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Thread: I need to bitch

  1. #1
    Aspiring Member Anna Lorree's Avatar
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    I need to bitch

    So I am on a business trip right now. I'm dressed en femme, and though it feels nice and I like the way I look in the mirror, it isn't stopping the constant nagging like it used to.

    I just finished reading "She's Not There" by Jennifer Boylan last night, and was struck by how many similarities there were. Yet another transsexual's life story that matches up with my life story in so many ways. Last week I was investigating 47 XXY and matching things in my own life to the symptoms list. I haven't had my chromosomes tested, but I am in the process of finding out if my insurance will cover it. The more I look at 47 XXY, the more it seems to fit. We shall see, I guess.

    This week I had a paper due in my psychology class. I chose gender dysphoria as a topic (I figured it's easier to write about what you know). One of the professional journal articles stated that, "...the terms gender identity disorder, gender dysphoria, and transsexualism are used interchangeably in this article". I felt like crying, especially after my therapist spent half of our last session telling me how well she thought I would pass if I were to transition, due to my build, facial features, proportions, and mannerisms.

    I am tired of the constant nagging thoughts, the amount of my waking hours that are consumed by gender. Right now I really wish I was just "normal". Hell, right now I just wish the crossdressing would work. I'm been feeling very condemned recently. More depression recently than I am used to.

    Anna
    Last edited by Anna Lorree; 04-09-2012 at 01:25 AM.
    "If you're going through Hell, keep going."
    -Winston Churchill

  2. #2
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Hi Anna, I know how you feel when you wish that the Cding would work - I used cross-dressing as a coping mechanism for some time but in the end it just wasn't enough

    I also know that feeling of wishing my thoughts would not be consumed by the gender dysphoria 25 hours a day, eight days a week

    It was a great idea to choose gender dysphoria as the topic for your paper - how do you think it went? Will you let us know how the paper was received?

    I think we have all wished at some time or another that we could "just be normal", the only thing is some of us have to redefine what we mean by normal.

    I don't really have any answers for you, only you can work those out four your personal situation, but please know that whatever road you choose, we will be there to cheer you on in the good times and the not so good.
    Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.

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    A friend of mine once described the dysphoria and the constant rumination as a cricket sitting on your shoulder chirping, sometimes softly, sometimes loudly but always chirping. I've tried to knock that chirping little f***er off plenty of times too and it never worked.

    It took going into therapy for depression to realize that the only way I was going to deal with the dysphoria, the depression, and that damn cricket would be to transition. I still struggle, but I'm starting to feel a certain peace coming over me that I've finally made a decision.

    I hope you can come to terms yourself Anna.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member Kristy_K's Avatar
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    I was also consumed with GID for many years. I spent many hours wondering why me. Then I found this forum and realize it wasn't just me going through these feelings. I finally put things together for me and figure that the only way for me to deal with it was to transition. Now I can move forward in life and not be consumed by GID thoughts. Which is a wonderful feeling or should I say freedom.

    Good luck,
    Kristy

  5. #5
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RachelOKC View Post
    A friend of mine once described the dysphoria and the constant rumination as a cricket sitting on your shoulder chirping, sometimes softly, sometimes loudly but always chirping.
    Hah! I like that analogy!

    Quote Originally Posted by RachelOKC View Post
    It took going into therapy for depression to realize that the only way I was going to deal with the dysphoria, the depression, and that damn cricket would be to transition.
    I've done a partial transition, to visibly transgender. HRT dampened my dysphoria considerably. I still have depression hanging around (gender is by no means the only stress I'm dealing with!!), but there were even periods where I didn't Shop for months at a time.

    Partial transition is an option for some. It isn't an easy option: there are no guidelines, not for the individual concerned and not for society. But it is an option.

  6. #6
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    I sympathize in spades on the sense of never being able to switch off the gender channel.

    What do you mean when you say that you've been feeling condemned lately?

    Lea
    Lea

  7. #7
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Bitch away!

    But do know you are on the right track..incrementally heading towards a goal of living as a woman will ultimately stop the crickets...

    there's a good chance they don't stop until you have gone through the whole thing...sometimes they stop prior to transition for some reason...the phrase don't transition until you have to is really about this...
    if the crickets stop prior to "full time" or grs or whatever, they are such daunting prospects that people end up living in the middle path or some other type of accommodation to the realities of growing up and investing in a male life..

    as an aside, i find this whole thing we go through eerie in a way... i never heard the term "crickets in your head" , but after my surgery, a couple days later i told a friend that i couldn't believe the "buzzing in my head" went away...SOOO many of us describe it in the same exact way...SOOO many of us (at least in my age group) end up exhibiting very similar behaviors in our "arcs" from living as male to ultimately transition..that comforts me, its a real thing..its not some crazy thing you and I made up to escape "real life"

    Feeling condemned is a personal matter and its impacts every human being that is "condemned" to live out whatever cards get dealt by mom and dad, genetics and every other circumstance of your life...feeling that way is a bit of choice, if you are clinically depressed, then get that treated too... i have felt this feeling, but i try to focus on my many blessings when i can..

    make it happen, Anna. you can do it.

