"Coming Out" from 1 wife's point of view

[Marleena]

@ Erin'swife, thanks for sharing all of this with us. It shows us the difficulties a wife can have dealing with "us". It ain't no picnic, that's for sure.

Earlier you mentioned the difficulty dealing with and competing for attention with the "other woman" in the relationship. There is no other woman she is part of his being and has been there all along.

It's like Mother Nature played a cruel joke on us. We had no choice in the matter anymore than the eye color we ended up with. We can fight it all we want but it can't or won't go away. It can be a never ending struggle. I gave into it as being part of who I am. Only now am I finding peace with myself after years of internal struggles.

Many accepting SO's will end up up with the best partner imaginable if they can overcome the obstacles put in the way.

[tara t]

personaly speaking i know i love my wife more than anything else in the world, i know id give up anything and change everything for her. she knows this too, we are a long time together and really wouldn't survive without each other.im monogamous and i have no desire to be with anyone else male or female . there have been countless opportunity's where i could have cheated but i never have nor would .
she also knows when i give up "tara" i slowly become depressed and miserable , its not something i do on purpose and ill try not to let it happen but it will happen anyway . emotionally i start becoming slightly numb , ill end up drinking way more than i should and ill get back into the macho type life .she wont get as much attention and care and ill generally run myself into the ground . burying my feelings/emotions doesn't work, god knows ive tried so hard so many times . we both know this route is detrimental to both my health and our relationships health . at the moment we are in some sort of middle ground,i don't hide anything from her and if she asks a question she gets an honest answer . i wear nightdresses to bed and spend most the time cuddling her .its not a turn on for her but then its not a turn on for me either really, ill spend an average night wrapped around her cuddling her, whispering sweet nothings in her ear while she sleeps, ive lost a lot of sleep this way and ill happily lose a lot more .
im rambling a bit , i think what im trying to say it that id give up anything for my wife but we both realize that this is something that i should not give up .

[MandyGG]

To me, before accepting (or at least acknowledging) that it was "Mother Nature", I believed that it was a choice. I wanted to think that he could love me enough to never have the thought of doing it again. That "I" was the one woman that was missing from him. Why couldn't he give it up for me forever? I wondered if I could satisfy the craving. I became obsessed with "satisfying" him sexually, because I had wrongfully assumed that it was sexually driven. That it was more of a fetish, rather than a part of his being. The first thing I had ever read about CDing 2 years ago stated that even when it is purged it is still there. That frustrated me. I wanted to believe that HE was different. That he could live without it. I actually had myself pretty convinced that it was working. He had me convinced that it was working. Then I opened the box, and let him show her to me, and I had never seen him more excited. I realized at that moment, what I had known all along but didn't want to admit, that this was what he needed.

Please do not get the idea that we had a bad marriage. Every single aspect of our lives, excluding the crossdressing, has been filled with happiness and laughter. This part of it is so small compared to every other thing that we have done. It just seems as though it is a priority because it is what I am talking about right now. When I log off, I will call him while on my way to pick the kids up. We will plan dinner. We will figure out what random TV we are going to watch when the kids wind down. We will laugh at something that one of them did. We will be who we always are.

I also want to explain something that might have been confused. He did NOT cheat on me. He came out to me within the first few months of our relationship. He wanted no secrets, and I get that. So, all that he had done in his past, was just that. His past.

[monalisa]

It was good to hear and see the Wife's feelings and thoughts as we sometimes lose track of the significant other in our lives and how our crossdressing will and has affected them. At least now you know and over time it will be easier to talk about everything moving forward. Sometimes crossdressing is our escape from the stresses of being a man and the responsibilites we place on ourselves. Realize we also have guilt feelings sometimes and do not want to hurt anyone especially loved ones. If you can just look past the clothing it is still the man that you love.

[Marleena]

I also want to explain something that might have been confused. He did NOT cheat on me. He came out to me within the first few months of our relationship. He wanted no secrets, and I get that. So, all that he had done in his past, was just that. His past.

Please do not get the idea that we had a bad marriage. Every single aspect of our lives, excluding the crossdressing, has been filled with happiness and laughter. This part of it is so small compared to every other thing that we have done. It just seems as though it is a priority because it is what I am talking about right now. When I log off, I will call him while on my way to pick the kids up. We will plan dinner. We will figure out what random TV we are going to watch when the kids wind down. We will laugh at something that one of them did. We will be who we always are.

