Do you ever think about quitting the forum?
I will admit it. I have thought about quitting the forum before. More than once, actually, the urge to hang up my keyboard, snap shut my trusty laptop, and just meander away off into the distance, somewhere way over yonder, has swept over me from time to time.
But do not get me wrong. I view the forum as an amazing resource. I believe wholeheartedly in its mission, what it represents, and all that it has to offer. I also believe that the forum is comprised of well-meaning, good natured, friendly folk who care about the well-being and development of others.
Much good occurs within the electronic confines of this forum every day. Members laugh, cry, tell jokes, give advice, share experiences, tell stories, provide encouragement, offer wisdom, and are generally just there for each other.
And you all have been there for me. Without a doubt, I have grown much from my participation here, the support I have received, and the friendships I have cultivated. The forum has indeed been kind and quite generous to me. The forum has taken me in, offered me a home, and provided shelter from the naysayers, fear, and my many demons. I have also been offered, and have benefitted from, the wisdom of the membership’s collective being. Although I am still a work very much in progress, thanks to the forum and the membership, I have progressed further than I ever thought possible, even not so very long ago.
So what's the deal? Why would I want to leave this mecca of compassion, comfort, and support? Why would I forsake all of the wonderful friends I have been so fortunate to make? Why would I give up such a valuable support group resource when I so clearly would be lost without it, and still have far to travel?
The honest answer is that I sometimes grow weary of myself, my struggles, and the battle to figure myself out, retain my sanity, and make peace with myself.
Of course, I know that I am far from alone in this, but the path I have travelled has been exacting, unyielding, and mercilessly difficult. The constant ups, downs, and all arounds regularly inflict a heavy toll on my endurance. Over the past year, the intensity, chaos, and obsession of my thoughts have exhausted me. Sometimes it is just too much, too overwhelming, and too difficult. I have cried more times than I care to admit. Periodically, I just want to be left alone, turn my back to it all, rail against life and the unfairness of it all, and hope beyond hope that it all goes away on its own. When stricken by these mental blows against my being, I sometimes desire to surrender, give in, and I just want to quit. I want to quit everything.
I am not naïve, though. I fully recognize that none of this is going to just simply disappear and go away. I am stuck. I am transsexual. That’s just the way it is. Game over, girlfriend. I either learn to deal with it, and ultimately make some life decisions, or ignore it and face a future doomed to misery, depression, and the overwhelming possibility of regret.
Still, the spurious illusion that it clearly is, the seductive appeal and lure of simply walking away from the forum (and myself), regardless of the obvious false hope that it represents and offers, is powerful in and of itself, and quite persuasive in the face of vulnerability. For whatever it is worth, though, despite the occasional thoughts to the contrary, I ain’t leaving this forum any time soon. I’m here for the long run. Or at least I believe I am. For now, that is . . . .
But what about you? Do you sometimes desire to just quit, leave it all behind, and move on?