Not So Accepting As I Thought

[mscatie85]

Hello,
Last night me and my SO were having a conversation in bed. The topic was my latest urge / unsuccessful attempt at shaving my chest. I want to do this because I want to get a professional makeover done. In the past my SO has told me her displeasure of seeing my chest shaved as she loves the fact that I am a "real" man. Go figure I find the one women on the planet that loves a hairy chest. Well during the conversation she adds another comment to her usual defense against me shaving:

"When you shave your chest all I can think about is you in a dress and a wig. Don't get me wrong I am still okay with it but why do something like that when you only dress for a minute."

The comment flooded my system with a range of emotions from depression all the way to anger. Depressed because I just came to find out that she is treating my dressing as a passing phase (can't really call it that if I have been doing it longer than I have known her). Angry because the reason I shave my chest is because I want to go out on the town and be as passable as possible. Can't do that looking like a woolly mammoth or i am libel to have something bad happen to me (ridicule, physically hurt, etc). I was even considering purging everything because she made me feel ashamed of what I do. Even now I have the urge just to throw everything in the dumpster. I know that won't solve anything but I just don't know what to do.

I just feel like everything she has said about my dressing (the encouragement mostly) has all been a lie from day one.

Do you have any advice for me how I can approach this subject with my SO? I really don't know what to do.

[Millie]

Hi
I'm new here. I have just let my SO know that I love to CD after 20 years of marriage. I was surprised that it was a turn on for her. She loves when I dress up. Anyway enough about me. I would not feel ashamed of who you are despite what your SO thinks. You may want to tell her shaving is all part of being who you are, besides it grows back. I am a pretty hairy person, but when I shaved myself my SO loved me being smooth. You should please yourself first, if not you will never be happy in life.

[BRANDYJ]

You are only 26 and you have years ahead of you. If you love your wife, as she no doubt loves you, you need to understand her feelings and for now, accept her limits. This is something that will be with you for years to come. Why not be thankful for her acceptance and live within her boundaries and comfort zone? In time, she may expand those boundaries and allow you more freedom wiht your shaving your chest and whatever else it is you want. For now, I'd be happy with what you have in an accepting wife. If you slow down, she may become more accepting. if you pout about it and push for MORE, MORE now, you might find yourself with a wife that does a 180 on you. You need to find a way to communicate with her and express your appreciation for her acceptance and that you can understand her views.

[~Joanne~]

To be honest, when I decided to shave (everything but my arms, which I trimmed down very low) I never bothered to ask if I could as it was my body and I have never had to give her permission to do anything to hers. After doing so though she has never said a word about it and I don't even think she has noticed.

This doesn't apply to everyone though. Each girl has their own situation and things that prevent them from doing the things that they would like to do. If Your SO doesn't want you to shave maybe a compromise could be made and ask her if you can trim it down at least. Maybe in time she may want to see what your body is like totally shaved, maybe not.

It sounds as if your SO is some what accepting, not completely accepting so pushing things may not be in your best interest. When she made the comment that you only dress a minute, you should have taken the time to explain to her that this dressing isn't a minute passing phase instead of bottling it up to eat at you.

I hope things work out
Joanne

[Karren H]

Just validates my position that there is no such thing as acceptance.... Only varying degrees of tolerance...... Your young and as long as she knew before you became significant....... If this is a deal breaker then time maybe its time to move on??

[Laura912]

Brandy described it well. It does sound a wee bit like you are pouting. If it has not gotten too warm where you are you could go out wearing a cami under a mock turtle neck sweater and no one would know.

[Babeba]

I think you need to have another talk with your wife, and that you need to tell her what it is you want out of dressing. She does need to know you plan on going outside; what if someone who knows you both sees you and recognizes you, then talks to her about it? Knowing that you dress, but not that you dress outside, may make things rather touchy.

There are many styles which do not show a lot of chest yet are pretty and feminine; scarves, high necked blouses, nice jackets ( is the weather still spring unseasonable where you Re?). What if you trimmed/shaved the top, then left the rest? You could bring up that sort of Manscaping with her.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Tough situation, and I get it- my wife doesn't care for chest hair- but still was like "OMG, what did you do to your chest hair?" when I shaved just the top portion, that was more grey than black now.
You got lots of good advice here, but it sounds like your relationship is strong enough where you can talk one more time about why you want to shave, what you plan to do. The issue might not be just the hair but the idea of you going out- maybe she thinks you're staying home so long as you don't shave, and home is where her comfort zone is.

[Aylineira]

I think that your emotions are valid. However, I don't think she's been lying to you. I mean this is something tough to deal with since society has molded our concepts of what a man should be.

