So some of you may have seen a thread a couple days back where I was saying goodbye (sorry mods, didn't know that was against the rules. I should read them every once and a while :P) and asked the mods to delete my account.
Nothing major happened. I know some of you were worried about what I was going through.
Basically... I've been transitioning for 2 years but never really faced the fact that I need to be myself regardless of what I think I look like or sound like. It's been way too easy for me to sit back, be myself when I feel good, and go into hibernation when I feel bad. I've basically been leaving myself a "safety net" to fall back on while I naively believe that, one day, I will suddenly look in the mirror and be happy with who I am.
The last month was a very long hibernation that resulted in an anxiety attack when trying to see my very supportive sister and father this last Sunday. I guess I had to finally hit that wall, and realize that I can wait and wait an wait... but I will NEVER feel better about myself unless I face my fears and get over this hump. I need to go out, every day and be myself 100% of the time. I can't go into hiding, or wear my man costume every time I have issues with my ability to pass (or lack thereof).
So after a very well deserved slap in the face from the universe, I now know what I MUST face. I can't keep waiting... I can't keep hoping that things will just somehow get better. I have to do what I have to do because I don't have any other choice.
I am doing well now. I have a fresh outlook and a newfound approach. I'm going to suck it up and do what needs to be done, so maybe, one day, I can look in the mirror and be happy with the person I see.
On a related note: I made it my goal yesterday that I am getting an orchi. I once again consulted the internet regarding the DIY method, and once again reminded myself that that's insane. So on a whim, I called my dad, and asked if he could lend me the money for surgery until my car sells... and after a long talk with him today, basically showing him that this is what I must do... he agreed! I've already booked appointments with my doctor and therapist to get the letters I need, I called the surgeon prior to asking my dad, and tomorrow... TOMORROW I am calling to book my appointment for surgery! YAY! I was soooo giddy with excitement yesterday that not only had I finally set my decision in stone, but also that my dad is lending me the money so I can set the date in stone!
I have known for a while that I needed to get an orchi. Not instead of SRS, but to hold me over until I can afford SRS. I WILL GET SRS... just not now. While I would love nothing more than to be a woman inside and out, I also want to be able to settle down with my boyfriend and start a family. So my goals of increasing my income and saving money are dedicated to starting our family. Second to that, is SRS.
Anyway... thanks for listening... and sorry for jumping the gun last week with the whole 'I quit' thing. I was just at the end of my rope... and I think I needed to get that bad to finally realize what I have to do.