Between CD and Transexual (hard to choose the forum)

[Lesley_Roberta]

Currently I am not sure WHERE I should be.

Ok if you wear the clothes, it is cross dressing, if you wear the clothes because you don't feel like you are the gender that your body implies that is transexual (if I read forum descriptions right, still new to all of this).

But wait there's more, because in the morning Leslie is just a typical man, wanting his wife to be his wife while he gets his man time ie sex in the usual hetero fashion.

But he gets his rocks off and he's happy and then he buggers off to wherever the hell it is he goes (I can't even wrap my head around the idea actually). And leaves me to manage the place for the day.

And thus, I find some of my questions seem to be targeting the wrong forum here.

Right now, I am wondering for instance, is it weird to take myself out on a date? I guess that sounds Narcissistic. I am trying to get Leslie and Lesley to get along. I can't think of a harder thing that I have ever attempted.

I almost feel like I am on a date with my other self some times.
Ok ok ok Leslie we'll look in the hardware section next.
Well if you want that book on tanks, what are you getting me?
Don't eat that, I'm trying to lose weight here damn it.
Look you had your fun this morning, this is my time so shut up.

When I listen to music, and I hear the lyrics, I often wonder, am I singing the song to me or him, or is it both of us? Shouldn't I be singing that to my wife though?

[KellyJameson]

You should be among friends which you will find here and whether you find the crossdressing or transsexual section more applicable to you only time will tell. I like to bug everybody so I spend equal time in both.

My personal opinion is that men who talk about the woman inside are different than men and women who say they were born in the wrong body and in some sense luckier because gender dysphoria may have it's gifts but they come with the same costs as crossdressing socially in addition to leaving you with the sense that you are staring into the abyss.

I would encourage every man to crossdress because I personally think it makes them better men but thats coming from a man who has never experienced himself as a man so take it with a grain of salt because in all likelihood I'm unbalanced and taking my advice will probably ruin your life.

[Beverley Sims]

You need to to gain experience to decide which path you are taking.
One thing I agree on is Kelly's last paragraph to encourage every man to cross dress, even only once.
It does give some insight into womanhood and I agree it at least makes the more macho person aware of how the other lives.
If you have crossed over once there is more of an affinity with the fairer sex.
I can see Leslie likes it both ways and don't change that a wife is a lot of fun.
So is cross dressing.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

one hopefully helpful thought is this..

if you are enjoying being a man...and you truly feel fulfilled and happy with that even on a part time basis...you should explore your dressing as an expression of your feminine side, rather than an expression of your female self..(ie crossdressing vs transsexuality)

If you look at it that way , and find it to be unsatisfying than you can explore the much more problematic and life changing issue of transsexuality..

...and yes its a weird to take yourself out on a date!!!! of course, dressing as a woman is totally not weird!

[Bree-asaurus]

Only time will tell. You don't sound transexual to me, but who am I to say?

Just go where you feel you fit.

Some questions to ponder:
Do you like being a man?
Do you like your penis?
Do you feel like you're the same person with and without the cloths?
Do you feel like you have a male side and a female side?
Could you give up being a man, losing your man-parts and living as a woman for the rest of your life?
Would you risk losing your job, your friends and your family to live as a woman?

[elizabethamy]

Bree, how do you score your quiz? Those are fascinating and very central questions. My answers are not pure.

elizabethamy

[Vickie_CDTV]

Not sure about dating yourself, but since you are married why don't you take your wife out on a date? I am sure she would enjoy and appreciate that.

[Jeanna]

I'm happy being two people as I never feel alone Schizophrenia has is pluses!

[Marleena]

I'm happy being two people as I never feel alone Schizophrenia has is pluses!

Lol..good answer.....

[busker]

the other question is how much does one rationalize to get to the place that they "think" they want to be. How much are you willing to give up to be in the place you "think" you want to be? It is quite easy to talk ourselves into anything we wish and the problem is that in some cases, "you can't go home again", e.g. after surgery, you now own your new body. That applies to being Ts or joining the army or climbing a mountain top from which you can't get back . Have you talked to a therapist or psychiatrist about your dual nature? Tried any medication? While I think there is some useful advice here, most members don't have your split personality, with the exception of TINA, and so advice you may find wanting. Maybe some personal PMs with several of of TS members to see how they cope but in the CD forum it isn't strictly a personality thing. I'm of the opinion that CDing has its origins in the psychological end of things, rather than strictly "chemical". as many here would be inclined to believe.

