Accepting places vs not

[Jackie Bee]

The anticipation is always fare worse or far better than the reality of the event.

The biggest barriers that I have seen are the ones we put up in our own mind.

Case in point, preparing to go to a Reinsurance Festival I suggested to my friends (Jess and others) giving our outfits a dry run at Medieval Times (a medieval style dinner theater) the idea didn't catch on. However when we were at the festival one of the girl's told me that they didn't want to do the dinner theater because there were a lot of family's and thought the parents may have an issue ? Shes telling me this in the middle of the Reinsurance Festival witch is full of family's.

The biggest barriers are in our own minds.

There are places I will not go (note: most of these places are ones I wouldn't feel comfortably going to in boy mode either). One place I would go in boy mode and not in girl is a LOW end topless club, I don't go to these clubs but recently some lesbian friends took me to one (boy mode) lot of red-neck's, lot of hillbilly's, possibly some Hitler youth, think I saw 1 other black guy. We had a good time but glad I was not enfemme witch was the original plan.

Is this a barrier in my mind or is it a real unnecessary risk. I think my rule of thumb is "if its something I have to think twice abut as a boy I'm sure not going as a girl".

Footnote to this I do plan to go to a HIGH end topless club soon, with friends or on my own I have no qualms about it, lots of security and upper end clientele, that's if they let me in the door (no unescorted ladies). I think a lap dance enfemme would bee fun. (receiving not giving)

[pacificblue]

In my town the issue is mainly my family. My family is a very large part of my town's community and so it seems like everyone knows someone who knows someone who knows my family. I'm probably just being afraid of things that only exist in my mind and who knows how many people would actually recognize me en femme. Really, I'd be more worried that they'd recognize my wife (she's very distinctive) and ask: "Who's that girl holding hands with you?"

Right now, I can't risk my family knowing because I need the occasional bit of help from my parents while my home is being gutted and remodeled and I'm between jobs. Nothing shameful about getting some help but if my parents knew what I do then they'll likely declare me dead and then I'd be both unemployed and homeless. I've never really had experience with the "general public" because I'm terrible at being social and whenever someone talks to me it's always to ask how my parents are these days. So really, even though most people wouldn't care it's that .001 percent chance that I cant risk taking. For my wife, my future child and myself.

That's why right now, I can only dress in the closet as it were. My few public outings were in other cities and I can't afford to travel at the moment.

[Sally24]

To balance the reporting I will note a few personal experiences. I've talked with police maybe 8 times while dressed. It was a non issue in 7 of those cases. The other 1 was a young state police who was certain I was waiting to meet someone for sex. He ended with "I don't want to see you here again". I've been confronted in the parking lot of one of our meeting places. The man was cruising around apparently looking for one of US. He pulled up almost against my van and screamed "get out of here" while shining a spot light thru my tinted windows. I remained calm and pre dialed 911 on my phone and showed it to him. He left and I went on to have one of the most memorable nights of my early days. I have also run into the occasional single person who confronts our group while our at a club and insults us to our faces.

Now, I've been actively going out for the last 7 years. I would guess I've spent nearly 200 days out in public and these few incidents are the only real negative ones I've had. I think I pass quite often now but that is not always the case and certainly not years ago. These were all individuals and not really group reactions to a CD. I do thimk that for the most part that New England is pretty easy going. We also have more transgendered protections than about any other region of the country.

So be aware that its not all peaches and cream out there. But like anything else, most people are decent and honest. I really have seen a change in reaction to us over the last 5 years, even in liberal Massachusetts. We are not the rarity that we once were. People are still curious, but they aren't surprised or shocked to see us. That is a good thing and I think will increase as we become more and more visible.

To those that do want to get out I say this. Practice your art much before you venture out. The better you present yourself, the better your experience will be. Be confident and smile at those around you. But be safe a DO NOT drive to dark, closed parking lots for your first trip out. Go to a movie or some place else. Don't avoid people, just keep a low profile. And enjoy yourself. You are doing nothing wrong.

If you do run into one of the sub humans that gives you a bad look or says something rude to you. Do this to them. SMILE! That's the best comeback I've ever found.

