Quitting the Forum . . . .

[Anne2345]

Do you ever think about quitting the forum?

I will admit it. I have thought about quitting the forum before. More than once, actually, the urge to hang up my keyboard, snap shut my trusty laptop, and just meander away off into the distance, somewhere way over yonder, has swept over me from time to time.

But do not get me wrong. I view the forum as an amazing resource. I believe wholeheartedly in its mission, what it represents, and all that it has to offer. I also believe that the forum is comprised of well-meaning, good natured, friendly folk who care about the well-being and development of others.

Much good occurs within the electronic confines of this forum every day. Members laugh, cry, tell jokes, give advice, share experiences, tell stories, provide encouragement, offer wisdom, and are generally just there for each other.

And you all have been there for me. Without a doubt, I have grown much from my participation here, the support I have received, and the friendships I have cultivated. The forum has indeed been kind and quite generous to me. The forum has taken me in, offered me a home, and provided shelter from the naysayers, fear, and my many demons. I have also been offered, and have benefitted from, the wisdom of the membership’s collective being. Although I am still a work very much in progress, thanks to the forum and the membership, I have progressed further than I ever thought possible, even not so very long ago.

So what's the deal? Why would I want to leave this mecca of compassion, comfort, and support? Why would I forsake all of the wonderful friends I have been so fortunate to make? Why would I give up such a valuable support group resource when I so clearly would be lost without it, and still have far to travel?

The honest answer is that I sometimes grow weary of myself, my struggles, and the battle to figure myself out, retain my sanity, and make peace with myself.

Of course, I know that I am far from alone in this, but the path I have travelled has been exacting, unyielding, and mercilessly difficult. The constant ups, downs, and all arounds regularly inflict a heavy toll on my endurance. Over the past year, the intensity, chaos, and obsession of my thoughts have exhausted me. Sometimes it is just too much, too overwhelming, and too difficult. I have cried more times than I care to admit. Periodically, I just want to be left alone, turn my back to it all, rail against life and the unfairness of it all, and hope beyond hope that it all goes away on its own. When stricken by these mental blows against my being, I sometimes desire to surrender, give in, and I just want to quit. I want to quit everything.

I am not naïve, though. I fully recognize that none of this is going to just simply disappear and go away. I am stuck. I am transsexual. That’s just the way it is. Game over, girlfriend. I either learn to deal with it, and ultimately make some life decisions, or ignore it and face a future doomed to misery, depression, and the overwhelming possibility of regret.

Still, the spurious illusion that it clearly is, the seductive appeal and lure of simply walking away from the forum (and myself), regardless of the obvious false hope that it represents and offers, is powerful in and of itself, and quite persuasive in the face of vulnerability. For whatever it is worth, though, despite the occasional thoughts to the contrary, I ain’t leaving this forum any time soon. I’m here for the long run. Or at least I believe I am. For now, that is . . . .

But what about you? Do you sometimes desire to just quit, leave it all behind, and move on?

[AudreyTN]

no i haven't had the desire to quit the forum. when i get to a certain point, i sign out and take a week or so off, usually helps.

[Rianna Humble]

Yes, I have thought of leaving the forum behind on a number of times - usually when I am down or angry with myself. A couple of times, I have actually stopped taking part for a couple of weeks or so, but then I normally get a message from a concerned friend asking if I am OK or if she can help with something and I realise that I need my friends.

For someone who has averaged 4 posts a day since I joined, I have been relatively quiet over the last few days as I have found I had less to offer, but I don't think that I could ever really walk away permanently from the wonderful friends I have made here.

You ask if I am secure in my "trannyness", I'm not sure how to answer that. Although I have often said that I will not be the silent T in LGB, I am a woman before being a transwoman. I don't want to be a side-show freak, but I am not ashamed of who I am and I will not hesitate to speak for those who have little or no voice.

[Andie Elisabeth]

As a rule I don't quit digital communities but I need from time to time analog time. In that time sometimes happens that I move into a new direction and gradually fall out of love with the community and become a silent one. But I almost never quit it for eternity.

[Deborah_UK]

It may be a natural progression as in life, I rarely post these days (as Rianna says - I too find myself with less to offer). Its a similar story with "support" groups. I thought Id keep going to support those coming behind but the last time I went I was the only TS there and tbh I found I had absolutely nothing in common with the transvestites there, some wearing totally inappropriate clothing for a public house. The talk was more of sexual innuendo than I'd ever noticed before so I felt the need to move on from that scene.

I'm sure the time will come when I walk away from this forum as well, which may be sad but its called getting on with my life, although I may still lurk!! LOL

[Jessica86]

Nope. I view this the same as walking out on my family. I am going to be here because there is always someone who needs help. We are all in pursuit of an answer to a question that can not be answered. It's the fun in searching for it that counts. I will hopefully be around for a long long time.

