Are you a MYSTERY unto yourself?

[Anne2345]

The Great Pyramid of Giza is an incredible feat of construction, a marvel of engineering, and an enduring testament to human ingenuity. How it was built is a mystery.

Stonehenge may have been a temple, a burial ground, an observatory, or maybe even some kind of ancient calendar. No one knows for sure. Its purpose is a mystery.

Since the 1940s, humankind has struggled with the murder of Colonel Mustard. Who killed him? In what room? And with what weapon? Was it Mrs. Peacock? Did she murder Colonel Mustard with the candlestick in the library? I do not know. Colonel Mustard’s demise is also a mystery.

The thing about life, though, is that it is replete with mysteries. Mysteries, in fact, abound. Mysteries are everywhere, and surround us. Mysteries challenge us, fascinate us, stimulate the senses, and offer a sense of adventure and purpose. Humanity has sought out the answers to mysteries throughout its existence, and continues to do so daily. Without mysteries, life would be untenably tedious, dreary, and unexciting.

Some excitement, however, I am beginning to believe I can do without. The mystery of who and what I am, and my gender identification, provides such an example. I was born a male. I was raised to be masculine. I should neither be feminine, nor seek out femaleness. I live in an unforgiving, ignorant, and fearful society, where deviation from the norm is frowned upon, and cast in a disparaging and disapproving light.

Yet, I am a mystery unto myself. Since early childhood, I have mysteriously fought the shackles of a predefined gender that society would imprison me in to my dying day. Against the word that others have arbitrarily preached, I have cut across the grain, and travelled a different path. In this, I inexplicably enjoy applying and wearing a generous coating of lipstick. I unfathomably find it delightful to don a nice, feminine dress. I find it strangely appealing to denude my body of icky, masculine hair. It perplexes me to no avail that I want my own vagina and breasts. And it feels startlingly right to tuck him away.

All of these thoughts, desires, and emotions constitute a portion of my own personal mysteries. I do not know why I am this way, I just know that I am this way. The funny thing is, I have spent much time trying to figure it out, but to what end? I am no closer to an answer now than I was before, and I see no answer in sight. I do, for whatever it is worth, believe I am better off for the effort. I am just a hell of a lot more tired, drained, and mentally exhausted than I otherwise would be had I not put in the effort to solve these mysteries in the first place.

As a result of my fruitless efforts, though, I believe I am slowly but surely moving away from a need to know. In this, the mystery of my being is taking on less importance than it previously has. Perhaps, after all, it is better to simply accept myself for my own transgendered nature and essence than it is to fight a seemingly losing battle for understanding as to why I am this way. If, for the sake of argument, acceptance and understanding are somehow mutually exclusive, is it not better to ultimately accept one’s self than to understand one’s self?

What do you think? Are you a mystery unto yourself? Do you seek answers? Are you content and at peace with yourself? Does it even matter to you why you are who you are?

[kimdl93]

For me the question'why ' is a matter of satisfying my intellectual curiosity on the subject. Of course the precise 'why ' can't be known for any of us...just the general range of possible explanations. None of that changes my personal situation. And having an explanation isn't a prerequisite for self acceptance. I know I am transgendered and accept that fact. More recently I've learner to accept myself on a more emotional and less clinical level. Knowing why doesn't even figure in the process .

[Sandra1746]

My story is quite similar to yours. Exactly "why" I do the things that "feminize" me. in opposition to the norms of society I really can't say.

What I can say is that I have accepted that it is real and that I am transgendered; whatever the definition of that term really is. Understanding the "why" may be forever a mystery but accepting the "reality" is probably the best I can expect at this time. Perhaps understanding will come with time.

We must keep on the path, however difficult or uncertain of destination.

Hugs,
Sandra1746

[rachaelsloane]

Anne,
Your post gets to the point I have always said, "Why worry about it, and just enjoy it." There are way too many events in our lives that we do need to worry about, such as what wine am I going to have with dinner (just kidding).
Rachael

[StacyPump]

I AM a mystery unto myself, and I do seek answers. It does matter why I am who I am....I think, probably because I am not at peace. Anne, I think your post really makes me wonder. Learning to be at peace with who I am is my challenge. I'm not sure what it will take to get there, but I think conversations like these really do help.

...is it not better to ultimately accept one’s self than to understand one’s self?

That's good stuff right there.
Thanks.

[NathalieX66]

Nope....just kind of aggravated.
I'm someone who's trying to grow my hair out to something glamorous, and doing all sorts of hair removal (beard laser & electrolysis, then chest, etc), goes out a couple times a month en femme & loves pedicures, shopping, and wrestles with being a normal guy in the coprorate world. I like both worlds, and it's just aggravating.....oh, did I tell you how aggravated I am?

[Jacqueline Winona]

Welcome, welcome, welcome back Anne! You always make me think about things that I just do, and that's a good thing. I guess the answer is, yes, I'm just a little more likely to say WTF am I so interested in this, and WTF was I thinking when I nearly told that woman at my office that her shoes were cute! My standard "I just am" answer seems really inadequate but it is all I can ever think of.