  8. #8
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    Anna,

    I support you and am in your camp sister.

    With that being said; WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR???!?!?!?!?

    There comes a time for no more what if's, no more I cants and no more if onlys and just do it!!!!

    There are those that seemingly get caught in an endless cycle of self analysis to place forever in the future what is perceived to be the most difficult thing in one's life that being transition.
    When is enough enough?
    It truly sounds like you are done with expending large amounts of energy not transitioning.

    The door to walk through has always been open Anna when shall we expect to see you walk through it?


    Julia

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anna Lorree View Post
    I just finished reading "She's Not There" by Jennifer Boylan last night, and was struck by how many similarities there were. Yet another transsexual's life story that matches up with my life story in so many ways. Last week I was investigating 47 XXY and matching things in my own life to the symptoms list. I haven't had my chromosomes tested, but I am in the process of finding out if my insurance will cover it. The more I look at 47 XXY, the more it seems to fit. We shall see, I guess.
    Be careful of "picking" a disorder and matching symptoms to it. It is like selective memory, you only tend to see the symptoms you want to see. (There are actually entire medical studies on this problem of diagnosis).

    Quote Originally Posted by Anna Lorree View Post

    I am tired of the constant nagging thoughts, the amount of my waking hours that are consumed by gender. Right now I really wish I was just "normal". Hell, right now I just wish the crossdressing would work. I'm been feeling very condemned recently. More depression recently than I am used to.

    Anna
    You have a wife who loves you. You have the chance to do things many merely dream of. Focus on the good things. You have a problem. Define it, assess possible solutions and then pursue them. Don't get bogged down in the quagmire of self doubt and pity.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Adina View Post
    You have a wife who loves you. You have the chance to do things many merely dream of. Focus on the good things. You have a problem. Define it, assess possible solutions and then pursue them. Don't get bogged down in the quagmire of self doubt and pity.
    I agree with the sentiment, but I also know how debilitating the gender thinking can be. It absolutely torments you, and it just never stops. I read Anna's comments as fallout, not doubt or self-pity.

    Lea
    Lea

  11. #11
    Aspiring Member Anna Lorree's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lea Paine View Post
    I sympathize in spades on the sense of never being able to switch off the gender channel.

    What do you mean when you say that you've been feeling condemned lately?

    Lea
    Like there is no escape, no options.

    Anna
    "If you're going through Hell, keep going."
    -Winston Churchill

  12. #12
    Senior Member stefan37's Avatar
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    there are options available. You have to have the courage to execute them. Therapy, electrolysis, voice training are all things you can do immediately that can help alleviate your distress. Voice training is intensive take a long time to master and is free.
    Therapy and electrolysis take time and also money. I reached a point in my life where the anxiety could not be controlled with physical exercise and my wife suggested therapy. I started therapy, started electrolysis soon after and felt a calmness I hadn't felt in years after my first session. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist in June. I still experience anxiety, but it is not paralyzing like it was. In my situation I grew tired of fighting who I was and the constant battle to express my inner self and have finally made the choice to make the necessary changes to alleviate my stress. My wife is naturally saddened and frustrated but has yet to run for the hills so to speak. What will happen to our 30 year marriage is still uncertain, but we love each other and have a strong stable relationship. Only you can make the decision to live with the stress GID causes or the make the necessary changes n your life as difficult as they may be. I know I was able to live with mine for 50+ years but I finally had to give in and have noticed an immediate improvement to my personality.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anna Lorree View Post
    Like there is no escape, no options.
    Every direction equally bad? Traps every which way? New traps from therapy and self-knowledge themselves? Traps from holding on and traps from letting go? Every option has an equally compelling counter? Hurt yourself or hurt someone else ... or is it that everyone is hurt no matter what you do?

    Some describe themselves as being forced to transition as a way out, particularly as suicide looms as a way of putting a stop to it. Others describe a growing clarity, that one direction starts becoming palatable (or preferable).

    I feel the former all too frequently, but have been experiencing the latter only recently. I suspect survival instinct is in play with both patterns. No rational person can live forever in irresolvable tension. Something draws us to a path in dire circumstances that we would never consider otherwise. I'm beginning to see that the point of 100% entrapment is also the beginning of resolution because your mind will absolutely push you to a decision at that point. There's some hope in that.

    Stay in therapy and stay safe, Anna.

    Lea
    Lea

  14. #14
    Just A Simple Girl Michelle.M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Julia_in_Pa View Post
    WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR???!?!?!?!?
    Yes, that really sums it all up.

    You know what you need to do. And there are a variety of steps in the process, therapy, HRT and whatever else you need to do not to quiet that cricket (excellent analogy) but to accept him as part of your life and to start making a new life for yourself.

    For me, it all got much, much better when I quit lying to myself and just got on with doing what had to be done. I've never been happier.
    I've gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back keep me here to wait for me so I don't go back out and miss myself when I return.