Within a marriage there has to be compromises. OK so you can't shave your chest...it's not the end of the world. Some of the others here have completely lost their wives just because of our CD nature.

In my opinion, she will slowly accept you more and more the way you want to be. But for now you have to go by her pace. She will one day see that being a CD is not just a passing phase. My own wife has said that she doesn't even see me wearing a dress anymore... she just sees me. And hopefully one day it will be the same for you.

[Kristyn Hill]

If you want to stay married then a lot more talks will need to ensue. If you want to bridge the gap of her tolerance as Karren explained then another style may be order. Report back as the progression goes and I hope it all works out where both of you can be happy.

[Jocelyn Rose]

You may find that her real fear is not you shaving your chest, but you mention that you want to go out on the town. If she knows that it may be that she fears for your safety. Ultimately if she knows this is part of you and it is not going to change then I feel like both of you can reach an understanding of the situation. The way you do that is establish boundaries for your dressing and arrive at compromises you both can live with.

There is probably a lot of background to this situation that we are not aware of (and you don't mention here) and since I am very new here I wouldn't know either. Good luck in your conversations and maybe try to keep all the emotions in check.

[suchacutie]

As with most relationships, it is all about careful communication and compromise.

One process that inhibits both of these necessities is misinterpretation. Each of us has a "world view". That is, we each have a set of experiences that we bring to every interpretation of every scrap of information we absorb. The problem comes when the world view of the speaker and the world view of the listener do not completely overlap. In that case, most often, the full meaning of the information being transferred is not communicated, and can be badly miscommunicated!

Before you jump over the edge, I would hope that you'd ask you wife if you understood her correctly, and if she understood you correctly. Talk about how hard it is to convey experiences and innermost feelings about this issue and emphasize that you are dedicated to not make a mistake because of a lack of real understanding.

In all honesty, you really haven't been married long enough to have overlapped your world views completely yet. When you've had more life together than apart you'll probably have a better overlap

Talk with her sincerely. Use your femme-side mind to help to understand her position before making long-term decisions.

my best,
tina

[shawnsheila]

It wasn't until recently that my wife came to accept and even support me on my CDing after 7 years of non-acceptance. The change was when she attended a PALS meeting and got to talk to other wives of cross dressers as well as see a counselor who specializes in gender identity. Since then she started giving me fashion tips and even bought a closet for me to hang/store my clothes/shoes but she still like it when i am "manly" i.e. not shaving my legs/chest or arm pit hairs (which really limits what I can wear but I'll gladly take what she allows after 7 years) She did respond nicely about my hairy leg by saying "I didn't realize how sexy you are with furry legs until now" so it was a more positive way to let me know she does not like silky smooth legs unless they are hers

[Daphne Renee]

I agree with the others.. You should talk to your wife .. You do have to be happy with yourself but shaving your chest is a small battle. After some time she might come to understand you more. It wont happen overnight but if you both love each other you can find a happy medium.

[Confetti]

Hello...
Sorry to hear this seems like a fleeting comment that should not have been said.Perhaps, making this a joint project like getting ready to do a show or halloween.Don't throw out the things that make you happy.I will appologise for her comment being rude.It is needed you shave and tell her either way you do not like the hair anyway.

[Cheryl T]

Stop for a moment and think...
Are you perhaps moving ahead too fast?? You said she was "accepting" and that you want to shave so that you can have a makeover. I'm sure there are plenty of outfits you could wear for your makeover that would not be "revealing" of your furry issue. Then you said you want to do it so that you can be as passable as possible and go out on the town.
Consider her feelings before you rush headlong into what could ruin a good relationship.
When my spouse first found out we were younger and less secure with each other. I hid it away again for years until it became something that I had to do for me. By the time I brought this out again we were much more "together" and she found it easier to investigate and learn about. It still took a little while but now she is supportive and accepting and we go out all the time together and have even taken a "girls only" vacation together.
Rethink your desires and be open and honest with her. This is not something that is easily understood and perhaps you are just rushing ahead faster than she is willing or able to go.

[Pretty Nails]

You are very lucky. She knows you have a femmself and is still there with you. Many are not so lucky. Take care of her and talk to her - a lot.

I did not ask my wife when I shaved my legs and nether regions but she was ok with it. She accepted the legs and liked the other areas of new found smoothness. She did ask me to leave my chest hair - she likes the look and feel and it works well for HER. I would just as soon shave it all off but she also needs her man.

Crossdressing like just about anything else requires some compromise. I feel that you should take the fashion advise given here and then move slowly with your mate. If you respect her feelings and insecurities she may be more accepting as you move on together.

[kimdl93]

Megan, take a moment to let your anger pass. I think this was a very helpful and constructive conversation. Your SO is talking to you about her reactions and feelings with regard to your dressing. And she's said she's still OK with it. What she's asking though, seems to be a reasonable place for both of you right now.

