dilemma which I'd think not unusual for lots of us

[lindacrossed]

Hi, I recently joined and I find this forum very informative with good and kind people. I have this situation which i need advice on.

I am 31 years old m2f crossdresser and I've been doing it on and off since 10y.o. and more seriously from 22y.o. and all the way now. Since I got divorced 4 years ago, my friends constantly moving away or having babies and my non-existent dating life I have more time/opportunities for it now. My wardrobe is growing, collection of shoes, stocks of makeup, all good things .
I am so-called sexual CD, meaning that i do it only for sexual pleasure. It never was that I dressed up and didn't masturbate before getting back to the guy mode.

But I still would like to find S.O. one day (sooner the better actually ) and I am just thinking my crossdressing might be 'preventing' me to find someone. Especially if i decide to be more open about it (right now I am closet CD with some outings by car or foot but without interaction with other people while en femme). I mean maybe I should put my CD-ing energy into looking for a girl, bu then CD-ing is part of me, which i can't and don't want to part with.

Anyone had gone through the same? Ideas? Advices?
Thanks

Linda

[AllieSF]

Welcome to the forum and I hope that you enjoy your stay. I think that maybe you would do better to come to some sort of understanding of your dressing, accept it and try to join some support groups, or social groups that would get you out of the house. The reason for that recommendation is that I have read about many CD's here that have the sexual side to their dressing. Many of those have said that once they started going out more, worrying more about a presentable outfit, the sexual side went away or at least greatly diminished. I believe that maybe by going out and getting more comfortable with it and the potential for a reduction in the sexual aspect of it, you may find a better balance in your life with less frustrations. The better balance is the key for finding an SO and keeping her. The happier and comfortable you are with yourself will automatically radiate outward to those around you, including potential partners. Good luck.

[crossdressersfriend GG]

I think that you are going through a discovery phase right now and you've had a taste of freedom and are really figuring out where the CDing fits into your lifestyle. You need to figure that out before you're ready for a SO?

Is it slowing down the possibility of finding that special person, no I don't really think so. When you're meant to find her you will. So don't stress, go through the process of self discovery and know on the other side there will be someone waiting for you. And please be honest with her from as early on as you can ( I don't say right away because you really are going to have to get to know someone before springing this on them I would think?). Best of luck!

[Shari]

The first question you have to answer is that do you want to find a girl because you want to or feel you have to? Is there some pressure on you to live a more "normal" lifestyle?
Many times after the release, the feelings of guilt and lonliness surface. How strong are they and how long do they last?

There are qualities about dressing by yourself.
You're always there for you whenever you need you.

[LeannL]

Linda,
Your question is a complicated one even if you didn't mean it to be! First, we don't really know how much time you spend dressing and if that prevents you from doing other things. If you are totally obsessed with dressing such that as soon as you get home, you throw on a skirt and, as you said, you don't go out dressed then you will have trouble finding that special person. Your comments talk about you non-existent dating life but didn't explain why.

There are women, more young than old, who seem to be OK with gender fluidity. So your best be is to find a SO that is OK with it. Finding one is not easy but your best bet is to let any women know earlier rather than later. As someone said, a support group might help you with telling a SO or even finding one.

As someone else has said, understanding yourself is key to finding balance in your life and by doing so, the energy to find a SO. Also, that balance will show through to any partner and that is key to a lasting relationship. How you go about understanding yourself is up to you. Some seek a therapist while others work their way through it. A support group can, at a minimum, introduce you to others like ourselves. Knowing that we are not alone and that we go through the same mental and physical machinations dealing with our CDing is quite comforting which in turn helps us deal with ourselves.

Good luck,

Leann

[Karren H]

If statistics existed... Which they don't... They would show that if your looking for that one woman that will totally accept your "hobby".... The odds are better you will win the mega-millions lottery... Or marry Kim Kardashian... longer than her marriage to Chris Humphreys... Its the cold stark reality.... If you don't want to end up old and lonely in a pretty pink dress.... I'd seriously consider other options.....

Ohh. Welcome to the fray!

[kimdl93]

I would look at this a bit differently. Young people...and you're still young...often feel that their CDing is sexual expression only. But I think that the two just happen to travel the same path together for a while. I mean, pretty much anything is arrousing to the average teen or young adult male. And if you have an interest in CDing, its not surprising to associate it with arrousal, even if its a coincedence. So what seems sexual today may emerge as a wholely separate aspect of your being tomorrow.

