19 years ago today my Birth Mom and my Friend, passed away. It's kinda funny, and kinda sad at the same time, but even though I was only 10 when she died, I remember that day very clearly. Trust me, at times I have tried to forget. I have never reiterated that day to anyone else, so I am not going to start now.
All I will say is that it constantly feels like a part of me died that day; the part that I keep living every day. Everything I do each day around people feels surreal, like an act. I do this because I am expected to. It almost feels like I am on autopilot.
You know, as I write this I find more pain inside than with anything else I have written, and I know (feel?) that I shouldn't. It's not so much what I am writing, but the memories behind it. Memories that each day to some degree I wish I could purge from my mind.
Sometimes I am fine, other times I can wear my heart on my sleeve. Probably closer to the latter right now, although at the moment my sleeve is still dry.
They say that strength comes from within... I have been holding Candice in for so long that sometimes I wonder where my strength really comes from? I know Candice has always been there... you can even see it in old pictures of me, in my mannerisms.
I need to feel 'normal' for once and not question who or what I am. I need to not feel locked up within myself.
(And for those of you wondering from my previous thread, I did get a hold of a counselor and looks like I will be meeting up with her in the next couple weeks (gotta account for the $$))
Sorry, another misery style post on my part. I really should just keep my mouth shut during March and April. Feel free to /kickinrear me if you think I need it
I don't even know if there was a question above, or if I needed to vent.