So, now my wife knows...

[CarolineM]

My wife was out at a bridal shower friday night, giving me a chance to dress up a little once the children were fast asleep - nothing crazy, ended up sitting on the sofa in a simple vest... when my wife walks in at least half an hour before the earliest I expected her. Didn't have time to slip on anything...

Rewind a little - I've been CDing for years, since I was a teenager, but had always thought that, as a Christian, that it was wrong, embaressed about it etc. So had been suppressing it, doing the usual buy stuff then purge cycle. My wife knew, but both she and I thought I'd stopping and was OK.

Recently, though, I've realised a couple of important life things.

Firstly is that I no longer believe in the existence of God, for a number of reasons which should probably belong in the religious discussion section of this forum, so I won't expand on them here.

Secondly that the desire to CD isn't going away, and that it is me, a part of me, and I should embrace it, not try to fight it.

Its taken me a good few months to come to terms with all this: realising that I've been lying to myself for the past 25 years is alot to get my head around. We also have 2 children (3 & 5) who I love soo much an really don't want to hurt.

However, I'd got to the point where I couldn't really deny who I was any more, esp. with the former issue weighing actually more heavily than CDing. My wife is a Christian and we're quite heavily involved in our church in a number of ways, so extracting myself from that is going to be hard.

So, I'd been looking for an opportunity to say something, but she beat me to it:

"Is that a women's vest? Is there something we need to discuss?"

Took a breath and told her most of the above.

So now she knows. There were plenty of tears, but I was surprisingly calm myself - I guess I'm now sure of myself and could be firm. I'm not hiding any more.

She still doesn't accept the CDing, but she does still love me, and still wants us to be together. So we've got lots to work out, but I feel such a sense of relief that finally its out and we can move forward. I don't know how it will all work out. I'm going in for a talk with our church leader sometime soon (Sunday was too busy for a proper talk) We'll see how that goes.

xx

Caroline

[Ameli]

Hi Caroline,

I wish you and your wife the best. It has taken time, but my dressing has brought my wife and I closer.

All the best,
Ameli

[Krististeph]

You were calm- very good. Make or female- CD or not- calm is a good start.

Honesty is really the best, if your SO cannot handle it- let her go- amicably. her loss, her failure.

I'm not in favor of marrying without disclosure, but i can understand why it happens.

be calm, be adult. be the person you want to be.

Some people just can't see broad enough, and there is no fault. I'm personally not confident that churches can give the best advice- they are still a bit 'staid' in thinking, but i do respect their value in wanting to help. what i am saying is don't accept their advice or judgement purely in terms of what they interpret as right or wrong. I'm actually an ordained minister... you have to be very careful in accepting other people's interpretations of what God wants, or what it right or wrong. you have to look at it as what affects your family. YOU, and only YOU, can make the right decision for yourself and your family. and that may be different today than a week from today. but you are the ultimate judge of your life and the thing in it, and be careful of letting anyone tell you otherwise.

Sorry for the preaching, but this is sort of serious shit here..

deep breaths, and Godspeed, my friend,

Kristina.

[Nikki Len]

There are those that can not think outside of the "box". But in all reality, CD is normal. I took small step with my wife and she is more accepting and we have rules to my CDing. But you made a first "big" step to yourself. And now it's needs to be small steps with your wife. I really don't think going to a church leader is going to help, but it may help your wife, and then you never know.

Maybe do what I did with my wife. Take her out to dinner and talk to her. Have her ask questions, then move from there. She had alot of questions and I told answers them. The one question that pop up is "Are you gay?" She asked me many times.

Best of Luck
Connya

[CarolineM]

There are those that can not think outside of the "box". But in all reality, CD is normal. I took small step with my wife and she is more accepting and we have rules to my CDing. But you made a first "big" step to yourself. And now it's needs to be small steps with your wife. I really don't think going to a church leader is going to help, but it may help your wife, and then you never know.