Now to meeting. I would guess that in the time following your divorce, at a fairly young age, you went through aperiod of adjustment, maybe even sadness and isolation. Its common - divorce is a difficult thing. But now, 4 years later, you're emerging from that period. Its time to just start meeting women. Don't start out with a goal of "finding the right one", rather use this time to meet and get acquainted with a number of women. And when you know them well enough to know how open minded they are, then start a conversation about your CDing. The more women you meet, the more likely that you'll meet one who is interested in you and open to your CDing.

PS: And I don't personally believe that accepting women are all that hard to find. I've married two!

[Rogina B]

Seems to me that a gender fluid lifestyle should be in your future.Like others have said,if you try at it,you can find women who will enjoy that part of you.Not sure where T.O. is,so I can't point you in the right direction..lol. So,where are you?

[docrobbysherry]

Hi, I recently joined and I find this forum very informative with good and kind people. I have this situation which i need advice on.

I am 31 years old m2f crossdresser and I've been doing it on and off since 10y.o. and more seriously from 22y.o. and all the way now. Since I got divorced 4 years ago, my friends constantly moving away or having babies and my non-existent dating life I have more time/opportunities for it now. My wardrobe is growing, collection of shoes, stocks of makeup, all good things .
I am so-called sexual CD, meaning that i do it only for sexual pleasure. It never was that I dressed up and didn't masturbate before getting back to the guy mode.

But I still would like to find S.O. one day (sooner the better actually ) and I am just thinking my crossdressing might be 'preventing' me to find someone. Especially if i decide to be more open about it (right now I am closet CD with some outings by car or foot but without interaction with other people while en femme). I mean maybe I should put my CD-ing energy into looking for a girl, bu then CD-ing is part of me, which i can't and don't want to part with.

Anyone had gone through the same? Ideas? Advices?
Thanks

Linda

Hi, Linda. First, "sexual CDs" r often referred to here by the misnomer, "fetish dressers".

I find being a single "sexual CD" to be a compelling, yet possibly self destructive, trap! I'm older than u. MUCH OLDER! Was on a date with a lady in her 50's last weekend. I really enjoyed her company! But, I can't imagine having an affair with her! I find myself subconsciously comparing her to the sexy girl I have waiting for me at home. And sadly, THAT comparison is "no contest"!

DON'T become overly dependent on your fem side's sensual sexuality! At the expense of live human contacts! Sounds crazy, but I'm proof it CAN HAPPEN!

[Sarah Doepner]

Linda,
Sherrie made an excellent observation when she said "The girl on the date wasn't even close to the girl that would be waiting at home." That girl in the mirror knows exactly what you want and how to get it for you, so the relationship can become a very dependable and comfortable one that ends up reducing the chance you will find someone else to meet your other needs that come in a relationship. I'd suggest a couple of things. First open yourself up to the other things that come in a relationship and what you get from those interactions with other people. These things are missing, and if you keep going to the well to satisfy a sexual urge when it's really conversation that you need, it will become more difficult to find someone later. Secondly, find ways to expand your crossdressing experience, preferably with other CDs in your area. Look for a club, support group or some other place where you can go and do things that seperate crossdressing from sexual activity. Get a better feel for how it fits your identity, sense of gender and community. Third, consider the suggestion to find a counselor to speak with if your life seems to be getting out of control or you need to work through priorities. Finally, stop in here, read, ask questions, post responses and get comfortable. I've found I do a lot of thinking as I attempt to respond to other peoples questions and find a lot of my own. It's also good to discover how large and ho much variety there is in this community. Good luck and be patient, it all takes time.

[MandyGG]

If statistics existed... Which they don't... They would show that if your looking for that one woman that will totally accept your "hobby".... The odds are better you will win the mega-millions lottery...

It's true. I call myself an accepting wife. But, I rant, rave, throw a fit, cause a scene, moan, groan, and complain.....and my husband is purged. Just imagine what I would do if he were back out! Sure, in theory, I say that can take it.... but would I "really" be able to? If you choose to tell a girl, be prepared. Honestly, I would have rather I had never even known. Ignorance is bliss.

[VickysBFF]

Seems to me that a gender fluid lifestyle should be in your future.Like others have said,if you try at it,you can find women who will enjoy that part of you.Not sure where T.O. is,so I can't point you in the right direction..lol. So,where are you?

I think that T.O. is Toronto, Ontario Canada.

[DonnaT]

The odds are better you will win the mega-millions lottery

Not quite that long on odds, as there are quite a few here that can attest to finding an accepting SO.

