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Thread: Anyone considered TS that abondons the idea of transition?

  1. #1
    Senior Member emmicd's Avatar
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    Anyone considered TS that abondons the idea of transition?

    I realize my feelings are intense as I become older. I have been TG my whole life and I always identified as female. I often wonder if there are TG and TS individuals out there who feel these same feelings I do but for one reason or the other have made the decision that they will never transition.
    I have many reasons why I would transition and equally as many reasons why I wouldn't.

    I am just trying to understand life and choice.

    I agree I did not make the choice of TG/TS and I klnow I would be much happier as a woman or I feel that way. I crossdress every day of my life now but it is always concealed underneath male clothing. I feel trapped but have no way right now of being free. Has anyone just felt so in pain about it but never pursues transition and still goes on in their life and try to find some measure of happiness.

    For me my measure of happiness would be to forge a strong and loving relationship with my son. In fact I am keeping my fingers crossed hoping he will enjoy playing baseball in a league setting. He needs to learn and adapt. I can certainly teach him these things. He is always my pride and joy.

    I also have a wife who does not understand me in my feminine life and it would be so very difficult for her to underatand transition.

    Transition for me seems like the dream I will never ever experience because I have a life forged to strongly as a male and the sad thing is that I am and always felt I was a female and my most favorite clothes in the whole world are dresses. I wear them every day but secretly.

    I wish all who feel the way I do hope and happiness and a sens of love for themselves and all the people important to them.

    emmi

  2. #2
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    Emmi, we are all different, EVERY possibility is on the table..

    it is your life...

    I'm sorry but what I did, what she did, what he did and what others did is going to have zero impact on your quality of life.

    We can all share our experience to help others, but then its up to you..

    ...you should assume that the answer to every question that starts with "Has anyone ever....." is yes...

    Check this wiki out...it describes where you are in life quite well..

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buridan%27s_ass

  3. #3
    Gold Member Jorja's Avatar
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    That was a very good wiki Kaitlyn. I saved it for later use.

    In answer to your question Emmi, yes, there are TS's that never transition. Their reasons are as numerous as their excuses. We can't fault them for their decision though. They made a decision in their life and have lived by it. What more can anyone ask for?
    Jorja

    I may not be perfect, but parts of me are pretty damn awesome!

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jorja View Post
    That was a very good wiki Kaitlyn. I saved it for later use.
    Thanks..

    I recall in my group everybody would always say..it's a catch 22...or its a hobson's choice...as a mathematician, i'd say no...it's a buriden's ass!!..and they'd all look at me like i was psycho..which of course i was...

  5. #5
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    Emmi,


    No one would blame you if you feel the road of transition is too difficult.
    A person transitions because they have no other choice.
    It sounds like the need to transition does not stand out as a do or die proposition for you and that is a very good thing.
    The statistics are that only one out of every ten trans people will transition to full time.
    You my sister have to come to a peace and understanding of your circumstances and either live with the probable loss that you would suffer from transitioning or remain as you are and keep what you have.
    You are in understandable pain but you have to either live with it and forge a balance or roll the dice and move forward with transition.
    Both are wrought with pain but the latter is much more painful for most in the long run.
    Be brave and be strong for you Emmi.


    Julia

  6. #6
    The Girl will Out! Kaz's Avatar
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    Hi Emmi, I have faced similar challenges to what you describe and can empathise. My life choices have created a world that whilst offering the potential for some considerable change is nevertheless complex and I am not willing to give this world up to live as a full time female. My responsibilities to others outweigh my own feelings... that is just who I am. I also have age and early onset male pattern baldness working against me. I would always need a wig, even if I went for the full package, and then I would never feel really female (well as far as we can with surgery and HRT)...

    So I am resigned to where I am and am just trying to make the most of it and figure out to make it work whilst giving Kaz more 'air time'...

