And Crossdressing seems to have struck me out in the dating world once again.

[Imeni]

Or at least, thats what they tell me.

I work under the premise, after reading many a post on here, that being truthful straight up is better than lying. And then, if you choose to wait, when in the best time to say anything? First date? Second? No, for me, I find that after I build a good rapport going with the woman I want to date, I tell them. I don't show them, I don't go dressed up, I simply start a conversation about judgmental people and slowly lead into it.

Well, sadly, this came back and exploded in my face good. This girl I've liked, for years, finally single and seems to like me despite me being a huge nerd, we flirt like crazy people. We chat at all hours. Finally, I asked her about how she felt about crossdressers. How judgmental would she be if someone she dated turned out to be one? "It's just not my cup of tea", was her response, and I withdrew. Slowly, I stopped talking with her, didn't really go out of my way to explain why. Might have been a dick move, sure, but if there is no future, why continue?

Finally, she calls me on it. And I told her. I have a rule that if someone asks me, straight out if I crossdress, I won't lie. I just ask the people who do know, well, to zip it. I introduce them to others who do so they have an outlet to chat with, if they need to. Or they can talk to me. So, she's quiet for a bit, starts asking little questions. I get hopeful she's changing her mind. And for a few days, it felt like she did. But finally, she says to me, "I just dont know if i could handle that. Its a little to much baggage but i mean we can for sure be friends and what not".

....


Really? Too much baggage? For who? I'm not some pervert who stalks the streets, I'm not some freak of nature. I'm just a guy, a wierd one but just a guy none the less, who occasionally wears lady things because it helps me calm down or relax. Makes me feel good about myself. It was something she'd never have to see, nor interact with unless she wanted to. However, it WAS something that was part of me and wouldn't go away.

This isn't the first time this has happened, either. The last few girls my friends have tried to set me up with, who all know, come to find out their friends aren't as open and non-judgmental as they believed. I don't blame them, there is no blame to put anywhere. Just shitty luck. But I mean, I get it's something you wouldnt really know what to do with, or how to interact with it. Fine. I accept that. But there are guys who knock around women, treat them like garbage and girls would go and stay with them. The hell? Actually the girl who called it baggage actually just DID come from a relatonship where the guy would beat her. Almost daily. To the point where if I said Hi to them when they came into where I worked, when they got home, he'd hit her. Which is exactly why I had some police come to my door a few weeks later when I jumped him him the alley in a ski mask and beat him so bad he couldn't even summon up enough strength to press charges. But I digress.

Is it really fair to judge someone on wearing clothes that aren't made for them when during the judgment, the girl is wearing a guy's hoodie, baggy pants and a cap? Double standards suck, the dating world sucks. I'm just going to buy another cat.

[MandyGG]

No! Do not become a cat lady!!! Then you really will be creepy!!!

Give yourself some credit for being honest. That is going to take you into the perfect relationship! So what if a few have turned you down. There are PLENTY more. Haven't you heard? Nerdy guys are totally in right now. All the girls are dating them! You will find the right girl, you just have to keep hope. Maybe tell them after the relationship has built a little more. GG's will be more accepting to someone that they have a connection with or are in love with over someone that they just started dating and don't know too well. I think that as long as you tell the girl after a few months, then you will be fine. It isn't something that needs to happen on the first date.

Chin up, kiddo.

[Imeni]

I don't view what I did as a good thing, but it wasn't a bad thing either. Do you think he's going to start wailing on women again on the off chance whoever kicked his ass in the first place is still out there? Or even assuming he puts two and two together? Doubtful. We live in a pretty nasty part of town as it was. And if I didn't do it, I knew of about ten others who would step up. But we're getting off track here. This isnt about the jerk who decided to use her as a human punching bag, or the guy who decided to do the same to the man. D:

[sterling12]

First Rule: "True Love is as rare as The Golden Fleece." You might have many Love's in your life, but A True One is so very unusual. So, it's not going to make things better, not going to cheer you up, but you can be assured that virtually everybody else goes through The Same Thing! It's also very hard for them to find their "Dream Woman."