[Marleena]

"This above all: To thine own self be true, and it must follow - as the night the day - thou cans't not be false to any man."

[PretzelGirl]

I go with Rachel. A mystery is only that if you are curious about what is hidden. If you aren't worrying about it, then it isn't much of a mystery, is it? Kind of like reaching zen.

[NathalieX66]

I go with Rachel. A mystery is only that if you are curious about what is hidden. If you aren't worrying about it, then it isn't much of a mystery, is it? Kind of like reaching zen.

me likes

[Nitas]

I've been dressing and wearing makeup since I was very young and never really never bothered analyzing why I do what I do…it just feels right and makes me happy so I don’t question it.

[sissystephanie]

I do not feel that I am a mystery to myself! I may be a mystery to others, but that is their problem, not mine! Most, if not all, the problems mentioned in the OP exist primarily in the minds of those CD's who think they exist. Society is not the cold, heartless entity that many would have us believe.

For the past 7 years I have been going out in public almost every day dressed totally enfemme.But I wear no wig or makeup! Therefore, I appear as a man wearing feminine clothes, usually a skirt and top or a dress! Sure I get looks! But I don't care. I dress to please myself, not the general public. And in that 7 year period I have not heard one single negative comment made!! I have had ,lots of compliments on my outfits!!

If you like what you do, then why question why you do it? It is your life. so go with it!!

[Diane Smith]

I sort of like being known as a "woman of mystery." It's a license to do all kinds of things my guy side is inhibited from trying.

- Diane

[KellyJameson]

For me everything you do and want to do seems perfectly natural and normal and I wonder why more don't

The proof of what we are is in the behavior so the only question is why but the whys are many and varied and each person has been placed on this path from and by different influences and will arrive in different locations at different times so no two stories are exactly alike.

For me I can go back to my emotional essence, that energy that quided my behavior when I was three, four,ect... all the way to now and this essence is what makes me into what I am today.
I have no doubt in my mind I was shaped by forces beyond my control or understanding.

I personally think Anne has always been inside you but you will not find this truth using logic. Only by closing your eyes and going back in time and remembering with your whole body will you discover the path that has brought you here. It is not memories of what happened but of how you were feeling when it happened, your natural emotional response to the world that you kept hidden even sometimes from yourself. It is an act of emotional remembering without thought.

My response to the world and the worlds response to me was the common thread, always at odds because I looked like one thing but was another so expectations were impossible for me to meet leading to severe anxiety made worse by my brain/mind responding negatively to the testosterone my body produced starting at puberty. I was being attacked on two fronts, society and my body and have spent many years running from both without hope of escape.

Clues to the problem were everywhere but what good are the answers if you do not know the question so we have to work backwards to find the truth and this truth cannot be proven so becomes a leap of faith, gut instinct, intuition, ect... I have a fairly good idea of the what,why's and how's but also no way to know for sure.

For me the important thing was stopping the behavior that was causing me and others pain, (pretending to be able to think/feel/act in typical male fashion or even close to it) accepting the gifts but also the limitations. I do not force myself to do or be what I am not and this has brought me a great deal of peace. Trying to be normal was killing me because I was trying to be and do the opposite of what I am.

I have enough answers to untangle why my life has been so chaotic and so I am better able to protect myself from me by making fewer bad choices. This for now is enough to allow me to accept the mysteries of me that will never be solved. The question now is what do I want for my future.

[suzy1]

“Does it even matter to you why you are who you are?”

I couldn’t give a toss! I am to busy enjoying life.

SUZY

[Foxglove]

If, for the sake of argument, acceptance and understanding are somehow mutually exclusive, is it not better to ultimately accept one’s self than to understand one’s self?

I don't believe that acceptance and understanding are mutually exlusive. It's possible to accept yourself or someone else without understanding yourself or that other person, just as it's possible to understand yourself or someone else without accepting yourself or that other person.

But sometimes in order to accept yourself, it helps to understand yourself. E.g., one thing that I've always disliked about myself is that I'm a very angry person. But I believe now that I'm beginning to see where that anger comes from. I can see that it was pretty much inevitable. And knowing where it comes from can help me soften it perhaps.

I've noted that in my own family there are a number of angry people, along with others who are constantly simmering. Having learned something of my family history, it's no surprise to me that some of us are angry people.

There's this point, too: people who don't understand themselves can cause great harm to others. E.g., there are parents who are quite hard on their children. They may tell themselves that children need discipline, children need rules, etc., in order to become good people. In fact, they may be imposing iron discipline on their kids because of some personality defect within themselves. By refusing to explore themselves, to learn what is going on inside them, they make their own children seriously unhappy. In my view, that's a crime. I believe that self-knowledge is a moral obligation when your behavior is going to affect others.

All of us often do things to others that cause them unhappiness. If we came to understand our motives for doing such things, maybe we'd cause others less unhappiness.

I think that we're all mysteries to ourselves. I don't think many people really understand themselves, their behavior or their motives. But people are different. Some like to figure themselves out, some don't. It's a question of one's personality.

