Too close?

[Kate Simmons]

Sometimes on here I extend myself to others either TG, CD or GG, go the "extra mile" and seem to get a rapport going but then usually what happens is they suddenly stop communicating with me for one reason or another. Perhaps something I said was too close to the mark or maybe sometimes when I explain who I am and what I do they maybe think I'm just plain nuts. I know in one instance, it was myself who stopped communicating due to family dynamics changing and upset of the household and I had never gotten back to that particular person on a personal level. Maybe that's what happens in the other cases or maybe it's just me that is the issue. Maybe I should stop reaching out all together because with little or no feedback I sometimes think I'm just spinning my wheels here. I've been told by my friends on Facebook that they look forward to my comments and replies, so I reluctantly decided to stay there. Here I question whether anyone really wants to hear what I have to say or is even interested. I've talked about this in the past but based on any responses to this thread is how I plan to proceed. If I'm accomplishing nothing positive by being here, I fail to see the point to continue. Let me know.

[Marleena]

Kate I think you overthinking things. I enjoy reading your comments and think you're a nice person. I've never seen you be mean to anybody either. Most of us will never meet each other face to face so that's why not many friendships develop beyond the superficial stuff here.

[kimdl93]

I don't know if there's a reliable way to gauge one's impact here - postive or negative. I do think that generally speaking, its difficult to sustain connections with individuals through a discussion board, simply because peoples' day to day lives intervene... And occassional comment or thank you is about all the affirmation one can expect.

[Kaz]

Kate,

I know your avatar and engage with your posts and you are at the very least as very important as anyone else here... we seem to have a current trend starting of people thinking of giving up... why is this?

Maybe the posts are getting banal... In Kate's reference, is is because she is not being listened to enough... I also feel this , but I think this is down to the medium... New Posts don't last long and things drop off the radar... I have been gutted by people not responding to things that I thought were great... this is sadly the nature of the medium. PMs could help, but we now have evidence of PMs not working because of the text based nature of our exchanges (non-verbal and non-visual)... hence exclamation marks (Hi Anne)...

Giving up is easy... anyone can do that... staying and contributing... nice xx

I am hoping that you have noticed that there are no exclamation marks in this post!

[Foxglove]

Kate, one reason it can be hard to keep a correspondance going is that people like us on forums don't actually know each other. We never see each other on a day-to-day basis, and so it's hard to find something to talk about. I don't know how many times I've started a correspondance with someone either by PM or e-mail, and after 6 or 7 exchanges, the talk peters out to nothing. I think the longest correspondance I ever kept going lasted about a year, and that was a right nuisance: I wanted to end it long before we did, because the person in question and I had absolutely nothing in common. I think the shortest occurred just recently--two exchanges, and that was it. Whenever someone stops communicating with me, I don't take it to heart because I figure they've said everything they have to say to me. And generally I've said all I can say to them.

You have doubts about whether you're contributing anything here. I feel the same. Probably other people do, too. But from what I've read of your posts, I think you're doing quite well.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[GingerLeigh]

I totally agree with Marleena. I don't recall how many "friends" I have in my list, but I can guarantee that I only really correspond with three or four with any sense of regularity. The likelihood of ever meeting ANY people from this forum are slim to none, but that doesn't mean that I do not consider them to be friends. People are busy and for whatever reason they don't frequent the forum as often as you might. I send little reminders, I'll even ask if I said something to offend. I do tend to be a little ummm shall we say...blunt, if not totally off the mark.

I've read your posts and find them to be honest and insightful and friendly. Don't let whatever funk you may be in keep you from this forum. You'd lose out as much as we would by your absence.

Ginger

[Kathy Smith]

It can be difficult for me to respond to posts on the public parts of the forum. I feel that I have to be even more secretive than usual. I don't want to plaster my thoughts all over the interweb. Perhaps if I was more "out" as a CDer it would be different, but I'm still quite closeted.