At your age, they are looking for The Future Father of Their Children, and you might seem like a Reach because you crossdress. THAT is due to ignorance and prejudice, you can tell them over and over again, and still some tiny part of their brain says your Gay, and not Daddy Material.

However, and there's plenty of evidence around here, it will eventually turn your way! You will meet The Woman of your dreams, and she will accept you for The Good Person that you are. Such understanding people are in The Minority, you have to be diligent in your search, and never give up. But, and I know it's hard to do, just try and relax.....it will happen, and when you least expect it. Avoid The Hook-ups. Let The Woman find you who isn't Some projected Ideal of your Friends. She's out there, just be patient.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[KellyJameson]

Hi Imeni

Dating guys can be a little bit scary,

First: Usually you are bigger and stronger so the fear of no means no not being heard is there (rape) as well as are you going to hit me when you get angry.

Second, guys often live in a social vacuum where they may care about what a handful of people think about them if at all but a woman may be concerned about what the people in a siberian village on the otherside of the planet think about her.

Third, The psychology of the penis is a world unto itself with a brain all its own that like a divining rod searching for water leads the man in all different directions so women are often highly suspicious of a man being capable of be sexually exclusive assuming they themselves are looking for monogamy.

Fourth, The more you profess to be a nice guy the more they are going to believe the opposite is true.

Crossdressing is not the problem, what it symbolizes (means) to her, what she thinks it says about your state of mind and morals and where it may take you (sex change, sex with men, ect..) and what may happen to her social standing, the image others have of her because she is with you are huge obstacles for her to overcome.

You are not being rejected because you crossdress, you are being rejected because your crossdressing triggers fear within her, one being the possibility that sexually if she would see you crossdressed it could affect her sexual desire for you just as for men they need certain visual cues to have erotic attraction. An erotic example for a woman may be chest hair on a man where some woman dislike body hair but seeing you dressed could shut down her desire for you and there are a million other fears that could be listed, it depends on the woman.

Rejection sucks but when you understand it is more about her fears than it is about you than you will be able to sense who she is and a big part of who she is what she fears. Accept yourself so that you can than step outside of yourself and be more aware of how you affect women and in turn you will be able to help them work thru their fears about you.

Do not stop being you but stop reacting to how others react to you being you. Women appear to give contradictory messages to men but they want to know two things, that they are safe from you and that you want them for themselves as a whole and not for only what is between their legs and beyond that they want you to help them live safely in a world they must share with men, not hurt their children assuming they themselves are not abusive monsters disguised as mothers, make their girlfriends jealous that they have you, help them find security in a insecure world and other than that to have fun and explore.

The more people you meet the greater the likelihood you will meet the person who complements you and if you want to remain you and not become some clone created from what the world says a man is suppose to be than you must be willing to work at it by going out in search of that person.

Remember you are not being rejected because there is something wrong with you but because that specific person has an idea of what she thinks she wants and needs and she is trying to fiqure out if you are that person, which is why so many people lie about who they are so they can be what they think the other person is looking for. Don't fall into that trap it will only bring you pain, stay true to yourself at all costs and be sure they are doing the same. Rejection is actually a good thing because it protects you from someone trying to change you if you are being rejected for being your true self. Stay weird normal people are boring as hell.

