~On the road to Erin~
No More Holding Back (for the most part)!
Well, this is a long one so if you're not in the reading mood, you might want to turn around and walk away.
Have you ever said "screw it" and told all of your friends about what's going on? I did and it feels good. I was going to wait a while before coming "out" but I've been thinking about an E-Mail exchange I had with my grandpa the other day. My uncle, with his big mouth, told my grandpa that I'm trans. My grandpa, being the type of Mormon that he is, decided to send me a three-page essay-thingy written by some religious dude, who also happens to be gay. The guy explains his homosexual life as "wrong", "disgusting" and caused by being "misprogrammed".
I read it and I had a few laughs. Afterward, I sent a cordial reply stating that I'm not "misprogrammed" and that this isn't some sort of mental disorder. I said "it's not like I woke up one day and said to myself 'I think I'm going to become a girl'". To throw it back in his face even harder, I informed him that homosexuality and transsexualism are two completely different things. I mentioned to him that I'm not gay but to mess with his head a bit, at the end of the E-Mail, I did write: "Well, I suppose when you think about it, when I fully identify as a female (which will happen, nobody will be able to stop me), chances are, I will still be attracted to females, which will make me a lesbian.".
I don't think he took my response well ("I wish you the best; I know you're busy so no need to reply; blah blah") and yes, it does bug me a little bit. It's not the fact that he personally won't accept it, it's the fact that he tried shoving this religious bullshit (no offense if you're religious) down my ****ing throat. Anyway, after thinking about this for a couple days, I removed close to 40 friends from my lolFacebook Friends List (people I know who'd give me shit and/or resent me) and posted the following:
"O.K. so after removing 40-something people from my Friends List, I have decided to make an announcement: I am in the process of deleting Steve *lastname*. No, I do not mean from Facebook but rather my identity as Steve *lastname*. I was going to wait a while before making this announcement but screw it, I can't hold it in anymore.
That being said, if you're a closed-minded person, I don't want you in my life. If you're against the LGBT community, I don't want you in my life (to answer your immediate question, no, I am not attracted to men). After spending some time thinking about a conversation with a family member a couple of days ago, I have realized that I need to find out who my real friends are and who will be supportive of the transition I am making. This is not a "misprogramming" or a "curable mental illness". This is something that I dealt with over a course of a few years until it progressed to a state to where it was unbearable. I made my final decision to move forward after a very bad emotional breakdown at the end of last year.
I know that I'm not revealing what I'm talking about in this post and if you give a shit, message me. I'm sure that there will be a lot of questions and I don't want to flood this update with them. I will openly answer your questions as long as they're serious questions. Any intentional scrutiny and/or negativity will promptly result in you getting cut out from my life."
Even though it's going to be a while before I fully transition (work is one of the last steps), I don't regret announcing this. Even though I'm only a month into HRT, a month is long enough for me to know that I am on the right path. I was going to wait until I was ready to live my life as Erin, even if only outside of work until I reached out to one of our LGBT focals. People say that you should never come out too soon but I honestly think that I waited long enough; it's time to let the bad seeds weed themselves out.
Good choice. It's like a hard one but once made there is little to go back for. Now you can like start to live your life without all the drama of pretending to be someone you aren't and spend the energy concentrating or wutever on getting it done. I think though, you might have held off on the 40 "deletes' in your life. I lost a lot of so called friends that dropped me like a hot potato and amazingly some of those I just like knew for sure were going to give me grief turned out to be my truest supporters. The good news is that from this point on concerning new friends and acquaintances you'll only be known as the name (Erin) and person you want to present. There will be no past with this new group, only the future. If there are those who want nothing to like do with you, you'll likely not be interacting with them anyway. Believe me, although there are tough times ahead, they're so totally easier to handle without that "other' life to any longer interfere. Unfortunately, sometimes even family has to be tossed on the wayside, but believe me you're like so totally better off w/o the drama. Remember, if anyone has a problem with you....it's not your problem, it's theirs. Congrats on a big step to becoming a happier, true to yourself person. .