[Kate Simmons]

Well it's not so much of a funk Ginger as it is a potential upcoming new relationship. I may have the opportunity without any physical changes to be appreciated for who I am by someone wonderful. My heart tingles with excitement at the thought of being close to that special someone at last. My main purpose for writing this was not to vent or complain but to see if I and my comments would genuinely be missed if I would be paying more attention to my special person and not have so much time for the Forum. I do not want to short shrift my friends if indeed they look forward to my contributions and they are, after all, my friends. I have a lot of experience in dressing and life in general but will readily admit I do not have all the answers. I always try to take the Mary Poppins approach and make even chores into something fun. I always used to take all of this dead serious but realized that if we don't have some fun with it and laugh at ourselves, we are missing the point. Anyway, I think the answers so far told me what I wanted to know, so if sometime later you don't see me on here as much, you will know that the relationship is working out and I am happy. Thanks for all of your responses so far.

[Beverley Sims]

With 12,000+ posts I assume you have the feel of those around you.
I would say that you are going through a stale period, heard it all before, replied many times over on the same subject, and so on.
I think you have a storehouse of standard replies for all the duplicated questions and are looking for new ones.
I get stale now and then, give it a rest and then get back into the fray.
As for people not continuing to correspond I think it is changing circumstances, the question has been answered and other interests have taken over.
Do not take it to heart that people drop corresponding over a short time unless they are arguing with your point of view.
I think there is a lot to be positive about here, meaning the CD forum.
New people are coming in all the time and fading away quickly because they have had the same questions answered in a different way to others who asked the same question 12 months ago.
Even Karen Hutton (Bless her cotton socks and denim jeans,) has replied to fit a question asked many times but in a different way.
You must have as well. So keep your chin up and realise you have added something positive by starting this thread.
Don't go away, just go to the rest room and freshen up a little, you will feel much better.

[suchacutie]

Kate, I think we all go through cycles and life does have a lot of pulling power on us. I know I will go through a few days of intense conversation and then not converse with the same person for months, and then suddenly have a conversation again. It's just life, at least for me. In all honesty, there probably isn't enough time to keep up a dialog with everyone we meet so it has to cycle!

tina

[Badtranny]

Hi Kate,

It seems like you're bringing up two separate issues. The first being your relative value to the public forum and the second being you disappointment at some people's apparent unwillingness to pursue a PM type of relationship. I can speak to both. (shocker)

There are a good number of members (and you are one of them) who quite often have very interesting things to say and generally seem to be well grounded and pretty darn bright. Any of these people would be missed if they stopped posting, but the nature of these forums is they will be replaced in short order. It's like when Friends went off the air, so you started watching Frazier. The cast of characters here and everywhere is fluid.

Regarding the PM's, I resist developing relationships with people because I have no idea if they are real AND I'm already busy with my goofy friends IRL (In Real Life). I have met several local gals from this forum and I like them all very much and I think most of us could be great friends, but we all have fairly busy lives and separate social circles so we hardly ever get together. There are also a few people I've befriended internet style and we chat on occasion on FB or Skype but that's fairly rare because I only spend a few minutes at a time online, or just as long as it takes to check updates and whatnot, and then I log-off. I have a painfully short attention span, so online chats can be difficult for me to sustain. On this site especially my BS detector is always set really high because the last thing I want to do is waste time corresponding with someone who is a total fabrication. I learned a loooooong time ago that it can be hurtful to find out that your "friend" is not who they claimed to be at all. There are people who are so unhappy with who they are that they literally invent a persona to represent them on the internet. I have zero interest (or less) in participating in someone's fantasy life, and it's nearly impossible to tell who's real and who's not.

[Barbara Ella]

Kate, i wish you much success with the new relationship. I can see where that could/should be your prime focus. I have enjoyed your posts, and would think the experience you have would be sorely missed I have virtually no experience to draw on when commenting, but do anyway, most likely just to hear myself talk, which can be comforting in itself, and have been awed by some of the thoughtful responses to my banal cries.

Whatever you choose, do not be a stranger. Your experiences are much needed and appreciated.

Barbara

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Melissa, no fantasy here. What you see is pretty much what you get (and then some). I try to tell it like it is. If I do change, however, it's because I've evolved as a person and moved down the road so to speak. I never really burn my bridges though. I've had several names here, Ericka, Salandra, Arianna, Denise, Abigail and now Kate. Hopefully each successive model was an improvement. I try to share some of my development as a person along the way as what I thought were huge issues years ago aren't so huge any more. My main purpose here is to try and be a positive example if possible. That's the kind of stuff that really makes me happy.