The problem you may have, however, is finding sexual enjoyment with another person. Too much self satisfaction can lead to problems in this area. And relying on dressing for that enjoyment compounds the problem, for some, especially if you find limited acceptance from an SO, but none in the bedroom.

[muzzy]

Hey girls...I'm new and don't understand the abbs like gg and so...what do they mean and is there a list of common ones ???

[crossdressersfriend GG]

Hey girls...I'm new and don't understand the abbs like gg and so...what do they mean and is there a list of common ones ???

BG - Bigender.
BF - Boyfriend
CD - Crossdresser
DG - Dualgender
DK - Drag King
DQ - Drag Queen
FAB - Female At Birth
FtM/F2M - Female to Male transgender
GF - Girlfriend, also can be Genetic Female
GG - Genetic Girl (female at birth)
GM - Genetic Male (male at birth)
GRS - Gender Reassignment Surgery, (also SRS)
MtF/M2F - Male to Female transgender
Non-op - Someone who does not intend on having sexual reassignment surgery
OP - Original post, or original poster
Post-op - Someone who has had sexual reassignment surgery
Pre-op - Someone who is waiting to have sexual reassignment surgery
SO - Significant Other
SRS - Sexual Reassignment Surgery, (also GRS)
TG - Transgender
TS - Transsexual
TV - Transvestite

[muzzy]

Thankyou,this has been a wonderful guide to understanding our language xoxo

[Alaina R]

It is a problem. I lived with it for years. I do agree with those who recommend working on developing yourself as a person. Most people are idiots when in their 20's. Now that you are a little older, and unencumbered, you have time to move to the next level of who you are. It also sounds like you are starting to get a bit isolated. That easily happens as you get a little older and are less involved with your now married and/or scattered friends. What is happening is normal but if you just float along with it all of a sudden you'll be 40 or 50 and nothing will have changed. I think the CDing makes everything harder. There may be potential partners that will never come to pass because of the CDing and that is sad. Yet there are women who do not just accept it but actively enjoy it; I know because I married one and it changed my life. Keep yourself in circulation. Be realistic. Make sure anyone you start to get serious with knows about the CDing and is at least 'ok' with it. Anything less will make for a miserable relationship/marriage. A good therapist (not easy to find) can sometimes be a big help at this point in life (at least it helped me). Good luck

[sherri]

There is the potential to find an accepting partner, I believe, and there is also the potential to let your gender expression ostracize and isolate you, trapping you in a lonely life. Finding balance is the key that makes the difference, with or without a partner. What I mean is, keep your life as rich and interesting as you can, some of which you can do as a crossdresser and some you can't. Think about it -- a GG doesn't walk around all day preoccupied with being a girl.

[lindacrossed]

Thanks everyone, I know it's tough question, but you gave me some ideas, reassured so concerns and hopes. I will keep working on it. As Stephanie said, intent is there
I did some quoting below.

And we found each other on a website dating site...

You've put your intention out there, now let THAT work for you...

Thanks Stephanie for optimistic view. And I am glad there are lucky like you
What dating website did you use by the way? and I'd think you had just guy profile there? Thanks

It also sounds like you are starting to get a bit isolated. That easily happens as you get a little older and are less involved with your now married and/or scattered friends. What is happening is normal but if you just float along with it all of a sudden you'll be 40 or 50 and nothing will have changed.

Thanks Alaina, you read it right, that's exactly what's going on. Add to it my background and language barrier as I am immigrant. I will continue trying to put myself into circulation. Thanks

It's true. I call myself an accepting wife. But, I rant, rave, throw a fit, cause a scene, moan, groan, and complain.....and my husband is purged.

Yeah, I think that what happened with my ex. Lots of GG consider themselves accepting... but purged CDs are not that happy people. I experienced that.

Linda,
Sherrie made an excellent observation when she said "The girl on the date wasn't even close to the girl that would be waiting at home."
That girl in the mirror knows exactly what you want and how to get it for you, so the relationship can become a very dependable and comfortable one that ends
up reducing the chance you will find someone else to meet your other needs that come in a relationship.

I'd suggest a couple of things. First open yourself up to the other things that come in a relationship and what you get from those interactions with other people.

Thanks Sarah, Yeah, I am completely missing intimacy with someone, someone saying 'honey i am home' and bunch of other things, so to me there is no question that i need that and it's not that put down on me by society.

The first question you have to answer is that do you want to find a girl because you want to or feel you have to? Is there some pressure on you to live a more "normal" lifestyle?
Many times after the release, the feelings of guilt and lonliness surface. How strong are they and how long do they last?

There are qualities about dressing by yourself.
You're always there for you whenever you need you.