.

This is also a key. A good marriage can survive this. Sometimes women marry an a$$hole that just happens to be a CD then rant about all CD's. I'm sure you've seen this.

Thanks for sharing all of this. Btw my wife is totally okay with what Mother Nature did to me, she understands it's not something I chose. I'm not mad at Mother Nature anymore because I enjoy what she gave me... finally.

[BRANDYJ]

Dearest ErinsWife. You are one fantastic women with a very loving heart. It goes without saying, you have come a long way from the day I read your intro to this forum. Your desire to learn, to accept and to support your husband is without a doubt, the best way to express your love for him. He is a very lucky man...CD or no CD.

[Julie Martin]

Erin'sWife:

Thank you. Your story is incredibly powerful on so many levels, and is easily the most illuminating thing I have read anywhere about this whole issue. Your husband is very lucky to have a woman who loves him as much as you do. In addition to pouring your heart out and sharing your deepest fears, pain, anger, yet obviously enormous love for your husband, for me your story rips the "pink veil" away and shines a bright light on the most difficult aspects of all of this for me personally: the affect on the people I love.

Along with all of the beautiful and supportive parts of your posts, it' very powerful, gut wrenching, and very important that you also shared your frustration and anger, and justifiably so. Speaking only for myself, what you expressed in your FAB post is exactly how I feel about myself around this, and to see these raw emotions through your eyes is actually welcome for me. As one of many here who has battled this demon for a lifetime, though sometimes totally embraces it, it at times feels like I imagine being an alcoholic must feel like: recognizing that potentially great harm can come from it both to ourselves and those we love, wanting to overcome it once and for all, but feeling powerless and weak when it's grip reasserts itself.
This is a very personal gut reaction for me, and only a very few others may feel this way. But in addition to being both heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time, your words hit home in a way that only words from a woman in your situation could. I needed to hear this, and I'm so glad you said it.
I wish you and your husband the very best.

[sherri]

The thing I'd like to hear more about is what can your husband do at this point to make his gender expression more tolerable for you? You have talked about your own efforts to cope and accommodate, but from your perspective, how can he make it easier for you, and is there any way he could make the whole thing not just bearable, but actually pleasant and meaningful for you?

Also, your comments make it obvious there is a sexual element of this for him. That's just natural -- we're sexual creatures and there's no reason to expect the sex to turn off while he's dressed. The stuff you found on the computer is a phase many CDers go through, but imo the online thing is not appropriate for a married man, so I hope that together y'all can move him past that. He owes that to you. Just sayin', there's that to think about.

Finally, another very natural aspect to gender expression is the desire to, well, express -- to function and interact as a femme person. We are after all highly social creatures. However, the cultural stigma affects you too, not just him. So if this comes up you shouldn't be surprised or alarmed, but you have the right to expect him to conduct himself in a way that will not negatively affect your family. Can the two of you work together to address this need in a fun but responsible way?

Those are the things I thought of while I read your post. Thank you for reaching out. Your side of the story is a very important part of the equation. xoxo

[Bree Wagner]

My feminine side is a part of me, the me that loves my wife. There is no competition at all. When I'm en femme with my wife our interaction may be a bit different, but my wife remains the center of my universe.

Well said Eryn! That's absolutely the perfect way to express those feelings.

-Bree

[MandyGG]

Dearest ErinsWife. You are one fantastic women with a very loving heart. It goes without saying, you have come a long way from the day I read your intro to this forum. Your desire to learn, to accept and to support your husband is without a doubt, the best way to express your love for him. He is a very lucky man...CD or no CD.

Oh my sweet Brandy.... if only you knew how much I love you! You were willing to talk to me. You were willing to help. No one else (with male parts) did that back then. Only you. You will continue to be one of my favorite people.


Sherri,

Yes, there are sexual elements to his dressing. We are working through those now. It is give and take really. I have to have the bra come off, he has to keep the panties on. We will find our way. However, I may have not been clear in the opening post, but he did not cheat on me. He did his "bi" thing right before we reconnected. So, it was still fresh, but not something that hurt me technically. I was only hurt by the fear of thinking he was gay and using me as a cover. He has been nothing but faithful.

