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Thread: chaotic thinking

  1. #1
    The village Idiot Asako's Avatar
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    chaotic thinking

    If not for the barriers around my heart and emotions, I would probably be crying as I type this out. I can tell I'm upset by the way my thoughts are flowing. Yet, I don't FEEL that feeling one gets when they're upset. That in turn, only serves to upset me a bit more.

    I am transgendered to one degree or another. That much I know. Am I a transsexual? F!@#, I wish I knew. I enjoy the weight and feel of breast forms. Hell, sometimes I wish they weren't just forms. Other times, I don't even WANT to think about them. I wonder if that's because they're "in the way" at times. Yet, they stave off a serious amount of the depression. Heck, for the longest of times, I've been subconscious about my chest being "unclothed" at a place like the beach. I don't know how that plays into the rest of the above paragraph but I'm just typing my thoughts. It's better than keeping them bottled up. All I know is that I don't fit neatly into either binary. I went into therapy thinking I knew what I was but now, I don't have a flipping clue where this is going to go.

    My therapist asked me a good question about the emotional breakdowns. What was the emotional pain from? Part of it was from realizing that I've been setting myself up to fail at largely everything. The rest of it? I don't know. I don't know where that intense pain came from or why it chose that point in time to surface.

    Then there's the fact that up until about an hour ago, I was searching for an endo(AGAIN) and one thought crossed my mind that started this whole "I'm upset" thing. Something that deserves attention and consideration. "Why the hell am I looking for an endo? How is this going to help me?" The short answer is: I don't know. How can I act when I can't even justify to myself how doing something will be beneficial? Then there's the question that really upsets me. Am I unknowingly making another excuse to avoid doing something?

    Just what is WRONG with me? The more I attend therapy, the more I realize that it's not just gender that I'm confused or having trouble dealing with. At this point, all I can really do(that I'm aware of) is to keep seeing my therapist while trying to reinforce the GOOD habit of taking care of myself and pursuing my GED.

    After re-reading this, I get the feeling that I'm going to be in therapy for a very long time. It certainly gives me a little more of an understanding as to why I bury my mind into games and fantasy to avoid dealing with reality. Why face crap like these thoughts when you "don't have to"? I can't go back to just existing. So, I just keep on trucking through these thoughts and working them out the best I can. I just hope I don't EVER get hit by a depression truck like I did on Monday. That day just flat sucked all the way around.

    As for my avatar, that picture of me is staying. I can't hide behind what isn't real anymore. I don't know why but I just can't.
    If I don't make changes happen for a better tomorrow, then who will?

  2. #2
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Asako...



    sometimes that's all you can do....

    I hear you so loud and clear..

    Whats wrong with you??? NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Yes, you have a problem..you have an issue that is harming your quality of life..
    it's an existential issue that only 1 in ????? of us get blessed to face...but there is nothing wrong with you..

    you may feel anxious, depressed, alone (not just lonely..alone)..and many more things... but you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you...

    being "in" therapy can be very helpful for those of us with gender issues..i am a huge fan of finding transsexuals in your area to meet and talk to you...these women will not bulls**t you...

    I had incredible labyrinth's of illogical and dishonest inner dialogue for 40+ YEARS...I had a successful career, a marriage, raised kids....looking back, i don't know how i did it, but i did...and so will you..

    you can make it through this, take your time, dont make emotional decisions, manage your day to day life while you figure all this out...use your breakdowns to inform your actions when you are feeling better and when you can be more logical about them...
    you can do it!!

    i'm glad your pic is up..Its a pleasure to meet YOU (whoever you turn out to be!).

  3. #3
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    It sounds to me like you are making progress. You've figured out that there is a gender issue, that there are non-gender issues, you are aware of specific symptoms that compromise your quality of life, and you recognize some of your coping mechanisms. You also appear to see an avoidance pattern and see the impact of habitual behavior.

    Pretty good! And all in a single post. So, therapy for a long time? Maybe, but perhaps with greater clarity sooner than you think. Working with a therapist goes well beyond determining the issues.

    I'm happy to hear you don't wish to hide. Nice picture!

    Welcome.

    Lea
    Lea

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    Asako,

    Lea and Kaitlyn have already given you some solid advice.

    You need to be good to yourself Asako.
    More forgiving of you and less judgmental.