[cathie pantyhose]

Only time will tell. You don't sound transexual to me, but who am I to say?

Just go where you feel you fit.

Some questions to ponder:
Do you like being a man?
Do you like your penis?
Do you feel like you're the same person with and without the cloths?
Do you feel like you have a male side and a female side?
Could you give up being a man, losing your man-parts and living as a woman for the rest of your life?
Would you risk losing your job, your friends and your family to live as a woman?

These are GREAT questions to ask yourself. I answered those very same ones years ago when I had a choice and I deceided I'm not willing to change as there are things as a guy I love to do with other guys and couldn't as a woman. For me, I just feel better dressing when i can. I'll be good with dressing as I have for 20 years now. And yes, I like my penis

[Bree-asaurus]

Bree, how do you score your quiz? Those are fascinating and very central questions. My answers are not pure.

elizabethamy

lol... it's not a quiz - simply things to think about. And I can't score anything for you... You have to figure that part out for yourself :P

[Aprilrain]

I'm happy being two people as I never feel alone Schizophrenia has is pluses!

That would be Multiple Personality Disorder not Schizophrenia. Common symptoms of Schizophrenia would be hallucinations, and paranoid delusions ie. the movie, A beautiful Mind.

Can't speak for anyone else but I hated CDing! I was compelled to do it and there was a certain satisfaction in doing it but in the end I had to take the clothes off and go back to the lie I was living which just sucked! I wanted to be one or the other and tried really hard to just be a guy but that didn't work either so here I am.

[Bree-asaurus]

That would be Multiple Personality Disorder not Schizophrenia. Common symptoms of Schizophrenia would be hallucinations, and paranoid delusions ie. the movie, A beautiful Mind.

Can't speak for anyone else but I hated CDing! I was compelled to do it and there was a certain satisfaction in doing it but in the end I had to take the clothes off and go back to the lie I was living which just sucked! I wanted to be one or the other and tried really hard to just be a guy but that didn't work either so here I am.

I hate CDing too... it means I would have to wear my boyfriend's cloths :P

[ReineD]

Lesley, you might also want to work on integrating yourself and not refer to your different needs and expressions as the separate "she" and "he". Instead, you could try looking at it this way: "When "I" feel more masculine or feminine". I won't bore you with my personal theories on why I believe it natural that many CDers come to separate themselves in this way, but I have observed among our members that the need to do this dissipates over time and this generally coincides with "things" becoming a little clearer.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Only time will tell. You don't sound transexual to me, but who am I to say?

Just go where you feel you fit.

Some questions to ponder:
Do you like being a man?
Do you like your penis?
Do you feel like you're the same person with and without the cloths?
Do you feel like you have a male side and a female side?
Could you give up being a man, losing your man-parts and living as a woman for the rest of your life?
Would you risk losing your job, your friends and your family to live as a woman?

Nice post Bree, I will attempt the quiz and that will likely answer some other posts too.

Do you like being a man?
Nope.
Do you like your penis?
Nope. Wouldn't miss the loud demanding annoying prick at all
Do you feel like you're the same person with and without the cloths?
I feel like I am only one me at a time dressed or otherwise. I don't actually get to talk directly to Leslie (thank god).
Do you feel like you have a male side and a female side?
Sort of (if I understand the question).
Could you give up being a man, losing your man-parts and living as a woman for the rest of your life?
I'd do it in a heart beat if a snap of my fingers was sufficient. I'm guessing I will never be able to afford it though, so hardly a question I need spend much time on as I feel pretty well doomed to be male geared.
Would you risk losing your job, your friends and your family to live as a woman?
Disabled, have not worked since 1994. Friends I can make again, I would not keep friends that weren't. I'd rather suffer though than cause a split between wife and son. I made a promise when I married her, my word means more to me than my comfort.