[katie_barns]

To those that do want to get out I say this. Practice you art much before you venture out. The better you present yourself, the better your experience will be. Be confident and smile at those around you. But be safe a DO NOT drive to dark, closed parking lots for your first trip out. Go to a movie or some place else. Don't avoid people, just keep a low profile. And enjoy yourself. You are doing nothing wrong.

If you do run into one of the sub humans that gives you a bad look or says something rude to you. Do this to them. SMILE! That's they best comeback I've ever found.

Great advice. I will emphasize the low profile. I always dress for my age an appropriately for where I am going. Short skirts and revealing outfits will only get you noticed and clocked.
Also, I can't tell you how many time I have avoided an awkward situation with just a smile.

[vetobob9]

Jess, I live near you in Central Texas and I've been out in Dallas, Fort Worth, Austin,Waco, San Antonio, etc... and I've never had a problem. I've been to the heart of redneck country in Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, I've been to college basketball games on the Baylor campus which is the most homophobic place around, I've been to a minor league baseball game in Austin which was full of families with children, I've been in the Texas State Capitol building and even a Dallas Cowboy training camp practice.
So as far as I'm concerned Texas is a very CD friendly place.

Texans are kind of like libertarians. They don't care what you do as long as your actions don't harm them or their families. Other than that, as long as you play by their rules, they don't care what you wear.

Course, you might get some pockets of people once in a while but it seems the ones who do mind what you wear, are in a small minority.

I have not gotten any ill comments since I moved to Texas last summer. But I do remember quite a few negative comments about not just cross dressers but T persons in general. How is it that the most socially conservative state in America can seem more tolerant toward TG's than the most liberal state in America?

[amberwish]

I am so lucky to live here in Portland, Oregon. We have an openly gay mayor and a town 40 miles south has an openly trans gender mayor. I have been living as Amber for over 4 years now. Have been in many places here in the NW without a single negative thing happening. I play free poker(no-limit-holdem) in all kind of bars, lounges and truck stops without anything negative. A lady I work for who works with the LGBT community here has had clients from all over the world. They leave impressed with the openness here. what a wonderful place to live!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Badtranny]

Well Jess, the problem is that most of the people who do the complaining have never actually gone out and met anyone.

I've noticed that the people that are doing, don't pay much attention to the people that are complaining. There are people that live in my beloved SF Bay who would complain that coming out isn't easy, because it's not. Coming out is never easy because we have to face ourselves before we ever face the public. Some people have no interest in the hard part. They would rather hide behind their closet door and complain.

[Lorileah]

Coming out is never easy because we have to face ourselves before we ever face the public. Some people have no interest in the hard part. They would rather hide behind their closet door and complain.

and when they believe things will go bad they often do

[Amy R Lynn]

I believe that my area is pretty TG friendly. I haven't gone out yet. I'm going to when I get all of the right pieces put together. In fact its something that I'm looking forward to!

I believe that my area is friendly because I have seen a couple of TG folks and no one is standing around gawking at them. I have a friend that I have known since Kindergarten who went through SRS and doesn't seem to have much of a problem. At least not that she has told anyone. There are several TG friendly clubs and bars around, and a lot of shops that are friendly to us as well. It seems like my area is very accepting. I will find out for myself soon enough. when I do I will certainly let all of you know!

XoXo
Amy Lynn

[Danika140]

I have been very fortunate in my outings. The very first time I went out en femme was in Germany. That was tough two fold. First, it was my first time out so that was nerve wracking to say the least. Second, I was military and obviously can't speak German so everyone knew that I was an American and in the military. Anyone of them could have outed me to another service member quite easily but no one even batted an eye at me en femme.

Second place I had a great experience was in Tampa, FL. My really good friend and I went clubbing decked out in club wear, red orange dress, jewelry, make up and heels. I ended up having to beat back the GGs around me who were stunned by how well the dress looked on me and how brave I was to be out en femme just having a great time. Only time I have been hit on by men and women at the same time lol.