[Jorja]

I'll admit it, yes, I have thought about leaving. It is a natural progression that we as humans go through. Sometimes we just need to step away from it all. Leaving the fourm though would mean nothing to do during the day while waiting for drawings to print out. It would mean that I would actually have to go supervise my employees who require little supervision. It would mean becoming a pest to them. When something works and works well, why mess it up? So if I can lend my .02 cents to a thread or two whether the advice is taken or not, why not? Maybe I can help someone? Maybe I can scare someone away from venturing down this path (it isn't for the weak, you know). Then there is all the fun stuff! So no, I don't think I'll be leaving anytime soon. (HEY, I heard that!)

[sandra-leigh]

There have been times when I was fairly discouraged by what had been said online, and I would wunder whether I'm in the right place. I've been feeling better about that the last few months.

I have, though, recently asked myself why I am spending so much time on here, asked myself what benefits I am finding here and asking myself what it is I contribute. I haven't been feeling overwhelmed: I simply realized I was spending quite a bit of time and started to ask myself what the reason was. This is linked to my recent questioning of what I am getting out of gender therapy.

I spend far too much time on a technical forum, to the point of wearing me down and interfering with other activities, but for that technical forum I have a relatively good idea of what I have to contribute.

[ArleneRaquel]

Anne,
I will never leave the forum or exit the lifestyle that brought me here. I feel at home here and I am very proud of our loving community. Hugs Anne, another terrific thread started by you. Anne, please reconsider.

[Marleena]

Anne, as Kelly says: you can check out anytime you want but you can never leave.

Sometimes a break is needed though. When you come here you know it reminds you of who you are. If you're struggling it can make matters worse.

The other side of the coin is we make cyber friends here and they can make a shitty day much brighter. It's a place to vent and get support. It is second to none. As you can tell I'd be terribly bored if I didn't come here. It's like my girl home.

[docrobbysherry]

Anne, over my years here, I've seen some interesting girls leave. Some I quite liked. But, since I don't have their email addresses, I don't know why they all left. I DO KNOW why a few left. They've moved on in their lives and don't have the time or need to be here. I'm aware of 3 that I met online here, then at the SCC. They were TS at that time. Now, after SRS they r females. They rarely, if ever, visit here anymore.

U read all the posts here about how impossible it is to quit dressing. And, I'm certain that IS TRU for many, maybe most. But, others do quit or try to, at least. And, that means NOT hanging around this site anymore! I often wonder, if and when I quit dressing, would I still visit cd.com? I think I would. Just not as often!

[morgan51]

I haven't been able to escape for long don't even wjsh to now I'd miss all of you and the support. my T feelings haven't changed in 57 years they probably are here to stay, so am I. Like Marleena just said.

[LeaP]

I think about leaving frequently, and for all the reasons you've articulated. The thought is escapist in the assumption that it will reduce the psychological distress - the inner dialog or cricket, as members have referred to it recently. Unfortunately, I don't really believe that and leaving would also deprive me of the support and insight I get here, which actually helps me feel better.

I may be conflicted about many things, but in the end I don't want to run away from myself. I'm afraid that if I do this time that I will be stuck with permanent damage that I will not be able to undo or address. People say that it's never too late, but I believe that you can get to a point of self-realization where choices about direction are far more consequential.

Only one word of caution. The anonymity and lack of real-world connection of the forum enables fantasy. I find the need to stay aware of this and find touchpoints in the real world. References to therapy and action help with this. PMs regarding events in my home and work life help. I find I need to avoid certain types of threads. I do have some fun, too (North Korean Rocket Scientist thread, for example), but have been participating in most other threads mostly in a very matter-of-fact manner.

With care, the forum is virtually an extension of therapy. The experience of other trans people is essential. I can't leave.

Finally, to my surprise, I get notes that my contributions help some people! I feel as though I'm very much in taking mode, not giving, because of where I am psychologically. I'm grateful that people tolerate so much neediness, so seeing that I give something back, even unintentionally, helps offset the reticence associated with that.

I hope you decide to stay.

Lea

[Kaz]

I would find it very hard to quit the forum because this is the one place where Kaz has a social life! OK it is sad that it is virtual, but this is my choice and I have posted often about the difficulties and challenges I try to work with on a daily basis. I am increasingly aware that I identify more with Kaz now and would love to transition or even go the full SRS route, but this is not a viable option for me and so I will remain trapped in this lifestyle I guess... berated by the the TS community here for not having 'guts' or something like that... but also frustrated by the many banalities that make up many posts on the MtF CD forum.

BUT... I find the forum a fun place to be and would not choose to leave (I may be asked to, but I would kick up and fight!).

But I do empathise with what you have posted Anne and yes I feel like that sometimes. At the moment I am sleeping as Kaz at night and wake up every morning wishing I was her in her reality. It reminds of being a young teenager and waking up every morning disappointed that I hadn't morphed into a girl overnight! OK that was naivety... but for me life got in the way...

I would urge you not to leave... maybe take a break for a few weeks or months. It is possible to move on and still be part of this world, and there are many here who's lives would be less rich without your amazing contributions!

[Julia_in_Pa]

No I haven't Anne.

I have met some very wonderful people here that I call sisters and have become quite close to them.
Some others think I'm a real b1tch and that's just fine because I let people know what I think.
I also think I have given some good advice due to the experience I have.
I've learned a great deal as well.
All in all a great experience .