[janet p]

Kate since you and I are on here now and have been on this site almost the same amount of time I have read many of your post and they have been on spot (serious or funny). I have made friends with a few and then all of a sudden nothing, why I don't know but I don't take it to heart because things happen that we have no control over. So just be yourself and enjoy what you can and let the rest be forgotten.

[AllieSF]

Kate I have to agree with Melissa. I think you are addressing two separate issues here. The one that catches my attention, and I have read it from you before in your posts, is the short term PM relationships that you have and whether, my reading between the lines, your input is appreciated enough for you. I personally would not depend on this site to validate anything about me. Yes, it does validate some things for me and revokes my validation on others. You post your opinions and recommendations and then let it go. They may or may not appreciate what you have said. I like it when someone references something that I said in a serious post (actually in the silly posts too!). However, I do not depend on that to keep me here participating in the different threads.

Why do you need our input to your decision to stay or not? You have been here just a year longer than I have and have more than double the number of posts. As others have said, your posts and threads are as valid as any others. You know that just by asking you are going to get a lot of "Stick around Kate, we love ya" replies. Mine is a little like that too, in that you should stay if you want. That is just the nature of this site, which is here for support of its members. My opinion is, if you enjoy being here then stay, if you do not, then take a break for awhile and then come back when you miss it here.

I have found that the best way to find a lasting friend or friends here is to find some that actually live close enough to go out with occasionally and let that real face to face communication and interactions take place. If they do not live close enough, hopefully they travel to your area frequently so that you can build a relationship. I have several like that (travelers) who I truly do miss when they, for work reasons, don't get here often enough to satisfy my needs to see them. That is the only way to find a lasting friend. As others have said, the rest are just cyber friends who come and go like the seasons. Good luck with your potential new relationship.

[Marleena]

Me again..Ah so you found a friend that will take up some of your time! That's always a good thing Kate.

Allie brought up a good point. Most of our replies seem to go unnoticed unless the OP feels strongly about our reply (good or bad). It might seem we are ignored but you can be sure others have read it. Now I have tried in a couple of threads to reply back to everybody and that just creates a mess and is time consuming. Believe me I have noticed you here and I know you're a nice person. I have seen you reply to lots of my threads and I thank you personally now.

[Kate Simmons]

Thank you Marleena, your fine responses are always noted and appreciated. Thank everyone else for their comments as well. Not dreaming of "shoes and rice" quite yet but it feels good to find someone.

[vikki2020]

Hi Kate,
I myself haven't been checking in here like I used to, for one reason or another, but, glad I peaked today! I do remember that you were one of the first girls I talked to when I joined here, and it's been a while. Since then, as I brows through the posts, I always stop when I see your pic, because I know there is going to be something good in that post! You have been a strong voice here, and I sure hope it stays!! Maybe you don't realize how much you help others, but,you do!!

[Lorileah]

I hope that being here influences someone. Even if only one. Tens to hundreds of people read what you write everyday. If you are like me you have an agenda. I have a couple. If I can get someone to quit hiding behind the curtain and just enjoy being alive, then that is one check. Have I? I don't know, maybe. If I can get someone to laugh (because life ain't serious) then that is another check. I have a few more. Some work some don't. I am here if someone wants to talk about something (besides what color underwear or which restroom to use) and I will discuss "whatever". I enjoy it when I get positive feedback but I know that most here don't have the time or need to respond. So I just believe they gained something.

You have an opportunity to move on, and you should grab it, but you also have roots here. I have met a few people from here but I have so many other friends here I know I will never physically meet. I am sure with time we will all move on, but I hope you will hang around a bit, even if just to say hi. I really hope you will stay and share with us your insights and perspective as well as what is happening in your life. The high points and the ruts along the way. Just know you have "friends" who care and we want to keep in touch.

