I don't know how or if I will ever be able to.I have tried ignoring my feelings but that will never work. My biggest problem is I think she will leave me , she has never accepted gay or lesbians even thought i'm completely straight I don't think she will see it that way. I really don't know what to do.
You're among friends, finding, many members are in the same place. You know you're wife better than any of us, and sometimes coming out works wonders, but if it isn't done right, it can backfire. If she ever finds out, it will be much, much worse if you don't tell her, though.
Last edited by Jacqueline Winona; 04-26-2012 at 01:09 AM.
I know it's just spitting it out will be so hard. I sometimes wish she would find something so I had no choice not to tell her truth
I hear you. But the wife finding stuff rarely works out well, and it will put you firmly in defensive mode when you do have the conversation. I don't recommned it.
It's a long way away, but getting ready for Halloween made it pretty obvious for my wife. She still doesn't like it two decades later, but it's one way to do it.
I do have a letter from my local support group that I'll try to find and summarize for you. The keys are 1) be honest with her, and affirm that you are in love with her; 2) let her know you really didn't choose this, you are a CD and can't just stop it, even if you want to; 3) This has absolutely nothing to do with your sexuality; 4) You don't sound like you're transexual or think you're really a woman born into the wrong body, but unless you are, confirm with her that you aren't interested in that end of the TG spectrum; 5) You're still the same person. Yes, this isn't typical, but it isn't so starkly unusual or outrageous that you're going to hurt the family. It will be a very difficult conversation, not the kind they teach you about in marriage classes. But plan it out, write it down, and speak from the heart.
All of this presumes you deliver it well, so practice, practice, and practice it again.
It's never easy.
There are no right or wrong answers to this question. BUT I think most of the GG's on this forum would agree with the following:
1. It is MUCH better to tell than to be "found out". Absolutely. By telling you demonstrate responsibility and an intent to no longer deceive. If she "finds out" then she will always question whether or not you would have ever told her and what else aren't you telling her.
2. DO NOT think dressing up to tell her is a good idea. Its not. Period.
3. Search the forums, there are plenty of threads especially in the loved ones section about this.
4. She will ask 3 questions. Are you Gay? Do you want to be a woman? Do you still love me? Answer them truthfully, even if you are not completely sure of the answer, tell her that.
5. Have RELIABLE information available for her to look at IN HER OWN TIME. This site is OK, though a bit daunting initially. I found the TriESS website good and I am member of an Australian based support group that is very family oriented, Seahorse (www.seahorsesoc.org).
You will have to tell her eventually. It will not go away and eventually she will find out if you do not tell her. See point 1 above.
On the positive side, your wife loves you. Otherwise she would not (/should not) have married you. Show her you love her and trust her and I think you will be surprised at her response. I'm not saying it will be easy BUT the rewards are likely to be significant.
Finding, while I believe that it best to tell one's wife, it is important to consider her feelings. You've lived with this for quite some time but to her it will be a bolt from the blue. I'd suggest that you spend some time reading some of the threads here on this topic before you proceed.
Make sure that the setting is right and that you have plenty of uninterrupted time for the discussion. As a preamble, tell her that you have something that has been bothering you for some time that you would like to discuss. Then discuss it.
It is as important that you listen to what she has to say. You've got a lot on your mind, but in this case it is her feelings that are most important. Be prepared to answer her questions honestly, but remember that "I don't know" is an acceptable answer if you truly don't know the answer. Don't expect the situation to be resolved with one conversation. Nothing has to be decided immediately.
Eryn
"These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
"She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
"Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]
I can't add much to what has already been said, it is a difficult situation , leaving something for her to find is about the worst thing you could do as this will have your wife thinking all sorts of things , i am guilty of that and it did not go down well as you dig yourself into two holes instead of the one you would like to find a way out of.
Be honest but also be careful and take it slowly at your wife's pace if you do decide to tell.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne
I told my now wife of 27 years now right from the start. Honesty is the best way to go if you think you can hide this all the time. Than you may be okay. But I think it will come out one way or the other.
