I’m unsure if I’m a Transsexual or Transvestite--a crossdresser if you will. I like to wear women’s clothes whenever I can. It started when I was about eight or nine when I received “Petticoating, or Petticoat Punishment” for having my zipper down on my pants. It was effective because I did not want to be seen in girl’s dresses. I had to act like a female to escape detection; that is, I had to be sweet and genteel. You might say that it forced me to draw on strengths deep-down to maintain this facade. I had to learn feminine behavior to survive. Otherwise I was an object of laughter and ridicule. A joke, not of my making and thus out of my control. In my own circle, I felt as an outsider. On many occasions, even after the punishment was over, I still retained those feminine mannerisms and didn’t fit in with the boys. And I was still too male to fit in with the girls, so I was, in effect, my own society--fitting in nowhere! This continued for several years and has always been a joke within the family. At some point the wearing female clothes evolved from punishment to a necessity.
When it became a necessity I took things from the laundry, things like panties, garter belts, slips, and others. I’ve dressed all thru my life. Later in life, I realized that I was living within a cycle. I’ve tried to understand the cycle and why it happens. The cycle starts with buying the clothing and footwear, the thrill and the pleasure in the anticipation of dressing and wearing these things. The aphrodisiac high builds with dressing up and wearing the clothes. A calmness would enter my world and I would feel so alive, and fulfilled. I would take the things off and hide them and within a few days I would start to feel miserable. I undressed when I had to, not when I wanted to. I bought books, wigs, bondage equipment (which is another chapter) and makeup. As the cycle turned I would begin to feel guilty for buying the clothing and things but at the same time wanting more. My relationships would frighten me at times, are they going to find out, I know they would think less of me. Anxiety sets in. I become more scared of being found out. In turn, I would become hard on myself. WHY CAN’T I FIT IN!!! Trying to keep these secrets while in a relationship causes even more stress, anxiety not to mention guilt. The guilt would get so bad that I would throw everything away, trying to purge myself of the feeling or needs. I would tell myself that I was the strange one, that the beliefs of society were right and that I would never put on another piece of women’s clothing. I made myself think that I was doing the right thing and that it felt so good because I’m conforming to society and no one knew the difference, but depression sets in. I’m missing part of myself,. I become despondent and hopeless. At last I tell myself that it’s a part of me that I can’t ignore and the cycle starts again.
I dress in female clothes because I gain some measure of pleasure from it. It’s relaxes and allows me to feel composed.
Stimulating the senses is one of the ways humans obtain pleasure. A great meal, a good book, even a nice wine! So how much pleasure is there in wearing the same thing day after day.
All I want is what everyone wants: a little stimulation in their life. Think of it this way: the bright colors perk up the eyes, the swish of nylons and the ‘click’ of heels on a walk affect the ears, the sensual smell of perfume to the nose, lipstick to the taste and the touch of satin and lace against the skin! All this stimulation feels g-r-e-a-t and I feel a-l-i-v-e! Now who the hell doesn’t want feel alive?
I find crossdressing relaxing, stress-relieving and soothing. There is something in the softness, the feel and the calming. A new personality is allowed to come out, and since this new person is not the male me, I can play and not be a stuffy male with all his macho pomposity. I have even given this alternate person a feminine name, to separate my two personalities, a male and female.
We are born male or female; that is, we have certain ‘features’ about us that define our roles, like mother or father, in the world. We call male and female a sex. In our society, certain things are expected for us to be due to our sex. These ‘constraints’ placed on us by the outside society determine our gender role. You are considered either Masculine or Feminine by what you do. As an example, girls play with dolls and boys, toy cars! If the boy plays with dolls, he upsets the role expected for his ‘gender’ and he is considered ‘feminine.’ He could be said to cross a gender barrier; that is, he’s trans-gendered. Here’s a better example: let’s say you am walking down a road, and you see an upright soda can, and a person, standing twenty feet away. In this society, females kick cans, peel potatoes and wash their feet before eating. You say, ‘what the hell,’ and kick the can, sending it soaring. Now the other person sees you kick the can, and thinks ‘it’ kicked the can, therefore ‘it’ is a female Therefore ‘it’ peels potatoes and washes its feet before eating. As you approach the person, they can clearly see that you are male. You are a male, but acted in a ‘feminine’ manner. Now you have them confused, you did not conform to the norms of society! ‘How dare you kick that can, only females do that,’ the person says. The norms of a society make it a cohesive unit, and if you do not conform, you must belong to a different society, therefore an outsider. Because societies are cohesive units, they generally do not tolerate outsiders--’you are different, you don’t belong!’ In some societies, you would be pressured to conform to maintain that cohesion, or you would be cast out.
If our sex and gender don’t match, we generally don’t fit in with society! We become outcasts, and try anything to fit in, even to the point of surgery.
.There are sexes, male and female, depending whether you stick in or out. Then, we have gender, which depends on the way society perceives you to act! The way you toss a ball, for example--’oh, he throws like a girl’ and he’s a boy who happens to have grown up with four sisters! Wouldn’t he have learned to throw from them?"
Earlier I mentioned ‘Petticoating’ or ‘Petticoat Punishment’ where boys are required to wear female clothes and shoes. Female clothes equates to punishment. A boy is demoted to the status of a girl.
Be forced to wear feminine things would make you feel unworthy to be a male so you must be a female somehow, and, therefore, must act in the manner of a female. That is, to adopt female mannerisms, dress, and eventually become a female. I consider the female as a greater personage. Wouldn’t wearing her clothes elevate me in stature?
If I dress like her, would I be like her? Am I not honoring her by trying to emulate her?
If a girl sees her brother outside playing while she is inside doing the chores with mother what does she think? He is free, and she has to learn to keep house. At stores, he is loose to run around, she stays by her mother’s side while they shop. If he could be me, she thinks, I could be freer. This freedom is carried over into later life--he goes to ball games, she gets stuck with housework. At work he, the boss, makes a mistake, and she gets the blame. So, when she gets a chance, she dresses him in her clothes. He then becomes not-girl, not-boy. He is a girl with an extra appendage. If he is seen by boys or girls, he is laughed at, humiliated, and shamed. He is not accepted by the boys or the girls. She is in control! She has ‘Cut off his Balls’ so to speak. Again, he is punished."
A man is reduced by being forced to wear female clothes. He is emasculated, and part of him removed. He is ‘feminized’ you might say. She has cut off his ‘manhood’ and so he is partly destroyed.
A Domme Mistress dresses males in as feminine a dress as she can find. She emasculates him to make him lesser than male. To destroy his masculinity, and then control him completely through humiliation, shame, derision and being laughed at.
I am happy when I dress. I’m wanting a loving relationship with a female that understands and allows me to feel equal to females. For the most part, my biggest concern is acceptance in society at large. I don’t want to get treated like criminal, because I’m not. I don’t want to be treated like I’m sick, because I’m not. I am not a threat to society, it is society that is a threat to me.
The current relationship that I am in is part flawed and failing because of me. Even though I was open with her at the beginning and together we purged all of my clothing either by throwing things away or giving things to her because she wanted them. I feel alienated and I sense a barrier has been built between us. Even though an understanding was expressed there still a tension caused by the knowledge that within her society a person like me is sick and perverted.
Finally, I feel better about myself after seeing my thoughts on paper. I want so much to listen to my body and embrace my feminine ways. I’ve recently had my hormones checked. My testosterone is extremely low and I have been told that hormone therapy would help with my health. Which hormone therapy would be more beneficial for me? I understand that estrogen would make changes to my body but I think I would embrace these changes.
If you don't like the way I'm livin', you just leave this long haired country girl alone:
