Interview with a Husband

[MandyGG]

I had an in depth talk with my husband about his experiences during the time he was experimenting with men. I thought a few of you would like to know what he felt and what he got out of it. This is personal, and his own words, so it doesn't mean that you will feel the exact same way. I am going to type the answers he gave me to the questions that I asked, but please know that the conversation was gentle, loving, and no feelings were hurt. I will have to change some words to keep it PC, but you will still get the idea.

Mandy: What gave you the urge to post onto those websites looking for guys?

Audrey: I was lonely. I was "turned on". I had no women that were interested in me, so I thought maybe I was gay. I was dressing up every night and I had bought a "toy" and tried it out. I enjoyed it. So, I thought, "Yeah, I am bi" because I had liked it and I was dressing up as a woman. It made sense to me. I went to the websites and opened the accounts. It was so much easier to get a straight guy to talk to you than it was to get a woman to. Even after I told them that I was a guy, they still wanted to talk to me. It felt good.

Mandy: They told you they were straight? But, they were the ones that searched for you, who was admitting to being a crossdresser, and they still said that?

Audrey: They were straight. They were just lonely, too. They talked about how they hadn't had a girlfriend in a while. They said that it was cool that I liked to dress up, and they thought it was pretty. We would talk on the phone and email. We talked about what we would do to each other.

Mandy: So, you wanted to feel pretty and special?

Audrey: Yes. I wanted to have guys turned on by me. I wanted them to want me. I wanted to be able to walk around and have people think that I was a woman and want to hit on me.

Mandy: When you showed up to meet them, were you dressed like a woman?

Audrey: Sometimes. Some of them wanted me to show up like a guy and then change later.

Mandy: Do you find men attractive and sexually appealing?

Audrey: I don't think of them as ugly, and I know when one is attractive. I like women much more. I don't think sex with men sounds fun, it isn't something that I want. I wanted something different.

Mandy: What were your thoughts during it?

Audrey: I wanted to have sex like a woman. I didn't want anal sex, I wanted vaginal, but I don't have one. I wanted them to touch me like a woman. I wanted them to be soft and gentle. kind of romantic. I wanted to be cuddled afterwards. I wanted to be kissed like I would kiss a woman.

Mandy: Were they gentle? Did they treat you like you wanted?

Audrey: No. They treated me like they were having sex with a guy. It was rough. It wasn't at all what we had talked about doing on the phone or emails. I tried to give them oral, but I wasn't good and didn't like it. I didn't like any of it, actually. I didn't even "get off" with any of them.

Mandy: If you didn't like it, and didn't "get off", then why did you try it more? Why did you email them asking for them to see you again?

Audrey: It was a fantasy! Don't you get that? It wasn't supposed to be real, but I made it real. I thought it was what I wanted. I tried again to see if it was different with someone else. I kept having the thoughts that it would be what I wanted it to be, but it ended the same every time. I kept trying because I thought it was what I was. I thought that I was supposed to do it because I kept fantasizing about it.

Mandy: Did you stop because I came back into your life?

Audrey: No. I had quit right before. It didn't make it me feel good and I knew it wasn't what I wanted anymore. I am not gay! When you came back, it made me know that I made the right choice.

Mandy: Do you still consider yourself "Bi"?

Audrey: No. I am straight.


So, that is what was said that I think others need to hear. I know that many of you feel the same way that he did about feeling sex as a woman, and that, in turn, makes you question your own sexuality. You are not alone. If you feel that having sex with a man is what you need, then please go for it. Keep in mind, that these are not straight men. They look for guys just like you for some unknown reason. They are attracted to the "Man in a Dress", they do NOT think that you are women. They KNOW you have a penis. First, make sure that you are genuinely attracted to them. Make sure that you are not in a "pink fog", and feeling 100% girly. Ask yourself if it is something that you would do, while in drab. Don't just think that this is what you want because today's outfit feels so good and sexy and you are having some serious fantasies. You do not have a vagina. It will NOT be vaginal sex. It WILL be 2 guys having GAY sex. It will NOT be hetero. Audrey learned this, and hopefully someone can learn from it.


Mandy

[suzy1]

Thank you mandy.

I think it’s some but not many of us here that would ever fantasize about being with a man and then go and do it.
Being 100% heterosexual means the very thought of really being with another man repulsive.
So I do wonder about your husband saying he is straight.

But that’s just my feelings on the subject Mandy.



SUZY

[MandyGG]

Suzy,

Believe me, I questioned it a whole bunch too. But, I am taking him for his word now. I have had one night stands that I am not proud of. They were hetero one night stands, but they were awful none the less. We will see in time. That's all I can say. I can't hold his past against him. I can only deal with what he does from here on out.

Edited to add:

I have read posts where straight CD's were talking about the fantasy of it. So, I just wanted them to know that once you make a fantasy a reality, it becomes just that... a reality.

[Andria]

That is an interesting interview.

I do wonder about the men that want sex with a CD, but don't want to touch or see the CD's private parts down there.

[MandyGG]

Andria,

That is a good thought. The men that he was with were ALL ABOUT his parts.... they played it off like it was going "so far" out of their comfort zone and how risque it would be. No. Reality is, they wanted to do exactly what they did.

