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Thread: Baby steps...

  1. #1
    If only you could see me sarahcsc's Avatar
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    Baby steps...

    Hi ladies,

    I'm still lacking in confidence and couldn't make myself go out. Everybody has been very kind to me on the forum by telling me to go out and I get the impression that most of ya'll like the way I look. (I hope I'm not conceited here!) But I'm still finding it hard to leave the house simply because I'm always worried about the little things.

    "What if I see someone I know?"
    "what if my wig gets blown away?"
    "what if I trip and fell on my heels?"
    "What if it rains, or I sweat, and ruins my makeup!?"

    Can anybody suggest baby steps I could take to have a graduated approach to leaving the house?

    Thanks..

    Love,
    Sarah

  2. #2
    Miriam
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    Every action (or inaction) in our lives carries risk and opportunity, Sarah. Yes, many bad things might happen, but good things can happen as well. Only you can decide if the opportunities outweigh the risks.

    When you switch the stove on, you gain an opportunity to heat your food and perhaps have a great meal. But the stove might blow up or catch fire. If you focus only on the bad, you miss the opportunity for that great meal. Once you begin to look at life this way, many risks begin to pale.

    Still, don't feel driven to go out unless it's important to you. What do you hope to gain from it? Some on this forum emphasize that every CD should go out some of the time (or more), but there are others who are quite comfortable at home. There's one very long thread on this just couple of days. If the potential gains are important to you, figure out how to deal with the risks and get out there. Chances are it won't be as bad as you fear.

    Good luck as you deal with this, and I look forward to hearing how it goes for you.

    Miriam

  3. #3
    Junior Member Crystal Rose's Avatar
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    I find that two things help you to take steps, don't go all out start with something small and go from there, maybe paint your nails and wear some open shoes out. Go shopping or a mundane task, builds confidence and second just forget everything around you focus on what you are doing ignore those around you and enjoy it.

  4. #4
    "A glass of wine anytime" rachaelsloane's Avatar
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    Sarah,
    If there is a TG group in your area, that is a good way to get comfortable while out as you're amongst friends. It does goes get a lot easier and more natural every time thereafter.
    For the things that might happen, you'll take them in stride and act as natural as you do in guy mode when ....it happens. Early on in my going out, one night my room key at the hotel did not work and I had to go to the front desk to get a new one, so I asked for a new key, and the clerk at the desk got me one, I said thank you and went up to my room. I did what needed to be done and did not panic.
    Hopefully this helps,
    Rachael

  5. #5
    Platinum Member
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    At some point you just have to face your fears and take the plunge. Otherwise your trapped by your imagination. You are clearly more than ready. No one will recognize you, it wont rain and your wig wont blow off. Enough baby steps..just do it'

  6. #6
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    I've heard people say that out of all your worries in life only 5-10% of those worries are worth worring about. The older I get the more I believe it. If you want to do something in life and you listen to your imagination of what might happen then you will never try those things. Our fear and imagination can kill all the fun if we let it.
    Cus D'mato and I'm hoping I am spelling his name correctly used to train boxers and said say fear is like fire. Fire can be your friend, heat your house, keep you alive etc but let it get out of control and it will burn you and your house down.
    Do it and it will probably go better than you think.

  7. #7
    My Ship has sailed? Barbara Ella's Avatar
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    I know/hope I will do this sometime, and face the same concerns. Go out of town for the first times. Wear flats or low heels. Check the Weather channel and avoid rain or windy days.

    I don't know what type of day out you want, but keep it simple. Drop off mail at a drive by mail box. If you like, park, and walk to the box. Drop off a bag of old clothes at goodwill, and get out of the car to put it in. You can do it, and that is that.

    Barbara
    He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
    - Friedrich Nietzche -
    I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.

  8. #8
    Makeup addict!
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    My advice would be go out when it gets a bit darker and there's not as many people outside. That's what I do

  9. #9
    California Dreamin Michaelasfun's Avatar
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    Hey Sarah..