I always advocate telling one's wife/ Honesty is the best policy but additionally, it will come out sometime. She'll discover you and then you'll be out but not in control of it. Her intolerance towards homosexuality is going to be a major block but you can prepare and have information available for her. She will be shocked, stunned, and most likely feel she has been lied to. You have to be ready for all that. Once out, it is a burden lifted that you feel instantly. Good luck.
When my wife first found out because of lipstick on my lips She at first she did not believe I was a CD till I dressed my self up enfemme fully and showed her my stash She though I was seeing another woman. Still thinks that all these years later because I have NO male friends but lots of women friends.I now live full time as a woman. I am an impotent CD as she knows well. Im sure she would have left me 30yrs ago if I had a "boyfriend or boyfriends.
I have found out from other CD/TS friends that the woman in their lives knows somethings wrong long before they reveal themselves as being a CD
Joanna
Joanna. You are so right.
How long have you been married and how long have you been dressing? Could you ease her into it? Like, when she's in the bathroom putting on her make up, try some on and ask her if its a good shade for you in a joking manner. And then say, "No, really, I kinda like it?" How is your sex life? Is she at all into experimenting with new things? Maybe if she is, you could bring it up to her as a new kinky thing you'd like to try. I am NO expert. I just found out this week that my boyfriend of two months dresses. I'm grateful that he was honest with me and that honesty and trust I know he had to have with me is what is making it okay for me to deal with. If I were already married to him and he was just now telling me? I might not be so accepting of it...but its all in the presentation and how you go about approaching it. If you can get her on board first with little things, then ease her into how long its been going on. Its not goign to be easy by any means...for either of you!!
I'll answer by posting my path to acceptance:Originally Posted by finding myself
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...old&highlight=
Now when I say "acceptance", I haven't gotten to the point of wearing forms, wigs, makeup, etc., or going out in public, and I haven't said to her "Honey, I am a crossdresser.", but I'm on track, I'm just letting her drive the train.
Maybe something in my thread will help you.
[SIGPIC]http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=82706&dateline=137762 0356[/SIGPIC]Linda
Another couple of key things that I've read on here are, 'Put away all the predispositions you have of cross dressers from the past and accept that you have a caring and sensitive man that is profoundly in touch with his feminine side." Another thing was, "I'm not gay at all. In fact, I love women so much that I jsut want to be wrapped up in women's things. Its comforting." And, "some men spend bunches of money on guns and camo clothes and go out and hunt and kill deer and are gone for days at a time...your man spends his on pumps and wigs and wants to do these things with YOU..." These statements have made it bunches easier to come to terms with it all. Food for thought...take it or leave it. You have to approach this in a way that you think will work best for you and your wife. I'll be praying for you both.
But by all means, don't just show her a polaroid of you dressed to the nines as a woman. You'll be driving her to the hospital. Baby steps...its the best way.
Last edited by Di; 04-27-2012 at 08:09 AM.
It is totally your decision...you know your wife...I do not.
ButI think it ends up being worse if you are found out by accident...because they feel betrayed...and lied to.
But please...do not just blurt it out....find material here...to explain it...get things for her to read ect There are alot of posts in the loved ones section with some help from us GG's.
If you do tell her...and she gets upset...do not make promises you cannot keep- like I never will do it again. The key is...for her to see...it is not uncommon....nothing is wrong with you....it is a part of you.
AND if you do tell EXPLAIN you were afraid of losing her( why you did not tell before)....you were confused....you are not gay....YOU are the same person...she loves./...NOTHING has changed except she knows about the dressing.
I disagree about the kidding around and going into it slowly as a lark or joke.
I have heard many times...they feel made a fool of....and sometimes it can go badly...you joke around...she thinks wth are you gay?whats wrong with you.( I know I would be madder than a wet hen) PLEASE DO NOT DO THAT....IT IS NOT A JOKE
So my
explain it so she gets it.
Best Wishes whatever you decide!!
Last edited by Di; 04-27-2012 at 08:10 AM.
