Coming Out to My Sister?

[AliceMeetsTheWizard]

I really can't come out to my parents. My father would never understand really, and my mother would just honestly rather not know. But I feel like my sister would get it, my question is this...should I just tell her verbally or open the door dressed an say "surprise!"? She is the closest family member I have and I dislike having to "hide" things before she comes over. I ask because I am generically a smartass by nature and I worry that if I just tell her she'll think I'm making a joke and am not serious at all. Thoughts? Suggestions?

[MandyGG]

Can I ask how old you and your sister are?

Is it really necessary to tell someone right now? Do you have others in your life that you can confide in? When I was younger, if my brother had come out to me, I would not have taken it easily. We were very close, but my immature mind would not have known how to process the information with logic, empathy, or understanding. Many younger people still have main stream thoughts that were embedded into them. It takes life, growth, trials, and errors to make us see past black and white. However. If you are in your 20's, and so is your sister, then by all means tell her. But, don't throw it in her face. After telling her, ask her if she would LIKE to see you enfemme. Give her the option of letting it be her decision on when she is ready to see the other part of you.

[AliceMeetsTheWizard]

I'm 25, she's 24. And it is a bit of rushing things, I do have a fantastically supportive friend who is helping me but in the relatively short time I've had one person to speak to about it I have been generically happier, more confident and more content...a part of me feels a little guilty to not tell her because we share everything else. I'm not sure, I'll probably wait...maybe indefinitely idk.

[MandyGG]

Do not keep it from her if you feel she can handle it! If you feel that she can be a support and confidant then sit that girl down and talk to her.

I am sorry that I don't know your back story, so I have to ask questions... Forgive me. Are you a CDer or a TS? Are you gay? If so, does she already know? Are you wanting to live as a woman or is this your other side and you will continue to live life presented as a man? Because, if you are a straight CDer, wanting to drink beer and watch sports then the conversation should be relatively easy. Coffee one afternoon. But, if you are going to spring a new life on her, you might want to plan a day around it!

[AliceMeetsTheWizard]

CDer, straight. I will continue to present as a man for almost everything, but I'm gonna start going out as a woman. It's not quite as big a life change as a TS or if I was gay...but I live in Arkansas and my family is...well...Arkansan. I wonder If it is better to leave her in the dark so she doesn't have to actively hide it from the rest of my family. She would if I asked her to...I know this, but to ask that? Is it a show of faith in her, or "burdening" (bad word choice sorry) with a secret she doesn't actually absolutely need to know?

[MandyGG]

<- Texan. I know where you are coming from! All you had to do was say Arkansas, and I got it! Lol!

If you don't feel that she has to know, then there is no rush telling her. You don't have to. This is your secret. As long as you include her in everything else that you do, she won't know the difference. Keep her included when you meet a girlfriend, have a baby, buy your first house. Keep her in your life and she will always be there for you. You will again have to make this terrifying decision later, when you meet the right girl and you WILL tell her.

Now, if you are wanting to present as a woman on occasion, but you don't want people that you know to see, you might have to travel out of your area. If this is something that you will have to do alone, then maybe telling her will aide in your safety. That way someone knows where you will be. If you already have a safe system lined up, good for you!

I sound like a mother.... Oh yeah! I am one! Lol!


Edited to add: you mentioned wanting to travel on Bree's post. Dallas isn't too terrible of a drive, and there is a great "gay friendly" area there (Oak Lawn area) I know you arent gay, but being dressed is easier in those places when you are just getting out. Look into it.

[AliceMeetsTheWizard]

I appreciate the advice, very much so. I've been looking for suggestions of places to possibly vacation. Obviously bigger cities not in the south would be a plus. I don't like having to "migrate" but I'm willing to do what I must.

[MandyGG]

I edited my post with an option, and I am sure that others will have some great ideas for you. Heck, I am sure some of them would want to meet up!

Good luck to you! I hope I helped.

[Rachel Flowers]

my question is this...should I just tell her verbally or open the door dressed an say "surprise!"?

Oh good grief no! Surprises are never good. You'll be enough of a surprise as it is, don't add to it by making it a confrontation situation. Tell her you're going to have a conversation about something serious. Sit her down and tell her straight. Let her take it in and ask her if she wants to see any of your stuff, or if she wants to see Alice. Give people control over how and how quickly they adapt to your news and they'll be far better than if you jsut explode the lot in their face in half a second.