Third and now place of residence, Iron River, MI. I moved here to be closer to my father and to store my stuff while I am deployed. I just recently told him this last weekend that I am TS and he was very understandable and accepting. That gave me the confidence to strike out into the surrounding area. I have only been out a couple times but I haven't been dressed in anything too obvious. I went to the VA hospital today in Iron Mountain in tight flare jeans, v neck t-shirt, nails painted a very bright red and tennis shoes. Not one person even gave it a second look. So far that's been true for all places I've gone out in here. Tomorrow if it is warm enough, I am thinking shorts, tank, bra and sandals or flats to push it a little further.

The very few people who asked me about my nails, since I have had them painted everyday since January, are just curious and usually don't push it further than the initial answer.

[kimdl93]

I live in what I presume would be considered one of the least accepting states in the Union - Texas. But I live in Houston, which has an openly Lesbian mayor. And honestly, I've been out and about, both day and night without any adverse incidents. Of course, I stay away from neighborhoods where I wouldn't go....regardless of how I was dressed, and I make a diligent effort to blend.

[daviolin]

The amount of acceptance is dependent on
where you go
how you are dressed
if you are looking to battle the non-accepters
if you talk to random people a lot
how you carry yourself (are you walking, talking and acting like a lady, or like a guy in a dress?)
if you are paying them to be nice.

Are you going to go to a high school football game, a low income and high crime area, Disneyland, or are you headed out to coffee, lunch, shopping, or a club? I recommend not going to your local biker bar, or someplace like that.

I realize that anywhere you go, there can be idiots, but they are rare, and most times even they will decide it just isn't worth it.
The most I have been out in so far is some very light facial makeup, and we went to Chick Fil-a, Runway Fashion Exchange, and Walmart. Chick Fil-a had a family that was eaves dropping, and gossiping about my SO and my conversation. At Walmart, a few high school girls were huddled talking about me very obviously, but that was it. I expected much worse. I can't wait till I can go out.
BTW, the area that I am in is not progressive at all. There are more Mormon churches than gas stations and they all have multiple sermons and all are jam packed. If you aren't Mormon, you can expect a visit from their goons about once every month or two. I wish I could time it right so that I happened to be dressed when they came to the door.

Love it. I can't wait for the local jawhova witnesses come to my door while dressed. I will rock there world. Daviolin

[Danika140]

Love it. I can't wait for the local jawhova witnesses come to my door while dressed. I will rock there world. Daviolin

While I was TDY to Hurlburt Field in Ft. Walton Beach, FL. I was staying at my Aunt's house since she lives really close to the base. It was Saturday morning during the Halloween season and I was in the bathroom getting ready for Halloween parties I was going to be attending en femme when the doorbell rang. Mind you, I was still very new in dressing en femme so the time it took me to get ready was epic slow so I wasn't about to get out of it all just to answer the door and talk to someone who didn't know me, so off I went. I opened the door in heels, skirt, nails painted, make up and no shirt to find two gentlemen from the local Jehovah Witness church.

I couldn't help but laugh and think of how much fun I could have in this situation (being that I am not religious at all) and greeted them. Also, I am covered in tattoos with 14 of them and nipple and belly button piercings as well. We talked about faith, Christ, the church and practically everything in between. I got the feeling as uncomfortable as they were with talking to someone dressed as I was, they didn't want to be rude and run away...yet. I actually commended them for that lol. After what seemed like 20 mins passing, they handed me a pamphlet with the church's address and extended an invitation to join them for the next service. I politely refused and the look of relief on their faces was hilarious! They quickly about faced and shot down the driveway as fast as they could walk and as far as I know, they haven't been back since and that was in 2009 lol. I can almost see it now, pastor with his clipboard, 652 Vermont St - Heathens - CHECK! Bahahaha!

[ReineD]

I think it's the same everywhere as well. Larger cities are generally more forgiving than small towns, due to the sheer volume of people there. It's easier to get lost in a crowd of culturally diverse people. I should think that most CDers feel more comfortable among strangers than in their own back yards with people who know them in male mode.

[Beverley Sims]

I do not go out a lot locally, but when away the mice can play.

