If I had any abuse in my childhood, I certainly have no notion of it.
I won't say that I had a "happy" childhood, but my stressors were other kids, not my family. My family wasn't perfect, but they tried -- including the whole family going to therapy in order to learn how to communicate. I loved my family and did not fear anyone in it. We did a lot of things together as a family, and my parents never pushed me to be something I wasn't.
I will give you one possibility of the path that has brought you to where you are at and you can match it against your own experience.
It first starts with a combination of genetics, epigenetics, maternal stress and diet, exposure to xenoestrogens as a fetus along with many other variables with the end result being your brain was not masculinized in the womb to create the atypical structure so when you are born you look like a boy but in many subtle ways do not act or feel like one. Check out "Disappearing Male" as an example of some of the reasons
These changes invite abuse because others sense weakness (think the opposite of the alpha male) and want to change you (make you a man ) or harm you because they know you are an easy target.
Feminine acting boys are at a much higher risk for sexual abuse because they are often physically pretty as well, abuse by their peers (bullying), physical abuse by the father who is embarassed, ect....
So you were born this way and probably some of the abuse was in part because of this. Child abuse is rampant and always has been but certain children are at a higher risk because it is easier to control them with fear or because they are lonely due to being rejected for their differences.
Questioning your sexual orientation and dressing are expressions of how you were created.
I experienced severe psychological abuse for being a feminine boy plus being this way my mind had fewer defenses against it so I felt the impact greater. I do not have hate of my body but I understand that the absence of maleness in me makes life difficult in ways unknown to others who do not experience this plus it creates the conditions that allow me to, and desire to, bend gender because I do not have a male identity that would feel threatened, no shame, guilt, embarrassment or any other kind of internal conflict that my external behavior would cause. It feels very natural to do anything a woman does and on a subconscious level I find I think,feel and move in ways more commonly associated with females.
Be careful in relationships because I have found that predatory and potentially abusive people are attracted to me, particularly women who want a relationship or men in matters of power structures. The same energies I communicated as a child are still being communicated as an adult attracting predators like a Shark that smells blood.
Feel free to PM me anytime.
Thank you so much everyone. I do feel better and thanks for the enormous wealth of advice, links, common sense, support and kindness. There has been some interesting things going on at home. The other day my wife used my laptop. She always has indicated she is clueless with computets. I was wrong. I was painting our dining room. I said something to her and she was looking at my history of sites that I viewing. She was upset and confronted me and one of them was indeed this site. I told her I was doing research about me. I know its not very courageous on my part. Anyway she was upset that I couldnt come to her. I held my cards close to my chest and didnt reveal too much. She admitted later that she has been kinda hard on me. I didnt really say too much. My wifes birthday is coming up and she opened some presents from family yesterday. She received some womens shower gel and a bar of pink soap and pink lotion. She said I could use the lotion if I wanted to and the pink soap on vacation. She then opened up this sponge (I know its not called a sponge but its related) that is light blue in color and this cocunut gel. She showed me how it works by you put your hand through the sponge and then pour the gel onto the sponge with lathers up. She said I could have it and put it right next to my shower stuff. I think she is trying to be fair to her. She is a great person and her heart is in the right place. She is my best friend and just wants me. Thanks again for the friendship here. I dont really have anyone to talk and it makes me feel good knowing you are right here.
Most wives have an uncanny ability to know when something is withheld. And when we sense this, we come to the conclusion there is this huge dark secret that is even more important to our CDing partners than we are! This may not seem logical to you, but any attempt to not upset your wife will feel to her as if you're lying and she will feel betrayed. Please believe me.
A good approach would have been to have shown her your post and ask if she wanted to read any of the other threads with you. Then the two of you could begin communicating about what you're reading that fits, and what doesn't fit. There is a learning curve and when couples are on it, attitudes about the CDing don't stay static. They change until the CDer has found a level that he's happy with and THEN things stabilize again.
