Ask-a-gg

[ClosetED]

I thought I would post this thought here rather than the general section to reduce some of the disputes going on..

There have been several threads on wives of crossdressers being upset about finding out about the husband crossdressing and what this implies. Several of the GGs have been kind enough to also give their viewpoints. I am glad to here other viewpoints.

So I thought of these scenarios to get to the possible basis for the anger.
What if the secret was:
1) I have to tell you the truth - I like licorice and always have.
2) I always wanted a motorcycle and I want to buy one with 1/2 of the unexpected lottery winnings from my ticket. I will ride it every weekend and you can come along if you wish.
3) I used to play golf before we met, but once we got married there wasn't enough time or money to play. But with the kids gone, I really miss it and want to buy new clubs, join a golf course club, and play once a week with friends. It wan't the same playing miniature golf.

Would you be upset about these secrets? They are not socially unacceptable actions or preferences, so I doubt it. There may be issues with time spent pursuing their own desires. Did they lie about their hidden preferences/desires? They knew prior to the marriage and did not make an issue about it.

So is the difference in anger
1) How society and therefore the spouse thinks about wearing clothes and other aspects defined currently as feminine
2) what this implies about gender, 'lesbian' relationships, etc

I was accused of being delusional, but just want to understand other viewpoints. I am very logical and I acknowledge I don't understand emotional views well. Just the way I am wired, along with other oddities

Thanks for any input,
Ellen

[ReineD]

So is the difference in anger
1) How society and therefore the spouse thinks about wearing clothes and other aspects defined currently as feminine
2) what this implies about gender, 'lesbian' relationships, etc

Yes, this is why acceptance for the crossdressing is not the same as acceptance of someone who likes licorice, wants a new motorcycle, and wants to play golf once per week. The crossdressing is still ill-understood in our society, for the simple reason that there aren't a lot of people out there doing it, like the people who do enjoy licorice, ride motorcycles, and play golf. The vast majority of men have no desire to put on articles of women's clothing, and those who do are eyed with suspicion by their wives, who wonder why their husbands want to do this. Does he want to attract men, does he want to become a woman, does he have a fetish, does he have an addiction to female clothes or feminine beauty, will I be left behind, am I not enough for him, why does he seem to enjoy doing this so much more than anything else, what will people think when they find out, will people gossip about us, will my husband want to come out at work and to our friends and if this happens will he lose his job, will we lose friends, what if the kids find out and tell everyone at school, will the other kids make fun of them?

It wasn't too long ago when same-sex attraction and desires to engage in opposite-sex presentation and gender roles was viewed as a sickness or as a fetish. But now there has been more research, more people coming out, the laws have changed, many people have become more aware there is indeed a small percentage of people who have preferences that are different from the norm and these preferences don't cause anyone any harm. I think that now, socially liberal people are quick to accept the rights of everyone to have sex with whom they want and/or present in any manner that is comfortable for them, but there are still glitches when it comes to having a husband who wants to do this because this hits closer to home and the wife asks herself all the questions above.

[Sarasometimes]

Great reply ReineD, Do you think that most wives finding this out after the marriage would prefer an alcohol problem better than CDing? What about a former affair? the reason I ask is that I see both of those as issues that she is likely to be able to discuss with others and get support and empathy where i think many feel that they need to manage a cding husband on their own.
Thanks for all the time you spend here.

[ReineD]

Would a wife prefer being married to an alcoholic or a cheater than a crossdresser?

That all depends on the wife, her background, her level of education and understanding of the crossdressing, her age, her values, etc, and also the degree of alcoholism (some people abuse alcohol and can still be functioning), or some wives drink as much as their husbands, or if the husband had a one-time affair vs. being a serial cheater. One-time affairs can be forgiven.

Still, why must this be a choice. You're not planning on telling your wife that if you cannot crossdress, you will begin to abuse alcohol and cheat?

It is best to try to educate your wife about the crossdressing, what it means to you, what happens to you when you do not crossdress, and how it will or will not change her marriage or her standing in your community should she accept. See if somehow she can work out a compromise with you, if only to give you time and space to dress without her involvement if she does not approve.

[Sarasometimes]

ReineD,
Certainly the degree of alcohol addiction or the number of affairs are serious factors, i was more interested in how you feel about a wife of a CD likely to be able to share that development with friends and family members for support? I read an article in Psychology Today magazine about the stress factor when spouses learn of a secret their mate has kept. Such as a former non-violent crime or maybe being gay and how it then becomes their secret to keep too.
Thx, sara

[ReineD]

i was more interested in how you feel about a wife of a CD likely to be able to share that development with friends and family members for support? I read an article in Psychology Today magazine about the stress factor when spouses learn of a secret their mate has kept.