    I really do believe there is 'space' in between TS and TG that needs to be explored, and too heavy a focus on categorisation tends to cut off the dialogue and exploratory rhetoric that help many of us figure out who we are..
    Kaz xx

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  7. #7
    New Member StacieJayne's Avatar
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    I too have faced this crossroads on many occasions in my life. Do I go on with what I feel I want or do I stay keeping the peace for everybody else???? At the end of the day, you have to go with what you feel is the right choice for you. The word to look at closely is ' choice '. We all choose different things to do in our lives every day. Some may be right and others disastrously wrong. Only you can make those choices I'm afraid Sorry to tell you that, as I know how difficult decisions are to make. But would I be right in saying, "stay as you are" ? That could make your life worse. Or should I say, "go on do what you want/need from life", that could be even worse. I don't know, as I am not you. At this moment in time, I am taking an assertive course and the optimum word they keep reiterating is 'choice'. We all have a 'choice', it is up to us how we 'choose' to use that 'choice'. I wish I could make choices for you and help you out in your dilemma Sorry that I am not being much help, but maybe one day the right choice will show itself to you and you can then make your decision. Love Stacie.
    Life is what we make it....and I am making my life to be the best I can

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  8. #8
    Silver Member Kathryn Martin's Avatar
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    There are many Transsexual persons that do not transition for a variety of reasons.

    You know this question of staying the course or taking the plunge is a very legitimate question. If, however, you cannot take the plunge because of someone other than you or because the fear is too great, it will forever haunt you and be a burden on your life. If you resile from steps to and thoughts of transition because of your own choice made and stood by then I would say to you what I said to a friend recently:

    [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]"On this post I want to just let you know how much I understand and appreciate the position you have found yourself in. I take from your comments that your spouse is fully aware of everything going on and it seems that certainly your decision not to transition is yours alone and not generated by a fear of losing your spouse.[/SIZE][/FONT]

    [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]I eventually hit a point in my life where all the stars converged to permit me to take my step into life affirmed. [/SIZE][/FONT]

    [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2]Hang in there, giving way is not always the right response and staying the course in your life is so fundamentally human it's heartening."

    Staying the course can be a show of strength just as much as transitioning. But do it for the right reasons.

    My best

    Kathryn
    [/SIZE][/FONT]

    Quote Originally Posted by emmicd View Post
    I realize my feelings are intense as I become older. I have been TG my whole life and I always identified as female. I often wonder if there are TG and TS individuals out there who feel these same feelings I do but for one reason or the other have made the decision that they will never transition.
    I have many reasons why I would transition and equally as many reasons why I wouldn't.

    I am just trying to understand life and choice.

    I agree I did not make the choice of TG/TS and I klnow I would be much happier as a woman or I feel that way. I crossdress every day of my life now but it is always concealed underneath male clothing. I feel trapped but have no way right now of being free. Has anyone just felt so in pain about it but never pursues transition and still goes on in their life and try to find some measure of happiness.

    For me my measure of happiness would be to forge a strong and loving relationship with my son. In fact I am keeping my fingers crossed hoping he will enjoy playing baseball in a league setting. He needs to learn and adapt. I can certainly teach him these things. He is always my pride and joy.

    I also have a wife who does not understand me in my feminine life and it would be so very difficult for her to underatand transition.

    Transition for me seems like the dream I will never ever experience because I have a life forged to strongly as a male and the sad thing is that I am and always felt I was a female and my most favorite clothes in the whole world are dresses. I wear them every day but secretly.

    I wish all who feel the way I do hope and happiness and a sens of love for themselves and all the people important to them.

    emmi
    "Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)

    The Transsexed

  9. #9
    Senior Member emmicd's Avatar
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    Thank you to all of you for your insight and advice. I have been down this road before and have raised the possibilty of transition as early as my mid 20s's but family illness and my own need to make a living made me abandon the idea. I have identified as female all my life. In fact I am so very feminine in the types of clothes I like to wear but I am trapped and can not wear them other than in the house. I have never had a feeling of being accepted for who I am and deep down that is all I am asking for. I just want to be the girl I always knew I am and finally wear all the beautiful dresses I own that adorn my closet. I only wear them at night in my loneliness when my family sleeps. This is such a difficult existence and leads me to depression, anxiety and probably eventually to an early exit.

    I love my family and I am very much conflicted.

    Being TG is a real pain!

    emmi

  10. #10
    Silver Member Raquel June's Avatar
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    It is like Buridan's Ass, because you're going to starve to death standing in the middle not being able to make a choice. You have to make choices that actually give you the opportunity to be happy. If your wife doesn't understand you and doesn't think your crossdressing is cool, are you really going to be happy with her? Choose her or choose transition. But staying with her in a non-relationship while you're still crossdressing everyday is not choosing your wife. It's torturing both of you. I mean, seriously, is it something you have to do every day? That just seems mean. Maybe if you cut way down on the crossdressing, like every other weekend (and then every other weekend actually go out with your wife), you would eventually find out that she resents it even if you're not actively demonstrating it. I think that's often the case (because women who are disgusted by guys with gender issues are still disgusted by them even if they're not wearing a dress). My ex called me a fag in a dress when I hadn't worn a dress in a year. Regardless, my point is that you can sit there being unhappy or you can make a choice. Maybe your choice will not work out. Maybe you'll choose your wife and realize (as I'm sure is the case) that's it's not a good relationship even if you don't crossdress. Maybe you'll transition and regret that. Maybe there's a third choice -- not transitioning, but finding someone who does understand you. But you know you'll regret doing absolutely nothing. Unless these are truly feelings you can forget about. But I kinda doubt that seeing as you've been on this forum longer than I have. Of course, you can always get divorced the day your son graduates high school.