Julia

[bobbie c]

anne..other thoughtful post....your beautiful in your thoughts (and looks) so you best stay!!i have learned much from you as well as others here in this so called journey thur the maze of life. i wish at times we could all meet up somewhere for a huge fun party, boy there's a post in the making...the scope of opinions here is my reason for staying and giving my feedback. i tend to find myself agreeing with certain people...marleena, suzi,kaz amongst others and there are some that i take issue with, but when it is all said and done, we are all in this "play " together at some point ,so it serves a purpose and that is simply to support and provoke thought....works for me....so my dear anne...it is i that thank you for all you do here...stay

[Lorileah]

Before I learned to be a duck and let it roll off my back I know I threatened at least 3-4 times to quit. Now, you are stuck with me no matter what. You don't like what I say or I don't like what you say, we will just choose to move on.

[RADER]

Heavens to purgatory; Bite your tung; I could never think of walking out of the best thing
to happen in this world since the invention of Driveways
And to answer your question; NO
Rader

[Sharon]

Heck, I've left the forum countless times, almost always because I'm in the throes of another all-out assault by my depression. But I eventually start thinking about what I get from the forum, a sense of community that is otherwise almost missing from my life and a chance to occasionally help someone in some way. I have told my own story, as complicated and convoluted as it is, many times and I tend to not mention it very often anymore, because, Lord knows, I have made tons of awful decisions during my life and who am I to pretend I know better than anyone else, especially as I continue to make dumb decisions. But, now and then, I feel a snippet of my experiences may actually help another member even if it is intended as a cautionary "don't do what I did" tale. And, just as frequently, I continue to learn something new or read another perspective that somehow resonates with me.

[Rianna Humble]

I identify more with Kaz now and would love to transition or even go the full SRS route, but this is not a viable option for me and so I will remain trapped in this lifestyle I guess... berated by the the TS community here for not having 'guts' or something like that...

Kaz,

Please do not confuse the vocal minority from the TS forums such as our resident grinch and others with the TS community here.

I have not hidden that I am TS, but I don't think that any of my last 3650 some posts have berated anyone for lacking guts nor have they offered any similar insult.

I do wish that everyone here had the freedom to find complete fulfillment, but I do not fool myself that that will invariably be possible.

Some people who identify as TG or as TS are free and able to go the whole way, others for whatever reason are not. That does not change the fact that each one is a valuable human being in their own right - even the grinch!

[Anne2345]

Just to be clear, I am not leaving the forum. A few have misunderstood my post, and begun celebrating prematurely. So pack up the party supplies, put away the champagne, and call off the celebration party, because I ain't leaving. Sorry, but you all are stuck with me.

[bobbie c]

good!!! were all together here...for better or worse..lol

[RADER]

Just to be clear, I am not leaving the forum. A few have misunderstood my post, and begun celebrating prematurely. So pack up the party supplies, put away the champagne, and call off the celebration party, because I ain't leaving. Sorry, but you all are stuck with me.

Hurray We like you here.
Rader

[Raquel June]

The honest answer is that I sometimes grow weary of myself, my struggles, and the battle to figure myself out, retain my sanity, and make peace with myself.

It sounds pretty healthy to grow weary of obsessing over your gender issues and likewise weary of reading other people's comments obsessing over their gender issues.

This place is kinda like a support group. And I don't know the official definition, but for me a support group should be people that have something in common who are helping each other deal with life -- not avoid life. If you're out in the world trying to get it together and you need support, it's great to talk to other people with similar issues. And if you have it all together it's still great to talk to other people and try to help them.

But some support groups turn into a bunch of people who aren't looking for help dealing with things. They're not going anywhere. They're often using the support group as an outlet (a place to crossdress, a place to vent, or just a place to be social), but they're not really doing anything in their life to deal with anything. And then they're also often feeling sorry for themselves. And that becomes tiresome.

And sometimes I get that vibe from the forum. But we all feel sorry for ourselves now and then.

I've taken a few extended breaks from the forum, but I don't think I'd leave. There's some pretty cool people here. Although they tend to come and go.

[Noemi]

You frame this dilemma is an easy way. I enjoy your writing.

I figure until we make a decision, boy, girl. We will be caught up in the trans part. And that is a difficult spot, words can not even begin to describe.
I walk away from this forum at times. I even tried to quit cding got a GF and was prepared for a normal existence recently, about six months ago. Because I get angry that I am this way, transsexual......Do not know what to tell you. But I am glad you are here. And am your sister, we are together in all of this(digital Hug Hug Hug You can contact me anytime.....
Do not know where I am going but today I know there is no way I am stopping dressing, busy pricing epilators and thinking about hair removal..WTF!!! Which in turn makes me want to stop all this and live more simply. Even all the dieting I do can be a drag.

Those here that have found some middle ground I keep my eyes on their posts and hear the message.
Lets see a skinny hairless male with painted toes and skinny eyebrows, that's where I am headed. At least I will look good in my clothes. If it all did not excite me so much, well then I would not be as exciting either...............