~On the road to Erin~
When I think about it, maybe I did jump the gun a bit on removing so many people. Then again, I did weed out some people that I don't talk to anymore, as well as people I don't want to associate with in general. There are some that I removed for this purpose and I was 100% sure that I would get crap from them, such as my neighbors (not for long!). I've been friends with them for years and I know how they are: they're those religious types that aren't bible-thumping but rather "homosexuality is a sin and gay people are ****ed in the head". I once had to bite my tongue while being told this by their dad. Plus, I used to hear it all of the time when I was over there, since our other neighbors are lesbian. Stuff like "I think one of the lesbians got a sex change, she walks like a man" or random singing of YMCA.
Plus, I don't want them to tell my father, since they know my dad (I'm not telling my dad).
Well, that's that!
To be honest, while I completely understand the impulse, the decision sounds more emotional than rational. Your tone is quite angry. You may not care about fallout right now, but you may later on. Would it work out any differently had you taken another course of action? There's no way to tell, but it seems like opportunity lost.
Your grandfather at least cares, however misinformed he might be. I'm familiar with the various "types" of Mormons (I'm LDS, and no offense taken at all, BTW), and they typically have good motivations.
I hope things work out for you. Sometimes a confrontational approach is necessary, but more often it introduces yet another piece of drama to overcome rather than reducing it.
~On the road to Erin~
I agree, the decision was pretty emotionally-based, which is very odd since I'm a very logical, analytical person. However, I have always been a pretty emotional person but learned how to hide/ignore my emotions, thanks to how my father influenced me while growing up (I'm not really thankful for this, really...). I suppose I just got tired of holding it in and keeping it a secret.
Originally Posted by Lea Paine
Sometimes those secrets are eating you up inside so bad they just have to be let out. There is a lot of freedom when you are OK with who you are and don't have to hide it.
Last edited by arbon; 04-13-2012 at 11:58 PM.
Follow your feelings and I think you will do just fine.
Well after reading that, it gives me the impetus to do the same. I told a group of my so called friends 17 years ago. I had them all assembled in a pub and promptly came out with what I wished to do ( transition to a female ). Well what a disaster that was!!!! That night my friend count went from 40+ to about 3. My so called friends deserted me at the time I needed them the most I realised at that point, friends are only the people that we call friends. True friends stick by us no matter what happens. Mind you, if I put that statement on my FB page, I think my friends that I have now would just tell me to get on with it and tell them something new I think they realise, but won't say anything until I bring the subject up. I think that family are the biggest headache to tell, as they become all righteous on us, whereas friends just seem to let things roll past them. I hope that everything works out ok for you and your Grandpa learns to understand you better. What gets me about the religious types is, In the bible it tells us to love thy neighbour, but none of the religious types ever seem to want to do that. Why is that the case?? Any thoughts on that anyone?
Well, its out there now. A day or so has passed. What is your friend count to day Xulvalhalla? Those that stay with you are either true friends or want something from you. It is for you to figure that out. You will find that your friend list will look rather different from here on out.
Last edited by Jorja; 04-14-2012 at 11:38 AM.
~On the road to Erin~
This is something that I often wonder as well. There's a lot of hypocrisy in religion and people tend to forget why religion exists in the first place. I'm guessing that people are against anything not in the binary system because it "defies" God, since God created humans to "work" one way. I don't know....I don't deny the existence of a higher power because there isn't any evidence disproving the existence of such an entity. I do, however, believe in life after death, as well as the possibility of Progressive Creationism. I do not believe in organized religion.
Originally Posted by StacieJayne
Lots and lots of questions and positive reactions. As you could tell, I was pretty vague with my post but it all came out in its comments. My friend Shaun responded with "Steve .. Does this mean your going to become a woman? lol" and another friend of mine responded with "yes steve.....yes it does" (she already knew). I responded with "Stop calling me out!" and lastly, she wrote "hey im not.....you called yourself out LOL". Shaun hasn't unfriended (is this even a word?) from lolFB but I haven't heard anything else from him since his comment. Some of the people I thought wouldn't take it so well (that I left as FB friends) actually took it pretty well. A friend of mine who I have known for about 13 years was very intrigued and honestly, I thought he was going to give me grief. He called me 3 times last night with legitimate questions he came up with. Numerous times during our conversations, he praised me and told me that what am I doing is very courageous. I saw a side of him I have never seen before.
Originally Posted by Jorja