cant or wont because of the ties she has at home.

I think Silentpartner makes some really good points. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with a DADT relationship. If a wife doesn't want CDing suddenly thrown in her face, why should she have to put up with it? When I first came out to my wife, we started with DADT. Over time, she softened and it became a "Only tell when I sometimes ask" (OTWISA?) relationship. Now we seem to be in a "Okay, you can tell me sometimes, but don't go overboard" (OYCTMSBDGO?) relationship. My point is, it is possible to progress beyond a DADT but it needs to be at a pace that works for both partners.

p.s. Do you think my new acronyms will catch on?

[Stephanie47]

I'm in a DA-DT relationship with my wife. We've been married forty plus years. I was not a practicing CD=er when we met. I had not dressed for years, never thought about trying on my mother's clothing when young' did not have a desire to cross dress. Maybe the utter sexiness of my young wife and her provocative bedroom attire rekindled my desires. The age on mini skirts was in-great legs she had. Anyway, we ended up mutually interested in wearing nylon nightgowns-yummy, and, stockings with garter belt. Was I a CDer or just sex play in the bedroom. She bought me stockings. We shopped for nighties together. Fast forward in time- she flipped. When she and I realized there was more to this than bedroom sex play, she changed her mind. At first there was one sided accusations, i.e., a lot of yelling and misunderstandings. I wish this forum was around thirty years ago. It wasn't. We tried to make some headway. We tried shopping for panties for me. It was too much for her to handle. Yes, I would love to get a pair of lacy panties from her for my birthday- it isn't going to happen. It would have signaled something akin to making a treaty.

So, we are now in DA-DT. She finds some items that I inadvertently did not return to storage, but, has said nothing other than to tell me where she put them. She has stopped making snide comments when CDing is discussed on the news or shows up in a dumb comedy show.

So, she and I are at a level of mutual acceptance. Yes, I would love it if she wants me to dress for Halloween. Would I? No, because, what would happen if she melted down? She has changed her belief structure concerning sexual minorities which is probably a hint that she finally has realized I am not a different guy than when first married- except I like to wear a dress once in awhile.

CDing is a stress reliever. I cannot toss it aside. I can limit myself, but, it isn't going away. If she were to suddenly demand I try to become someone I am not I'd rather live alone. Sometimes DA-DT is the best a CD-er can ask for!

[NicoleScott]

I think that Jennifer described DADT accurately - it is an agreement. But it doesn't necessarily require both people to sit down and discuss all the details. When she knows you crossdress and clearly sends the message that she doesn't want to see it, and you comply with her wishes by keeping it away from her, that's DADT. She might not WANT to sit down and discuss the details. It makes her uncomfortable. But she knows you do it and it won't be an issue as long as she Doesn't Ask and you Don't Tell.
I would certainly accept their word that for some, DADT wouldn't work for them. But for many, DADT does work. As Stacy (post #23) said, it isn't ideal for the relationship. But sometimes it's the best it can be. DADT never works? Just not true. Re-read some of these posts.
So what's the alternative? Yes, full disclosure before marriage, but what if that ship has sailed? DADT requires disclosure, but disclosure having been made and responded with "I don't want to see it", what other choice is there? Besides divorce. Some of us have marriages that are worth accommodating DADT.

p.s. Silentpartner, I'm a fan.

[Jenniferathome]

Now here's my point - you chose to keep it a secret before marriage and well into your marriage, you chose when to come clean, now you want to discuss it as and when you choose. Your wife has had no choice about knowing or not, no choice about when to find out or be told, and now she's getting no choice as to having it out in the open or not - other than to just shut down and go into DADT mode. Maybe, just maybe, its the wife's way of taking some sort of control over a situation that, up until now, she's had absolutely no control over whatsoever.

SP, I love it! You may have just articulated the answer to a great mystery. This viewpoint may help many get over this hump

[Laura912]

Lot of truth in what SP said whether you like it or not. There are those that still need to learn that not all spouses respond the same all of the time and that some of the spouses respond the same some of the time. (with apologies to Lincoln and PT Barum)