[sometimes_miss]

First, +1 on the cats. Multiple cats aren't attractive in women, and even less so for men. Sure, it's a nice feminine pet to have to accessorize your crossdressing. But it's going to make you appear even less masculine, and you really don't want that unless you are firmly intent on dating men.
Next.
Imeni, you're here preaching to the choir. All of us deal with the same problem at one point or another, how others feel about our crossdressing. I haven't had any success with women either. You have to understand, or at least try to, that people are sexually attracted to certain things, and they are also sexually TURNED OFF by certain things, and there's really nothing they (or we) can do about that. We don't get to choose what turns us on, or off. We can still like that person, but if we're sexually turned off, well then, there's not going to be any romantic relationship in the future with that person. Women are 'wired' to be attracted to traits that indicate the man is going to be able to provide and protect her. Anything that interferes with the masculine image she holds of him can end any sexual attraction she has. So, when you present the concept of crossdressing, she will usually 'adjust' her image of you into something less than completely masculine, and there goes any hope for attraction.....and any hope for a romantic relationship. Sure, there are some women out there that are sexually turned on by a guy who appears like a girl, but there aren't a whole lot of them, and those who are, aren't advertising the fact; it's not something they want anyone else to know. Having a successful, masculine hunk husband is a status symbol for women. Having a guy as mate who wants to be pretty and wear a dress, well, isn't. The best advice I have gotten is to try to acquire some gay female friends, and go along with them to their gay singles bars, their parties, etc., as any straight females who are also there will be more likely to be open minded about the whole sexual thing. There's no guarantee; but at least it's a start. And if you can befriend those open minded straight girls (even if they're not interested in you sexually), perhaps they will recommend you to someone they know who IS sexually attracted to a guy who dresses up.
I wish you the best of luck in your search for an accepting female SO. I haven't had any such luck. I'm going on 15 years alone at this point, and frankly, have accepted the fact that I'm most likely going to live out my life alone, or at least until I'm old enough where sexual attraction isn't high on the woman's priority list. As we approach 80, there are so few men out there that women will often 'widen their horizons' enough to deal with pretty much anything in a guy. Of course, I might have alzheimers by then, and forget that I'm a crossdresser.

Edit.
The reason that women will stay with guys who abuse them, is because the dominant male is a masculine figure, and they are attracted to it. You will hear over and over again, from women who's mate treats them like dirt, when you ask them why they stay, 'But, I love him'. They are sexually attracted to the guy. It's not something they can turn off. They can choose to leave him, but those guys are often very possessive of their women and that also makes it hard for those women to leave, so they put up with an amazing amount of abuse. It doesn't make sense to us, but that's the way it is.

[kimdl93]

of course its not "fair". However, your lady friend is entitled to her opinion. but I'd like to offer an alternative approach. Keep being friends...go out of your way to maintain the friendship, in fact. She doesn't need to "handle" anything. But by showing that you are open and honest and unashamed, you can help her develop a more open-minded perspective on what CDing is really all about. Even if she never sees it first hand.

[Miriam-J]

While I applaud the decision for up-front honesty, I have to wonder at the message that it sends: that crossdressing is the most important thing in your life worth bringing up when your relationship is still at a superficial level. Perhaps this is true, but I hope you have other attributes and interests that are even more important. Yes, it's certainly a central part that will impact your lives, but couldn't it wait until you've each had time to learn to appreciate each other on multiple levels - say a month or two into the relationship.

Also, you've provided no context for the statement. She has no idea what crossdressing is really all about. Even more importantly, she doesn't know anything about your particular flavor of crossdressing (there are so many, and our vocabulary is pretty ambiguous). Instead she might assume many things that might or might not be true for you. Gay or bi? Public or private? And so on.

We can be honest and open without being harsh and imposing. Please consider a more sensitive approach.

Miriam

[Bootsiegalore]

"Its a little to much baggage but i mean we can for sure be friends and what not".......

Be friends with her! She WILL want to meet Imeni at some point! And then you may learn what the "what not" is!

[stephi]

dont become a cat woman type person, my thoughts are that you have to let a relationship build into something first and then give her the call to scrap it, so to speak, due to CDing. Go in to early with the CD part then this will dominate the realtionship before its even begun to grow into something worth keeping. Leave to later and then you will then be asking for "judgement " on you rather than on CDs. Most people if asked outright will reflect the social norm answers.
just my tuppence worth
Luv S
xoxo

[crossdressersfriend GG]

Please don't take this the wrong way but I sort of think you set yourself up for failure. You asked her "what she thought of crossdressers"? Well how many does she actually know? How could she possibly have a fair assessment of the CDing world if all she knows is what she's heard?? She can't!