    Continue with therapy and eventually the tangled Christmas tree light string will become straight enough for you to follow it to where it needs to lead you.

    Be brave enough to admit confusion and be strong enough to do something about it Asako.


    Julia

  5. #5
    The village Idiot Asako's Avatar
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    @Kaitlyn:I'm nervous about the picture thing. I don't know why. If I were forced to answer why, I'd say it's because I've stepped out from behind what isn't real and have finally shown something real about me. When I look back at key moments of my life that shaped me, and potentially made me stronger, I see points in my life that hurt considerably. I wonder if that's where some of the barriers and false personality came from.

    Lea:I'm an introspective person by nature. I can't remember who else here runs their thoughts until they're mentally drained but I did listen to your advice to them. "Get out of your own head for a little." That helps tremendously when I simply can't bear the thoughts anymore. Like tonight, for example. I've spent half the night with my parents watching American Idol and Touch. We're going to be watching Awake soon. It's little moments like this that help me pull back from the issues for a moment and then, when I'm feeling fresher, come back to them. Your advice doesn't just help the person you give it to. It helps those that come across it as well.

    Julia:Remember your Velveteen Rabbit quote? It's true. Living can hurt. It can hurt a lot. Especially when one doesn't even know WHO or WHAT they are. I hope the tangled mess is untangled soon. I'm getting really sick of being depressed, sad, or what have you. I want what everyone else wants, even if they don't say it. I just want to live happily.
    If I don't make changes happen for a better tomorrow, then who will?

  6. #6
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Asako, Thanks for sharing this thread. I can sure relate to it, at almost 58. I seem unable to turn my mind off, even at night, and have been depressed, and sorrowful all my life. Now, my worst fear has come to pass, having to be with my dad, sister, and one older brother again, after i though i was 2000 miles away, and would not have to deal with them again! But, my older brother got out of prison, and is making my life miserable again, just like 40 yrs ago!! I thought life got better, but it has gotten bad again later in life. I go to a therapist, too, but nothing seems to help me. I know it helps, though, and support groups can help. I am getting my will finished soon. Suffering is all i know now.

  7. #7
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    I won't go in to giving you a lot of reasons for feeling the way you do because we all have different reasons. I think the others have said that quite well. You are learning more and more about yourself. The answers you are seeking live up there in your head. With the help of your therapist, only you can find the answers. Only you know what doors to open in there. When that happens your world will unlock itself. You have made a good start so far. Keep up the good work.

    P.S.
    Something I found of yours in another post may help you. "We can tear ourselves down so much better than ANYONE else can because we know exactly what we're sensitive about and HOW we're sensitive about things." Please, take your own advice and apply accordingly.
    Last edited by Jorja; 04-12-2012 at 11:02 PM.

  8. #8
    The village Idiot Asako's Avatar
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    Ugh....12:45am and still waiting for my hair to be mostly dry so I can apply moisturizer before bed.

    @Jorja:Ironically, that's something my mother tells me when I'm being hard on myself. She tells me that because I can overly critical with myself. I wonder if that's what I'm doing with the actions I want to take? Being critical of my actions is something I had learned from work: Criticize your routine to find ways to find more efficient methods of doing it. Guess it bled over into parts of my life?
    If I don't make changes happen for a better tomorrow, then who will?

  9. #9
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Asako View Post
    Lea:I'm an introspective person by nature. I can't remember who else here runs their thoughts until they're mentally drained but I did listen to your advice to them. "Get out of your own head for a little."
    That could be a reference to me. My thoughts don't go around and around, but the analysis never finishes either. See my threads about names for example -- and I did multiple layers of research that I didn't even write here about

    I am such a perfectionist that I don't consider myself to be a perfectionist: I don't try to be perfect just for the sake of being perfect, I just keep going until I'm sure, and I happen to be unusually creative about finding ways things can go wrong...

    Quote Originally Posted by Asako View Post
    I am transgendered to one degree or another. That much I know. Am I a transsexual? F!@#, I wish I knew.
    Oh oh, don't I know that feeling!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Asako View Post
    All I know is that I don't fit neatly into either binary. I went into therapy thinking I knew what I was but now, I don't have a flipping clue where this is going to go.
    I started gender therapy as a male cross-dresser who didn't understand why this cross-dressing felt so important. I was fortunate, in that my therapist didn't believe in labels or compartmentalizing and whom instead more or less said "Just be whatever you are and don't worry about what that is called." That having whatever mix of gender characteristics one has is fine, and that the important thing is "How do you want to live?" And how to figure that out? Experiment and see what you turn out to like. The results of my experiments certainly didn't turn out to match any pattern, and didn't turn out to match what I would have expected either.