I wish I could help, Sara, but I don't know your wife. Some women have a stronger need to discuss this than others. I didn't need to tell anyone. If you tell your wife and she wants to talk to someone about it, she could always join this site and then the FAB section?

Also, if you tell your wife and she does share the information, she could share it with a trusted friend who wouldn't tell everyone, if this is your concern?

[Sarasometimes]

ReineD I was looking for your opinion about the likelihood of a wife getting support from those around her for a CDing hubby or if you think that would be less likely. I don't presently plan on a reveal with my wife, I just think that an added burden/complication for CD wives is the lower level of support than can rely on.

[ReineD]

Oh, of course the GGs here will support the wife of a CDing husband. And they equally support the wife of a transitioning spouse. All the GGs in FAB are here to support one another, no matter if their husbands are TS or CD. It's about finding the best possible coping mechanisms for the situation at hand and not who or what their husbands should be.

Sara, in the interest of not making this Q&A thread all about one person, if you wish to ask more questions on the topic of support for your wife, you should really just PM me.

[shyselina]

Why is it women are more accepting of men coming out as trans or cd than men? And why is it when we do they rush to see you made up and trying to take you out? Just from my experience.

[ReineD]

I wonder if women 3 or 4 generations ago would have been just as intolerant as men. They're more tolerant now in my opinion, because modern women have made great strides to equalize the gender roles. We no longer socialize our daughters to believe that men or women "should" stay on their respective sides of the fence in terms of educational attainment, work, separation of household chores, caring for kids, etc ... we're really quite flexible.

I think that men have been socialized to believe there is nothing worse than being considered a "sissy" by his peers ... although this may be improving with younger males. A lot of college kids (males and females) in my town dress rather androgynously. They wear the same clothes, have the same haircuts, and they believe in total equality between male and female. I do not see young guys specifically dressing like girls, and so I don't know how crossdressers would be viewed by their peers.

[Marcelo]

Dear Ask-a-GG,

I think we all agree that it's inappropriate for women to be flashing their panties in public.

I feel really shallow about this but I started crossdressing because I wondered how it felt when women got busted flashing their panties – especially when it was caught on film and published in public, non-sexually oriented media. One of the earliest examples I remember was a Kinney's Shoe Store ad that aired during ABC's Wide World of Sports circa 1975. (It's on YouTube but the clarity/quality is awful). In the ad there is a cheerleader wearing a circle skirt that is about knee-high length. Near the end of the ad everyone does a jumping twirl and her skirt comes up so high that you can see above the waist band of her panties. It looks like it was a total accident on her part and there's no way it could have been planned.

I think my first thought was something like OMG, I just saw some lady's panties in a commercial on national TV. Then I thought about how embarrassed she must have been after all her friends, family, coworkers, etc... saw it. (You know she probably told everyone she was in that commercial). I also thought about how the people who edited and approved the final version surely must have seen it and put that take in the commercial anyway. There is also the broadcast company that allowed it to air on national television – and that during a time when family oriented shows were airing.

There are also some other similar but different instances of this scenario – one of them is the super band ELO's song called Rock and Roll Is King where one of the dancers is wearing a string bikini panty trimmed with lace and the camera man get several shots of it that end up on the video. A recent one is from a gag called Hot Cheerleaders Prank by Just For Laughs Gags where the cheerleaders flash their panties while climbing in and out of a car. Either of these panty flashes are irrelevant to the content which they appear but end up there anyway. I can only assume they were added to tease men like myself.

My question is how do you think most women feel when they know they've been busted flashing their panties in public – from small crowds to national TV. And does it make women in general feel uncomfortable to be watching women flashing their panties in public, television, movies, etc...?

Thanks,
Marcelo

JFL.jpgELO.jpg

[ReineD]

First, people who pose for commercial purposes do not get embarrassed. Three cheerleaders in the back of a convertible? C'mon. The media has been using T&A to sell stuff and hike ratings since the beginning of time.

As to regular GGs, I can only speak for myself. No, it doesn't bother me at all to see it. And I've had gusts of wind show more than I had intended, but it was no big deal. Lots of people have wardrobe malfunctions. And really, it was only for a split second. We live in an age where we wear next to nothing on a beach, so it's not as if others have never seen the tops of someone's legs. I'm actually more embarrassed about the way my body is aging (a roll of fat around my midriff) than someone accidentally seeing me in a bathing suit bottom or panties (same thing). This is why I no longer wear bikinis. lol.

And for privacy/security reasons, I wouldn't want any picture or video of me made public even if I was dressed from neck to toe.

