getting so close to telling my wife

[finding myself]

Let me start off with what a great site this place has been. I'm starting to do things haven't done in years I have purchased panties at wal mart , tried makeup few time amd even put a picture on tjia site. I just want to tell her so bad we'll be sitting there I will be thinking that this is perfect time but I can't spit it out. I worry so much what will happen, will she leave me will shr always look at me in different way at the same time I feel this i'm to a point of no return. I can't stop who I am it makes me happy but I want her know feel like i'm lying to her by not telling her,also I want to branch out more as a cd but can't till she is fully aware. I'm just so at ends right now and don't know what to do

[Ellyn]

I would sit down by myself and think about it for a long, long, time. Unfortunately it sounds a lot like you are about to play that game called Russian roulette. My advise is not to say a thing until you are absolutely without a shred of doubt certain that she is going to be delighted to learn that you dress. Ask youself some questions, such as, "will this end my marriage?" "Will she get the house?" "Where will I live after this?" "Can I afford to pay for keeping two homes?" "Should I risk everthing?"

[finding myself]

I have been thus the

[ReineD]

You need to practice first. Write a letter as if you're going to give it to her, but don't. Just pour your heart out in it. Put it aside and then revise it. Take a few weeks to do this even if you write 5 different letters. Eventually it will sound right to you, and this is what you should tell her.

Also, read this:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...l-your-partner

[sandra-leigh]

My advise is not to say a thing until you are absolutely without a shred of doubt certain that she is going to be delighted to learn that you dress.

I did not go that path, and I don't think it would work for most people: it would be a recipe for staying in the closet because one is not convinced that one's SO would be "delighted". For a lot of us, grudging toleration is as much as we are going to get, and Don't Ask Don't Tell is not uncommon. DADT can still be better than hiding: at least then one has made the effort at communication.

As I have written in some other postings, at the time I was getting psychologically ready to tell, my relationship was not in that great a shape: we were not doing very well with communications. I could have kept the information hidden even longer, waiting until she reached out to me with something important -- but someone has to be the first to make the attempt to open up. I trusted her with this important part of me, and although she wasn't "delighted", the relationship was made stronger by the effort of trust.

For me, not telling was getting to be nasty weight on my shoulders; I was getting sick from holding it in, and my wife could perceive that something wasn't right. Continuing to hide got to be worse for me than the consequences of telling. And I wasn't going to just abruptly break off the relationship without explanation in order to avoid telling. Not telling led, I could see in my circumstances, to near certainty that my relationship would break up; telling led to the possibility of breaking up, but also the possibility of us learning to adjust.

[Jenniferathome]

Telling my wife was the scariest thing I have ever done. I did not really fear divorce but I was concerned about how she would view me thereafter. In my case, I reached a point where hiding was more painful than telling. Maybe you ar ethers now. The result was fantastic. She accepts me for who I am. I can't ask for more than that. The weight on ou will be lifted when you tell her.

[Tina B.]

The scariest thing about telling, is you have no control over how she will accept the news, many of us have had good results, but there has been just as many or more that didn't. You know your wife, we don't, how do you think it's going to come out if you tell her, will she be OK with it, or go screaming from the house. Sometime we think we know the person we live with, until we have to talk about something that has never been talked about before, then we can find they are not the person we thought they where.
But if you really need this, and you can't move forward without her knowledge, then you have to tell, and take your chances. I hope if that's what you do, it goes as good for you as it did for me.
Tina B.

[katie_barns]

I spent years letting things slowly come out until my wife finally asked me. It wasn't a great plan but I think it saved my marriage. By the time my wife asked why-- I was shaving my legs and pits, [more comfortable], using skin care products [don't want to look old], wearing women's panties. [men's were too baggy and didn't hold my stuff in place], pierced my ears [just because I wanted to]. I guess she finally put it all together and finally asked if I was trying to be a woman. Then we had the talk. It wasn't a big shock by then.

Yea, I know there are lots of things wrong with this; but I know her, and any other way we wouldn't be together now. I do love her!

The only advice I can give is to be patient. Try not to get too excited and move too fast.