[freeindress]

Thanks Reine for helping us notice the trend for integration over separate needs.
It helps me finding answers the 'quiz':

Do you like being a man?
-All the time, even in a dress
Do you like your penis?
-Only for ease of care and to have sex, otherwise female plumbing is more practical with everything already tucked
Do you feel like you're the same person with and without the cloths?
-Yes, often forget how I'm dressed when I'm very busy
Do you feel like you have a male side and a female side?
-Yes, on the same front side as I am not growing breasts on my back lol
Could you give up being a man, losing your man-parts and living as a woman for the rest of your life?
-N/A, feel born in the right body despite minor defects
Would you risk losing your job, your friends and your family to live as a woman?
-No way, as getting a well paid job with skills is still easier as a man (unfortunately for women)

[Chardonnay Merlot]

Do you like being a man? Yes, I do. I have my differences with the "myths" and hang-ups associated with what some people term as masculinity. There are certain actions that a deemed "manly" that I find rather off-putting.
Do you like your penis? Yes I do. And he likes me and is rather protective of me.
Do you feel like you're the same person with and without the cloths? Yes! At the end of the day, I don't get so into the labels. I just like being me.
Do you feel like you have a male side and a female side? Yes, they work together to form this whole...Me.
Could you give up being a man, losing your man-parts and living as a woman for the rest of your life? I wouldn't want to, because choosing one would mean diminishing a great part of me, and I don't wish to sacrifice to beauty of what is
Would you risk losing your job, your friends and your family to live as a woman? I wouldn't , but really the question isn't applicable to where my thought process is.

[LisaMallon]

As usual this is all more fuzzy than some would have it. I have always thought this as a continuum and where you are on that at a given time depends on a lot of factors.

This is particularly true of older TGs in many places, as when they (and myself) were growing up there wasn't the community acceptance and options.
In some places it was downright illegal and you could be (and many were) arrested for wearing womens clothes.

So you learned to suppress it for survivals sake. And you learned to cope and live as best as possible, or at least some did, others killed themselves. Others got enforced 'treatment' from the State.

That 'negative feedback' meant that on the continuum you would push yourself further into the pure 'male' possibly with occasional crossdresser outings, no matter what your innate 'real' desires were. God I remember my 20's with the clothes hidden in the attic.

I've talked to quite a few long term CDs that have said that if they had grown up in today's time things might have been quite different for them, something I can relate to quite well.

Even as time went by and things in many places liberalised many had built up too many commitments to easily break them.
It's a life and the desire to not hurt the people you love is very strong. Then of course 'little' things like money come into it.
You might be miserable inside, but at least you can be comfortably miserable and your wife and children are happy. Nothing wrong with that it is called responsibility to others. Lots of people have sacrificed their lives to that.

And then there are distractions, activities, work, family, et al, you can distract yourself from anything for quite a while ... except in the wee small hours of the morning or in your deepest, most hidden dreams.

Interestingly some (maybe quite a few) TGs have an 'alpha male' period, super busy, super competent, etc. It is a brilliant smokescreen and a distraction.
When I came out to people they were amazed, "never thought you would be like that" was the usual comment.
As I said to one, actually it was obvious, just my smokescreen hid it well. Like a magician who gets you to look at one hand while the other does the work, some (as I did) become adept at it. They never picked up the other side, the intense caring, the need for closeness, the dislike of traditional 'macho' male social dy7namics, even the odd tear at various times.

And the ultimate personal distraction is simply being incredibly busy. You don't have time to think about anything else, collapse into bed and sleep (except for those annoying dreams sometimes).
It's a life.

I suspect that late transitioners, like myself, become so simply because you just get tired.
You just run out of the steam to run away and distract yourself.

Look on another post I said I'm going to a gender consultant, but I know the answers. There is nothing we will discuss that I haven't endlessly thought over a million times.

I don't need someone to tell me I'm TG (TS or whatever this weeks label is [god I'd love the community to get it's act together sometimes]) I know what I am, known it for years.

I just I haven't the energy left to run away from it any longer. And I suspect I am not alone in this.

There is quite probably quite a few CDs on this website who have a 'deal' with themselves .. such as "if my wife (etc) dies before I do then I will transition" ..... I know I made a 'deal' like that a long time ago.