... I think you're letting your fantasies run away from you.

[Di]

You asked How do I feel when they know they've been busted flashing their panties in public – from small crowds to national TV. And does it make women in general feel uncomfortable to be watching women flashing their panties in public, television, movies, etc...?
IMHO
I feel nothing / no difference than going to a beach.
As far as the tv goes they are paid for being an actress and this was not an accident. Going for the target they want to attract .

I never knew people thought about stuff like this.... Who knew.... I googled it and there are even forums .

I agree with Reine you are letting your fantasies run away.

[ellbee]

Hi!

I just read all 22 pages here, ha!


First, I want to start out by saying thanks to everyone for all your answers & insights. It does help a lot. Not that I'm married or even usually have a GF, due to my independent & hermit ways, LOL... But I now feel that much better informed for the next time that I *do* get into a relationship with a GG.


Also, it seems like many of the CD'ing SO's of y'all are pretty lucky, for the most part. I know it might not always be easy for the GG's, but obviously this kind of stuff can play a role throughout our lives... It's not exactly like something we intentionally chose, per se, so it's always good to have at least somewhat supportive partners when it comes to all this.



Anyway, a few quick questions that I didn't see asked yet...


- Would you be more accepting of this part of your SO if they "toned things down," so it's not so over-the-top? Meaning, not all these wigs, heels, makeup, nails, whatever -- but just more like wearing things such as yoga pants/leggings, a basic plain tee, women's socks, comfy stuff like that, while in guy mode lounging inside the home?


- Have you ever tried on -- or wanted to try on, but didn't -- any of your SO's wigs on yourself? If so, what was it like?


- Has your SO's choice of wardrobe ever influenced your own style? Like, "Hey, that dress is actually kind of cute. Never really owned something like that before, and it might actually look good on me. Let me try it on, just to see." ?



Nothing too heavy, here. Just a few things that popped into my head while reading.

Thanks!

[ReineD]

- Would you be more accepting of this part of your SO if they "toned things down," so it's not so over-the-top? Meaning, not all these wigs, heels, makeup, nails, whatever -- but just more like wearing things such as yoga pants/leggings, a basic plain tee, women's socks, comfy stuff like that, while in guy mode lounging inside the home?

My SO and I go out dressed together and I would definitely not like my SO to dress like a street-walker (big boobs, short skirts, stiletto heels, platinum wig, blue eyeshadow up to the eyebrows, if this is what you mean). And my SO would not want to go out that way either. But other than that anything goes, whether it is full-on regalia (forms, pads, full makeup, nails, heels, fancy dresses) if we are going to an event where people dress up or even if my SO should choose to wear this at home, or just a pink top and yoga pants if we are hanging out at home.

Also, the CDing doesn't look the same for everybody and there are indeed some couples for whom it is just a sexual kink. So I imagine that these GGs would be OK with a different level of looks than a wife who doesn't approve at all.

- Have you ever tried on -- or wanted to try on, but didn't -- any of your SO's wigs on yourself? If so, what was it like?

My SO has his own long hair and doesn't wear a wig. But with my SO looking on, I did try on the forms once and they felt really weird. I have no desire to wear them.

- Has your SO's choice of wardrobe ever influenced your own style? Like, "Hey, that dress is actually kind of cute. Never really owned something like that before, and it might actually look good on me. Let me try it on, just to see." ?

Very much so in the beginning, but not for the reasons you might think. I noticed that my SO's eyes popped out of his head when women who dressed in a sexier manner walked by, and so I decided to compete with these women. We used to go out to clubs a lot and so I went through a phase of dressing like a hot babe, which is not my style. I would have died if any of my kids saw me dressed like that. lol. Anyway, the phase ended when I figured out that I should just be me. Also when I was in that phase, I couldn't wear my SO's clothes because they were too big.

And I'd say that over the years, my SO's style changed more to match mine than vice versa. My SO no longer wears flowery, gauzy dresses.

[shellybme]

How do I tell my wife that I fit in her boots? Especially the ones that she is thinking of getting rid of. I love them and are so cute but idk how she would feel about me keeping them. Background she knows I dress and she accepts it but does not encourage it. Any ideas?

[Di]

Shellybme, Since she knows but does not encourage I think it might be best to ask if you can have them. Some GGs do not like their partner wearing their items and others do not care and like giving handmedowns.
Unless
You have a strict don't ask don't tell kinda agreement where bringing it up will be a no no.

[ReineD]

I'm with Di. It will be much easier on the budget than if you buy new boots, and you could ask her.