I think the oddest part is that I do feel bad for my husband for what he went through, but I am not disgusted by him. I am disgusted with the "admirers" that take advantage of people like him.

[Andria]

I do hope he's dealing with it ok, and I'm happy that you are there for him.

[Badtranny]

Men who have sex with other men and think they're still straight as long as one of them is wearing a wig and lipstick are simply delusional. It's the only way they can rationalize their desire for some intimate male companionship.

[MandyGG]

Men who have sex with other men and think they're still straight as long as one of them is wearing a wig and lipstick are simply delusional. It's the only way they can rationalize their desire for some intimate male companionship.

That is the way that I see it, too. That is on both sides of this, the admirers and the CDs are both guilty. Like I said before, I cant hold what he has done against him. I can only hold him accountable for what he does now.

[janet54]

Mandy. You are very understanding LADY! You are right the past is the past. Does he know what a remarkable women he has!!!!!

[MandyGG]

Mandy. You are very understanding LADY! You are right the past is the past. Does he know what a remarkable women he has!!!!!

Thank you. That was very sweet.

[RADER]

Mandy;
What a very interesting line of thought. I am a CD in every way, I enjoy wearing womens clothes,
But I am strait as an arrow. The idea of going to bed with a man just turns my stomach.
I love my wife, who is OK with my dressing, and I am strictly in the closet dressing wise.
I think my dressing brings me a little closer to my wife, as I want to feel what she feels, and
have the feeling of knowing what she wants.
You are a very interesting person, and your questions where perfect.
Thanks for sharing your work on this Post.
Rader

[DanaR]

Mandy, this is an interesting subject, thanks for sharing it with us. I would imagine that Audrey's feelings are similar to what many feel (CD'ers and some women) and are then prayed on by some males.

[Jennifer Monroe]

Hi Mandy,
Thanks for a really interesting post. I am bisexual. I am attracted to men with or without wearing female clothes. I have never had an experience. My wife is also bisexual. She is an alpha female who wants a man in the bedroom and a fem woman. She does not want me to be the woman because she has had the really thing and it is not the same. I would want the man I wanted to be my lover to be a good friend who cared for me and I cared for him. One fantasy would be to wear something nice for him and be submissive. I realize the type of lovemaking we would be having but it’s all about trust and communication. I would want the sex to be out of love and tenderness. If he wanted to be submissive and if he wanted to wear lingerie then that would be fine also. I could be dominant if that was what he wanted. I think the trouble your husband experienced was that it was just about sex with someone he doesn’t really know. He trusted these individuals to fulfill a fantasy and he put himself in a vulnerable situation. He doesn’t know these guys and the guys might just be looking for fast sex. If had built a relationship with a man and got to know him with expressing his concerns then the lovemaking would be just an extension of their friendship and I’m sure it would be more fulfilling. I wish you both well and good luck!

[Vickie_CDTV]

Mandy, I am curious, did he have access to good, factual information about crossdressing/transvestism before he was with a man? The fact one can be hetero and a TV is something we have been trying and trying and *trying* to convey to people for many decades, it is very unfortunate the information was not made available to him if that is the case.

I understand why some do experiment, passively accepting GGs are hard to find, GGs who find it a turn on and are attracted to TVs are so rare they are almost nonexistent, and I know how how it is to find someone who desires you en femme (oh goodness do I ever understand this...) Still, I often warn dressers I know who are hetero but thinking about experimenting to think twice about it; because if they ever do find themselves a GG partner, they can never honestly tell them they have never been with another male.

[Laurie A]

Audrey: I wanted to have sex like a woman. I didn't want anal sex, I wanted vaginal, but I don't have one. I wanted them to touch me like a woman. I wanted them to be soft and gentle. kind of romantic. I wanted to be cuddled afterwards. I wanted to be kissed like I would kiss a woman.


Mandy

Mandy,
Thanks for posting, this was an interesting read. Audrey's response touched me because I have similar feelings.

[Kate Simmons]

Mandy, Like any relationship if true feelings are involved they will be shown and expressed by both sides. If it's just a physical thing, it won't last whether one is straight, gay or bi.

[kimdl93]

This is very interesting to me because like many males I had some m/m experiences in my younger days. It illustrates both the allure and delusion that can be associated with a powerful sexual fantasy.

However, I never dressed or attempted to project a female persona with my male partners. I still regard myself as bi by virtue of these past experiences, but I am married to a woman and we have a monogamous relationship.

[Miriam-J]

Thanks for sharing this, Mandy. I know another young man who told me similar stories, without the crossdressing, about the disappointment he felt with the roughness of male-to-male sex versus the gentleness that he had expected and had been promised (through people he had also met on line). In his case it managed to shatter his fantasies and curiosity quite thoroughly, just as it seems to have done for Audrey. In this young man's case I think he was always hetero anyway, but the curiosity is always understandable. It's good to hear another story with similar themes.

Miriam

I know another young man who told me similar stories, without the crossdressing, about the disappointment he felt with the roughness of male-to-male sex versus the gentleness that he had expected and had been promised (through people he had also met on line).