  15. #15
    Just Saying Hi Traci Elizabeth's Avatar
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    The good news is that tomorrow is another day. And as each day that passes clarity come closer to us.


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  16. #16
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anna Lorree View Post
    Like there is no escape, no options.
    If you do find out you are XXY, how will this make a difference with the decisions you feel you need to make? I'm assuming you're feeling stuck because you feel you want to transition while at the same time fearing the effect on your wife and kids. How will knowing you have Klinefelter's make any difference? Does every XXY have GID?

    How does your wife feel about a potential transition? I know she loves you dearly. Is there any chance she would stay the course?
    Reine

  17. #17
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Actually I hope Anna you don't get caught up in XXY from a ts perspective..What does XXY have to do with it?? Are you saying if it turns out you are XXY that it becomes "more OK" to be ts?
    Intersex people may or may not be transsexual..just like non-IS people...it doesn't matter

    As a health matter, by all means follow up...it matters healthwise
    ..btw, the treatment for male identified XXY is testosterone...so don't tell your wife...

  18. #18
    Aspiring Member Anna Lorree's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    If you do find out you are XXY, how will this make a difference with the decisions you feel you need to make? I'm assuming you're feeling stuck because you feel you want to transition while at the same time fearing the effect on your wife and kids. How will knowing you have Klinefelter's make any difference? Does every XXY have GID?

    How does your wife feel about a potential transition? I know she loves you dearly. Is there any chance she would stay the course?
    She has already told me that full transition would end our marriage. She married a man, if I quit being a man then I have stopped being her husband. She assures me she isn't a lesbian, and isn't interested in trying that.

    Anna
    "If you're going through Hell, keep going."
    -Winston Churchill

  19. #19
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Sorry for the million questions, Anna, but if you don't mind answering another one: do you go out much and interact with others, or do you tend to stay alone when you are not presenting as a male?

    My SO reached a point where not going out simply didn't cut it anymore.
    Reine

  20. #20
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    Actually I hope Anna you don't get caught up in XXY from a ts perspective..What does XXY have to do with it?? Are you saying if it turns out you are XXY that it becomes "more OK" to be ts?
    47X,XY is studied and sort of understood. There is more of a pathway laid out for it than for 46X,Y transsexuals or TG. I don't mean to imply that IS people "have it easy", but over here it feels like I'm continually breaking new paths to be a (probably not IS) middle-grounder. No maps, nothing to go on but myself.

    Is it "more OK" to be TS if you are IS? It is to many people. "God made me different, I have objective proof!" is still a powerful argument to be left alone when people are ranting off about "moral corruption" and perversion and the like. Perhaps it is not the best response for The Cause, but individuals have to survive in their environments.

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    Anna, I sometimes had problems with rumination as kinda a side effect of depression. I hate to promote prozac, but the stuff did help interupt the OCD aspect of rumination, and as a side benefit, while I was on prozac I never had "ear worms", you know - those annoying songs that stick in your head. The other thing I learned to do, through constant practice, was to interupt rumination with other mental activities that demanded my attention. When a recurring thought was stuck in my head, I sometimes literally said "STOP" and shifted to something else. Its not perfect but with practice, it helps.

  22. #22
    Aspiring Member Anna Lorree's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    Sorry for the million questions, Anna, but if you don't mind answering another one: do you go out much and interact with others, or do you tend to stay alone when you are not presenting as a male?

    My SO reached a point where not going out simply didn't cut it anymore.
    Rarely ever. There are no CD or trans groups in our area that I have been able to find yet, and that includes asking my therapist about it. Ours is a small, backwards and rural area, and I have a very public and visible job. This is one of many reasons we are starting down the road toward relocating.

    Anna
    "If you're going through Hell, keep going."
    -Winston Churchill

  23. #23
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Are you getting any closer to relocating?

    I remember your (or was it your wife's) thread about this some time back and it's got to be difficult living in a small town where you don't feel free to be yourself and interact with people, not necessarily just at TG support groups, but out and about everywhere else.

    You look very nice in your avatar .. do you ever consider going out when you travel and might this bring some measure of relief until you've made decisions about your future?
    Reine

  24. #24
    Aspiring Member Anna Lorree's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    Are you getting any closer to relocating?

    I remember your (or was it your wife's) thread about this some time back and it's got to be difficult living in a small town where you don't feel free to be yourself and interact with people, not necessarily just at TG support groups, but out and about everywhere else.

    You look very nice in your avatar .. do you ever consider going out when you travel and might this bring some measure of relief until you've made decisions about your future?
    I am actually in the process of getting ready to go out right now. Things like this help for a little bit, but as soon as they are done I am faced with two realities.

    1) The want/need comes back all to quickly.

    2) The further I go, the further I want to go.

    And thank you for the compliment.

    Anna
    Last edited by Anna Lorree; 04-10-2012 at 07:19 PM.
    "If you're going through Hell, keep going."
    -Winston Churchill

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