    What I did to build up was not go for the glam look first trip out the door. What I mean is, I bought some pink capri sweatpants and a matching tshirt, wore some of my "guy" tennis shoes without socks for a more girly footwear look, and wore one of my more unisex looking jackets with a hood, and *purposely* picked a crappy day so I would have an excuse to have my hood up and conceal myself more for my own security. Then, went shopping for everyday items at the local grocery that had a self-checkout I could use so as not to interact with anybody. Now, I'm more comfortable and can go out as you see me in my avatar and although still a bit scared, more bolstered by my experience. To answer your questions the way I would react is:

    -If you see someone you know? Act like you don't know them (after all, you've never met them in *this* persona).
    -If my wig gets blown away? My .02 here is avoidance is best - pick up some regular bobby pins at the store and pin your wig cap to your real hair in several places, works great.
    -Heel problems I can't answer cuz I wear flats and haven't graduated to heels yet lol
    -I've seen a million girls with messed up makeup, for some its called a "goth" look and perfectly normal for them just carry some baby wipes and some backup makeup in your bag for emergencies.

    Looking forward to hearing about your excursions!
    Michaela


    If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. - Rush

  10. #10
    Aspiring Member KimberlyJean's Avatar
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    Alot of us start by driving around, at first you think everyone can tell but then you realize no one looks at you or even notices. My first interaction was with a gas station clerk, I purchased a car wash when I pumped my gas. I finished up and the pump said "See Attendant" I didn't know what to do at first. Did it not take my card and I would drive off without paying? I decided I was going to go shopping and might as well start here, I went in and the attendant was very nice and treated me like a woman. She called me babe and that still makes me feel good!

  11. #11
    California Dreamin Michaelasfun's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KimberlyJean View Post
    Alot of us start by driving around, at first you think everyone can tell but then you realize no one looks at you or even notices. My first interaction was with a gas station clerk, I purchased a car wash when I pumped my gas. I finished up and the pump said "See Attendant" I didn't know what to do at first. Did it not take my card and I would drive off without paying? I decided I was going to go shopping and might as well start here, I went in and the attendant was very nice and treated me like a woman. She called me babe and that still makes me feel good!
    Wow, that sounds like divine providence guiding you to your first interaction, and you got a "babe" to boot? Score!

    My unexpected "occurrence" was at the self-check at the grocery; I bought a six pack of beer and I forgot that the routine is for the machine to stop and call the attendant to check ID!! I just about flipped, but she just came over and asked "Maam, you're over 21, aren't you?" Talk about going from scared witless to being "validated"!!
    Michaela


    If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. - Rush

  12. #12
    Member Kim Young's Avatar
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    Hi Sarah,

    A lot of the suggestions here have been very good. For baby steps, pick an errand to do that might not draw too much attention to yourself and just do it. I started out by dropping off mail in the mailbox, and then going for walks when it got darker. It may be difficult for you, but try not to look too sexy ;-) Try a lower heel, a longer skirt, less cleavage, etc. I wouldn't dress down too much, or you may as well go out there in drab.

    And like the others have said, the best way to get over your confidence issues is to just get out there. Do something small but do something. Your confidence will just build up as you get out there and realize that you belong out there and what everyone else sees is a pretty lady going about her own business. Get your purse, heels you can walk in, and get out there and swing those hips of yours. You won't regret getting out there. You'll only regret not going.

    And good luck.

    Kim

  13. #13
    Gold Member
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    I am all for going to group meetings to get the jitters out of not being in the safety of your own house. What I think is a great next step is going out during the day and do something that is outdoors. Visit a Farmer's Market or go to a zoo. Then there are things that you can do if you want to, as they may or may not fit with your dressing style. Put on some sunglasses as they can help you relax some on the possibility of being recognized. Maybe dress down a little if you are okay with it. Wear something flat on your feet. Mix and match any of these.

    My first time out I wore a pink sweater, jeans, and moccasins. I felt comfortable and didn't feel like I was head and shoulders above everyone by wearing 4" heels. I certainly was comfortable with being dressed in a low key way that eased my nerves. Once you start feeling like it isn't a problem going out, than you can expand your clothing selections to other items you want to wear. And also, going to indoor places without the sunglasses becomes easier.

    It is a very scary thing to go out the first time no matter how much you want to. So think about the things that make you nervous and minimize them while you develop your comfort zone.