You should also ask your wife to register under her own name (we don't allow couples sharing a membership), so that she can join our FAB forum:
Thanks Reine for the sound advice...I just paniced and thought to keep my mouth shut. I will try and be more mature with communication. Thanks again!
I have read Alice in Genderland. She doesn't exactly give the reassuring picture many CDs want to communicate to their wives but it was certainly useful for my self understanding. Alice is not only CD, she is bi too and has a sexual relationship with s man alongside her marriage, notwithstanding her wife's preference that she didn't.
hugs for everyone!
I was physically and emotionally abused as a child (I never experienced sexual abuse), and I don't know how that kind of trauma would not effect everything about a person, including their sexuality and ability to have a healthy, successful relationships. Many people who don't go through that kind of abuse growing can't really understand how it can rewire, distort and screw up someone's mental programming, how it can change you, how it can haunt you the rest of your life. Not everyone who is trans was abused of course, by any means, but I can see how it could have been a factor for at least some tiny, tiny minority.
It is ironic that today my parents are at me about having grandchildren and yet at the same time 20-30 years ago they never gave any thought whatsoever as to how the abuse I endured might affect their ability to have grandchildren in the future. Instead of growing up to be an abuser like him, I clung to my mother instead. A woman I once dated got angry at me and started going on about how my mother emasculated me... and she was right. My mother is not a cruel person, not a sick person, she never intended for that to happen... she knew no better coming from an abusive home herself, she had no concept of healthy parenting for a boy. Without a healthy male role model, where would I learn how to be a man, she wouldn't know how to do that. Now, I am an "emasculated" male that is not attractive to GGs (in the mate sense) and there little chance I will never meet an understanding GG, much less one who is understanding and fertile. Perhaps if my old man had though about that when I was growing up he would have spent less time punching me and my mother and more time teaching how to be a man, and teaching me about girls when I was a teenager things would have been different... I mourn what could have been if only things had been different...
As for Alice In Genderland, if one is hetero and faithful, I would not ever give that book to a wife who just found out; it is more likely to scare her than convince her that one is indeed a hetero and faithful dresser.
Last edited by Vickie_CDTV; 04-14-2012 at 05:12 AM.
I would say that they are two separate issues that may be partly linked , you may dress some times to help to forget some parts of your early life but that may not be the whole reason for dressing , this is one occasion that i would possibly suggest getting some sort of help to deal with the abuse side of things to get that out of the way and then see how you feel about the dressing which i suspect will still be there afterwards and this is something you could mention to your wife in how would she feel about it if it was still there once you had dealt with the past issues in your life .
I was born this way had cd desires since age 4 or 5 had a very good childhood no abusive of any kind
This is the challenge of self discovery, to find "self" a person must move into, thru and beyond how they were affected and formed by the abuse. My own mother had no concept of boundaries. I was her property and she would do whatever she wished with "it" .
Parents are wounded by what their parents did to them and to make "normal" what was done to them so they can heal their own physic wounds they perform many of the same attrocities against there own children.
Many books address this "Trauma of the Gifted Child", Alice Miller is but one example.
Also diferent children are affected in different ways because each child has a different constitution so will respond differently to trauma much like how soldiers respond differently to war.
Watch youtube videos on shell shocked soldiers and you will understand what it feels like for some children to be abused. I personally had to be treated for PTSD because of what I experienced and most of my abuse was done by words not physical violence but I was born with a very sensitive and gentle nature so was an accident waiting to happen.
in my opinion most if not all of the psychological problems of adulthood have their roots in childhood but it is expressed differently by each person because our constitutional makeup is different.
http://www.psychohistory.com/ , http://ttfuture.org/bonding/love_violence
Purple, but remember there is a world of difference between abuse and discipline. None of it was done to correct and teach me, it was done out of hate and anger (and his childishness in general.) Sadly, in this day and age there is plenty of abuse, and very little discipline.
Silk, I can relate, my old man is in his late 60s, I am 4 inches taller and much bigger than he is, and I still have feelings of fear when (I have to) be around him.