Interview with a Husband

[MandyGG]

Your guy could indeed be straight forevermore, if he was gay, there would definitely be clues.

Thank you, M! (Look at that cute little girl in that avatar pic!)

I am going to pull a you really quick.....So what if you got your freak on and found out that you think sex with women sucks, it doesn't make it unfortunate!

I am curious to know what the clues are. Not that I think he gay, but I would just like to know.

Edited to add:

After thinking on this for a few minutes, I can't help but wonder. Because you identify yourself as a woman, we consider you a woman, and soon enough you will be 100%. Do you actually consider yourself more of a straight woman, that experimented with being a lesbian, more than just a gay man? Or, did you consider yourself male at the time, therefore you WERE a gay man? I am so sorry if this is offensive, I am not trying to be at all! This forum is my first experience interacting with TS. I have been around plenty of gays, but never any TS, so I am clueless and curious.

[Lorileah]

I don't know how I missed this thread at the beginning. Probably because I don't concentrate well recently. But it is a great thread. So many think like Audrey, most never act but in desperation it does happen. The confusion is even greater then because you were so sure that you had the answer. And we learn that fantasy is never (rarely) like what happens. Often people here, in their heads see themselves as totally female, working parts and all, and that becomes consuming. They convince themselves that they can force attraction. The other side of that coin is that the "chasers" usually have many issues oft heir own. They buy into stereotypic things (especially if they have been surfing porn) and aggressiveness and roughness are common. Early in my "life" (before this site...many moons ago when instant messages were new and exciting) I had many guys IM me asking me to meet them. And it wasn't for dinner and drinks. It usually was because the wife was out of town. AND they didn't want anything but having ME do things to them. No sharing (usually because they said they were straight). I learned quickly just how a woman felt and was treated by these guys (now a caveat here, not all guys are a**holes...just the ones who troll the chat rooms).

It's exactly the same thing. Before I finally came out as gay in 2006 I was dating (and marrying) women publicly and seeing guys privately. I consider those years my unfortunate experimentation phase

Unfortunate? Maybe undesirable but you didn't get ANY joy (and not just sexually) from being with them? I would say it was fortunate because it made you who you are. We never know what something is about if we don't experience it. Everything has a place in your life.

I was just a pathetic closet queen who couldn't deal with the truth.

hardly pathetic. Confused, trying to fit a mold someone else made, probably, but not pathetic. Take that from another closet queen.

Your guy could indeed be straight forevermore, if he was gay, there would definitely be clues.

I ate asparagus once because someone told me it was good. It wasn't. I tried it again since everyone else seemed to like it...I still don't care for it. What is the old saying? You can paint a hundred paintings and never be an artist but.. (I am going to leave this for some to Google or you can PM me). It is totally sarcastic of course. Just because you try something doesn't make you whatever that is forever. I tried so many things that I am never going to be. I will be a princess though, that turned out well. Now tell what clues I should look for

[Katesback]

I always found it an interesting paradox as to how many straight CDs turn gay once they are dressed. I suppose you could call it straight till dressed. Actually having talked to many about this I gather that some see it as a alter ego taking over and at that point its ok to have gay sex because they feel they are a girl at that moment in time. Hey whatever works I suppose.

What was even more interesting was going to a trans conference and seeing the number of people that have sex there. The funny part is that some will hook up with a tranny chaser guy and go to the room and come back way too soon. I would ask them why so quick. LOL they would tell me they freeked out when they saw another penis and the dream came crashing down. LOL

People are funny arent they?

Katie

[Badtranny]

I am curious to know what the clues are. Not that I think he gay, but I would just like to know.

Oh? A propensity for decorating things, increased use of the words "girl" and "bitch", etc.

But seriously, my first wife always wondered why we didn't have a lot of sex, but the number one clue is the kiss. Remember that Cher song? It's in his kiss? I wasn't a big kisser back when I was pretending to be straight. I didn't enjoy making out, and I blamed it on sinus problems but it was really a vagina problem, I didn't like 'em. The "clues" will manifest in the bedroom, if he is pursuing you for intimate attention then he is indeed straight.

After thinking on this for a few minutes, I can't help but wonder. Because you identify yourself as a woman, we consider you a woman, and soon enough you will be 100%. Do you actually consider yourself more of a straight woman, that experimented with being a lesbian, more than just a gay man? Or, did you consider yourself male at the time, therefore you WERE a gay man?

ooooh I love this question because it touches on so many neurotic trans topics.

