I hate my body! Why couldn't I have just been born in the correct one from the beginning?
Anyway. I apologise in advance for this rant, but I just neeeed an outlet. I was talking to a CD about a week ago and the simplest question stumped me. "How far do you want to go?"
Since I knew what gender was I knew I was the wrong one. I've been dressing forever and I know I want to get on hormones and get SRS. I'm not someone who does this for sexual pleasure or to attract anyone. I just do it to clear my head and feel comfortable with myself. Hell recently I've basically been full-time. I've only been in guy mode at work and public. Dressing isn't something I want to do, it's something I NEED to do.
Why can't I just be content with who I am? Why do I need to make things 10000x more difficult for myself, jeopardise my career, never be fully embraced by society, invest a LOT of money, and most importantly hurt the people I love??? WHY??
Every rational and logical part of me tells me NOT to do this. (except for my mental health) Besides, I'm ok at being a male I guess. I have some pretty masculine personality traits that are just a big a part of me as my feminine ones. I know they will be there long after I transition. Even when I'm a woman and start living as one, I'm still going to be more masculine than most.
I'm a lesbian. So far my interaction with other lesbians en femme has been less than welcoming. I've felt ostricized from a group I will inevitably become a part of. My search for love is coming up really dry. What kind of straight woman wants to be with another woman and what kind of lesbian wants a woman with a penis for the next few years until I get SRS? I'm dreadfully lonely.
On top of my sex change, I am trying to go through a career change too... which I'm financially in flux... I want to start hormones soon but I also need to save up money....
When everyone in my life gets over the initial shock, I'm positive I'll lose many friends, and will likely lose family over it. I've been told since I was first caught at 13 it was wrong. And they've indirectly reinforced it over the years. I'm not dealing with the most progressive people in the world. Even though I'll inevitably grow apart anyway telling them would just crush them, hurt them, and solidify that they're not going to be there for me.
Ughhh why can't I just be happy with what I was born with?
Leonard Nemoy was right. It's all highly illogical: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C70QRbawN8