I'm one of those who likes to figure herself out. But it isn't easy. It's always tempting to accept the easy explanation, especially if it's one that's flattering to me or absolves me of something. I think I like figuring things out because I grew up in an environment where nothing made sense.

It's up to you, Anne. If you like delving into mysteries, then do it. No point in trying to deny what you are. That's something a lot of us have done too much of, isn't it?

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Sara Jessica]

Your post Anne reminds me of a song lyric which I used to have on my footer...

No way to understand why I've become the way I am. When the skies are filled with stars, I find the place inside my heart.

So there lies the answer, or how I managed to brush the mystery aside. Since there is no way to truly understand "why", I have moved on to more important things, like deciding what I'm going to do at DLV and what to take with me.

But at the same time, I do find this whole thing to be vastly surreal. A big reason for this is that we have a POV that is conceptually and utterly foreign to 99.whatever% of the population. The fact that more often than not I cherish who I am and my POV is utterly surreal to me.

Nope....just kind of aggravated.
I'm someone who's trying to grow my hair out to something glamorous, and doing all sorts of hair removal (beard laser & electrolysis, then chest, etc), goes out a couple times a month en femme & loves pedicures, shopping, and wrestles with being a normal guy in the coprorate world. I like both worlds, and it's just aggravating.....oh, did I tell you how aggravated I am?

If you haven't figured it out Nathalie, I love reading your words because it sometimes seems like we are living the same life. Such is a middle path existence which can be so very fulfilling on both sides of the path, yet equally aggravating at times. And that doesn't even count the painful cycles where the longing for transition can be overwhelming. As long as I can keep those at bay, I can be right there with you, appreciating both worlds that I live in. Kind of surreal, isn't it?

Back to Anne, you are in such a neat place with the world dawning before you in ways you can only begin to dream about. But like I've told you before, I feel like you are running in place. I love your thoughts and that you share your words so eloquently but even more so, I love to read about progress on your part, the steps you take in this wonderful world of ours, because really, the middle path can be yours as well if you can work those tales of fulfillment into your own situation and allow yourself to blossom. At that point, the mystery will no longer be so relevant.

[Julia_in_Pa]

No, I know exactly who and what I am.

I am very successful and at peace with who I am because I did something about it.


Julia

[shoelover80]

Funny and philosophical! Yes, it's a true mystery in my own mind and I've found it considerably less burdensome to analyze less and live more. Thanks for posting Anne!

[Marleena]

Anne give yourself a big hug and enjoy being you.

[GingerLeigh]

In regards to crossdressing, the question as to "Why?" seems less important than the question "What am I gonna do about it?" and the biggest mystery here is "Where is this going to take me?" Aaaaaagh...too many unanswered questions. Just enjoy it and blow off anyone that thinks you less a person for it.

[LeaP]

What do you think? Are you a mystery unto yourself? Do you seek answers? Are you content and at peace with yourself? Does it even matter to you why you are who you are?

Gender is a mystery for sure. I would like to know why I am the way I am. The only way I could see that knowledge changing anything would be to trace my gender issues to a psychological issue amenable to treatment. I have no reason to suspect that's the case, however.

It might be useful to know about an intersex condition (mosaicism, for example). That wouldn't change anything for me, but would probably prove useful in providing a justification of sorts to others. Unless insurance will pay for a karyotype, I won't be chasing down that path.

I have not sought answers as to source in therapy. The focus there has been to clarify and eliminate complicating factors and to explore other things outside the scope of this thread.

I'm neither content nor at peace with myself.

In the end, it doesn't really matter why I am as I am. The question is what to do about it.

I don't want to shortchange the importance of fully understanding gender issues themselves. Mine are such that knowing their depth, extent, and influence on my personality, character, and actions is necessary, regardless of WHY they are as they are. Resolving those questions is critical to my quality of life and that of those around me, particularly my wife and family.

Lea

[suchacutie]

The mystery is, "why did it take 55 years to find Tina?"

that's one mystery we'll never solve. Like Suzy, we just take the next day as it arrives!

[Aprilrain]

There are several reasonable theory's as to why a person winds up TS. Personally I like the chemical/genetic explanation, it's sufficiently sophisticated enough to satisfy my scientific synapses while still being simple and plausible. In a nut shell, at some point in the fetuses development an abnormal wash of hormones cases certain genes to turn "on" then "off" at the "wrong" time and or for an abnormal length of time thus permanently imprinting the conditions for an opposite to birth sex, sex identity. The sex component is what makes it transSEXuality. Sex being, primary and secondary sex characteristics. Gender is a societal construct that is secondary to sex characteristics for TSes. Anne, you said yourself that it Perplexes you that you want your own boobs and vagina. May I ask why?? If you are transsexual as you have stated yourself to be than it is perfectly natural for you to want your body to reflect your mental sex.

[Kate Simmons]

I used to be Anne but not any more. Not sure about Col. Mustard but I know everything about the Great pyramid and Stonehenge and they are not mysteries to me. Once we de-mystify who we are we can only move forward.