Now, about the "more tolerable". Well, I would rather it be a non-issue, but since it is present I have to deal with it. As long as he continues to show me that he loves me, treats me with respect, cares about my feeling, and respects my wishes in our ground rules, I will be fine. I cannot handle any outfit or photo that makes him look like "a low class street walker". I don't mind him wanting to feel sexy, but there is a thin line between sexy and trashy. I don't want that line crossed. Is it so wrong for me to want him to look decent? If I am to find him attractive, then he needs to work with me on what is attractive to me. What I made sure that I told him was that if we are doing this, then he has to stay in my comfort zone. The comfort zone can grow. It is not set in stone. I have proved to him and myself that I CAN and WILL grow with this. I can't open the door just a crack and have my world be flooded. I need time to process each step. He understands that. Which, I guess is why I fear the "Pink Fog" so much. I can't handle the thought that if someone gives you an inch, you take a mile. It's all growth. I just have to take the blows as they come. He is handling this and me beautifully. He only talks about it when I bring it up. He isn't bombarding me with "NOW NOW NOW". He is answering questions with open honesty. He is doing everything that I have asked from him.

Edited to add:

I needed to hear this, and I'm so glad you said it.
I wish you and your husband the very best.

You made my heart skip a beat. It feels good to know I am doing the right things to help others. I appreciate you. I hope the best for you as well.

[Janelle_C]

That was honest and from the heart thank you. It made me think of what my wife is going throw. I'm in therapy now exploring my feelings and trying to make sence of them. My wife has known sence we been married but now I'm dressing most days. Your post made me stop thinking just of myself and think about what my wife is feeling thank you for that. She is trying we love each other and will find a way to work throw this. Janelle

[kimdl93]

I think you are a pretty darned remarkable wife. It seems that he made all sorts of mistakes, engaged in very questionable on-line behavior and then on top of it, failed to be fully open about himself when given the opportunity. And yet you took the initiative to learn about CDing and were able to rise above all that prior behavior. I'm frankly in awe of your great effort and remarkable tolerance. He's very lucky and I hope he can fully appreciate that fact.

[docrobbysherry]

E's wife. From a divorced man, one bit of advice.
I find your ability and desire to relate your feelings to us here unique and truly remarkable! However, the success of your relationship DOESN'T depend on you telling us, but on telling HIM! From your posts, I'm pretty confident u will!

But, he must be just as forthcoming to u. Which can be quite difficult for some men! As long as the 2 of u desire to communicate, your union should continue to work.

Once EITHER OF U decides to put it off for whatever reason, isn't willing to deal with the resulting hassles, or just can't be bothered, that's when most couple's problems REALLY BEGIN! I sincerely hope that never happens to u 2!

[Jennifer Monroe]

Just simply a beautifully written love story. I have compassion for both of these people and I wish you all the best! Thanks for sharing.

[Holly]

Erin's Wife, what a well thought out and expressed post. I especially appreciate the way you were able to honestly express your feelings without it resulting in hostility either toward your husband, yourself, or the CD community in general. You sound very much like my wife of 43 years (a testimony to her, not me, I assure you). What any of us wear does not define us, neither husbands nor wives/SO's. That originates very much from within the heart.

As you have discovered, this attachment many males have to feminine things is not usually a choice. It comes from deep within... from exactly where, I'm not sure myself. You mentioned that for you and your husband, there was a sexual component in his expression that the two of you were working on dealing with. For what it's worth, it is not all that uncommon. Also not uncommon is that it often dissipates. My wife has asked that Holly not be a part of our bedroom activities. I consider this a very reasonable boundary for her and I am more than happy to respect it.

I was wondering if it would be possible for you to go into a bit more detail or explanation of discovering your partner cross dresses verses your partner has hidden, kept things about himself from you and/or lied to you about this. My personal experience and observations of others over many years leads me to believe that is is the lack of honesty and NOT the transgender activity itself that causes the most damage in the majority of relationships. I would value your input on this.

On a personal note, I appreciate having you as a member of our community. You rock!

[Silentpartner GG SO]

ErinsWife, your post was so good to read - you've put into words so many things that I've felt and worried about but not been able to express. I can particularly relate to this:

I can't open the door just a crack and have my world be flooded.

I think one of my biggest fears is that my husband will suddenly decide he wants to dress 24/7.

I commend you for being so open and honest both about your relationship and your fears and for posting so eloquently - you have truly given the people here an insight into how many SO's feel - thankyou

[MandyGG]

I was wondering if it would be possible for you to go into a bit more detail or explanation of discovering your partner cross dresses verses your partner has hidden, kept things about himself from you and/or lied to you about this. My personal experience and observations of others over many years leads me to believe that is is the lack of honesty and NOT the transgender activity itself that causes the most damage in the majority of relationships. I would value your input on this.

