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Thread: It's been a long time

  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    It's been a long time

    I haven't posted anything in a very long time. Some of you may remember me. I told my wife about my cross dressing after 15 1/2 years and it did not go well. We were in counseling for two years. It's been a little over a year since that ended and we are still together. We had an absolutely, unbelievable wonderful marriage and I believe that that is the reason we are still together.

    Our psychologist met with her privately for over a year and she followed his guidance in an attempt to hold on to what we had. I know she tried but it finally was too much for her. She began to sob one night while we were intimate and confessed that she had no attraction for me any more and, in fact, felt "revoltion" although that might be too strong a term. That was about two years ago and we haven't been intimate since. I sense she is uncomfortable around me. She put a lock on her closet door and now sleeps in pajamas. We do share a bed, however.

    I still love this woman but I really blew it. Ironically, I haven't dressed since I told her....not out of fear of being 'found out' but rather because I haven't any desire to. For me it was truly a lose/lose situation.

    I am hoping that trust returns. I will do nothing to hurt this woman any more.

    When I first told her she retaliated with threats. None of these came about. She would never try to destroy me - and I knew it at the time. When she calmed down some with the help of our psychologist, she gave back to me all the downloaded e mails, pictures, etc., etc. She desperately wants to be happy again but it doesn't seem attainable. What we have left if a peaceful coexistence. We don't fight and, to the world, we are still the wonderfully happy couple we once were.
    Maybe there is hope for us somewhere down the line.

    Although I don't care to dress I still have an interest in "things feminine". Some of you were very supportive when this debacle happened. I will always be grateful for that support.

  2. #2
    The best of both worlds Kathi Lake's Avatar
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    Thalia, I am so sorry this has happened!

    The first thing that struck me was the fact that this seemed to come "out of the blue" after a prolonged period of happiness. What changed? Yes, some women do go through cycles of "I hate it! Now I hate it less" but what you're describing seems a bit more than that.

    Lack of intimacy is bad. Saying she is no longer attracted to you is bad. Locking closets - and the lack of trust that would mandate that - is bad.

    My paltry suggestion? Restart couples counseling. Something needs to come out into the light so this can be made well again.

    Kathi

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member Silentpartner GG SO's Avatar
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    I didnt know you before Thalia but I'm really sorry to hear this. You obviously love your wife very much and it must hurt so bad that she feels this way.

    I think Kathi is right, there may be something buried deep within your wife's subconscious that she is hiding even from herself - the fact that you have stayed together must surely hold some hope that things can get better.

    I know I have swings of "its ok, I'm cool with it" to " I cant take this cr*p any more" and lots of in-betweens but I love my husband and hold it together on the bad days for this reason.

    I hope you can resolve your problems

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kathi Lake View Post
    ......My paltry suggestion? Restart couples counseling. Something needs to come out into the light so this can be made well again.

    Kathi
    I'd have to agree. People often leave therapy prematurely. It sounds as though there are an abundance of unresolved issues here. But at the same time, there needs to be some reciprocal consideration in a marriage. Right now that seems to be lacking. Best of luck as you go forward.

  5. #5
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    Hi Thalia, Some women can & do chang thier minds and then there's others that will never change thier minds.
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  6. #6
    Aspiring Member Noemi's Avatar
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    Thalia,

    To be direct. Get out of the relationship. The fact that you are on this forum looking for advise is a tell that you are still interested in dressing. And why wouldn't you be, it is fun and I see no reason for you not to express your self and feel feminine when you would like to.
    Your wife is unavailable to a different paradigm. The Chick don't get it!
    Locking her closet, no sex....I would not tolerate that BS. Get out of there. Be single again and dress up when you like.

    Good Luck Honey
    ♥♥♥
    polythene pam

  7. #7
    Happy to be alive. Wonderwho's Avatar
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    Love is a hard thing to let go of but there is your own sanity to think of. Look close to the way you want to live the rest of your life if you don't mind not being happy and are willing to sacrifice your own personality stay where your are. Just remember you opened the door so you have to decide what side you want to live on, I am still working on what coming out has done to a 26 year marriage, it has not been fun but I started it and am willing to work to find a workable place to be.
    My best to you and I hope that you find what you need to make your life work.
    Wonderwho
    .... and someday I too will become a butterfly screamed the catapiller!!!

  8. #8
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    Neomi: I would never assume the responsibility to tell someone to end a marriage because it is not only intensely personal but I doubt there are many marriages where, the breakup only affects the two individuals. My wife and I had a wonderful love affair. She struggled to hold on to that. We went to couples therapy for two years and she had individual counselling during the second year. After all that therapy she and her psychologist arrived at the conclusion that the physical attraction had been lost. This was because she saw me dressed and saw pictures of me. I was always "her husband", definitely masculine. Showing her the side of me I kept secret for so long was shocking for her. In her eyes, I totally emasculated myself. She can no longer find the attraction she once felt for me. She is not being vindictive. Just honest. Aren't we telling others on this site to be honest? As for the locking of her closet......before I told her, I was wearing her clothes (well, those I could fit into) and using her makeup. I did a lot of sneaking around to achieve my dressing - makeovers, corset fittings, attending meeting(s), and communicating with other CDs. When I look back at those communications I now can't believe those words came from my mind - they seem so childish. If I'm totally honest with myself, I "get it" and understand the difficulties she is dealing with. Thalia