    Quote Originally Posted by Asako View Post
    "Why the hell am I looking for an endo? How is this going to help me?" The short answer is: I don't know. How can I act when I can't even justify to myself how doing something will be beneficial? Then there's the question that really upsets me. Am I unknowingly making another excuse to avoid doing something?
    No, it doesn't sound like an excuse to me. I wasn't interested in HRT until some emotions hit me, and then I was. I know that I didn't have the most rational of reasons to try HRT, and I didn't know what HRT would do for me, but I was being pushed by unnameable internal pressures. I also had a reason: that I really needed to alleviate parts of my depression that anti-depressants couldn't reach, and there was a chance HRT would help; and did I want to continue to suffer with no known possible path, or did I want to give HRT a try, knowing I didn't have to continue it ? It was scary to move forward, but I gave it a try. And Yes! That darn cricket turned its volume way way down

    You don't know if you are female, but you are drawn to HRT anyhow? And you are suffering persistent gender stress? If so then Yes, trying HRT is considered legitimate. HRT can indeed treat gender dysphoria in some people. HRT has not made me feel any more like a woman than I did before, but the "exploding out" of my female side is so much less, and I am more comfortable with my body. As a significant reduction of gender stress, it was certainly worth it for me -- and the boobs were a nice bonus (though I wouldn't have minded bigger...)

    The appropriate treatment of gender dysphoria is that which substantially reduces your suffering. If you end up living as apparently male and end up happy with that, then Cool! And if you decide after consideration and trial that going full-time and surgeries are right for you, then that's good too. And if you end up like me, in the middle, "neither fish nor fowl" then if that is what works for you, go for it!

    You are The Republic Of Asako. It's your party, and you can be male or female or both or neither or whatever works at the time -- and you are allowed to change your mind.

    Quote Originally Posted by Asako View Post
    The more I attend therapy, the more I realize that it's not just gender that I'm confused or having trouble dealing with.
    For whatever reason (maybe gender maybe not) kids didn't associate much with me when I was growing up. My "socialization level" was much lower than is common. And it pretty much stayed that way, with me not knowing how to deal with the situation.

    This is an example of how tangled everything can get: something (possibly) gender related can end up substantially affecting something that is not gender specific. It isn't enough to just repair the gender: you need to work on many other aspects as well.

  10. #10
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    Yes I do remember that quote Asako.

    Living can and does hurt but in the end Asako it's not what you were able to do for a living or what you owned but how much you were able to give of yourself and in doing so you gain it all.
    The pain both mental and physical gives us clarity as to who and what we truly are.

    Be strong enough to see another day so you can continue to live the life you were given to live.

    Quote Originally Posted by Asako View Post
    @Kaitlyn:I'm nervous about the picture thing. I don't know why. If I were forced to answer why, I'd say it's because I've stepped out from behind what isn't real and have finally shown something real about me. When I look back at key moments of my life that shaped me, and potentially made me stronger, I see points in my life that hurt considerably. I wonder if that's where some of the barriers and false personality came from.

    Lea:I'm an introspective person by nature. I can't remember who else here runs their thoughts until they're mentally drained but I did listen to your advice to them. "Get out of your own head for a little." That helps tremendously when I simply can't bear the thoughts anymore. Like tonight, for example. I've spent half the night with my parents watching American Idol and Touch. We're going to be watching Awake soon. It's little moments like this that help me pull back from the issues for a moment and then, when I'm feeling fresher, come back to them. Your advice doesn't just help the person you give it to. It helps those that come across it as well.

    Julia:Remember your Velveteen Rabbit quote? It's true. Living can hurt. It can hurt a lot. Especially when one doesn't even know WHO or WHAT they are. I hope the tangled mess is untangled soon. I'm getting really sick of being depressed, sad, or what have you. I want what everyone else wants, even if they don't say it. I just want to live happily.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Asako View Post

    Lea:I'm an introspective person by nature. I can't remember who else here runs their thoughts until they're mentally drained but I did listen to your advice to them. "Get out of your own head for a little."
    LOL! That would be advice TO me!