She needs to get to know you and like you, the dressing is a part you can share after she gets to know you aren't some wack job!?

Keep talking to her, be yourself, not dressed of course, she is NOT ready for that! LOL

But you don't give yourself a chance opening the conversation with that line.

[Vickie_CDTV]

I'll be the lone voice of dissent to some extent and say I think being honest with her upfront from the very beginning is noble, even if it may not be the best strategy to find a partner per se. I was fortunate that the few women I have been involved knew me as a TV before they got involved with me (and had already been exposed to the trans community), so I never had to tell them.

Women are not genetically wired or socially conditioned to be attracted to feminine males. While some exist, they are very rare, and folks like us are trying to find a GG partner in a pool that is very very small. More will tolerate, but very few would actually find a feminine male attractive, it is a sad reality I have had to come to terms with.

[muzzy]

I wouldn't have dreamed telling my girlfriend about crossdressing for the first couple of months into our relationship and then I decided to take the big risk after developing a bond,told her I had something to tell her about me,had a couple of drinks,told her,she didn't believe me then I went and changed into some sexy lingerie and when I came back,the first words out of her mouth were "you look beautiful".....several months later we have a closer bond than I could have imagined and she has bought me countless pairs of panties and lingerie than I have ever had......point is,get that bond thing happening first,it's a must trust issue xoxo

[kimdl93]

No! Do not become a cat lady!!! Then you really will be creepy!!!

Give yourself some credit for being honest. That is going to take you into the perfect relationship! So what if a few have turned you down. There are PLENTY more. Haven't you heard? Nerdy guys are totally in right now. All the girls are dating them! You will find the right girl, you just have to keep hope. Maybe tell them after the relationship has built a little more. GG's will be more accepting to someone that they have a connection with or are in love with over someone that they just started dating and don't know too well. I think that as long as you tell the girl after a few months, then you will be fine. It isn't something that needs to happen on the first date.

Chin up, kiddo.

For the record I told my Ff (now my wife of 12 years) after we'd been dating for a few month, were intimately involved and getting quite serious. It seemed like the right time.

Regarding cats..you realize that they are nothing but vectors for the bacteria that are controlling our lives! Look it up. Its true!

[suchacutie]

Be friends!!!!!

Keep yourself out there and don't mention your transgendered nature unless she asks. I bet she does ask because she will see you as you have always been, so she will get curious about the other side of you!

If she doesn't do you really want to spend the rest of your life with her? Your femme self isn't going away!

best of luck!

tina

[JustineFallow]

This is a current issue for me; I've found someone I'm absolutely crazy about who's afraid that her children will get in the way of a relationship. In the meantime, I wonder what's going to happen if I overcome that hurdle and stumble at the one that involves my CD'ing (and I will tell her before it gets serious; I owe her or any prospective partner that). Or, if the CD'ing is fine but it's something else that's wrong with me, or wrong with her, for that matter. There are no guarantees if you put yourself out there, no matter one's or the other's proclivities.

And anyone who thinks I'm weird for having three cats can get bent. They're the greatest animals ever.

"Regarding cats..you realize that they are nothing but vectors for the bacteria that are controlling our lives! Look it up. Its true!"

[Alice Torn]

Easy on the cats! I have two, and are my best friends. Sometimes Miss said it well, too.

[giuseppina]

Sorry to hear about your relationship issues, Imeni. I still think you did the right thing being honest. She's not sure, but I still think it is worth keeping her as a friend. You may have planted a seed.

... Regarding cats..you realize that they are nothing but vectors for the bacteria that are controlling our lives! Look it up. Its true!

Maybe, but for those who live outside the city, they also keep the mice down and are excellent companions. Some bacteria are beneficial.