I know, you're in a hurry to get out into the world. But honestly, this isn't a race. Take your time, keep your focus on building and maintaining an open and mutually supportive relationship. And perhaps you could ask her to describe how the mental image of you in a wig and dress affects her. Don't try to talk her out of her feelings....try to understand them and be responsive to them.

[JessHaust]

I have been out and about for several months now, with shaved chest, and really just about everything else! My wife is very supportive and accompanies me to most of my outings. The one thing she does not like is the lack of chest hair, and it was a big issue at first. She is better now, I don't think she likes it any better, but the shock has worn off, and she has accepted it. if I grew it back tomorrow she would be pleased to say the least, but that is probably not going to happen!

[Katesback]

Perhaps your wife was under the impression when you first told her that this CD stuff was a stay at home ever so often sort of thing. As time went by she came to realize that it has been escalating which is pretty much the standard thing for CDs. Perhaps she is putting her foot down and setting a limit.

That is her right. Rember she married a man and wants a man.

It is also your right to do whatever you want to. Nobody has a right to tell you you cant.

The downside of this is that most of the time it does not go well in marriage. So you might wish to sit down and decide what you want to do and if its CD then you need to tell her so someone can make a decision to stay in the relationship or move on.

Katie

[Contessa]

I am sorry to have to report this but I am going to have to say that it is not the hairy chest that is the problem. You are becoming a threat to her femininity. You might be sexier than her, she thinks. I am sorry I can't believe all that stuff about losing your hairy chest. I have probably a quarter of the hair on my chest than you have. My wife does not want it shaved off but what of having to do it for other reasons.

To me I just think it is a control issue, sorry I just can't get past that. Every woman although soft and smooth is not nice. I think some women have mean streaks too. She is losing control of her world. But shouldn't you have control of your life too. Purchase a pair of clippers and get the hair as low as possible. Then shave to as smooth as you want. Hey this is not mean it is for better or worse. She may be a bit shaken up but she can get over it. It has happened before and it will happen again. I have had to get over things about my wife. Husbands don't have to be pushed around to be husbands and good husbands for that matter. Wives are grown people too. They can't always get their way on everything husband. I still her and I probably always will but I can't be told I can't be happy unless she's happy first.

I am as much of a girl as I can be. Trying to get even more girly all the time, so I can be more manly as I have control of my own life. I am now stronger that both sides of me are in harmony. One is not being suppressed while the other is miserable. Though we are all different. Sorry to rant but my and your lives(you know what I mean) are in this together.

Tess

[BRANDYJ]

Perhaps your wife was under the impression when you first told her that this CD stuff was a stay at home ever so often sort of thing. As time went by she came to realize that it has been escalating which is pretty much the standard thing for CDs. Perhaps she is putting her foot down and setting a limit.

That is her right. Rember she married a man and wants a man.

It is also your right to do whatever you want to. Nobody has a right to tell you you cant.

The downside of this is that most of the time it does not go well in marriage. So you might wish to sit down and decide what you want to do and if its CD then you need to tell her so someone can make a decision to stay in the relationship or move on.

Katie

I disagree with Kate's post where I underlined and made it bold in the above quote.
No, it is not your right to do what you want. When you marry, it's a union as being one. Both need to compromise on what each wants. To ignore that half of the two in that union is to ignore respect, appreciation, care and concern for the other. You don't have the right to do as you please IF you want the marriage to last. Think twice and think hard how important your marriage is to you. If you can be selfish enough to do as you please and disregard your wife's feelings, then do the both of you a favor and end it.
My relationship with my SO is way to important to me to do as I want wihtout considering her feelings first. I do as I want because what I do is alright with her. If not, then I don't do it.

[JessHaust]

I am sorry to have to report this but I am going to have to say that it is not the hairy chest that is the problem.

I have to disagree with you, It can (although does not have to) be a problem with the chest hair only. That is my wife's only issue and I'm sure there are others like her out there.

[Anita Luken]

Hi Megan; go slow with your SO. Be patient, don't push to much to quick. Also, DO NOT PURGE!! It NEVER works, you just end up regretting it and going out and buying new and missing some things you threw away. The professional makeover sounds really exciting. I live in South Central Wisconsin BTW. Best of luck. Anita

[Chickhe]

Ask her this... if you started reading GQ did man scaping, took up a sport and shaved your body hair would it make a difference? Would she accept it from you if you told her how to style her hair? What clothes to wear?

its all the fantasy nonsense girls learn...not all men have natually hairy chests you know.

The mistake you made is telling her why... maybe you should have just done it and said nothing besides you don't like feeling like an ape.