Oh, please don't mis-understand me - I'm not going to the church leader for help, but to let him know - as a courtesy I can't just stop going, I owe that much to everyone - I'm British, it wouldn't be polite Of course they'll want to help, I'll be prayed for an encouraged, and I hope they give the support to our whole family which I expect them to if they are the people I've known and loved as friends over a number of years now. But, I am who I am, and have come to realise that, and frankly, if help is offered try to change that, then I shall politely decline. I've come a long way, and actually like this me! Its not going to be easy, adjusting life, but inside my head I'm happier now than I think I've ever been.

xxx

Caroline

[Nikki Len]

I understand where you are coming from. I am a southern Baptist and they look down on people like me. Last time I step in a church was Oct. 28, 1995. I can not take it when someone tell me what to think, what is right or wrong, and so on.
Connya

[deebra]

Don't tell your church leader you are crossdressing, chances are great he'll think it's weard and he and some others will have to convince you it's wrong and nonbiblical, you know how people can't keep a secret and you'll be outed for sure. Work this out between you and your wife, she just needs time to accept this "new" part of you, reassure her everything else is the same, you just enjoy and are drawn to the softer femine style clothing over the rough, drab, boring male clothing. As Connya said, start out slowly so she can gradually get use to the change in clothing, I would start by changing out your undies with panties, maybe plain at first then move on to bikinni's in nylon, satin and colors. Ask her whats the big deal in your personal choice of the type of underwear you wear, only she will know. When she's come around to handling panties suggest the two of you go shopping, you would like to help her pick out some clothes for her, once in the store start looking at bra's and see if she can handle the next step in adjusting and pleasing the husband she loves. It's new but it's not 9/11.

[Tina B.]

Not sure what faith you where, but here, most of our churches are out at the gay pride parade inviting the gay and trans people to join them in there services, so talking to someone might help the wife.
Others of course will tell you, you are condemned, but since you no longer believe, so what!
Tina B.

[kimdl93]

well, the ideal way to come out is before a marriage. The second best way is to come out in a thoughtful, planned manner, and you have inadvertely taken the third approach. You're very lucky that things went as well as they did. You've dropped a lot on her rather abruptly - not just your CDing, but also your changing religious philosphy. Now, I think you need to give your wife some time to think over what she's already learned, and be prepared for some challenging conversations and some difficult times. I'd caution against being to rigid, and I'd put the discussions with the church leader off for some time much later on...when you've got your family situation under control. Why take on more than you need?

[Allsteamedup]

You have a choice of a lot of helpful support groups in the SE England, so I suggest you discuss with your wife joining, or at least using the telephone helpline for one. We also have a nationwide women-only 'phone and internet group your wife may like to know about.

Like many cders you really are fooling yourself if you think that fact will be surprising or important to your minister. Trying to explain away your loss of faith will be far more problematical.

The Religious Discussion Group on here is very good.
PM me if you would like some sources.

[CarolineM]

well, the ideal way to come out is before a marriage. The second best way is to come out in a thoughtful, planned manner, and you have inadvertely taken the third approach. You're very lucky that things went as well as they did. You've dropped a lot on her rather abruptly - not just your CDing, but also your changing religious philosphy. Now, I think you need to give your wife some time to think over what she's already learned, and be prepared for some challenging conversations and some difficult times. I'd caution against being to rigid, and I'd put the discussions with the church leader off for some time much later on...when you've got your family situation under control. Why take on more than you need?

I agree - I wish I had planned it better, but to be honest, I don't think I'd ever have found the "right" moment.

I wish I could separate out church life and family life and deal with them separately, however they are all intertwined so really the only option is to deal with the whole lot together. I hope I'll be flexible, at least in some respects, but I can't change who I am, and starting to believe in God again, just to please my wife, really won't fly either.

Not sure what faith you where, but here, most of our churches are out at the gay pride parade inviting the gay and trans people to join them in there services, so talking to someone might help the wife.
Others of course will tell you, you are condemned, but since you no longer believe, so what!
Tina B.

Its the sort of church of church where people pass around petitions against Gay marriage, so I'm not holding out a great deal of hope. Having said that, they are big on acceptance, and not being judgemental, so I'm not expecting a great deal of hostility.

