Husband is visiting...

[Perplexed]

My son and I left my husband about a year ago. He's coming (with my step-child) out to visit our son and staying with me. Shortly after I left, I found out he was cross-dressing. Again, it's not a big deal to me, before I met him I lived with a homosexual cross-dresser who wore my clothes all the time, I even went to clubs with him. However, my husband doesn't know that I know this about him.

Yes, we're separated, but he doesn't want a divorce, any time I bring it up he tells me I'm stressing him out and he doesn't want to talk about it. Yet, talks negatively about me to his friends & co-workers...?

Should I tell him I know and that I don't care or should I just try to act natural (which will be hard for me to do imagining him wearing my clothes when I'm at work)

[JessHaust]

I'm not him, so I can't imagine what is going on in his head. But if it were me, I would want you to tell me you know and that you were OK with it.
Remember that most CD/TG's live in constant fear that others will find out about us and think poorly of us.
The truth that people don't really care as much as we imagine can be a very comforting realization.

[Vieja]

Now I am perplexed, if you want a divorce why do you care what he wants. It seems to me divorces should not be too hard to get in this day and age. And

if he is stressed "so what". Do what is best for you.


Vieja

[BRANDYJ]

Perplexed. I remember your first posts about your relationship. But in order for any of us to advise as to tell him you know about his crossdressing, I think we need to know more as to what you think to gain by telling him you know. First, is it because you hold out hope to save the marriage and that with him knowing you know and that you are OK with it, that he may change or be endeared to you for your acceptance? I can't believe you want to tell him just to keep him out of your clothes while you are at work. There has got to be a reason that you think you need to tell him beyond what we know of your separation.

[STACY B]

He better not be wearing YOUR clothes !!! Thats a NO,,,NO,, Around my house unless you ask first . Thats not the way to get the party started thats for sure !!

[Rebecca W.]

Please, tell him that you know about his crossdressing and that it is not a big deal for you that he does it. Maybe offer to go out shopping with him and buy him something feminine to show that you understand. It might heal the wounds in your relationship or at least show that you can open up to him with some of your repressed feelings about him.

Take care,

Rebecca

[April_Ligeia]

Why is he talking negatively about you to friends and coworkers, and then coming over to stay at your place? I would call him out on THAT. Maybe staying at a hotel would improve his manners.

[Marleena]

Why is he talking negatively about you to friends and coworkers, and then coming over to stay at your place? I would call him out on THAT. Maybe staying at a hotel would improve his manners.

I agree with this. It'll keep him out of your clothes too.

[Karren H]

I'd tell him that you know and then use it to your advantage! Lol. A bit of leverage never hurts in any situation.

[TxKimberly]

I'd tell him that you know and then use it to your advantage! Lol. A bit of leverage never hurts in any situation.

Karen, you would have made a good officer or NCO - you have a knack for getting right the heart of a matter, not to mention that you appear to have a tendency to go straight for the juggler vein . . .

I DO think that you should let him know. It is entirely possible that the stress of hiding such a thing might be contributing to your marital problems/seperation. Letting him know that you are aware of this (as long as it is not done in a threatening way) may well help . . .

[stacycoral]

I agree with this. It'll keep him out of your clothes too.

Why is he talking negatively about you to friends and coworkers, and then coming over to stay at your place? I would call him out on THAT. Maybe staying at a hotel would improve his manners.

I'd tell him that you know and then use it to your advantage! Lol. A bit of leverage never hurts in any situation.

The ladies have spoken! Take care of you!hugs

[Barbara Ella]

Just to repeat for effect. You are the important one, with your child. You both come first. You need to take charge. tell him you know, and set boundaries while he is there if he really must stay with you. Put your clothes off limits. Unless you really still care for him, dont go shopping with him, but encourage him if he wants, but put the limits on when he can dress that you are comfortable with.

And if you really need the divorce to move on with your life, take it. Matters not if he gets stressed. Sounds like you are/have been very accommodating to him.

Be in charge.

Barbara

[Karren H]

Karen, you would have made a good officer or NCO - you have a knack for getting right the heart of a matter, not to mention that you appear to have a tendency to go straight for the juggler vein . . .
.

No sense in pussy footing around. Lol.

