[SIZE="2"]They say that happiness never decreases by being shared, but I beg to differ – they certainly weren’t thinking about crossdressing when the idea of participation was being championed. Before I go much further, I wish to thank Cassidy for inadvertently providing this topic for discussion. Now and then an idea hits me from left field, and I don’t think participation has been “covered” yet...Originally Posted by Cassidy
What am I getting at? Well, like it says in the quoted text, I’m on a journey, a personal journey, and I don’t need anyone along for the ride. I found something, and I don’t wish to share my precious discovery. The one-and-only Leonardo da Vinci once stated that he felt 100% himself when he was ALONE, and when another person entered the picture he felt instantly halved. Needless to say, the more people KNOW you’re a crossdresser, the less YOU you are. It’s a private enterprise, self-taught, self-suffered, and self-understood. Perhaps CD’ing does arise from a selfish mindset, but I see selfishness as an asset – indeed, you are actively seeking an incorporated self, unless you just have a "thing" for panties...
So, why tell anyone what you’re doing? Why not hug your secrets like they are your best friends, and pay lip service to all less faithful intrusions? I do that, but darned if I’ve gotten the urge, now and then, to disclose my secret life. I suppose I have a good opinion of myself, being somewhat unique, different, non-ordinary, and so forth, so I need to express this fact and get some feedback. In my little insular world, the idea of telling someone how special you are, and they, in turn, verifying this fictitious fact, seems plausible. However, it’s much like shoveling dust into the wind – it’ll blow back on you, get your precious clothes dirty, and the others will end up laughing at you...
Better to keep quiet, and enjoy crossdressing in peace, but that’s easy for me to say – I don’t have a SO who, by rights, should be privy to ALL my secrets. I suppose this comes about because onanism only goes so far, and one needs a participant for truly meaningful sexual activity. If there is a submerged “girl” seeking freedom, she will have a tough row to hoe, even though cultivation is the key to happiness. I’m not sure what that means, but I used to spend a lot of time in my father’s garden, dreaming of a time when I could shed my relentlessly drab work clothes! The few times I had girlfriends I could keep them apart and away, while Freddy came out to play in secret – I could hide in plain sight, even under-dressing for the occasion, but I never wanted to share my highly secretive secrets...
I did do just that, of course, mainly by accident, and I learned to regret it. Sharing means to partake or enjoy with others, but is this possible with MtF crossdressing? Do I dress up and invite the neighbors over for a cook-out? It’s not in the cards, my friends, because this secret, namely dressing up as a woman in private to FEEL a certain way, is beyond general understanding. If it was a unipolar world, we could feel free to share such secrets freely, but this is a world of polar opposites, and I am on the other side of most conformist thinking. In short, I’m up against it, in a secretive world of my own choosing. I like it here, and I’ll stay here, thank you – NO compromises...
Let’s say I found a SO, most likely a female, who was fascinated by my crossdressing. Far-fetched, I know, but bear with me. Will she go shopping with me, or let me wear HER clothes, or even go “out” with me to some undisclosed location and be girly together? Once again, you’re halving yourself, or throwing part of your “self” away, being in an unusual situation that can’t possibly last. I mean, what if she suddenly tires of the charade, and seeks a different type of male for more traditional excursions (and beyond)? Where does this leave me? I will feel like I’ve cheated on myself, and drained away much of the magic I felt when I first crossdressed. In essence, I will have purged part of my soul, something I can ill afford to lose...
Participation is “acting together,” but I’ll sit this one out – I’m not into group thinking, group dynamics, or group theater. I have no sense of “community,” unless I can sit here and type my lengthy missives in peace (dressed, of course). No, this is a one-woman show, with no audience, but my “play” has an unlimited run. Being an artist, I’m obliged to exhibit my works to make a living. In this scenario, I must show myself, even though gaining the courage to do so was very painful. In the case of crossdressing, I don’t feel obliged to “get out there” and interact with the conformists, in fact doing so will diminish my strength. If I am either welcomed, derided, or ignored, the effect is the same – I would rather exist in my own little bubble-world of secrecy, even taking it with me on occasion, and maintain the magic that drives me to crossdress...
Do you actively seek others to share your crossdressing with, or are you like me?
PS – Don’t get me wrong – I like to participate HERE, but you can’t really “see” me, can you?
PPS – One more thing: “There is a thin line between participation and mockery.” (Scott Adams)[/SIZE]