However, I now have little desire to attend. I've never been one for doing things I don't believe in. One of the reasons I'm in the type of church I'm in, and the same reason I now have to leave.

[Stephanie47]

Today, I already put my two cents in with regard to another member's plight with the wife and church community. Going to some churches for guidance should be a non starter.

I always recommend, if counseling is warranted, secular counseling with a professional trained in gender issues. It is not counseling for a cross dresser to be beaten to death for wearing a dress.

Hopefully, your wife will realize you are a decent person and a loving father and partner. As I have always stated, marriage is an ongoing negotiation between two equal marital partners. Establish boundaries and expectations and adhere to them.

[CarolineM]

You have a choice of a lot of helpful support groups in the SE England, so I suggest you discuss with your wife joining, or at least using the telephone helpline for one. We also have a nationwide women-only 'phone and internet group your wife may like to know about.

That might be good, actually - I'll PM you for details - thanks

Like many cders you really are fooling yourself if you think that fact will be surprising or important to your minister. Trying to explain away your loss of faith will be far more problematical.

Oh, I have no illusions about whether this will be surprising. And I'm pretty clear on the loss of faith thing - I'm not going there for counselling, I'm going there the explain my leaving.

The Religious Discussion Group on here is very good.
PM me if you would like some sources.

I will, thanks

Caroline

[Silentpartner GG SO]

What a shame your wife had to 'catch' you this way Caroline - not the best way to confront the issue. However, its done and you are talking and your wife says she loves you and wants to stay with you. This is a good thing,

Honesty is really the best, if your SO cannot handle it- let her go- amicably. her loss, her failure.

sorry but I dont agree- if a wife cant handle it its not at all her failure, its just what it is - a situation which wasnt wanted or expected and some wives just cant accept it - a person cant force themselves to like or accept something, especially something like CD'ing.

I would start by changing out your undies with panties, maybe plain at first then move on to bikinni's in nylon, satin and colors. Ask her whats the big deal in your personal choice of the type of underwear you wear, only she will know. When she's come around to handling panties suggest the two of you go shopping, you would like to help her pick out some clothes for her, once in the store start looking at bra's and see if she can handle the next step in adjusting and pleasing the husband she loves. It's new but it's not 9/11

For my own part, when I first found out about my husband's crossdressing, the last thing I would have been happy about would have been him starting to wear women's panties 24/7 or being tricked into going shopping for 'my' clothes so he could see my reaction to him looking at bras,

"to see if she can handle the next step in adjusting and pleasing the husband she loves " what about pleasing the wife? she's the one whose just had a smack in the eye with finding out about the CD'ing! and you're talking about pushing to see how she will handle her husband looking for bras in a store?

This sort of pushing and trickery is exactly the sort of thing that turns reasonably accepting wives into doing a 180 turn into not accepting at all.

The bottom line is, how do you see yourself going forward with your CD'ing? the questions your wife is likely to ask are: are you wanting to dress occasionally, regularly, 24/7? do you want to just stay indoors or go out dressed? will you dress in front of the children? what about the neighbours, what about family and friends? do you want to transition? do you want to take hormones?

Most wives/SOs would much rather hear the truth up front, right from the start, rather than have it fed to them piece-meal. There's nothing worse than being told "I only want to dress once a fortnight" and then when that's accepted, it starts getting more regular, then underdressing 24/7 then maybe I'd like to try hormones, etc. etc. you read it a lot on here about the "pushing" and it's just not fair and its not honest.

My advice, for what its worth is be straight and up front with your wife, tell her truthfully what you would like to happen and ask her how she feels about it all and what she believes she is ok with and what she doesnt feel she can deal with. Answer her questions honestly and truthfully and if you dont know the answer then tell her that.

Set some boundaries and stick to them - and if you feel later on you really cant stick to them, tell your wife you are having a problem with the boundaries and that you would like to see if you can re-negotiate them.

I hope things go well for you and your wife - there are likely to be some stormy waters ahead but with love and consideration on both sides, hopefully you can come to a workable situation

[Jessinthesprings]

my circumstances are slightly different but I have divided up associates and friends by those who are on the need to know list and those who are not. In my case those that don't make the list will not be continuing with me on my journey. The point is: is your minister on the need to know list? What do you hope to accomplish by divulgin this information? I cannot speak for your wife but what if she does not want everyone to know? The more people you tell the less control you have over your secret (if that is what you may call it).