[suchacutie]

As always with human interactions, your situation is complicated.

1) you left him. Have the reasons for that split changed? If not, why are the two of you still married?

2) if CDing is no big deal then tell him. In fact, let's get everything out into the open. If you want to work on the marriage, attempt to do so. If you don't, then divorce him. If you want to work on the marriage and he doesn't, divorce him. Summary: if you both want in, terrific. If either one of you want out, end it!

3) under no circumstances should he be allowed to do anything in your house that is not ok with you, and that includes wearing your clothes! He is a visitor and should act accordingly! If he won't, throw him out!

Sorry if I seem a bit harsh, but Karren is right here...go for the jugular and get a decision!

tina

[sterling12]

I am going to get personal, so you don't need to answer this question for one and all on this Forum. You said you were separated, and apparently as a favor, you are letting him stay at your residence. Does this mean he will be using your bedroom? The reason I ask is because it would be easy enough to drop down to Walmart and pick up a Nine Dollar Cheapie Knob Door Lock. If you own a screwdriver, you can probably install it, and if you had to ask your son to install The Lock, I imagine he would understand.

It wouldn't keep out a determined burglar, but it ought to "give him the message" about entering your bedroom. So, you have avoided a confrontation if you want to do that; and you are keeping your estranged hubby out of your stuff! Probably not The Perfect Fix for a much bigger problem, but it will take care of things for right now.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[RADER]

One thing you never really stated is why do you want the divorce? Was it for dressing?
If that is the primary reason, then go for the juggler, if not then why do you not get a lawyer and
file for a divorce. You really do not need his permission to get one.
Welcome to the forum, hope you stay and be a part of this great place.
Rader

[Perplexed]

Perplexed. I remember your first posts about your relationship. But in order for any of us to advise as to tell him you know about his crossdressing, I think we need to know more as to what you think to gain by telling him you know. First, is it because you hold out hope to save the marriage and that with him knowing you know and that you are OK with it, that he may change or be endeared to you for your acceptance? I can't believe you want to tell him just to keep him out of your clothes while you are at work. There has got to be a reason that you think you need to tell him beyond what we know of your separation.

I want to let him that I am capable of knowing something *this* deep about him and not letting everyone know and that he can trust me with it.

We're not separated due to the crossdressing at all. He's a very selfish person. He says things out of anger, just to get a response. If I let him know something bothered me, whenever we'd argue, he'd make sure he'd bring up that particular thing again. He'd rather play video games or watch porn vs spending time with our son. [ie: the night before we left, he played video games all night and didn't even tell us goodnight.] The morning we left, he didn't tell me bye at all and just hugged our son.

He skypes with Jack once every 3-4 weeks, otherwise, he doesn't have time for us...which I don't understand. If he doesn't want a divorce and he wants to come visit and stay with us... he doesn't make any sense with his words vs his actions.

I am going to get personal, so you don't need to answer this question for one and all on this Forum. You said you were separated, and apparently as a favor, you are letting him stay at your residence. Does this mean he will be using your bedroom? The reason I ask is because it would be easy enough to drop down to Walmart and pick up a Nine Dollar Cheapie Knob Door Lock. If you own a screwdriver, you can probably install it, and if you had to ask your son to install The Lock, I imagine he would understand.

It wouldn't keep out a determined burglar, but it ought to "give him the message" about entering your bedroom. So, you have avoided a confrontation if you want to do that; and you are keeping your estranged hubby out of your stuff! Probably not The Perfect Fix for a much bigger problem, but it will take care of things for right now.

Peace and Love, Joanie

I wish I knew the answer to this, I've asked him several times if I need to buy bedding for the guestroom or if he plans on sleeping with us. [Our son is young so he'd still in bed with me 90% of the time - he has night terrors a lot.]

The best response that I've gotten is, "Depends on how well we're getting along."

One thing you never really stated is why do you want the divorce? Was it for dressing?
If that is the primary reason, then go for the juggler, if not then why do you not get a lawyer and
file for a divorce. You really do not need his permission to get one.
Welcome to the forum, hope you stay and be a part of this great place.
Rader

I started a new job a couple months ago that doesn't offer insurance - so it's actually in my benefit at this point to stay married since he still has me covered on his insurance. However, prior to my current job, he wouldn't even discuss it. Right now, state law prohibits me from filing until I've lived here for over 1 year. It hasn't quite been a year yet, so I'm torn.