This statement has been bothering me ever since I wrote it, and I thought about it while doing some chores outside. I should have said something very different, and should not have presumed that male-to-male sex is rough (I really don't know). Instead, it should be ascribed to the character of the many predators that are waiting on-line for males or females, no matter how they dress. Anytime it's about sex rather than the relationship, the risk of predatory behavior is bound to be much higher.

A huge sorry to all those that I mischaracterized in the first post.

Miriam

[MandyGG]

Miriam,

I would hope that no one intentionally took offense. I hope the same goes for the post that I had written, it was never intended to be malicious towards male-male homosexual relations. It was like you said, a predatory action no matter the gender.

[Marleena]

Mandy your candidness and openess never fail to amaze me.

This topic (bi when dressed fantasy) comes up a lot here and to hear of one person's personal experience is an eye opener. It can also be a warning to those that go beyond the fantasy. There are men that take advantage of the vulnerability of CDer's. So hopefully some can learn from it.

[Kaz]

Fantastic thread and again, thanks Mandy. I really appreciate your posts - they are really helpful. I am going to admit this sort of fantasy... after all, the more we try to emulate some sort of femininity or whatever it is that we do... the more this becomes another part of feeling female... but of course it can never really happen as we want it to.

I have never taken it beyond fantasy because whilst I am starting to understand the attractiveness of men to women, sadly I am turned off by the physical aspect of having sex with a man. I experimented many years ago when I thought I might be bi and didn't anything too 'involved' but I couldn't get on with it after that brief encounter I never pursued it further.

So I can relate to your story. I am pretty much sure that if I pursued the same experiment I would also not want to pursue it further... the fantasy is probably the best place to keep these feelings!

[ReineD]

Mandy, thanks for posting this and please thank your SO for giving you permission. I think somehow it will be more believable coming from a CDer who has actually experienced it.

The truth is, for hetero CDers the sexual excitement is over wanting to feel feminine, not an attraction to men. Men are an accessory just like a purse. But unless a hetero CDer has actually gone out and tried it, he will believe himself to be bi, (although *only when dressed*) and further, the fantasy will continue to be exciting for him since nothing has happened yet to shatter the illusion.

Anyway, the term for this is autogynephilia which means the love of oneself as a woman, whether it is expressed through autoeroticism or experimentation with men.

Caveat: for the TSs reading this, I know the article I link to suggests AGP as a reason to transition among straight TSs and I know this is not true. A TS, whether male or female attracted, absolutely needs to transition and there is no paraphilic motive. But, AGP still does exist and it is alive and well in the CDing community:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...gynephilia%2C+

That said, yes there are CDers who are bi and genuinely attracted to men. But these CDers would be attracted to men even in guy mode.

As to the so-called straight men who are into CDers? They're not straight. They are attracted specifically to someone who looks like a girl but who has a penis. There's a conflict there: the CDer wants to be seen as a woman and the man who is attracted to him sees him as a man in a dress. These Admirers will drop a transsexual like a hot potato when she has SRS. Also, this is the best description I've read about such men, who according to the author also often harbor stifled and unexpressed desires to crossdress:

http://aliceingenderland.com/Manhunt.html

[MandyGG]

because if they ever do find themselves a GG partner, they can never honestly tell them they have never been with another male.

You are absolutely correct on this!!! He can never undo it, nor can he unsay it to me. And to your question, No, at the time he did not have any help in any way. Oh how I wish he would have known of places like this one to come to for help and support.

[ReluctantDebutant]

I read this post and looked back on my crossdressing and thought "there but for the grace of god go I". That got me to thinking, we all need something in our lives to keep us real. It can be anything outside ourselves that keeps us from getting lost inside ourselves: friends, families, loved ones, beliefs. Anything that can keep us grounded in reality. Crossdressing can be like a hurricane of thoughts emotions and fantasies that can suck you up and blow you around like a doublewide trailer if you aren't firmly anchored. It sounded like Audrey was at some low point in his life. He sounded lonely and confused. He didn't have anything firm to hold on to when the storm hit. I think all crossdressers have those moments of questioning their own sexuality. When one is on firm ground this can remain a mental exercise till one figures it out. when one is not, the confusion will take one to places one may not truely wish. If one is grounded in something real the path it will take us on will be real. We all can get lost in the storms in our heads.

[MandyGG]

Mandy, thanks for posting this and please thank your SO for giving you permission. I think somehow it will be more believable coming from a CDer who has actually experienced it.

He doesn't mind me telling our stories because if someone we know can connect the dots to figure out who we are from reading it, well then they have a little CD secret too!

I do wish that he were a member here, but he is still hesitant to join. I would love for him to be able to say everything himself, even with his horrible spelling and writing skills! LOL! I hope that someone who has also had this experience can step up with their story too. I would love to hear it.

It sounded like Audrey was at some low point in his life. He sounded lonely and confused. He didn't have anything firm to hold on to when the storm hit.

How right you are on this. He was about to turn 40. Never been married. No children. All he had was an apartment and his dog. And, of course, crossdressing. Fantasy was his only outlet. He WAS confused. He WAS lonely.