VENTING...Purgings.....Does the madness ever stop? Kinda long

[Deanna Jeanine]

I ask your forgiveness and understanding in advance. Please endulge me with some background info before I begin my rant.

I'm 52 and have been dressing since I was 15. At one time I even considered SRS in my late teens/early 20's, but decided I was more of a CD than a MTF-TS. I am and always have been a hetrosexual male who loves sex with women, even though I have went so far as to try homosexual relations both drab and en femme. Even though both experences were enjoyable, I still prefer GG's 999 times out of 1000.

My first wife and I dressed together for sex (matching babydolls, stockings) but never dressed out side the bedroom. We divorced (after 5 years) and wife 2 knew about my CD'ng but did not participate. We divorced ( after 11 years) and I remarried 12 years ago. Neither of my divorces were CD related in any way. My current wife doesn't know about my CD'ng nor could handle it on an emotional or psychological level (another longer story), so I'm still in the closet after all these years. I have 2 bio kiddos (son 27 and daughter 9) and three step children.

In the last three years we have moved twice for my work. Now my income is much less and I don't have a private room to be able to dress in anymore. And of course I purged last summer/fall again and lost everything. Wigs, dresses, shoes, lingerie, makeup, jewelry, breastforms...this was my biggest purge to date. And now it's all gone again (two years of wardrobe) and I'm too broke, old and tired to try and start over again...I thought.

Do I want to start over again? Maybe. Can I afford to start over again now? No. Do I have a place to dress and keep my clothes? Not right now. Am I crazy? You answer that.

Thanks for letting me vent.
Kisses,
Dee

[MandyGG]

I get so angry listening to people say that purging is wrong. Yes, losing the investment does suck, but don't feel guilt because of your reasons behind it.

If your urge to dress isn't knocking you over, then I would just let it slide. You will get the urge again. Why not use this time to slowly build up a fund for an outfit. That way, your dressing will not harm the family financially when the time comes that you HAVE to dress. Put a few dollars a week in a box. Just an idea. Good luck!

[kimdl93]

Only crazy for purging. And borderline crazy for entering a second relationship without being up front about dressing. But that ship has sailed. Give yourself time, save a few dimes here and thee and start rebuilding your wardrobe. And whatever is going on with your wife, start thinking about coming out. Sooner or later it may happen anyway. Better its planned and somewhat under tour control.

[KellyJameson]

You are not crazy but have two separate identities fighting for supremacy within you. The one identity is what I call the real you which is partly expressed by crossdressing and the other is the you that you try to be for others and I call this the social identity and is made up of all the compromises to our real self that we make so others will share their lives with us.

Anybody not living by themselves on an island goes through this but the problems are greater for those whose natural expression is in conflict with what others generally expect and want from us.

I have found stability is the most difficult thing to aquire because of this, not clothes, it is very difficult to hold a female and male within one body so don't be to hard on yourself. Life is very messy try to keep it simple and reduce it down to what you really need to be happy.

[Lori B]

my heart goes out to you DeeDee,,,,,,I know how you feel.....

[Cindy J Angel]

Yes we all have done that ,me just last year. Cindy is starting over i olny have like 5 shorts 3 pants and 2 tops as of now and all bout for less then 20.00 goodwill throug stores. I did go out 2 weeks ago and got 2 pears of shoes now that were it gets exp. o and 1 bra no forms i use rice in hose work ok wont go hunger that way. olny do what u can if u cant then do not. and yes i do not went to purg but i know that i mite have too give and take( wife knows dose not like and i try to look fim at least most of the time. the outher day out of the blue she said u ant no girl doing it that way I was trying to do somthing cant remember (CRS) but it was funny enty way love cindy

[Deanna Jeanine]

And whatever is going on with your wife, start thinking about coming out. Sooner or later it may happen anyway. Better its planned and somewhat under tour control.

Thanks Kim,
My wife is legally blind and has a prescrition drug and alcohol addiction-abuse issues with a dual diagnosis along with being manic depressive/ bipolar. Very little in her emotional and mental life is "under control", let alone my control. I've started my "Dollars for Dee" squirrel jar, and TGIE....thank goodness for eBay...LoL. I really do appreciate all the positive thoughts and feedback.

[Cynthia Anne]

It all stops when you learn to accept yourself for who you are! The urge to dress will continue to come back so you might as well listen to the good advice and plan to to save a little for it! I think Kim and a few others brought out some good points! Some may not agree that purgeing is bad, but if you hadn't purged this this perticular situation wouldn't be an issue in your life! Hugs!

[Cheryl T]

You're not crazy....you're one of us....a human