[sometimes_miss]

O.K., Leslie, what you're missing is that it's not a black or white issue. It's a complete spectrum, and where you are on the bell curve can change not only from day to day, but from minute to minute. I've lived with all the presumptions since I was a kid, the idea that I was gay, then TS, then TV with a sexual side, but then discovering that wasn't it either. The whole nine yards. Only you can know how and what you're feeling, then try to decide what you need to do about it. BTW, I don't think that most people who proclaim to have a separate male and female personality really do; what's going on, is simply the desire to separate the female behavior from their male personality because of the huge stigma attached to it, and the guilt that is instilled into boys for absolutely any suspected female traits or acts. We as boys are brought up to believe that being a sissy is absolutely the worst thing we can be. We can be killers, liars, theives, and there will still be women who love us, and men that either like, admire or fear us. But sissy? Nope. We are told that no woman will want us, and no man will ever respect us. And that's what I think is causing the vast majority of our psychological problems, and the social ones that go along with it.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Very helpful posts LisaMallon and sometimes-miss.

Yes I am a victim of both my age, and the fact that Leslie spent most of his life cooped up in the world of his parents ie he's an obvious expert in the first half of the 20th century from a military and non military historical standpoint. All both of us are, is defined from what was and made up the world of that time.

And yes, it is NOT impossible, that my two personalities were one that was ripped in two as a result of the life and attitudes Leslie grew up with.

I told a very long time very close friend about all of what I was going through. He is absolutely adamant that my situation is all about chemical imbalances and I should seek out proper medical aid to correct it. His bias is not helped by the fact his wife suffered something of a chemical induced trauma not long back, and it was promptly solved through just that, chemical based treatment to allow her to go back to herself.

I am fairly confident, my own solution will not be provided from a chemical solution. Because I KNOW there are a lot of factors that have impacted my life and Leslie's.
I just need to discover how to deal with them.

[LisaMallon]

"chemical imbalances and I should seek out proper medical aid to correct it."

That is one of the greatest western myths around these days. And one that is causing untold and probably massive damage.
That kid energetic and questioning? Must be something wrong, a 'chemical imbalance' ... drug them. This trend is going to end in tears I suspect.

I have done that '2 personalities' thing at times as well. Even said at times "his time is over and he has to go".

But it is not actually correct. Rather that 'he' is unbalanced by training himself and pretending for so long to be 'non feminine' (though as I said before there was a lot of smoke and mirrors in this).

I remember as a young teenager watching other males and copying how they sat and curbing my natural instinct to sit differently, just so that I wouldn't be though of as 'girly' or worse (especially where I grew up) homo.

But the core personality does not change. Whatever happens now I am still very, very smart and interested in a lot of intellectual things and always will be (note for yourself I have an abiding interest in military herstory as well). I am and always will be a scientist at heart.

And I will always care deeply about the people I am close too .. and always be as easy to hurt emotionally.

If I had been a women from birth I would have probably been thought of as a high functioning Aspergers female.
Though those goal posts change a lot, what is considered 'normal' for a male is 'abnormal' for a female ... especially when it come to intelligence.

I know a lot of very smart women and they have a hard time of it. This world is not kind to them at all.

I find it amazing given that this is the 12st century that we still are split into 'who hah' macho masculinity and 'titter' femininity.

Total nonsense as both models assume you have to be a moron to fit your gender role.

Work on (as I am trying to do) integrating both sides. They are you, just different aspects, like facets on a diamond. They have been apart for far too long. Together they might move a mountain or two, separate they are far, far weaker.

[Badtranny]

Lately there seems to be a lot of talk about different sides and frankly I just don't get it. I would love to hear from a TS girl on this because to me it just sounds like run of the mill crazy. Contrary to what some here may believe, I am 100% pro CD, but that doesn't mean I have to abide weirdness in the name of acceptance. It's really none of my business what CD's talk about among themselves but I take umbrage to the idea that if they have a fem side strong enough to break into a third person reference than they must be TS. Another thing is the obsession with cross dressing. If you spend anytime in the TS forum you will realize that we never talk about "dressing" as if it was some kind of barbiturate. We never talk about how great it is to be able to "dress" full time. The "dressing" is merely a byproduct of who we are. I wear women's clothes because I like wearing cute clothes and at 5'11" I need all the help I can get. I am of the mind that a TS needs to transition, there are indeed a few that cannot but at least they KNOW who they are. Most of us had a million reasons NOT to transition but we chose happiness over confusion. For those that keep wondering what they are, think about this; are you prepared to tell the world? CD's can have a secret but a TS cannot.