I had an in depth talk with my husband about his experiences during the time he was experimenting with men. I thought a few of you would like to know what he felt and what he got out of it. This is personal, and his own words, so it doesn't mean that you will feel the exact same way. I am going to type the answers he gave me to the questions that I asked, but please know that the conversation was gentle, loving, and no feelings were hurt. I will have to change some words to keep it PC, but you will still get the idea.
Mandy: What gave you the urge to post onto those websites looking for guys?
Audrey: I was lonely. I was "turned on". I had no women that were interested in me, so I thought maybe I was gay. I was dressing up every night and I had bought a "toy" and tried it out. I enjoyed it. So, I thought, "Yeah, I am bi" because I had liked it and I was dressing up as a woman. It made sense to me. I went to the websites and opened the accounts. It was so much easier to get a straight guy to talk to you than it was to get a woman to. Even after I told them that I was a guy, they still wanted to talk to me. It felt good.
Mandy: They told you they were straight? But, they were the ones that searched for you, who was admitting to being a crossdresser, and they still said that?
Audrey: They were straight. They were just lonely, too. They talked about how they hadn't had a girlfriend in a while. They said that it was cool that I liked to dress up, and they thought it was pretty. We would talk on the phone and email. We talked about what we would do to each other.
Mandy: So, you wanted to feel pretty and special?
Audrey: Yes. I wanted to have guys turned on by me. I wanted them to want me. I wanted to be able to walk around and have people think that I was a woman and want to hit on me.
Mandy: When you showed up to meet them, were you dressed like a woman?
Audrey: Sometimes. Some of them wanted me to show up like a guy and then change later.
Mandy: Do you find men attractive and sexually appealing?
Audrey: I don't think of them as ugly, and I know when one is attractive. I like women much more. I don't think sex with men sounds fun, it isn't something that I want. I wanted something different.
Mandy: What were your thoughts during it?
Audrey: I wanted to have sex like a woman. I didn't want anal sex, I wanted vaginal, but I don't have one. I wanted them to touch me like a woman. I wanted them to be soft and gentle. kind of romantic. I wanted to be cuddled afterwards. I wanted to be kissed like I would kiss a woman.
Mandy: Were they gentle? Did they treat you like you wanted?
Audrey: No. They treated me like they were having sex with a guy. It was rough. It wasn't at all what we had talked about doing on the phone or emails. I tried to give them oral, but I wasn't good and didn't like it. I didn't like any of it, actually. I didn't even "get off" with any of them.
Mandy: If you didn't like it, and didn't "get off", then why did you try it more? Why did you email them asking for them to see you again?
Audrey: It was a fantasy! Don't you get that? It wasn't supposed to be real, but I made it real. I thought it was what I wanted. I tried again to see if it was different with someone else. I kept having the thoughts that it would be what I wanted it to be, but it ended the same every time. I kept trying because I thought it was what I was. I thought that I was supposed to do it because I kept fantasizing about it.
Mandy: Did you stop because I came back into your life?
Audrey: No. I had quit right before. It didn't make it me feel good and I knew it wasn't what I wanted anymore. I am not gay! When you came back, it made me know that I made the right choice.
Mandy: Do you still consider yourself "Bi"?
Audrey: No. I am straight.
So, that is what was said that I think others need to hear. I know that many of you feel the same way that he did about feeling sex as a woman, and that, in turn, makes you question your own sexuality. You are not alone. If you feel that having sex with a man is what you need, then please go for it. Keep in mind, that these are not straight men. They look for guys just like you for some unknown reason. They are attracted to the "Man in a Dress", they do NOT think that you are women. They KNOW you have a penis. First, make sure that you are genuinely attracted to them. Make sure that you are not in a "pink fog", and feeling 100% girly. Ask yourself if it is something that you would do, while in drab. Don't just think that this is what you want because today's outfit feels so good and sexy and you are having some serious fantasies. You do not have a vagina. It will NOT be vaginal sex. It WILL be 2 guys having GAY sex. It will NOT be hetero. Audrey learned this, and hopefully someone can learn from it.
Mandy