I'm sure your wife knows your shoe size, and so she would know that you have the same size feet? The question is rather whether she wants you to wear women's things at all. If she doesn't, then she might be annoyed if you ask for her old boots (it's easier to get new ones and not tell her anything at all, isn't it), but if you mention the money-savings angle, it might help if the two of you are on a budget. If the price of a new pair of boots is not an issue and you know your wife will be upset if you ask for her old boots, then just bite the bullet and get new ones.

[shellybme]

I know my wife knows my shoe size in men's. For some reason I fit into her boots which based on the size I shouldn't. Like I said before she accepts that I dress not full blown support. I think I might either wait a while and see if she really is going to throw them out or not, or just let it go because I don't know how she would feel knowing I am wearing her boots. Thanks ReineD for bringing that up. This is really a great resource. Thank you!

[Jenniferathome]

Ladies, I'd like to ask about the bra strap.

I hate it when a strap shows and yet, there are so many crazy cuts of tops and dresses that it seems inevitable that a strap will show. But I see it frequently, perhaps with mostly younger women, that a racerback top is worn with a standard bra.

What is the rule of law on showing a bra strap? OK, when unavoidable? Hide it at all costs? Go braless if the straps will show?

What's ok?

Thanks,

[ReineD]

Opinions are all over the place on this depending on age group, social values, where/when/how the visible bra strap is worn, and whether someone does it to score points for feminism or to be alluring to the opposite sex. Just google "visible bra strap". But, if you want to show your bra, here are some rules:

• http://www.todaysparent.com/blogs/on...aps-offensive/
• http://www.bustle.com/articles/90729...-the-spotlight
• http://www.thegloss.com/fashion/bra-...ration-photos/
• https://youlookfab.com/2010/05/28/gu...-bra-exposure/
• http://www.startribune.com/ask-the-e...rap/276964651/

Also, do a google image search using "showing bra strap or not". You’ll see some looks that pull it off and that you will like, and other looks that don’t pull it off at all.


My personal opinion:

It’s fine when the weather calls for tank tops and the wearer does not want to go braless - just follow the color rules above, although discretion might be used at some company or church picnics.

With clothing other than tank tops, it's fine in edgy or some casual surroundings - just follow the color rules above, but not at the office and not at some middle or high schools where there are school dress codes. In a trendy part of town? No problem.

Like mini skirts, it’s questionable on a woman over 40 if you notice the age of all the women in the pro visible bra strap article pictures, or even in the google image search of "showing a bra strap or not".

... except when wearing a sports bra under a loose tank for working out at the gym or jogging. Then of course it's OK.

[EDIT]
Sorry Jen, I had skimmed through your post and didn't see the part about hating it when bra straps show. Still, the links above I think give a good analysis of it.

[Contessa]

I don't know how this works but I do have a question that I wonder the answer. And the answer needs to come from a GG a cisth gendered woman. With all of the males that are CD's, TS and TGs mostly MtF. My question is why is there still no account to all the women that don't wear all the clothing that we wear. I see most woman with slacks or jeans. Most don't wear makeup no jewelry. I am not trying to say anything bad because most are still pretty to me. I just wonder why I want to wear dresses and skirts and they don't. Why they don't want to look gorgeous like me in all the finery that should only belong to them. I am not trying to take the look away from them. In fact I don't want to look like a woman I want to look like myself. How I feel inside. Why?

[Di]

I just wonder why I want to wear dresses and skirts and they don't. Why they don't want to look gorgeous like me in all the finery that should only belong to them. I am not trying to take the look away from them. In fact I don't want to look like a woman I want to look like myself. How I feel inside. Why?

IMO
I think you want to wear dresses and skirts ect because that's how you feel feminine and pants ect does not make you feel the same .
And women feel like themself and feminine in jeans or dresses ect.
Clothing does not dictate how they are or feel.
I used to wear dresses and skirts most days for work and now once in a while but I always feel confident, feminine and myself.And my partner better think I'm gorgeous in whatever I'm wearin.( sorta kidding lol)

Glad you said you think you think they are pretty anyways ect because it bugs me when some say I'm prettier than my wife or I dress better ect I think what everyone should want is to be accepted for who they are and what they want to wear.

[Nashmau]

@ jennifer

i only use black bras, therefore i usually dont get looks, when they show.
but there are bras that dont have straps at all, might wanna look into them ( might have to tape them though), also invisible straps is something that exists (they are not very comfy though)

@ contessa

why would i? i am pretty enough in my opinion, some of the stuff simply doesnt give enough room to move. i also freeze easily even in summer, so no thanks. and i am allergic to the cometic crap. also i dont have anything to prove, so why bother.

[Rachel Anne]

Ok, How the heck to do put mascara on your bottom lashes? 20 years and I still don't have that one down.