    I'm the penultimate over-thinker and over-analyzer. Every thought, emotion, and experience examined, categorized, cross-referenced, debated, and dissected right down to the nuances of etymology. Every bit of scholarly writing read, every book acquired, and authors contacted. Personality type-tested, psychoanalyzed, and medicated. Trained in logic and structure, and habituated to using it (I run systems architecture and software development in a large corporation).

    All of this gets you very, very little by way of coming to terms with gender issues. Oh, it gives you a framework for discussion and an understanding of patterns that is useful later, but a lexicon isn't a life and understanding isn't resolution.

    Gender identity is primal. Little girls know they are girls without ever having given it a moment's thought. Logic, thinking itself, emotions, and knowing your own life experience will all fail you. Survival is also primal, providing the inner driver. Acting on your gender clues, experimenting, is the only way to compel the full emergence and acceptance of whatever it is that is driving you crazy, assuming it IS gender, that is.

    I learned more just by wearing a pair of Mary Janes out for the day than in months of hand-wringing correspondence. Fortunately, a lot of people here were patient enough with me to keep responding, all the while telling me to do more and worry about thinking less. Well, I haven't stopped thinking and analyzing, but I've acted enough now to realize that I could never have predicted where I would end up.

    Lea
    Last edited by LeaP; 04-13-2012 at 02:17 PM. Reason: Syntax
    Lea

  12. #12
    The village Idiot Asako's Avatar
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    Well, sometimes thinking can help. For instance, I thought about why I find it so hard to have an avatar of my real self for everyone to see. The answer? I think it just may be that I'm scared to come out and SHOW IT to people. To show who I am. I can probably thank the bullies in elementary and middle school for that. Used to wear my heart on my shoulder. Now, I MOSTLY respond out of habitual response. Sometimes, the real person gives a response. I dare say the real me can be a sly fox with witty, dirty remarks when I come through all the BS.
    If I don't make changes happen for a better tomorrow, then who will?

  13. #13
    New Member StacieJayne's Avatar
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    Asako, I feel that you are at a crossroads in your search and you are feeling scared about taking the path you know you want to. This happens to pretty much all people in our position in life. Decisions, decisions, what are we to do???? Keep going with the counselling, because eventually you will reach a point, that you will feel is the right thing to do. Unfortunately only ourselves can make that decision, no matter how hard it is I have been in counselling for many, many years and not just for my trans gender issues I find that counselling gives us a platform from which to attack life in a better way. I know that you probably feel completely at a loss at the moment, but the time WILL come when you will feel more at ease and ready to challenge any beliefs or mis-understandings that you may have. Remember, we have a choice in life and only we can make that choice. So keep your chin pointing into the sun and life WILL turn out for the best. Love StacieJayne.

  14. #14
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Asako View Post
    Well, sometimes thinking can help. For instance, I thought about why I find it so hard to have an avatar of my real self for everyone to see. The answer? I think it just may be that I'm scared to come out and SHOW IT to people. To show who I am. I can probably thank the bullies in elementary and middle school for that. Used to wear my heart on my shoulder. Now, I MOSTLY respond out of habitual response. Sometimes, the real person gives a response. I dare say the real me can be a sly fox with witty, dirty remarks when I come through all the BS.
    PRIMAL...great word lea.... it's identity....its your ability to feel alive that is at stake (if you are ts).....Here comes the Lion!!! Hmmmm...what should i do? run? duck? right? left?? CHOMP....that's the level this thing hits...

    It doesn't matter why , it doesn't matter how, its a theoretical and perhaps scholarly exercise to figure all this out, and even if you feel it is neccessary to think this way, and from purely and anxiety/depression/mental health view, it truly is helpful
    but from a ts view, i can promise you that there is no comfort or solution there..

    Recently you made a step towards expressing yourself...that's your ticket
    take your time, think about it purely from the perspective of your gut feelings, and evaluate what these steps mean to YOU. If you want, take some more steps..if you are not ready yet, then chillax (as my daughter's say)

    I mention often that in my corporate career, i had a habit of letting my pinky hand grow a very feminine curved nail.. i have small hands...i would sit in meetings and just STARE at my pinky...this comforted me, it reduced my anxiety and helped me function...
    how pathetic!!! but not for ME!! it was HUGE... just like you and your picture...

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