What brought me to this point in my life?
Am I having some sort of mid-life crisis?
Am I having an emotional breakdown?
I know the answer and I feel I have been trying to open up about it here because truthfully I have no one to talk to about it.
I enjoy the girls here and learning from their experiences.
I truly can say you all are good people and I certainly would love to get to know all of you.
I have met some really nice people here and they have accepted me and I am truly grateful.
I am also glad to have a special friend here who has made me feel that I am not alone and she knows who she is and I am glad to have her in my court to share experiences.
I am a writer of a blog that has helped me because it is very personal to me and it has to do with my son's personal struggles being autistic.
We all have our own struggles and I believe that is what makes us stronger. We all have to have this in our life just to make us realize that not everything is perfect.
All I can say is that I am quite sensitive and very feminine in my ways and sometimes I have to overcompensate for it by pretending and now that I have been pulled in again with my gender dysphoria I have had bells go off in my head.
I am seeing a therapist because I can not go it alone.
I have started electrolysis to finally rid myself of my facial hair.
I am going to a doctor to inquire about HRT.
These are steps toward transition.
Will I go all the way with it.
That I can not say for sure because of my family and the love I have for them but I am trying to address my needs and find out what is going on.
Why am I feeling so desparate about it? Is it all part of being this way and as time goes by my need to consider transition has intensified?
I believe this is the case because this is not the first time I considered transition but now it seems a part of my everyday existence and it is scaring me and rockinf the very foundation of what my life has been.
I know I am TS/TG but the world for the most part does not.
I am trying to determine the proper course and no one can tell me this. I have to figure it out all by myself.
i am a big girl now and i know what it is all about.
I just never ever wanted to hurt anyone and if I could do it and not have anything change I would be thrilled but that is not realistic.
And so I find my self in the same situation I did 25 years earlier and I think to myself where did the time go and why is this such a real dillema for me?
I just hope that it will all turn out ok and I can find happiness which I have with my son.
He is young and needs stability in his life and I need to be that source of stability.
I do not want to lose that.
Life is truly a gift but sometimes it is not as perfect as we had hoped it to be.
I write this with a sense of hope deperately holding back the tears. tears I've had since I was a 5 year old struggling with who I am.
I thank all of you for providing me with words of encouragement and helping to feel I am not alone.
Thank you to all of you!