[Stephanie-L]

Great thread, especially for me right now. I am going to be going through the same thing in a few weeks. I do not live anywhere near the rest of my family and only get a chance to see them about 1 or 2 times a year. I have decided not to tell my parents because they are older and rather ill, why stress their last few days with my problems. I have 4 siblings, but am only close to 1. The rest I don't talk to unless I have to, but my one sister and I are close. So I have decided to tell her next time I am visiting, I know she won't tell the rest of the family, and I would rather not tell her over the phone. I toyed with the idea of just meeting her at the hotel room door fully done up, but I agree, having a chat about it and offering her the option of seeing me en femme is a better idea. She knows I am getting a divorce and I have been hinting that we have to have a talk when I am in town, but I bet she thinks that is only about our parents or my marriage. BTW, I am in early transition, not living full time yet, hopefully in a year or 18 months. Thanks for starting this thread, already it has helped me.......Stephanie

[PretzelGirl]

Whether to tell a sibling is a very personal thing. There are some that ask why tell if you don't have to and that is a good consideration. Only you know whether telling them is right or not.

But I want to echo the voices on surprising her by being dressed. I can't imagine any situation where this is a good thing. We talk about how when you tell someone, that you have to answer questions that they have and let things proceed at their pace. If you shock someone by being dressed unexpectedly, you throw it right up in their face. You may may put them right back on their heels as they won't know what is up. And instead of hopefully working through an understanding conversation, you may be making them defensive which is certainly not something you want to do.

Good luck!

[Katesback]

As I said in another thread. What is the benefit for her to know? Do you think she really wants to know? More importantly is it for you to tell her, because I guarantee she has NO need to know this information. You can tell other trans people but your sister has no need to know.

[Michelle8]

I always wanted to tell my youngest sister because she is probably the only one in my family that would be Ok with it.
it would just be nice to have a sister to do female things with.But so far I've been afraid to do so

[DanaR]

If you decide to tell your sister, don't surprise her. Sometime when you two are just talking, you'll know when the time is right, tell her. You might try to figure how she might react first, before coming out to her though. This is a hard call, coming out to anyone in your family. You can never go back. So whatever the reaction is, that might be how they view you for a long time.

[kimdl93]

No surprise ...just have coffee and tell her. Be considerate and hope for the best.

[Dena]

As I said in another thread. What is the benefit for her to know? Do you think she really wants to know? More importantly is it for you to tell her, because I guarantee she has NO need to know this information. You can tell other trans people but your sister has no need to know.

Something to think about, I came out to two of my sisters and while they are accepting, it doesn't come up because it isn't a part of our relationship.

[Jilmac]

My fourth sister is five years younger than me but understands me better than the others. When I came out to her we were having lunch in a restaurant as brother and sister (I was in guy mode) and I showed her pictures of Jill, told her that I'd been dressing since age 16, and have a closet full of femme clothes, wigs, etc. Her reaction was that of indifference and her comment was "you have a damn good figure for a guy".

Try using the picture approach with your sister, you might be pleasantly surprised by her reaction.

[EjayeCD]

I came out to my sister, but never dressed in front of her. She felt sort of guilty. The reason being was that when I was 5-6, there were no boys my age to play with in my neighborhood, so I played with my sister & her friends. It was always girl games including dressing up in gowns, heels, makeup & we would play all day. Hell I was hooked at a young age. I never stopped even after a few years when the novelty wore off for her. I wold secretly dress in her clothing, which got more sexy with age. I never stopped dressing.

[Tina B.]

I came out to my big brother, not by choice, but during my divorce, my brother was in the audience when she tried to use it against me, about visitation. Since I was riding with him, I had to explain what was being talked about. We shared a bedroom for years, but he never had an idea, it's not the kind of thing that would have ever crossed his mind. When I finished explaining what it was about, all he said was," oh". Until he died a few years ago, it never came up again, and no one else in the family has ever given any sign, that he ever told anyone, if he had, in my family, I would have heard. He also never treated me any different than he ever did, it just never became an issue for him.
Tina B.

[YorkshireRose]

As has been mentioned before, I think a whole "Surprise!!" kind of coming out would be a bad idea, would leave her shell shocked at least imo. The way I came out out to my good lady, was buy gauging her opinion on the subject of CDers first, to test her response. Had she been very negative then I wold have known to keep it to myself. If your sister responds well, then gently ease it into the conversation. That would be my thoughts. Good luck anyway!

Hugs Charlotte

[Barbara Ella]

The question of whether another family member really needs to know and take on the requisite mental baggage (good or bad) is an important thing to go over very thoroughly in your mind. If you are close with your sister, and often talk, and you feel she may provide a friendly shoulder, go ahead, but no surprises. If you are not close, it becomes more problematic. If you think she is a willing/understanding person who could be compassionate i would go ahead. If you are not sure, and just looking for someone to confide in, i would hesitate.

In the end it is your decision, and I wish you nothing but best outcomes, but no surprises.

Barbara