[Dawn cd]

I think it's hard to build deep friendships via the internet, nor should we expect to. One has to spend physical time with another and share real experiences to be real friends. By coming here we are taking part in a public discussion about crossdressing and gender issues. We are friendly with each other but not really deep friends. So we commit ourselves to the discussion in an effort to educate ourselves, each other, and casual browsers. This is a good and valuable end, and we ought to be satisfied with it. It's a service to our sisters and the general public, and it helps each of us to articulate our values.

[Kaz]

I have only been here since 2009, so still a novice! Whatever happens in my life I hope that I can stay in this community. It has helped and supported me through some turbulent times and whilst virtual "friends" are by nature different from physical (as in you meet them in person) friends, they are still as important to me. We are living in an interesting age with technology redefining the way we interact. We are still novices at understanding how to engage with this medium !

[Kate Simmons]

When my good friend Captlex was here we had talked about having a Forum get together (similar to a High School reunion) some time and we would meet in some central location so we could all get together, interact and have a good time. We used to have a blast the first couple of years I was here with having virtual parties on Cap's pirate ship. Did we need a reason? Nope, all we needed was rum.I was a rum wench of course but always had a pistol and sword under me skirt. I really miss those days my friends. we may yet get together some day, I'm counting on it.

[kimdl93]

I hope that being here influences someone. Even if only one. Tens to hundreds of people read what you write everyday. If you are like me you have an agenda. I have a couple. If I can get someone to quit hiding behind the curtain and just enjoy being alive, then that is one check. Have I? I don't know, maybe. If I can get someone to laugh (because life ain't serious) then that is another check. I have a few more. Some work some don't. I am here if someone wants to talk about something (besides what color underwear or which restroom to use) and I will discuss "whatever". I enjoy it when I get positive feedback but I know that most here don't have the time or need to respond. So I just believe they gained something.

You have an opportunity to move on, and you should grab it, but you also have roots here. I have met a few people from here but I have so many other friends here I know I will never physically meet. I am sure with time we will all move on, but I hope you will hang around a bit, even if just to say hi. I really hope you will stay and share with us your insights and perspective as well as what is happening in your life. The high points and the ruts along the way. Just know you have "friends" who care and we want to keep in touch.

Someone, often Lori, always says it better than I can. What she said...both paragraphs ...only double!

[KellyJameson]

In what little I have known and shared with you I think you have had a very rich and varied life.

I crossdress to suppress my gender dysphoria, without it I would end up institutionalized. Obviously coming from this place is not exactly fun besides the fact that I'm an introvert in the extreme not from fear of rejection or ridicule but I actually prefer my own company because I become exhausted in the company of others so it is for my own survival.

Being this way I look to others such as yourself Kate who have embraced and experienced life in ways that are impossible for me, it is similar to watching the movie Avatar and allows me to live through my imagination. Admittedly a second hand way of living but it is satisfying to me and I really have no choice anyway.

In my time here I have noticed that there is a tendency for men who crossdress but still identify as men to be extroverted and those who as men identify as women to be introverted, it is a generalization as all things gender related seem to be but I think there is a strand of truth in this.

You are very much the extrovert in my mind Kate and I love your energy and fearlessness and hope you share more of your life with those of us who are not and I would caution you not to make the assumption that you are not valued.

There is a fragility born of a sensitivity regardless of where you fall on the spectrum that leaves everyone on this forum somewhat prone to being hurt in ways that are foreign to the average male and female that is learned over a lifetime of hurts leaving us all a little cautious in this topsy turvy confusing world.

Sprinkel the magic of you (and all that you are) all over and let destiny take its course. Be that wonderful passionate dynamic person that you are and do not lose faith in the possibilities of life and yourself. Hope I have not been to personal Kate and apologize if I have been !

[Joanne f]

I am going to be a little bit selfish here , i must admit that being an older member i am increasingly feeling a little bit alienated by all the new younger members joining and some of the longer members disappearing so i always look for the members i know that writes sensible and interesting things to read and you are one of them so if you go that is one less reason for me to be here ( ok some might think that is a good thing) but if you think it will interfere with your new relationship then i can understand why you need to be here less so i will wish you luck on that and hope you can find a way to keep posting on here without it interfering with your personal life .