[Michelle V]

I think you know your wife better than you think you do...if you feel in your heart that she will accept you or reject you, YOU have to realize that either way you are keeping a huge secret from her. I can only speak from experience, I knew where my relationship with my wife was strong enough to withstand the storm that is revealing a secret THAT BIG at the time.
Even when my wife acepted me for who I am it took me nine years to come out and tell her, there are times (just yesterday) that she reminds me that I LIED to her for nine years, she does not want to know if I was ashamed of who I was, she does not care that I have lived so long hiding that aspect of my life that it was second nature to continue hidding my true self, all she knows is that I lied to her and kept it from her for so long, she accepts me, loves me and suports Michelle, even helps her with clothes and make up, but cannot forgive her husband for lying for so long. So you know when the time is right and you know what to expect,we've all been there, where you feel like you are going to burts and blow up if you don't come clean, but you need to take sometime and think about your wife and what is best for BOTH of you.
Whishing you the best, Michelle

[Barbara Ella]

Only you willknow when the time is right. Just know that all options are open, and be ready for anything. I told my wife of 41 years shortly after I started dressing, Nine months ago. It hurt her. Intellectually she supports me, emotionally, she cannot deal with the change, and fear of uncertainty, after so many years. She went from supportive to a DADT position where I am essentially free to dress, just not where she has to have anything to do with it. Only one step better than hiding it maybe, but I would tell her again, and do things differently, knowing how her emotions were going to control her decisions.

Good Luck

Barbara

[Marie GG]

As one of the wives I have to say, I was very hurt at first that it took so many years for my husband to tell me.
He was so afraid when he told told me that he was trembling. I felt so bad that he was so afraid of me. I just held him and told him I loved him. Then we both cried.
Since then it has been up and down. Some days I think I am mad if he hasn't taken out the trash, or done the dishes or something like that but I am really mad about the dressing. It took me a while to realize that it was the dressing that was making me snap about other things because I felt I couldn't be mad about the dressing. It takes time, or so I'm told.

[Jenniferathome]

I felt so bad that he was so afraid of me.

Marie, he wasn't afraid of you. He was afraid of losing you. We keep this secret not to "fool" our wives but because it is just so weird and even we can't understand it. Telling also moves the burden from us to you and THAT is also unfair. kinda damned if you do, damned if you don't. But the truth is always best.

[Marie GG]

Telling also moves the burden from us to you and THAT is also unfair. kinda damned if you do, damned if you don't. But the truth is always best.

This is so true. At times I wonder if this is the part that makes me so angry. Until I came to this forum (only this past week) I felt totally alone. I couldn't even talk to my best friend about problems I was having with my husband because I would "out" him.

[MandyGG]

You have made the first step at WANTING to do it! That is huge and deserves respect in itself! Reine gave a great recommendation in figuring out what you want to say.... you will find the right fit for you. I wish you the best of luck in this!!!

[Jenniferathome]

This is so true. At times I wonder if this is the part that makes me so angry. Until I came to this forum (only this past week) I felt totally alone. I couldn't even talk to my best friend about problems I was having with my husband because I would "out" him.

Marie, you are a special person to be able to handle this. Somehow women are better than men in this way. So if you can't talk to your best girlfriend, at least you made it here. Perspective is a great thing to have. I joke with another GG on this forum that i am just a "normal" crossdresser. Make me giggle every time i write that. But maybe normal just needs some perspective?

[Marie GG]

But maybe normal just needs some perspective?

I think this hits the nail right on the head. I wonder if part of what bothers me is that I didn't know enough cross dressers before, and that made it abnormal.

Being able to post today and talk about it has made me feel so much better.

[Kate T]

I don't think I have come across a single SO that did not want to know about their partners CD/ TG / TS'ism. There are plenty that wish that it didn't exist (? almost all to an extent ?) but even those who intensely dislike it seem to at least prefer to know, and to have been told.
Reine's suggestion of writing stuff down until it sounds right is a good one. But I strongly believe you have to tell her face to face, no leaving letters, leaving a document or web page open on the computer, not by phone etc. You must face your fear to conquer it. You are going to betray her trust, almost by definition. By telling her face to face you will still at least have her respect. From there you have a much better chance of rebuilding that trust.

Good luck.

I, and yes, it took me 15 years to tell my wife. Yes I did tell her face to face. Yes there was lots of crying and I believe she quite possibly has never seen me that scared before in her life. And yes, we have had up and down bits (though curiously not as bad as when we were dealing with sleeping problems with our 2nd child). But overall, it has helped and strengthened our relationship.

[MandyGG]

You are so right on that, Adina! Even though I wish it weren't there, and even when I wish we had a DADT situation, and when I am upset about it for who knows what.... I am still so thankful that he trusted me and loved me enough to tell me.

[finding myself]

Yes so very true, we never ever want to keep it a secret .We are just so worried about hurting our wives. I wish so bad I would have said something when I first met her but thought it was something that would go away. I finally relieze that it's something that will always be there.