Thanks Shari, Love your avatar by the way. Yeah, I really do want to find a girl. I don't feel that to be pressure from outside. To me life is more full than you share it with someone. I just to need to make sure that Linda will not kill that girl should one decide to come along.
As for lonliness and guilt, I actually have it much worse if I 'please' myself without dressing up, just say by watching porn.

Its the cold stark reality.... If you don't want to end up old and lonely in a pretty pink dress.... I'd seriously consider other options.....

Ohh. Welcome to the fray!

Yep, Very sobering, but sounds very realistic. But even these days it's lonely me in sexy black dress...

[Lorileah]

If statistics existed... Which they don't... They would show that if your looking for that one woman that will totally accept your "hobby".... The odds are better you will win the mega-millions lottery... Or marry Kim Kardashian... longer than her marriage to Chris Humphreys... Its the cold stark reality.... If you don't want to end up old and lonely in a pretty pink dress.... I'd seriously consider other options.....

Ohh. Welcome to the fray!

It's true. I call myself an accepting wife. But, I rant, rave, throw a fit, cause a scene, moan, groan, and complain.....and my husband is purged. Just imagine what I would do if he were back out! Sure, in theory, I say that can take it.... but would I "really" be able to? If you choose to tell a girl, be prepared. Honestly, I would have rather I had never even known. Ignorance is bliss.

Wow thanks for making me realize that I have been extremely lucky in my life. I have won THAT lotto twice.

I disagree that SO's who accept "us" are rare. I think it is far more complicated than that. You have to find someone who loves you no matter what. Here I think that too many marriages are not that way. They are based on getting the other person to fit your criteria. Thus the reason I say tell early and tell often. Dressing (and associated quirks) was never a reason in my relationships for any arguments (yes there were arguments...every relationship has them).

So to the OP, keep your chin up. There are women out there who will embrace the whole you. As long as you are up front. Life is too short to waste chasing a unicorn you want to make into a donkey. To be a spouse you need to be a good friend first and foremost.

[Tomara]

I couldn't agree more , Lorileah wrote ,

I disagree that SO's who accept "us" are rare. I think it is far more complicated than that. You have to find someone who loves you no matter what. Here I think that too many marriages are not that way. They are based on getting the other person to fit your criteria. Thus the reason I say tell early and tell often. Dressing (and associated quirks) was never a reason in my relationships for any arguments (yes there were arguments...every relationship has them).

I hid my dressing for a good part of my life as well but when finally accepted myself and my dressing as a positive part of who I am as a person I also decided that I would tell anyone who I would want to share my life with , when I met that woman I told her my little secret and to my surprise she was not only very understanding but also supportive and accepting of me .
My thought would be if you are honest and open with that special person and your willing to make some comprimises you can in fact find a S/O who will accept you and your cross-dressing .
Good luck to you Linda Crossed

[PretzelGirl]

Put me with the "They are out there" crowd. It seems to those that haven't received acceptance that there are none, and I feel for them. But there are plenty out there that do have accepting wives. Mine goes out with me to eat, shop, see movies, whatever. While in line at a Mall shop this weekend, she looked at me and said she wanted to kiss me right there. She doesn't care because it is me either way.

That doesn't mean a search will be easy. You never know. Even without crossdressing in the mix, it can take some time to find the right one. And that is what it is about, not finding acceptance, but finding the right one.

[Barbara Ella]

When you find the right person, it will really feel like you won the lottery. You wont realize that there are really many more out there, because you will stop right there.

Dont worry about your dressing getting in the way of your social life. It will ebb and flow. Just make sure that you try to maintain some social contacts. do not shut yourself away. But dont worry about finding Ms Right, too much pressure. Just bet social, and try to have fun. If you continue to do fun things (FUN, not risky) people will take notice and more will make themselves known to you. If you plan on telling them, do it right from the start, do not wait years and years. not a good recipe. If you are planning to be more "out" it might scare away caring women before they have had the chance to know you and develop an understanding. This knowledge takes time for the women to digest.

Dont concentrate on finding the woman. If you are doing the right things, she will find you. That's the way it always works, You chase them til they catch you.

Barbara

[Rhonda in Ocala Fl]

I have not read any replies yet, only your post but I'd like to give you some advice. If you're going to go looking for a girl to possibly have a serious relationship with take my advice and slowly let her in to the fact that you are a cross dresser, that you love it (as we all do) that you're never going to change (because I sense you'd be unhappy) and that you, being a great guy are a fantastic catch for any girl......but that she has to accept you as the way you are......for things to work out.