    I'm just saying you need to have a plan that actually gives you the potential to be happy, and it sounds like you don't. It sounds like you've accepted being unhappy. And that'll mess you up and the people around you.
    [SIZE="1"][FONT=Tahoma]
    And I'm alive. And I'm alone. And I never wanted to be either of those.
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  11. #11
    Leisure Lady Vivian Best's Avatar
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    There are many of us that made the "hard choice" to not transition! For me, I thought marriage would "cure" me, it didn't! I thought being a parent would change me, it didn't! So now I've got a family that I love and don't want to hurt so I live with my inner hurt. I've been able to live a good life and have a good career and retire but being TS never changed and never will. My kids are grown and gone and I've been married 50+ years. This is one time I put family and their feelings first. Easy, absolutely not! At least I'm past the stage of wanting to end it all. As I've aged my knowing I'm TS hasn't lessened but I've learned to live with it. Here's hoping any that make a choice to not transition can come to a point of acceptance in their life.
    Vivian

  12. #12
    Silver Member darla_g's Avatar
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    I don't think I've shared this before but I do know someone that has gone through the transition , twice!

    They were originally a fairly typical male, dated and had relationships with women.

    One day they announced that they were TS and over the course of a few years had a series of surgeries (implants, FFS etc) and became a legal trans woman. She even ended up meeting and marrying a TS male and they lived together for a few years. (don't remember the specifics)

    Eventually they divorced and had a series of setbacks , loss of job etc. Eventually she met another woman GG and they began to live together. Over a period of time this person convinced her that she as not Trans and should be a male. This happened, the implants were removed and she went back to being a male except that all the other surgeries had been completed. Needless to say it was less than a year and then they broke up.

    This is probably over 10 years ago, and I haven't seen she/he since we had a falling out over something entirely unrelated. Last i heard maybe a year ago she went back to being a Trans woman.

    and so i mention this as part of this thread not because i am trying to convince anyone not to do this, but be aware that it can go terribly wrong for some people.

  13. #13
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    Emmi, Emmi, Emmi. You are not transition material. You are not a woman. You just want to wear the clothes. That's great. That's great because you CAN. Yes, dear. You can. And for not a whole lot of money, pain, or turmoil.

    Look dear, people who transition do so because they HAVE to transition. For many, it's transition or death. You are no where near that situation. I have read your posts. You want to present as female and wear female clothes. Simple. Just do it. You don't ever have to transition. You don't ever have to go through the pain and expense of transition. You don't ever have to tear your family apart. Just wear the clothes.

    Middle aged ladies are boring. They wear boring clothes. They do boring things like knit and go to meetings. Nobody will care. Just do it. If you can hold your end up in the bedroom, your wife will likely stop worrying that she is gonna lose her husband. In a relatively short time, people will accept that you are that slightly weird guy who wears woman's clothes. Stop worrying about transition. It's not for you. Honest. Own up to your weirdness. It's SO much easier (and far cheaper) (do you have a spare $50,000 laying around?) than transition.

    You can do this, dear. Yes you can. You can have it all.

    Stephie

  14. #14
    Aspiring Member Kristy_K's Avatar
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    Emmi if you really needed to transition you would not be asking us. You would just do it. Period.....
    Kristy
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  15. #15
    Senior Member emmicd's Avatar
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    yes, you are right and everyone here is helpful because transitioning is not such an easy decision and i wish to understand. i have cried many tears and always wondered why i always felt this way. i even had bouts with depression and have contemplated suicide. i come here as a resource because i feel all alone. it is very painful and i am having a very difficult time. if you want me to go away then i will. i am sorry for putting my feelings out there. good bye!

    emmi

  16. #16
    T-1000 Killer Dinosaur Anne2345's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by emmicd View Post
    i come here as a resource because i feel all alone. it is very painful and i am having a very difficult time. if you want me to go away then i will. i am sorry for putting my feelings out there. good bye!
    Please do not go away, and do not shy away from expressing your emotions and feelings here. You are not alone, and this forum is a resource. You have been a member here much longer than I, so you must know that much good can come of your participation. As in the outside world, though, opinions and perspectives vary. But this is a strength of the forum, and life in general. Sort through it all, apply it to your circumstances, and hopefully something positive will come of it. Regardless, do not apologize for expressing yourself and your feelings. That's what we are here for . . . .
    Twenty hours later . . . .