[jamierenee36cd]

im a otr trucker and i dress en femm i dont just walk in any truckstop in mini skirts and stillettos lol but i have been in a nice top and jeans in one no problem at all it was in canton oh i once walked in a store in upstate newyork to fill my thermos in a dress and heels no prblem alot of it i found is how you carry yourself and how you are dressed when when you go to places that arent clubs in other words dont wear a maids outfit to a grocery store oh and ive been to a grocery store in statesville nc

[TxKimberly]

Several times in my travels I've had a completely wonderful time in cities where I was told I would be crazy to go out in. I had a wonderful time in Oklahoma city once. Everyone I talked to was honestly nice and friendly to me and I never once got the impression that they were just tolerating me. I also went out twice in Little Rock Ar and again was treats vry well.

I enjoyed reading the comments about Texas and would have to agree with them. I've been out all over Texas and never had a problem. As someone else already pointed out, most Texans really do like to live by the rule that you are free to live your life as you see fit as long as you don't try shoving that shit down MY throat!

[Raychel]

I will probably get flamed for saying this, but most of the problems that CDs think they have are brought on by their own actions, or the way they are dressed. Any man who a 40 or 42 inch chest and wears falsies that give him a DD bosom is just asking for trouble.That is way too big, yet a lot of CDs do it!

Hey, I resemble that remark. I guess I better just stay in my little closet.

[Krististeph]

In the Chicago suburbs, i guess we have it good. From people I know, people i have met here in CDs.com, and from an unspecified 'study' that ranked all the states, i guess we have it made here. People in this area seem to be willing to let others be as long as no one is going out of their way to stick their heads up and scream 'look at me'... I've heard lots of stories about rock/pop stars through the decades who were giving rather a rough time if they insisted on being hot shots... I guess we are supposed to be unimpressed by big shots- but it works both ways- you want to rub blue mud in your belly in public, that's fine too- just make sure you are not trying to tell anyone else they are wrong for not doing so- and as long as you keep out of some rather lowbrow bars, everything seems to be okay.

I can say from shopping in drab here, every SA I've worked with is wonderful, i'm more worried about the other customers- or being noticed by someone i work with or know socially, but other than that, no worries. I'll see a number of TS throughout the year, working regular jobs, year after year- evidently the environment is accepting enough for them. Worked with a F to M TS at a hospital some years back, he was great, quite professional, a little standoffish personally, but I can understand that fully, and it was part of his professionalism as well. Always enjoyed working with him... a few others in the hospital were not as kind (not to his face, of course) and i had a few words about it once or twice (this was a small part of choosing to leave the facility eventually, it had one of the poorer reputations as a health care facility I found out, AFTER having been hired (mea culpa))

So the Chicago area, I would have to say is pretty cool. Once you get to about I-80 and south, it gets worse. Indiana is not to hot either, but in general, the bigger cities are better. St Louis I have heard is pretty good, but i would not want to have to deal with most of the surrounding suburbs.

There are a few jerks everywhere, but in the places i've mentioned, they seem to be isolated and do not get much support. I'd say i'm in a pretty good area.

[Launa]

Hi Jess, I saw your thread on the weekend but haven't had time to answer back. I want to say that I live in a fairly conservative city but at the same time its a city with many different lifestyles. I personally have just started my journey to go out of the closet and see what the world is like dressed as a girl from time to time. I posted a thread about my wonderful 3rd outing about 2-3 weeks ago. I talked about all the good things that happened, however................I did leave out a part of the story that when I was dressed up I wanted to go for a walk around a busy city block so I did. I saw 3 guys walk past me and I looked over at them as they were staring at me. I walked along without looking back and I knew nothing different but..........my wife was waiting for me in our car to finish my walk and she saw these three guys go into hysterical laughter after I kept walking down the lane. I could not hear these cowardly meatheads but my wife told me about them later. She felt real bad for me. I told her that I need to learn how to handle the heat or I may as well stay in the closet.
She said I know I just can't understand why its got to be such a big deal to people for you to be accepted.
I said well thats the way it is. Now the second time I went out I also had some real hard stares in my hotel lobby that were a "little too long" I gave them a hard stare back as I wasn't in the mood to smile. To sum it up I've only been out 3 times and I've had a great time each outing but has it been perfect and everybodys been tolerant?
I don't know......

[Nicole Erin]

Just however you dress and go out, just do your best to avoid the riff raff and things should be fine.