[Beverley Sims]

Test the waters first by remarking on examples of dressing that are in the media from time to time.
If these meet with favourable comment stretch the limit and looking at catalogs that come in the mail make light hearted comments about the fashions.
"I wouldn't wear that in a fit". "Would that be uncomfortable to wear?" and other like comments.
Yes! write the letter to her, read it over and over again for a few days, and put it away for reference.
Don't say, "Here dear I have a letter for you to read." This is almost as bad as sending a text message to her outing yourself.
Someone did this on this forum only a few weeks ago. I thought #$@^% but that is the contemporary way of doing things.
Take the words in your letter and put them in your mouth. If you get a bad response you can cut the conversation there or vary it to suit.
Another tack is when you are out shopping remark on how nice skinny jeans are. "I should buy a pair other guys wear them."
If this elicits a good response wait a WEEK at least after wearing them and suggest something else.
When I first did the jeans thing with the wife she commented I had skinny legs. When I put baggy trousers back on she remarked that she liked the jeans.
Some androgynous shoes and top came later as did jewellery. This took about 2 years and the patience is worth it.
Me looking trim taut and teriffic with a b size bust has been accepted. The wig took some working on tho.
Definitely not black. Just about any softer color worked
Lots of luck, and do the research, go slowly and don't send her a text message that you are coming out.

[Kathy Smith]

Reine's suggestion of writing stuff down until it sounds right is a good one. But I strongly believe you have to tell her face to face, no leaving letters, leaving a document or web page open on the computer, not by phone etc. You must face your fear to conquer it. You are going to betray her trust, almost by definition. By telling her face to face you will still at least have her respect. From there you have a much better chance of rebuilding that trust.

First, I can't agree, Adina. Face to face communication looks good but has an awful lot of problems associated with it.

My main argument is that you want to give your SO as much information as possible within a short time. You don't want to spin this out - and you don't want to make it abrupt either. I really like Reine's suggestion and I did, in fact, use a very similar technique but mine was a text file on a USB stick. Doing it like that allows you to include a letter of whatever length you want, quotes from useful web sites and internet links to support web pages and forums. A letter gives her time to read and re-read parts of it at her own speed. She isn't required to comment or consider replies or questions. IMHO it makes the process easier for her and that's no bad thing.

The process may be easier for here, but it's not easier for you. It's very important to be completely open in your letter. I started with a history of my CDing, pointing out that, although I've had some very long breaks from it, it has never gone away and isn't likely to. I also pointed out that I genuinely thought that I'd finally beaten it when we got married and that's why I hadn't told her at the time. It's not easy opening up your deepest thoughts to someone but in this case it has to be done.

It took me almost 2 weeks to write and re-write that letter multiple times and every second was time well spent.

After all that, I asked her if any of the web info had been of any help. She told me that she hadn't bothered with it - that I'd included all that she wanted to know.

The main thing is this: If your relationship already has _any_ problems then revealing yourself to be a CD is _not_ going to help in the least. You are probably better just keeping quiet and almost impossibly discrete about it. If you get discovered then that could well be the end of the relationship. OTOH if you do tell her then that will quite possibly be the beginning of the end. it's a lose-lose situation because you're handing her information to use against you.

[Kaz]

All I can say is good luck... the stats aren't good, but the piece of mind may be... I just think we are all damned! Or was that doomed? xx

[Kathy Smith]

All I can say is good luck... the stats aren't good, but the piece of mind may be... I just think we are all damned! Or was that doomed? xx

It's true - the best that most of us ever achieve from our SO is a grudging tolerance. If you don't set your sights higher than that then you are unlikely to be disappointed.

I'm not going to knock the peace of mind bit. IMHO that can be a positive thing and, providing that your SO isn't pressurised in any way, can actually improve your relationship simply because of the stress relief. Well, it's a theory anyway and it seems to be working for us.

[Jenniferathome]

- the best that most of us ever achieve from our SO is a grudging tolerance.

Kathy, I disagree. Perhaps a vocal minority here may present that side, but I believe most of us achieve an understanding and acceptance. I'm not referring to participation. I think tolerance is all we can ask for but much more is usually the case, I believe.

[April_Ligeia]

Just remember that you can't un-ring the bell. If you aren't sure how she's going to take it, proceed with extreme caution. Also, the way she takes the news today may not be the way she responds to this a year from now. Tread very lightly. Some of us achieve acceptance but have to accept divorce first!