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  1. #1
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    The Buzz is Gone

    I grow old, I grow old
    I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled. . .

    Or something like that. When Philip Marlowe (Raymond Chandler’s detective) was asked what he thought those lines meant, he replied, “Nothing at all.” I’m inclined to agree with him. In any case, I’m not so old yet. And in any case, I don’t want to wear trousers, either. So forget that.

    And yet things are different from the old days. I remember the buzz of excitement long ago in my early adolescence when I was embarking on my journey of self-discovery—or rather the discovery of the mystery and beauty of feminine attire. I wasn’t thinking at all about my self in those days—or for many years thereafter. I was just blindly doing what was so sweet to me.

    And now the buzz is gone. I know that a lot of the girls still get a real buzz whenever they dress, but it’s not like that for me any more. So many years I went without dressing at all, thinking that that was all behind me, a completed chapter of my sorry past. As was to be expected, I was wrong about that. But now that I’m back into it, it’s not the same. The buzz is gone.

    So why dress at all if the buzz is gone, you ask? Because it’s more beautiful now than it ever was before. Lately I’ve had a lot of girly time, a number of days I call “Annabelle Day”, when I get up in the morning and get dressed and spend the whole day and evening without wearing a stitch of male clothing. And it’s beautiful.

    Getting dressed is routine—no excitement, no thrill, no different from getting into drab in the days when I thought drab might be what suited me. So how can it be beautiful? Because it simply feels like me. It feels like at long last, after all my wanderings and hesitations and painful and fruitless detours, at long last I’ve come home.

    I’ve been asking myself, Am I even a crossdresser? And I can hear the world chortling in derision. “Will you not take a look in the mirror, you silly girl/boy? What by the beard of Jove do you think you are?”

    A part of me knows they’re right. Yet another part of me, a part that is now bigger and richer than it used to be, is hurt and baffled. “How can they be getting it so wrong? Crossdresser? What line have I crossed? I’m just here, where I should always have been, going nowhere, taking up my station where I always should have. What I wear is appropriate to my station, my nature, my heart—whatever you want to call it. I embrace it because it is my self, the self I never wanted to consider for so many years. So in what way am I doing wrong, how am I doing anything laughable? Am I really crossdressing? They may say so, but it doesn’t feel that way to me.”

    Some girls have their fantasies of really doing themselves up for a special evening. That would be fun for me, yes, but it isn’t my fantasy. What I fantasize about is quiet, steady, placid, enduring, that deep satisfaction I now feel, those little moments that you string together to make a lifetime. I fantasize about what I now have. Long may it continue.

    The buzz is gone. Do I miss it? No. What I now have I find more beautiful.

    Best wishes, Annabelle

  2. #2
    Joanie sterling12's Avatar
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    Eloquently put, Annabelle. By the way, it's called being transgendered; if we use the older definition. You have now discovered "The Woman inside yourself."

    She's obviously happy, it's just too bad that others haven't as yet discovered that wonderful place.

    Peace and Love, Joanie

  3. #3
    My Ship has sailed? Barbara Ella's Avatar
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    Yes, there are times for everything. I did not get the buzz that a young crossdresser might experience as i began late, and it probably was fleeting, so I cannot miss it or even realize it is gone. I am comfortable in my dressing and recognition of my female side. i am free to wear or not wear feminine clothing. With time I will become at ease with the day to day performance of my duties while en femme. I am young and unsure of myself, even though I know who I am. We have only recently been introduced, and I am getting to know my new friend, and the buzz is gone.

    Barbara
    He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
    - Friedrich Nietzche -
    I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.

  4. #4
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    Thanks to everyone for their contributions here (and to the ones who posted while I was getting my beauty sleep). It's one of the good things about this forum--that whatever your experience, others can relate to it. To buzz or not to buzz, that was the question. People have answered it differently, but we all know what we're on about.

    Best wishes, Annabelle

  5. #5
    Unofficial CD Mom Holly's Avatar
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    Annabelle, your eloquence is stunning. I could have written the same thoughts but you expressed them so beautifully. Life seems "normal" (whatever the heck that means) and terribly more fulfilling. Things just seem right now. Perhaps the buzz is the excitement in knowing we are getting closer the the truth about ourselves? The buzz may be gone but contentment has replaced it.
    Fulltime girl on the inside.
    Lipstick=confidence

    [SIZE=4]Holly[/SIZE]

  6. #6
    Sallee Sallee's Avatar
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    Annabella, very nice I understand completely. It is to bad the buzz is gone I find if I spent lots of time enfemme I to loss the buzz but if I keep it in check and only dress occasionally the buz remains.
    I am looking for the happy medium. Happy your happy
    Enjoy
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Sallee

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by sterling12 View Post
    By the way, it's called being transgendered; if we use the older definition. You have now discovered "The Woman inside yourself."