First of all I do identify as a woman now. I have indeed been reluctantly transsexual my whole life, (my avatar pic is me just before I "got the message") but I have not identified as a woman until very recently. Of course I never "felt" like a man and that was a source of confusion and depression throughout my life, but I certainly identified as one because it's all I knew. People who are born and raised male have no idea what it feels like to be anything else. Now, I was a fairly bright kid so I had this all "figured out" pretty early. I knew that I wanted to be a girl, but I knew that was impossible. I also knew that I must be gay because gay people want to be the opposite sex. (hey I was 10!) Since I grew up in a very rural part of Southern Louisiana, I never learned anything different and I spent my life fighting my attraction for men. As I got older my childhood desire to be a girl faded deeper into the background and I came to believe that I was homosexual but I could not reconcile that with how I felt inside. I never FELT gay even though I was strongly attracted to men. I didn't identify with the gay people that I met and an openly gay man was NOT attractive to me no matter what he looked like. I would get crushes on straight guys who would probably kick my ass if they found out. Yes, I am wildly attracted to big, strong, alpha males who happen to be straight. How's that for a plan to stay single?

Anyhoo, I finally came out as gay, thanks to my 2nd ex wife in 2005 and moved to the SF Bay in 2006 so I could start a new openly gay life. That was a disaster. It didn't take me long to realize that I didn't fit in with gay men any better than I did straight men. Imagine the confusion, when I thought that I had finally come to grips with my "problem". It wasn't until 2008 that I began to address the real issue. I was finally okay with being gay but I refused to entertain the idea of transition, and I spent 2009 learning to crossdress so I could put the idea to rest. Clearly that didn't work out.

In conclusion, I was an openly gay man (except for work) beginning in January 2006. I never considered myself a lesbian, ever. When I was cross dressing, I still considered myself a gay man. Now that I'm living full time, I do consider myself a straight woman but I am still pre-op so most straight guys will not be interested, but at least I can live an authentic life. This gender business is not decided internally, it is ascribed to us by the outside world so all of these designations that the trans community talks about are really irrelevant. If the world thinks you're a woman than you are. What you think about yourself is only valid among your sympathetic friends.

[KellyJameson]

Audrey's brutal honesty took my breath away, I cannot imagine the courage it must take to admit such intimate thoughts face to face to another person. The question of being gay or straight has tormented me my entire life even though I have not acted on it and probably never will.

I understand the desire to want to be wanted and I have played a very risky game presenting as a woman to draw the attentions of men toward me, flirting,dancing and feeling their hunger for my body wash over me and than making my escape into the night before it went to far. When women give me this same attention I am at a minimum indifferent, it does not make me feel powerful and alive and at times I even resent and fear it experiencing their interest as predatory.

For me I do not have the desire to take care of a woman as a mate, to protect her, nurture her, share with her beyond superficial relations even though I usually prefer their company and am personally repelled by the thought of being one of the guys. Everything is a contradiction in my relations with both sexes but in my heart I know that I would rather put my arms around a man than a woman but have no interest in sex as a man with a man so I live between the world of men and women neither of which I can be a part of.

I feel Audrey's pain Mandy and hope within her there is a male presence that allows for the success of your relationship. I like my life and would not want to be any other way but at the same time I would not wish it on my worst enemy because I have had to learn to live apart from the world and still find happiness, purpose and meaning. You live without connection to others always skimming across the surface of life without ever plunging into it's depths.

[LaurenB]

[QUOTE=Katesback;2825315]I always found it an interesting paradox as to how many straight CDs turn gay once they are dressed.

No paradox there. Humans long for companionship and intimacy and especially validation. Men in our culture either compete and win or they are losers. It's winner take all. The sad truth about it is that we all have feelings and longings which in some cases go unfulfilled. Sometimes our needs overtake our cultural and normative boundaries. I have a wonderful wife. Before her it was stark and lonely. Before her, if man came into my world that treated me the way she does, maybe I'd be with him now. I know that there are genetically driven orientation tendencies but the brain is very plastic and can be molded in the direction of greatest need. Loneliness is an unendurable torture. You can learn to love someone in those ways. Maybe the judgement must stop. And the competitive culture (and females are just as guilty of this as men) too. Fantasies keep some dreams alive and then something really real walks in and the fantasy vanishes. That's ok. People try to sooth their inner pain.

I feel for Mandy's SO. I hope he's happy with her. I hope she's happy with him. I give her credit for raising this issue on the forum.

[Helen Grandeis]

As my therapist says, life is a search for a good feeling.

[AmandaM]

Hi Mandy, this thread is right up my alley, I've started similar threads in the past. I had a similar experience to your husbands. I figured that I might be gay cause I crossdressed. I went to a bar, picked up a guy, and went all the way. After, it was a letdown. I decided I wan't interested in that again. But, I still had lingering thoughts of being a woman having sex, not a man with a man, I had to be a woman. I got into some internet porn, etc. and would fantasize I was the woman having sex with the man. I was confused because I tried it and didn't like it, so why do I fantasize about it? Maybe I was gay but not admitting it to myself? So, I started to check out gay porn. It was okay, but I didn't, you know, get excited. It got more interesting when the men were more feminine-looking. As I evolved my viewing habits, I found it got even more interesting when they were transvestites. Finally, I ended up back at straight porn. Still confusing though, cause I liked to imagine myself as the woman, but now, not all the time. I sometimes think of her being with me, and sometimes think of me being her. So it goes back and forth. I guess what I'm saying is, that I'm straight and fantasize about being women I see, walking, talking, having sex, etc. I don't think it's cause I want to be a woman having sex, I think it's cause I want to experience all the things she experiences. Somehow, I'm fixated on her femaleness and her life experiences as a woman. In fact, my ultimate daydream is to have been born a woman and live a life. As I see women, I not only get jealous of how she looks, I get jealous thinking about her life, a life I dont' have. I think about her growing up, dating, having kids, having girl friends, etc. Everything. Anyway, since I'm married, I don't pursue any avenues of any of this. I just move along life, and at times, look over the fence and long for the green grass on the other side.