And now for you. What do you plan to do with your new found freedom? Are you planning on strutting around London or keeping it to yourself at the house? I think you should consider what you want needs to do and balance it with your obligations and family's needs.

On a final note grats on turning a new cornor in your life. It takes courage to open up to someone you love who can reject you.

[Elle1946]

Sounds like you have a good chance to work things out. You and your wife might need someone not in the religious field to talk to, my wife and I went to counselors and had good luck with them. They have a different view of human nature than the religious sect. My wife and I have been married 30 plus years and she has know about my CDing for 15 plus years and is OK with it. We shop together and sometimes brings me home something special. Good Luck.

[CONSUELO]

Good luck with everything. Guilt and the cycle of purge and accept seem to be so common. I think that it would be useful if you sought some advice from someone who understands the CD mind. It is my experience that your friendly pastor is an amateur when it comes to this and while he/she may be useful you should seek more sources of advice. In a sense your going to your church leader is a form of coming out. At least that is how I interpret it. Being open and facing others is healthy and I should think that it is a good start. My best wishes for you and your family.

[Barbara Ella]

Sorry you had to come out this way, never the best. You have described your church, and no way you should out yourself to your leader. Odds are your wife will do that a she tries to save you. Have an open honest talk with her about the situation and how you both will coexist in the present. No one else needs to know.

First thing I would recommend is to get some education for your wife about exactly what crossdressing is. She has no idea, and should not be left to question alone, and generate answers that are wrong. You must give her the time she needs to sort out the intellectual aspect of what you are, and then a whole lot longer for her to realize the mental situation. Do not force anything on her that she does not already know.

Keep communication open and honest and frequent.

Barbara

[AndreaSC]

Caroline, I too am a Christian and am having a hard time dealing with this part of my life. After some counseling which some issues my wife and I were having, I decided to tell her. She asked me if I was gay, I told her that I wasn't and that I had been dressing since I was 7. I have TRIED, but it keeps coming back. I wish you the BEST and want you to know that you are NOT the ONLY one going through the same thing! HUGS!!!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Caroline, It sure sounds like that your life is at a fork in the road
check your map and GPS then proceed with caution.

Good luck with your choice.

[CarolineM]

OK, so I had a meeting with my church leader yesterday. While many here advised me *not* to tell him about the cross dressing, I realised that actually, it was best to do so. To those reading this in posterity, I'd not necessarily advise this generally, however knowing the man concerned, I'd trust him to actually do what's best for me and my family.

So, anyway, I wasn't completely decided at the beginning of the conversation, starting out with loss of belief at first, but I realised, halfway through, that the two were so intertwined that, if I was serious about having a real conversation this then I just felt compelled (by myself) to say the whole truth. Were I on my own with no one depending on me, no family commitments, no wife who is still a Christian and member of the church, then perhaps I would have just packed up, said byebye and walked away. But I don't have that luxury. I love my family, and would always try to do what's in the best interests of my kids, so for that reason, I need to work with people to try to sort out how life is going to fit around this new reality

But I still feel nice and calm. I was calm through the meeting - verge of tears at times, but managed to hold them off. He talked about finding answers, but actually, now I have more clarity than I've had for a long time, however he wasn't judgemental, or condemning.

But I can't be selfish. And actually help sorting out where this fits into my marriage and family will be helpful.

And interestingly, though not surprisingly, 2-3 other couples in the church have gone through this. Don't know exact circumstances and outcomes (though apparantly good). Now, of course, I'm left wondering exactly who they are

xxx

Caroline

[Jilmac]

Believe it or not Caroline, many churches are welcoming to transgender people. I have attended worship services at several churches of Christian denominations and haven't encountered any negative reprisals. As for your wife now knowing the truth, perhaps it will be easier to relate your feminine side to her in the future. I wish you the best of luck and love from your wife and church community.