  9. #9
    Junior Member Jennifer Monroe's Avatar
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    Hi Thalia,
    I am really sorry to hear the troubles you are having. You both are caught in a deliema. You have a side that is very much you and your wife prefers the other side of you. She may like certain parts of your personality that might be stereotypical feminine yet she doesnt want a woman in the bedroom. I can understand and I have compassion for both of you. I can understand why you mentioned it to her yet I can understand her reaction. I dont really know the way forward but I do wish you both well. The only thing I could suggest is for her to look on this site with the wonderful people here for support. She may need to chat with other GG who have been there and know how she is feeling. Once again good luck!
    Take care,
    Jennifer

  10. #10
    New Member Understander's Avatar
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    This such a sad story, I nearly cried. I'm unsure but by the fact she is still with you it seems she is trying - its just taking longer than desired or predicted. It may seem silly or obvious but have you tried doing all the things that made you two first realize you love each other? Try talking about something else? Something that would make her laugh and see that your soul isn't 'tainted' but genuinely attractive? I don't know though, but further counseling might help...

    Also, does she know you haven't dressed since? She might feel more relaxed in that knowledge? :/

  11. #11
    Gold Member DonnaT's Avatar
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    Couples can still be in love, even if they aren't intimate in bed. Especially as they get older.

    My grandparents didn't even sleep in the same room due to his thrashing around.

    So the big question is, is she still in love with you?

    Are there PDAs, i.e., public displays of affection (kissing, holding hands, etc.)? Or is it that y'all simply don't have public disagreements?

    I'm just trying to figure out how she can be uncomfortable around you, yet appear, to the world, she is still part of a wonderfully happy couple. And wondering if you could capitalize on that, to increase the PDAs.

    Intimacy in bed may not be attainable, if the psychologist told her that your dressing was sexual. No sex, no desire to dress.

    Either that, or she may believe the way she is acting has gotten the result she wanted, of you not dressing, and thus will carry on the way she has in the belief that it will keep you from dressing.
    DonnaT

  12. #12
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noemi View Post
    To be direct. Get out of the relationship.
    I do not see that as being appropriate in this situation, not on the information we have been given.

    Quote Originally Posted by Noemi View Post
    Locking her closet, no sex....I would not tolerate that BS. Get out of there.
    No person owes another person sex.

    I went through a lot of frustration and built up a fair bit of anger until I realized that.

    Now that I am on HRT, I wouldn't be able to act anyhow. You don't start HRT without being willing to risk losing your libido entirely.

  13. #13
    My Ship has sailed? Barbara Ella's Avatar
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    Thalia, I am so very sorry you are in this situation. My wife loves me, but she cannot stand the thought of cross dressing, but supports me and wants me to dress when she is out. I am deep into a confused closet right now, hiding it all from her. She has known for 4 months, so it is still very early, I have dressed only for 7 months, so new for me also. She has gone from accepting to denial, and with time I pray for a swing to accepting of some sort. I agree that more counseling might be in order. No one can gage the depth of a marriage and the distances one will travel to keep it together. Do not make the mistake of letting her think her actions have stopped your dressing, because it can begin again in an instant and she needs to accept that it is your doing, and is not controlled by her. She is your partner, not your controller, you do what you do because you love her and want her in your life.

    I wish you peace and love.

    Barbara
    He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
    - Friedrich Nietzche -
    I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.

  14. #14
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    I have received suggestions that I direct my wife to this website. I've given that a lot of thought and after reading some of the threads, I've decided against it. If you are being truly objective, reading some of these threads would give her perhaps the wrong idea about cross dressing. Not all of us are alike, we all know that. However, reading a thread about wanting to be w/a man while dressed or some of the other fantacies - or even the threads about lipstick or panties may make her wonder about us. If she reads these, fully recognizing the fact that we are really men, what will she think about our maturity level or sexual orientation??????? I mean, do we really care if ****** is wearing pink panties today!!!!

    Before I told her about my crossdressing, I was very interesting in female oriented clothing and shared a lot of my thoughts with other cds. I'm not faulting anyone here. I'm just saying that someone who is struggling to understand what this is all about may end up even more confused.

    My wife had no idea I was a crossdresser until I told her. Since that time I've seen her level of trust in me very, very slowly grow. I don't expect it to ever be what it was but I can see she has become a little more relaxed in that area. What I'm hoping for now is that we can obtain some level of "friendship".


    I'm told that the "urge" can return at any time. Currently I feel as though I've put my hand into the fire and I never, never want to be burned again. I love my wife and respect her for trying so hard to find happiness again, with me. Only time will tell how this works out.

    Three years ago when this "hit the fan" some of you were incredibly helpful. I return to this site occasionally to see how these friends are doing.

    If I've learned anything from this I've learned that in every aspect of your life you must be honest with your partner. Too much is at risk if you're not open about what is important. Crossdressing can be a deal breaker and she must be told up front. I've learned the hard way and I hope those who still have a chance to make it right early in a relationship take this advice.

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