No, the separation wasn't for CDing at all - I found out AFTER we left that he was doing this.

Why is he talking negatively about you to friends and coworkers, and then coming over to stay at your place? I would call him out on THAT. Maybe staying at a hotel would improve his manners.

I really wish I could be mean, but I can't be. We have 2 children [one has passed away] and he's my children's father and as much as I absolutely hate it, I do still love him and he'd get to spend more time with our son staying with me. Now, if he turns into an ass while he's here, he will be getting a hotel.

I'd tell him that you know and then use it to your advantage! Lol. A bit of leverage never hurts in any situation.

I like you.

Unfortunately, I can't be mean to save my life.

[Rebecca Star]

No sense in pussy footing around.

That's a truly profound statement given the overall context of this forum.

Perplexed
Do you love your husband or are you still in love with him?
Two completely different feelings (if anyone was wondering).

The trashing of you, to friends and co-workers behind your back, has to be addressed. That's no way for anyone to carry on. It's even stranger behaviour given he doesn't want to go forward with a divorce.

Sounds to me like both of you need to have some serious chats, face to face and be 100% honest with each other. Make a list of everything you want to say in point form. This includes the way he talks about you behind your back. Leave nothing out and put all cards on the table.

We can't choose who we fall in love with. But, we can most certainly choose how we let people treat us.


ciao

Rebecca

[Jenny Beth]

Why let him stay with you at all? Seems to me he's burned a bridge but needs to cross it out of convenience. Sure your son can stay but he should get a motel room and you won't have to worry about him going through your clothes. Somehow I don't see his staying with you turning into a good thing.

[RADER]

I started a new job a couple months ago that doesn't offer insurance - so it's actually in my benefit at this point to stay married since he still has me covered on his insurance. However, prior to my current job, he wouldn't even discuss it. Right now, state law prohibits me from filing until I've lived here for over 1 year. It hasn't quite been a year yet, so I'm torn.

No, the separation wasn't for CDing at all - I found out AFTER we left that he was doing this.

I hope your year comes up soon; Some states will allow you to stay on his insurance for a short time, say 3 months.
I think you can buy the insurance also for a short time, but that can be costly.
Good luck.
Rader

[Dethgirl]

I don't know anything about you guys or your marriage, but I've talked to guys online who are deathly afraid to tell their wives or family, and I've talked to others who had finally done it and then had their wives be disgusted or leave. Maybe you should tell him that you know and that it's not a big deal to you if he CDs. If I were in his position, I'd want know if you knew.

[Joanne f]

Not sure if there is any need to outright tell him but you could give him a little hint by doing something like showing him a skirt or something and saying " I have always thought you might look good in one of these " and see where it leads.
Adds an element of fun to it

[Kaz]

I think you should tell him, BUT you need to be clear about whether or not this was a reason to seperate. He will probably assume it was. You therefore need to be very clear about why you left him. His talking about you at work etc is probably due to the hurt and anxiety he feels because you have left him... a natural (if not very helpful) response to what he could feel is a personal attack... My wife wants to leave me... not because of dressing, but more that she wants a different life... but I feel dreadful.... like a failure... I can't begin to describe the pain and hurt I am going through... but then I am not 'talking behind her back'... except for now!

These things are always complicated and I am not a trained counsellor... I am just trying to look for an objective standpoint... if he doesn't want a divorce, he mostly wants the lifeline to things being resolved... so you need to be as open and honest as you can...

Hope it all works out for you..

[Rachel Flowers]

How much of his behaviour might have been driven by his hiding this part of himself from you - and possibly from himself too?

[Diane Elizabeth]

As previously said. What is there to be gained by telling him what you know. Revenge. Play dirty in a divorce with a child involved. I would hope not. I recommend you take the high road. At least for now. If he gets stressed out and denies anything and everything when you talk to him, then there may be other issues that he has. I would urge him (in a positive way) to get conseling. I was and am (sometimes) in denial. II would stress out if certain subjects would come up. I am getting help now. It takes time and he will need to want to see a therapist. Good luck with whatever way you go about it.