Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Pretending on the outside, Crying on the inside, Hoping for Acceptance always!

  1. #1
    Senior Member emmicd's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Levittown, NY
    Posts
    1,153

    Pretending on the outside, Crying on the inside, Hoping for Acceptance always!

    What brought me to this point in my life?
    Am I having some sort of mid-life crisis?
    Am I having an emotional breakdown?
    I know the answer and I feel I have been trying to open up about it here because truthfully I have no one to talk to about it.
    I enjoy the girls here and learning from their experiences.
    I truly can say you all are good people and I certainly would love to get to know all of you.
    I have met some really nice people here and they have accepted me and I am truly grateful.
    I am also glad to have a special friend here who has made me feel that I am not alone and she knows who she is and I am glad to have her in my court to share experiences.
    I am a writer of a blog that has helped me because it is very personal to me and it has to do with my son's personal struggles being autistic.
    We all have our own struggles and I believe that is what makes us stronger. We all have to have this in our life just to make us realize that not everything is perfect.
    All I can say is that I am quite sensitive and very feminine in my ways and sometimes I have to overcompensate for it by pretending and now that I have been pulled in again with my gender dysphoria I have had bells go off in my head.

    I am seeing a therapist because I can not go it alone.
    I have started electrolysis to finally rid myself of my facial hair.
    I am going to a doctor to inquire about HRT.
    These are steps toward transition.
    Will I go all the way with it.
    That I can not say for sure because of my family and the love I have for them but I am trying to address my needs and find out what is going on.

    Why am I feeling so desparate about it? Is it all part of being this way and as time goes by my need to consider transition has intensified?
    I believe this is the case because this is not the first time I considered transition but now it seems a part of my everyday existence and it is scaring me and rockinf the very foundation of what my life has been.
    I know I am TS/TG but the world for the most part does not.
    I am trying to determine the proper course and no one can tell me this. I have to figure it out all by myself.
    i am a big girl now and i know what it is all about.
    I just never ever wanted to hurt anyone and if I could do it and not have anything change I would be thrilled but that is not realistic.
    And so I find my self in the same situation I did 25 years earlier and I think to myself where did the time go and why is this such a real dillema for me?

    I just hope that it will all turn out ok and I can find happiness which I have with my son.

    He is young and needs stability in his life and I need to be that source of stability.
    I do not want to lose that.

    Life is truly a gift but sometimes it is not as perfect as we had hoped it to be.

    I write this with a sense of hope deperately holding back the tears. tears I've had since I was a 5 year old struggling with who I am.

    I thank all of you for providing me with words of encouragement and helping to feel I am not alone.

    Thank you to all of you!

    emmi

  2. #2
    Diamond Member Persephone's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    5,722
    Hi Emmi,

    My heart goes out to you in this difficult moment. You're right, our lives are not easy, but at those moments when it all comes together it is superb.

    I've never climbed a great mountain, never been to the top of Kilimanjaro or Everest, but I have hiked up some smaller mountains, and, everytime, the view from the summit has been magnificent.

    I will hold good thoughts for you in my heart.

    Hugs,
    Persephone.
    Last edited by Persephone; 04-19-2012 at 01:49 AM.
    "If it's a-sagging, a-bagging, or a-dragging, I'm gonna get it sucked, tucked, or plucked...God didn't make plastic surgeons so they can starve." Dolly Parton

    "If you truly care about me you should damn well want for me what I want for myself" - Michael Westen (Burn Notice)

    -.-. --.-/-.-. --.-/-.-. -../ Persephone™ and Persephone™ are trademarks of Persephone herself, accept no substitutes. The terms "en femme" and "en drab" originated with Marcia Sampson/Staylace (OBM).

  3. #3
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    Seattle, Wa.
    Posts
    1,275
    One of your strengths emmi is that you are able to articulate to yourself and to others so well what you are feeling.

    I think for many what is called a mid life crisis is nothing more than reaching that point where you are exhausted from trying to mold yourself into a form that is impossible for your mind to hold. This form was created my others and adopted by the individual trying to find an identity but it is nothing more than a false skin made up of opinions and behaviors that are really not our own.

    There is a concept called positive disintegration which I relate to but it comes with a sense of falling or not standing on a firm foundation, being disoriented. Similar to walking out of a store into a large parking lot and not knowing where your car is so you wander around feeling the panic starting to build but the difference is it is not your car but your life and the parking lot has no boundaries so the panic knows no bounds either.

    For myself the mistake I made was trying to escape myself through others by being like others, as I slowly broke the habit of falling into the safety of allowing others to think for me I learned about what my needs really were and as I met those needs I evolved a deeper understanding of who and what I am, experiencing less and less confusion but with the increasing requirement of taking personal responsibility to act on what I was learning, a painful scary process but in the end very rewarding.

    Gender dysphoria makes it very difficult to have a sense of self, it is very disorienting and crazy making, further complicated by the fact that other psychological experiences can account for the same experience so you have nothing to point to and say that is the cause of my problem. Trust your instincts, your subconscious mind knows the truth and probably has been trying to tell you your whole life and you just did not understand the language it was speaking in.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member Kristy_K's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    MN
    Posts
    674
    Quote Originally Posted by KellyJameson View Post

    Gender dysphoria makes it very difficult to have a sense of self, it is very disorienting and crazy making, further complicated by the fact that other psychological experiences can account for the same experience so you have nothing to point to and say that is the cause of my problem. Trust your instincts, your subconscious mind knows the truth and probably has been trying to tell you your whole life and you just did not understand the language it was speaking in.
    That was very well said Kelly.

    I have no children at home for me to worry about.
    I had no one to worry about except for me.

    I was able to deal with GD for over 50 years. Then my feeling seem to go out of control and I felt so lost. I then look deep within and took the chance. I decided to just following my feelings. That was when I decided to transition. If I did fail at it, I did have a back up plan but it wasn't pretty. I have yet to even think of my backup plan until today.

    I am so happy that I did take that chance. Not only did it save my life but it also change my life in a way that I could not have ever imagine it to. It was all for the better for me.



    .
    Kristy
    This is my Facebook page

  5. #5
    Woman at heart Rachel Smith's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Roanoke VA
    Posts
    392
    Emmi,

    I am 56 and full of the same thoughts as you. Why didn't I pursue this sooner, I have thought about it since I was in my teens, becoming a girl I mean, wondering why I wasn't born one since I was about 8. I don't look at it as a mid life crisis though. To me it's more like NOW is the time or I may never be truly happy before my time on earth is up. As far as why we/I didn't pursue it sooner, we/I didn't have the resources available today. Hell for the longest time in my life I thought I was the only one conflicted in this way then along came the Internet and I found out there was a considerable number of like me's out there. Like you I got married, raised a daughter, have a granddaughter and I worry about how this will affect them as well as my wife. We live apart now but that was my choice. We still love each other and she will always be my best friend no matter where this leads. Yes we have talked about this and she said the same and that is somewhat comforting but the hurt I have caused her bothers me to no end.

    Where it will lead and how far I will go at this time I don't know either. What I do know is spending all my time as Rachel, except for work, makes me much happier and my therapist and the ladies here made all that ok.

    Be happy!

    Love
    Rachel
    [FONT="Comic Sans MS"][SIZE="3"]Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. Dan Stanford[/SIZE][/SIZE][/FONT]

    I used to feel like one in a million now with this forum I feel like one OF a million

    “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ― Joseph Campbell

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Christian Personals | Celebrity Gossip
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


Browse Crossdressers By State