  17. #17
    That's right, I did it Sharon's Avatar
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    No one asked you to go away, Emmi, and I would smack them upside their head if they did.

    We all know -- well, those of us who have actually done it -- how difficult transitioning can be and the tough choices that need to be addressed and overcome. It is not something to be undertaken if one isn't at the emotional state where there is no choice but to transition. If there are serious doubts, then more sober soul searching and/or therapy must be first undertaken.
    I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
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    I would be interested in knowing if you have sought out and obtained the services of a therapist versed in gender issues. You have posted multiple times about your feelings and in one post you even declared your intentions to start transition and asked about Premarin. You seem to be going in circles, TS or CD, transition or no transition, you could really benefit from counseling.

  19. #19
    Senior Member Kelsy's Avatar
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    Hi Emmi,

    You need to ask yourself "can I be happy and fulfilled by maintaining the status quo?" Will the what ifs dog you for the rest of your life? Fear of the unknown can keep you frozen in your tracks. Moving forward with transition offers no guarantees of happiness or of relationships preserved. What can you live with!? What can you live with out? Ultimately if you do not have stength of drive and the need is not a matter of do or die then don't. If you tend to hold regrets and get mired in depression
    because of personal loss then don't. Keep in mind that transition presents incredible new experiences, friends and choices. you discover that so many people will truly love you for who you are. My experience with all of my troubles has been very positive and life affirming and I'm happier now than I have ever been!


    Kelsy
    Last edited by Kelsy; 04-15-2012 at 07:54 AM.
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  20. #20
    Aspiring Member Kristy_K's Avatar
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    Emmi I could not imagine anyone wanting you to leave the forum.

    Accepting one self is I think harder than transitioning in some ways.
    Kristy
    This is my Facebook page

  21. #21
    Aspiring Member Pamela Kay's Avatar
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    Emmi, please understand that most of us are dealing with our TS issues and confusion is often the norm. The other thing to remember is that when you ask everyone for their opinion, you get it. Sometimes passionately.

    No one here has the exact same situation as the someone else and all we can do is let you know what we are doing, thinking, and have done. You have to sort through that and consider how it would apply to your situation, then you use what works for you and leave that which doesn't.

    Nobody wants you to leave, you just have to remember that we aren't all experts on your situation and take our advice as just that. This forum is a great resource with lots of opinions and information, only you can decide how you can use that or apply it in your situation.

    So please stick around.
    Pam

    "I am a stronger woman than I ever was a man." Living full time since Oct 14th 2012.

  22. #22
    wine flavored kisses Badtranny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by emmicd View Post
    In fact I am so very feminine in the types of clothes I like to wear but I am trapped and can not wear them other than in the house. I just want to be the girl I always knew I am and finally wear all the beautiful dresses I own that adorn my closet.
    Emmi,

    You keep saying things that raise the eyebrows of a lot of the TS girls. I read your posts and I want to offer something but I cannot relate to your situation. I believe your turmoil is real, such as it is, but the only advice I can muster is to find a qualified therapist. My sense is that your gender issues are quite possibly not entirely gender related. But then again, I'm not qualified to advise you on much of anything other than what kind of pain meds might help with electrolysis, and maybe a few other things you might encounter when actually transitioning.
    Quote Originally Posted by LeaP View Post
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  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    Check this wiki out...it describes where you are in life quite well..

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buridan%27s_ass
    Very good, I've never seen it before. I'll have to bring this up at my transition group on Tuesday since it encapsulates where I was a for a long time. IMHO, being deeply unhappy while not being able to make any decision is a pretty poor place to be in.

    It's not easy, but just making decisions and acting on them has started to bring about a sense of peace.

  24. #24
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    Emmi, I have to ask too, are you seeing a gender therapist? It sounds like you are dealing with gender dysphoria IMHO. I have a feeling you will keep spinning about this until you find some relief from it. GID can be overwhelming at times as everyone copes differently. A good gender therapist can help you come to terms with what is going on, in other words clear answers you can't find here or anywhere else.

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