  14. #14
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    tips

    Quote Originally Posted by sarahcsc View Post
    Hi ladies,

    I'm still lacking in confidence and couldn't make myself go out. Everybody has been very kind to me on the forum by telling me to go out and I get the impression that most of ya'll like the way I look.

    You look wonderful and that's the truth. You should have no issue with confidence in how you look if you want to go out.

    "What if I see someone I know?"

    Do you really think that they would recognize you like this? Unless that's your natural hair and you wear it that way all the time no one would recognize you. I went shopping with a cd friend near her home and she feared that. We entered the mall and withing 2 minutes there was someone she'd known all her life coming towards us and looking right at us. He never suspected a thing...and who would. People don't go about looking at women wondering if they are some guy that they know. The appearance alone triggers something mentally that avoids that comparison.

    "what if my wig gets blown away?"

    Invest in some double sided wig tape available at any salon. It works great and it will take a tornado to blow your wig off....relax and enjoy the world.

    "what if I trip and fell on my heels?"

    Don't you think that's happened to women for decades?? Get back up and keep going, it's not the end of the world. If you are unsure on heels wear a lower heel or flats. Women don't wear heels everywhere they go and you don't have to either.

    "What if it rains, or I sweat, and ruins my makeup!?"

    Carry an umbrella, use your A/C in your car and don't forget, the malls are air conditioned. Don't go to the beach and sunbath, use a sauna, or hot tub. Common sense will help you avoid situations that will affect your makeup.
    I've been caught in downpours and gotten my hair soaked. I just head to the ladies room and dry it with some paper towels, brush it out and live with it. It happens to women all the time.


    Can anybody suggest baby steps I could take to have a graduated approach to leaving the house?

    Go for an evening drive somewhere, anywhere, nowhere...
    One foot in front of the other is how I do it.
    You don't have to give a speech to a stadium audience your first time out. Just take a walk, a drive, anything. Go to a park for a stroll on a sunny day. Take your camera and look like a tourist. Don't avoid people as that looks odd, just smile and have a great time.

    These are the things that I would suggest for you.
    I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !

  15. #15
    Senior Member michelleddg's Avatar
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    Hi Sarah,

    Just a couple of thoughts. If you wait until your checklist of concerns has been completely filled in you'll never go out. There will always be something holding you back. Gotta take a little risk!

    Even given this, that first time out will take some doing. For me, I needed to practically switch my brain off and have an out-of-body experience. Instead of thinking "I'm doing this, I'm doing this" I went nearly unconscious and just did it.

    My big outing for quite a long time was putting gas in the car. Wow, huh? Folks can see you but only at a distance and you don't need to interact with anybody. Gotta start somewhere, right?

    Lastly, it does get easier :-) Hugs, Michelle

  16. #16
    Member wendy360's Avatar
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    Just walking out of the house is half the battle. Once out get past that, go out for a drive or walk around a neighborhood you feel safe in. Most of all think of an area or place you can go and feel comfortable and safe. If I am planning on going out and I think of a place I have been to before I will go there in drab and check it out so when I go dressed I will be more confident.

  17. #17
    Senior Member Princess29's Avatar
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    Sarah-there is an event coming up soon a few hours from sydney where you'll be able to dress completely in girl mode in a safe environment amongst many like minded individuals. Its kind of an "invasion" of a town in the blue mountains but there is golf, dinners, outtings etc and it will be safety in numbers.
    I can give you some more info if you like

    Mel

  18. #18
    Banned Read only
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    Sarah,

    First, remember it is all in your head. It really is. The worry and fear are yours to control. Next, no one is "looking" for crossdressers but women will take a second look at other women. You will be made on occasion. When I was able to accept that last fact, it was easy to go out. Now, it is easier to go out with a friend, a natural female would be ideal. She will help you pass. If you can not, go places where women frequently go alone: the shopping mall. Wear what women wear at the mall. It's unlikely that women in NZ wear ball gowns to the mall, for example. Flats, skirt, conservative top, all goes toward passing and will make it more enjoyable for you. Evening time is better than high noon as your make up will show less.

    If you really want a baby step, go fill up your car with gas. You have to leave the house but are int he protection of your car. You have to get out to fill up but the pumps are between you and the the next person.

    It's your fear to control. Good luck

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