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You have to be TRUE TO YOURSELF! was the hardest thing i ever did in my life. fumbled,cried,went numb. wife now "understands me". follow your heart. luv Roberta
If your wife is truly that up tight about gays, and Lesbians, why would she accept CD'ing as anything better? I doubt you stand a chance of a good out come. Even a liberal open minded woman will have trouble wrapping their head around cross dressing, I don't see a women that against those things ever getting past it. Revealing this has caused more than one divorce, or just as bad, years of distrust, and revulsion on the part of some wives, they stay, but things are never the same. So if I where you, I would think long and hard, before I did it, and be ready for what ever may happen if you do. But remember, if you don't, then the chances of getting caught and having it blow up in your face is always there, kind of a your damned if you do, and damned if you don't, thing. It's not an easy thing to figure out, what is the right thing, I guess it's a matter of what you can or can't live with, for me, I couldn't live with it hanging there between us, so I told, twice, the first one cost me a marriage (that and a few other things) the second time, I got lucky, and found a very accepting women, made me glad I lost the first one!
Tina B.
Magic is the art of changing consciousness at will.
Hi there
The link in my signature on "how to tell your partner" will give you a lot of good advice.
It was written by a genetic woman who is a member here.
Sorry but this is no good at all, it will only cause more problems. If my SO had "eased" me into it then I would have been furious.
You really need to tell her and tell her all not just snippets. Ask her to hear you out completely, be honest because if you're not and later she finds other stuff out, believe me it will cause problems. Answer all her questions as honestly as you can, don't say something just because you think it is what she wants to hear.
Please don't let her just find out, it can make an SO feel unloved, un-trusted, lied to and in some cases stupid for not realising that there was something in the marriage that she knew nothing about.
Sandra
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I always used to rib you about your legs can't anymore. R.I.P Sexy Legs
R.I.P Rianna
Sorry teckwife ,I strongly disagree
No advice is better than Bad advice .
>>>>>>>>>>
Welcome finding myself,
Another way of looking at it.
I don't know your wife , but do you really want HER to spend Her one and only life with someone she doesn't truely know ? Come on , you love her more than that , don't you ?
And that is My opinion, 2 cents
Presh GG
I agree with Di, Sandra and Presh - its not a joking matter, its very serious - and how you tell can make a lot of difference to how your wife takes the news.
If and when you do tell her, and if she seems ok with it for goodness sake dont go off the deep end and think you can immediately run upstairs, shave your legs and spend the week's shopping budget on girly stuff. If you are lucky enough that your wife is ok with your CD'ing you need to take things really slowly, ask if she's ok with something before you go full steam ahead.
Pink Fog tends to turn an accepting wife into an unaccepting one pretty darn quick!
Though it might be difficult if she's closed to gays and lesbians, you might have some discussion prior to your revelation about CDs in the third person. You can discuss "someone else (anonymous)" that you know, and what you learned about CDs from them. Or just talk about a show or website that you saw. All of this can be quite true, and can give you an opportunity to defuse the biggest fears about CDs - and to dispel the notions about necessary ties to homosexuality.
Beyond that, the advice given on this thread already is great. Please follow it as much as you can, and good luck.
Miriam
Following my own experinces, I would say to just put it out there. Hiding it, beating around the bush or anything dishonest will just cause more problems.
I agree that frankness is a very good idea, but you should be careful how you present this information. Done the wrong way it can come off as arrogant or pushy, putting off the very person you dearly want to be on your side.
This is a very important issue to you, and it will become so to her. It is not humorous or trivial. You'd never present it in a conversation like "Dear, I'm going out to mow the lawn, and by the way I'm a crossdresser!" You need to select the correct time (private, not distracted with other issues, several hours available for discussion, etc.) and you should start the discussion by telling her that you want to discuss something important that has been bothering you for some time. Most people want to help others who are feeling distress and this prologue will help your wife to be in the mindset of helping you.
Eryn
"These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
"She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
"Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]
Sorry...but I'm in my first couple days of finding these things out myself as a SO and I'm just going on what would work for me... My curiosity was piqued by some hints of an alter ego...and I just had to knwow what the alter ego was all about. And, so, now I know.
Yeah...but I got a few hints first, so I wasn't like you hit me with with it like a big ole Gibbslap! LOL I knew there was something up, babe!
Last edited by Di; 04-27-2012 at 08:13 AM.
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