Well, Holly, let me be honest for a second. Let me first say, that after learning everything that I can about it, it is a bit easier to deal with. But, the grit of the initial shock is a little harder to say without feeling guilty. But, I promised myself and others that whatever questions were asked, I would give my honest answer. So, I breathe, and now write.

Thought #1 (Denial) You are joking, right? Pulling my leg? You wanted to get a rise out of me! Silly husband!

Thought #2 (confusion) Wait. You were being serious?!?! Are you gay? Do you want a sex change?!?! Where the hell do I fit into this?!?!

Thought #3 (feelings of judgement) This doesn't happen to people like me! I went to Catholic School! I was raised in a home where my parents stayed together, and still are! This happens to (socially embedded stereotypes) rapists, pedophiles, and people that are mentally ill! This doesn't happen to me! This isn't something that I was supposed to be concerned about! This doesn't happen to a wife of manual labor, blue collar, average joe!!! OMG! What the hell are my parents going to think?!? What is my brother going to say?!?! OMG. OMG. OMG.

Thought #4 (denial) He can get rid of it. It's a disease. It is a choice. He can change it. He WILL change it.

All of those thoughts happened within minutes of the words exiting his lips. I was at a loss. I feel horrible for thinking them now, because I am educated on the issue. I had never thought myself as a simple minded person. I am very intelligent. But, on this matter, I was plain and simple.... Stupid.

[Kaz]

Gobsmacked! All I can say... Thank you Erin's wife... this really helped a whole lot. Awesome post!

[MandyGG]

docrobbysherry,

Thankfully, I have been able to tell him every single thing that is written here. He knows every detail about my feelings. It took me 2 years to word it, but I did it. I am thankful to find myself getting through all of this, and coming out a little bruised, a little scratched, a few minor head bumps, and even more in love than before. He is a quiet man, but he finds it in himself to give me answers when they arise. I am proud of him for it.

[PretzelGirl]

I also want to thank you. Telling a story like this is a tough thing to do. You showed us some deep feelings and how you worked through it. Every relationship is different and I believe that by hearing these stories, we each get a better understanding of how we impact others and how we should be considering them in what we do. In the end, love does win out but it isn't always the smoothest of roads. I am glad for the both of you as it shows the strength of your relationship and I hope that strength continues to grow so you can both be as happy as your wish to.

[MandyGG]

I am glad that I wrote it. If, by chance, I helped one CD understand his wife a little more, or appreciate her much more, than I did what I had hoped would happen when the opportunity arose. I really hope that I touched the heart of a wife, maybe just a lurker too affraid to become a member, and made her realize that she is not alone! That would be a dream.

[sherri]

All of those thoughts happened within minutes of the words exiting his lips. I was at a loss. I feel horrible for thinking them now, because I am educated on the issue. I had never thought myself as a simple minded person. I am very intelligent. But, on this matter, I was plain and simple.... Stupid.

Whoa, you are being way, way too hard on yourself. There was nothing wrong or stupid about your reactions. Those are all legitimate concerns and feelings, especially at the moment of discovery. I'll go even further and say that I hope your hubby's interest is very genuine and not just some fetishy thing, cuz it needs to be real to justify the challenges and changes it puts you through. If so, I really do believe that at some point you will discover an upside or two, not just a cross to bear.

[Rachel Schaedel]

Mods can we somehow get this thread stickied so that it doesn't get buried. I believe that everyone here should be able to read this and gain some valuable insight. I did and am glad I was fortunate to read it. EW, you are a wonderful person and I know that with your attitude and that of Erin's you both will be just fine. Your very lucky to have each other and share each others lives. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful message.

[Jay Cee]

Given what you found out about Erin, and his/her activities... I'd say you are a phenomenal person for sticking with him/her. A lot of spouses would have bailed, and that would be it. Maybe you didn't handle it in the most enlightened way at the start, but I hope you forgive yourself for that.

I wish you both success in your marriage. Thank you so much for sharing.

[renaej7]

This should be a must read for every spouse that finds themselves in your position. Thank-you a million times for sharing your story. I posted a thread several weeks ago about my journey with my spouse and how difficult it has been. This thread gives me hope.