    Peace and Love, Joanie
    Thanks, Joanie. I haven't been sure up to now what it was. I'm in unfamiliar territory now, but I'm enjoying the exploring.

    Quote Originally Posted by Holly View Post
    Life seems "normal" (whatever the heck that means) and terribly more fulfilling.
    That's just it: it seems normal. It's why it mystifies me in a way that anyone should disapprove of what I'm doing. And yes, it's certainly more fulfilling.

    Thanks to all three of you.

    Best wishes, Annabelle

  8. #8
    Girl in disguise Emily Ann Brown's Avatar
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    Sounds too familar! I am myself 15 hours a day for 5 days then 24 hours for 2 days. And I am out to friends and people I deal with regular. And I can get stuff done now when dressed!

    It is WONDERFUL!!!!

    Em
    Living with a heel in each world.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by KellyJameson View Post
    . . . that is when the true possibilities of life make themselves known . . .
    Quote Originally Posted by Emily Ann Brown View Post
    It is WONDERFUL!!!!
    Em
    Yes, this is what I'm looking for and looking forward to now. It makes you feel hope.

    Annabelle

  10. #10
    Full-Time Duality NathalieX66's Avatar
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    Annabelle, great post! I feel the same way.
    This side of me is too much a part of me that I don't think about the thrill aspect. It may have started out that way at once, but my crossdressing goes back to the days of early childhood. For me, Nathalie is a social creature....as an existential being. Getting out my front door, meeting others, and being a girl in the world has been so much more fun and fulfilling.
    Nowadays I deal with how I manage being an 'out of the closet CD/TG'.
    Last edited by NathalieX66; 04-13-2012 at 03:53 PM.

  11. #11
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
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    Beautiful words of not being a crossdresser but just being, that is when the true possibilities of life make themselves known because than it becomes intimately personal and this is where all true beauty lives.

  12. #12
    Junior Member Michaela51's Avatar
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    Mr. Prufrock would concur...

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member Silentpartner GG SO's Avatar
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    Annabelle I think what you are describing is feeling "comfortable" a bit like when the intense and passionate "thrill" of a new love starts to quieten and you settle into a comfortable and loving relationship.

    It sounds to me as though you are comfortable with who you are and where you are at - you just feel 'right'

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Silentpartner GG SO View Post
    Annabelle I think what you are describing is feeling "comfortable" a bit like when the intense and passionate "thrill" of a new love starts to quieten and you settle into a comfortable and loving relationship.
    Yes, well I don't know anything about that. I know about the "passionate thrill of a new love starts to quieten" part. But the settling "into a comfortable and loving relationship" is something that I've missed out on. Sorry.

    Quote Originally Posted by Silentpartner GG SO View Post
    It sounds to me as though you are comfortable with who you are and where you are at - you just feel 'right'
    But yes, I know a little something about this. Or maybe that's what I'm in the process of learning.

    Best wishes, Annabelle

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member Silentpartner GG SO's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Annabelle Larousse View Post
    Yes, well I don't know anything about that. I know about the "passionate thrill of a new love starts to quieten" part. But the settling "into a comfortable and loving relationship" is something that I've missed out on. Sorry.
    sorry to hear that Annabelle - but while there's breath in your body there's still hope!

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Silentpartner GG SO View Post
    sorry to hear that Annabelle - but while there's breath in your body there's still hope!
    You're right. As the great man said, "You thought that it could never happen to all the people you became. . ."

  17. #17
    Aspiring Member StarrOfDelite's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Annabelle Larousse View Post
    [I][B]I grow old, I grow old
    I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled. . .

    Or something like that. When Philip Marlowe (Raymond Chandler’s detective) was asked what he thought those lines meant, he replied, “Nothing at all.” I’m inclined to agree with him. In any case, I’m not so old yet. And in any case, I don’t want to wear trousers, either. So forget that.
    A stupendously great post, quoting both T.S. Eliot and Raymond Chandler! However, remember that when Howard Hawks, who directed the movie, couldn't figure out who killed the Sternwood's chauffer in The Big Sleep he asked Chandler for the answer and the writer replied that he had no idea. So, quoting Chandler speaking as Marlowe isn't like exactly like tapping into the combined knowledge of Einstein, Hubblle and Hawking.
    Last edited by StarrOfDelite; 04-15-2012 at 09:32 PM.

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