If not for the barriers around my heart and emotions, I would probably be crying as I type this out. I can tell I'm upset by the way my thoughts are flowing. Yet, I don't FEEL that feeling one gets when they're upset. That in turn, only serves to upset me a bit more.
I am transgendered to one degree or another. That much I know. Am I a transsexual? F!@#, I wish I knew. I enjoy the weight and feel of breast forms. Hell, sometimes I wish they weren't just forms. Other times, I don't even WANT to think about them. I wonder if that's because they're "in the way" at times. Yet, they stave off a serious amount of the depression. Heck, for the longest of times, I've been subconscious about my chest being "unclothed" at a place like the beach. I don't know how that plays into the rest of the above paragraph but I'm just typing my thoughts. It's better than keeping them bottled up. All I know is that I don't fit neatly into either binary. I went into therapy thinking I knew what I was but now, I don't have a flipping clue where this is going to go.
My therapist asked me a good question about the emotional breakdowns. What was the emotional pain from? Part of it was from realizing that I've been setting myself up to fail at largely everything. The rest of it? I don't know. I don't know where that intense pain came from or why it chose that point in time to surface.
Then there's the fact that up until about an hour ago, I was searching for an endo(AGAIN) and one thought crossed my mind that started this whole "I'm upset" thing. Something that deserves attention and consideration. "Why the hell am I looking for an endo? How is this going to help me?" The short answer is: I don't know. How can I act when I can't even justify to myself how doing something will be beneficial? Then there's the question that really upsets me. Am I unknowingly making another excuse to avoid doing something?
Just what is WRONG with me? The more I attend therapy, the more I realize that it's not just gender that I'm confused or having trouble dealing with. At this point, all I can really do(that I'm aware of) is to keep seeing my therapist while trying to reinforce the GOOD habit of taking care of myself and pursuing my GED.
After re-reading this, I get the feeling that I'm going to be in therapy for a very long time. It certainly gives me a little more of an understanding as to why I bury my mind into games and fantasy to avoid dealing with reality. Why face crap like these thoughts when you "don't have to"? I can't go back to just existing. So, I just keep on trucking through these thoughts and working them out the best I can. I just hope I don't EVER get hit by a depression truck like I did on Monday. That day just flat sucked all the way around.
As for my avatar, that picture of me is staying. I can't hide behind what isn't real anymore. I don't know why but I just can't.