[StarrOfDelite]

The OP's recounting of the Mandy-Audrey interview is very interesting. However, I would caution against drawing too many conclusions from it. Whether they admit it to themselves or not, there is no way that either participant could have exercised complete candor under the circumstances. To have any essential validity such an interview would have to be done by an unbiased third party professional under clinical control in a neutral environment.

[Piora]

Ummmm. Yeah. I would rather him NOT find the right man. I kinda like the fact that I am the only one romantically involved with him, you know, because he is my husband and all. I don't share well.

And neither should you. I'm a believer in the sanctity of marriage, but religion has nothing to do with it. I believe in monogamy - regardless of circumstances. If someone is dissatisfied with a marriage or relationship, then get the hell out. Only THEN do you pursue the fantasy or the desire to be with another. You don't do it within the marriage or relationship. And you then minimize the risk of causing hurt and pain to one another. It certainly won't be infidelity or adultery that will be part of the circumstances.

Your thread is very interesting, Mandy. I read through it observing the different takes and responses to it. Why are there CDs who believe that simply dressing as women makes them as such genetically, in order to perpetuate a fantasy? You're right. The sex is either bisexual or homosexual. The fantasy is simply delusion. Ignore Seanmuscle. HE'S delusional. He thinks that all CDs want to be with men - romantically or otherwise. And he's wrong.

I'm glad things worked out well for you. It was a hard lesson for Audrey, but perhaps the effect will be to strengthen the bond between you two. I wish you the best!!!

[MandyLee]

Hi,
I have to admit that I get so lonely that I have broached the idea. Just wanting any human touch when I'm in female mode
I've heard to many stories and know how a lot of men treat woman there not in love with to keep me from going forward with the fantasy. But want to have the girl friend experiance is there.

[Lucy_Bella]

You know , I can relate but not really.. I do understand the urge to live out fantasy's.... But what I don't grasps is we have a choice.. I to have live out a few and when it came down to it, I made a choice...I knew it would be something I would have to live with after and was I REALLY willing to go through with any of it? Answer was no!! I made no physical contact and boy! Did I make the right choice.

Sexual contact and being treated as a sexual fantasy are to me ...Two entirely different things, yes we can place the ole feather in the cap when placing ourselves in the fantasy role but never and I mean NEVER !! Have I express any desire to become sexually involved during any fantasy .. In the heat of the moment I can understand things getting out of hand and going to far but ... When it comes to sex and getting involved sexually you do have full control.. I am not saying it's normal or unusual for things to happen any different than what you S.O. has experianced other than she must have wanted to go all the way ..

[MandyGG]

I think that some of you are quick to judge without remembering a line that he said:

Audrey: I was lonely. I was "turned on". I had no women that were interested in me, so I thought maybe I was gay. I was dressing up every night and I had bought a "toy" and tried it out. I enjoyed it. So, I thought, "Yeah, I am bi" because I had liked it and I was dressing up as a woman. It made sense to me.

So, YES he did have a choice. This WAS the choice he made. He really, truly, believed that he could be gay or at the very least bisexual. He tried it. He didn't like it, and realized that he wasn't gay. He may or may not be bisexual now, depending on who you ask. If you ask me, he is straight, because he has no want or need from men because he is content in our heterosexual relationship. If you ask someone else, then he is gay or bi because he has had sex with men before and they feel that once you do it, you are always gay or bi. It's all in how the person sees it.

I realize that I posted this on a forum with different outlooks on things. However, telling me that he is still gay because that is how you feel, is just plain stupid. You know that you are talking to a wife. A wife who already has to live with this reminder, and has to live with a crossdresser, and you are choosing to "point out the obvious". If your goal is to hurt my feelings, then you might as well look elsewhere. I am a strong woman. I can handle ruffled feathers.

I posted this thread in the hopes that it may help one confused CD out there, who has played with the idea. I didn't ask for or need you personal judgement on me or my husband. If I can live with the fact that he has flipped sides, then you should sure as hell be able to.

I will have the thread locked if I feel like anyone else is bashing me or my husband. If you want to judge, then you are really into the wrong hobby, girlfriend.

[Miriam-J]

'Atta girl Mandy. It's difficult to keep folks on track here sometimes, so I'm glad you came through with such clarity. It was certainly clear from your OP that homosexuality was only an exploration from desperation, so there's no reason for others to distort it any other way.

Thanks again for sharing such intimate matters from your relationship in a way that can enlighten many of our lives.

Miriam