My wife was out at a bridal shower friday night, giving me a chance to dress up a little once the children were fast asleep - nothing crazy, ended up sitting on the sofa in a simple vest... when my wife walks in at least half an hour before the earliest I expected her. Didn't have time to slip on anything...
Rewind a little - I've been CDing for years, since I was a teenager, but had always thought that, as a Christian, that it was wrong, embaressed about it etc. So had been suppressing it, doing the usual buy stuff then purge cycle. My wife knew, but both she and I thought I'd stopping and was OK.
Recently, though, I've realised a couple of important life things.
Firstly is that I no longer believe in the existence of God, for a number of reasons which should probably belong in the religious discussion section of this forum, so I won't expand on them here.
Secondly that the desire to CD isn't going away, and that it is me, a part of me, and I should embrace it, not try to fight it.
Its taken me a good few months to come to terms with all this: realising that I've been lying to myself for the past 25 years is alot to get my head around. We also have 2 children (3 & 5) who I love soo much an really don't want to hurt.
However, I'd got to the point where I couldn't really deny who I was any more, esp. with the former issue weighing actually more heavily than CDing. My wife is a Christian and we're quite heavily involved in our church in a number of ways, so extracting myself from that is going to be hard.
So, I'd been looking for an opportunity to say something, but she beat me to it:
"Is that a women's vest? Is there something we need to discuss?"
Took a breath and told her most of the above.
So now she knows. There were plenty of tears, but I was surprisingly calm myself - I guess I'm now sure of myself and could be firm. I'm not hiding any more.
She still doesn't accept the CDing, but she does still love me, and still wants us to be together. So we've got lots to work out, but I feel such a sense of relief that finally its out and we can move forward. I don't know how it will all work out. I'm going in for a talk with our church leader sometime soon (Sunday was too busy for a proper talk) We'll see how that goes.
xx
Caroline